Wednesday's (almost) Wifey: Karina Smirnoff from Dancing With the Stars

I want to eat a pastrami sandwich off her back!

This past week, DWTS' sultry Ukranian, Karina Smirnoff, postponed her wedding with fiance and Detroit Tigers' pitcher Brad Penny. Karina claims everything is cool -- she's just crazy busy filming DWTS and arching her back in ways that no human or lizard could ever possibly imagine -- but I'm not so sure.

She might have cold feet. She might be holding onto an old flame. Or she might have Brad Penny on her fantasy team. 5.30 ERA?!?! C'mon Bradley! Last in the league!

So let's get to the bottom of her dripping wet, incredibly sweaty underwear this, and see if we can figure out anything from looking at pictures of her dating history.

Here she is with LITERALLY the worst pitcher in baseball. Wow, shocking that she postponed the wedding. "Hi there, I'm an incredibly limber, exotic Ukranian dancer, and this is my husband, Captain Board Shorts."

Here's Karina's ex-boyfriend, MARIO FUCKING LOPEZ. Starting to maybe think that Brad was the one who postponed the wedding. ALSO, HOW FAR DOWN HAS AC SLATES TUCKED IN THAT JERSEY? ... "Holding on number 17, no wait, number 13, no wait, holding on number, dude, does anyone know this guy's number? It looks like, is that a 7? No idea. Holding on Captain Jerry Curl, AC Green. Holding on The Virgin. 10 yards from the spot of the, JESUS CHRIST, is your jersey tucked into your butt crack, young man? Be honest!"

Now there's a man. Maksim Chmerkovskiy -- who my wife friggin' LOVES -- and who I have a very hard time spelling his name without googling. I honestly can't fault my wife, I like Maks. And how 'bout the triple unbutton job? Karina looks like she's in love (with his c*ck!).

Here's a 280 pound flouder hanging a curve ball to THE TANNEST, HOTTEST CHICK EVER. What kinda coach is Penny? TWO HANDS ON THAT BALL SMIRNOFF!

I mean, that's pass interference, right? What are these guys teaching her? And why the freak is Slates having a football toss when CLEARLY she's trying to get pregnant?

See, this guy knows what he's doing. While those other idiots are playing catch, Maks is showing Karina how to putt from the rough. Look how much fun she's having (and how Maks is resting his putter on his boner).

This looks like an exciting post-beach meal. "Honey, I'm thinking about ordering some clams casino. Or maybe I'll just have some crackers. What are you having? Oh, water. That's cool. Also, thanks for dressing up."

That's a nip-shot folks! That's a nip-shot! And what's Mario doing? Closing his eyes, holding his breath and denying entry! What the freak, Slates?!?! Why aren't you sucking on that titty? That titty is just sitting there begging to be sucked! Sucking titties is innate! I'll suck a titty right now! I'll honestly suck a titty RIGHT NOW. I don't even care whose titty. I'll honestly suck any titty, anywhere. IT'S IN MY NATURE.

THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING! This picture is also sort-of incredibly erotic! Why is this blog always about sex?!?! ... I NEVER INTEND IT TO BE!

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD MOVE SLATES! WHY SUCK ON A TITTY WHEN YOU CAN CHUCK A CHICK OVER YOUR HEAD?! ALSO HER LEGS AND FEET LOOK AMAZING AND THIS BLOG IS SO EMBARRASSING.

Are you telling me this lady's not ready for some Goulash?!?

LOOK AT THE EYE CONTACT!

"These are really good crackers. And that's an awesome shirt, honey. Hendo. That's cool. I don't want any of your water, it's fine. Not that thirsty."

Matching pants?!

That's actually the coolest he's ever looked.