2011 Year in Review - The Top 14 Shows and Some Other Stuff

Wookin' Pa Nub

It recently occurred to me that I have a blog about television, and should probably write about television from time to time.

Obviously, the "Top 14 Shows of the Year" list below will not include every friggin' TV show -- I'm only one man, and despite the fact that I wear a robe and haven't seen the sun for 8 straight days, I couldn't possibly watch all the stupid programs that people watch. So I have omitted shows like Breaking Bad and Luther even though those are probably good shows.

So take the list with a grain of salt even though I'm not really sure what that saying means or if I'm using it correctly.

Without Freddy Adu, here's the Top 14 shows of the year.

14. Moonshiners (Discovery)

Clearly this list has already lost all credibility. Moonshiners is not the 14th best show, I'm not even sure if it's a good show, but you don't come to TVMWW for credibility now, do ya? I got sucked into watching three straight hours of Moonshiners a few weeks ago (with my wife) and we were blown away. Not necessarily by the show, but by the fact that we were still awake at 1am on a weeknight.

I happen to be fascinated by small-town living, so any show about the people of Virginia, Slovenia, or Botswana is right up my alley. In fact, my mind is blown by any culture that lives without modern first world amenities like Yahtzee or cream cheese. The Moonshiners of Virginia are actually very smart (and I don't mean "streetsmart" like they know how to use a rabbit to keep their feet warm, I mean actual smarts, like they understand science). Moonshiners shows the world that making liquor can be VERY complicated and it is PERFECTLY FINE to wear overalls with nothing on underneath. I never did see the end of the series so I don't know if the overalled guy got away with his moonshining, but I did watch enough to meet a guy named Popcorn and another guy named Tickle who I'm pretty sure drank a good amount of his moonshining profits. How amazing would he be as the next Bach?

This guy's name is Popcorn. 

13. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

I gotta tell ya, I don't remember anything about this past season from Curb, but I know that Leon was in a few episodes, so that's good enough for me. 13th place!

12. Real Housewives of New Jersey, Beverly Hills and Atlanta (Bravo)

Bravo proved to us this year that if a guy beats his wife and then kills himself, that they will televise his wife having a complete and total mental breakdown. This is totally unacceptable, but still somewhat entertaining. They also showed us that black people are still cooler than white people (as if Moonshiners wasn't proof enough) and that Kathy's husband Rich (from RHONJ) is a certified gangsta who may or may not know his multiplication tables.

He doesn't even have shoelaces on!

11. The Bachelorette: Ashley (ABC) 

As far as Bachelor/Bachelorette seasons go, Ashley's was sort of a snoozefest, but that's still good enough for top 11 on this list. Because despite all of her annoying skipping and dancing and saying everything was "paeuurrrfayct, peurrfehct" the show did give us some unbelievable moments. Such azzzzz: Ashley crying at a comedy show, Constantine making salad (AT HIS VERY OWN PIZZA SHOP), and Ames getting CONCUSSED in a Muay Thai boxing match. Also, CONSTANTINE MADE SALAD!

10. NFL Redzone (NFL Redzone Channel)

This show is so bonkers that it has it's own channel. Think about that. And not only does it have it's own channel, but it's only on for 6 hours a week! The rest of the time, the channel is just a clock ticking down until 1pm on Sundee. Redzone Channel has redefined the way people watch football in this country. It also makes my wife's head explode.

Worth watching just for the haircuts. 

9. Premier League Review Show (Fox Soccer Channel)

Also redefining the way people watch football in this country, the Premier League Review Show just so happens to have the absolute worst time slot in the history of time slots, coming on immediately following 7 hours of American football watching. My wife hardly ever lets me watch it, except for rare occasions when I please her sexually. (Keyword there: "rare.")

8. Portlandia (IFC)

An absolutely brilliant show from Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein -- oh my God, how pretentious did that sentence sound?!?! The show really is great though, with Armisen and Brownstein (I keep saying "Brownstein" like I know who she is -- I clearly had to look her up on IMDB to find out her name) playing multiple characters in a sketch show that makes fun of people from the Pacific Northwest. If you've ever spent fifteen minutes in Oregon or Washington, you'll love this show, and if you haven't, you've probably eaten enough oatmeal to get the gist of it. Season 2 starts this Friday, January 6, at 10pm.

7. Martin (TV One - Yeah, that's a channel)

Whenever I see that Martin's on, I can't not watch. Last week I saw an ep where Martin had been burglarized and was now showing Gina how he was going to protect her if the burglar came back. He set up a burglar dummy and kept jumping on it and punching him. I think he bit the dummy too.




6. Wipeout (ABC)

My wife claims to not hate video games. I don't believe her -- she never says "yes" when I ask her to play -- but that didn't stop me from buying her the Wipeout video game for her birthday last week. I know what you're thinking, I know, I bought it for myself ... BUT I DIDN'T ... although I totally did buy her some gourmet pear jam that I plan on eating at some point.

Regardless, Wipeout is the modern day Wheel of Fortune, just a bunch of people getting together and having an absolutely great time. Which will probably be the exact opposite of what my New Years will be like tonight.

Haven't played it yet.

Game of Motherfruckin' Frones!

5. Game of Frones (HBO)

I've been holding off on writing about Game of Frones until the start of Season 2, but this show has it all: midgets, dragons, incest, swords, little shitheads who think they're better than other people (you know who I'm talking about), a crazy lady who still breastfeeds her son even though her son is like 12 (maybe she's just trying to stay thin?), guys who eat people's hearts, a pretty dope theme song (or at least a pretty cool map), wolves who eat people, some other shit, dungeons, beheadings, moonshine, British accents, swords again, swordplay, swordfish, lots of swordfish, fishsticks, Fishwicks, fishballs, clamballs, okay enough of this.

4. Open Court (NBA TV)

I really wanted to put this show #1, but I'm pretty sure that the only people who have seen it are my buddy Rev and this guy I work with who doesn't read this blog because reading is boring.

Essentially the show is just a roundtable discussion with NBA greats Charles Barkley, Shaq, C-Webb, Reggie Miller and Steve Smith (and also Kenny Smith and Steve Kerr). They tell amazing stories from their playing days, such as what is was like to be a rookie in a new town, the first time they met Dr. J, or Reggie admitting that Drazen Petrovic was the smelliest player he ever had to guard. Sometimes they talk hoops, sometimes they just make fun of Kenny, sometimes they fall over laughing on each other they way black people do and the way white people also do when they're with black people.

I wish my friends supported me.

3. Parks and Recreation (NBC)

So many great characters. Let's rank 'em:

1. Andy - he's gotten to that Bill Murray in What About Bob / Stephen Merchant / Scooby Doo level to where all I have to do is look at him and I laugh.
2. Jean-Ralphio
3. Tom Haverford
4. Leslie Knope - Snork Juice
5. April
6. Ron Swanson
7. The black lady (that's racist right? But how else do I describe her? The lady who's a bit heavy and also works there? I don't even know her name! And yeah, I could just look it up like I did for Carrie Brownstein, but sometimes it's fun to be a bit racist!)
8. Before I even rank #8, can we take a second to acknowledge that we've already listed SEVEN characters and they're all hilarious and we haven't even gotten to Ron Swanson?!?!
9. Rob Lowe
10. Jerry/Gary! Maybe my favorite part of the past season, when they found out that Jerry's name is Gary but are still calling him Jerry.
11. Ann Perkins - possibly the prettiest woman on TV? With apologies to Emily from the Bachelor and Vanna White. All right, I feel bad for the black lady, I just looked her up, her name is Donna.
12. Ben - and even though he's 12th, I STILL REALLY LIKE HIM.

2. Louie (FX)

Louie pretty much swept everybody's list this year for the best show on TV and for good reason. It's phenomenal. The show is definitely a comedy, but has so much depth, sadness and realness -- is that word? No squiggly red line under it so it must be a word!

The episode when Louie goes to Iraq was so moving and so sad and so sweet that just writing this sentence makes me wanna puke. Louis C.K. has total creative control over the show, doesn't really care about a storyline or a thread or an ending, and just writes and films and puts together whatever kind of show he wants. The show is unlike anything else on TV, especially Virgin Diaries.

This woman is now dating Jeremy Shockey and I'm not kidding.

1. The Bachelor: Brad (ABC)

Simple premise, incredible outcome: 20 terrifying women (some with mega-boobs) fighting over one man (who in some cases may be a half-man).

Look, the Bach is the best. You can try to deny it, say that it lacks depth, that it lacks moral fiber, that it lacks one redeemable quality ... and you'd be right, YOU'D BE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, but the show is absolutely incredible. It's part-drama, part-romance, part-comedy, lots-of-parts-comedy, part-fantasy, part-fantasy suites, and it never works ... IT NEVER WORKS ... every couple ends up in Dumpsville, Ohio, but it's an emotional roller coaster ride that makes you want to barf at every turn.

Brad's season brought us a lady who banged Carlos Boozer, an angelic widow, AND TWO LADIES WHOSE NAMES WERE SHAWNTEL AND CHANTAL. You can't make that up folks. YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT UP. If the producers of a new show were sitting around a board room in Hollywood and one guy was like, "Yo, what if we had a show starring a chick who used to date Elton Brand, a southern goddess and two ladies named Guargo and Guarbo?" It wouldn't work!

The new season starts on Monday night (YEAH, THIS MONDAY NIGHT) and I've had diarrhea for the past three days in anticipashe.


Some Other Stuff

Shows That I Like That Just Didn't Make the Cut Because Quite Frankly This Blogging Takes a Long Long Time: 30 Rock, An Idiot Abroad, House Hunters Internash, 24/7 Flyers vs. Rangers, CBS Sunday Morning, Eastbound and Down 

Show That I Just Realized Absolutely Belongs in the Top 14 But Didn't Make it Due to Poor Planning on my Part: Eastbound and Down

Shows That People Seem to Like But I Haven't Seen Because Goddammit I'm Only One Man: Luther, Boardwalk Empire, Children's Hospital, It's Always Sunny (I've actually seen two eps of this show and think it's great, but just haven't really dived into it), Homeland, Friday Night Lights, Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey

Best Show That Was Only One Show But Will Probably Be a Show Again: Virgin Diaries - this show was so horribly uncomfortable and retarded that it was secretly amazing.

Oh God that was the weirdest hour of my life.

Best Awards Show: the Grammy's - Rhianna's twat-thrusts were so powerful.

Shows That Aren't That Good, C'mon People Let's Be Real: Modern Family, True Blood, The Killing 

Show That I Honestly Can't Believe One Lousy Dollar Was Put Into To Make It Even Though I Never Saw It: Franklin and Bash

Show That I May or May Not Secretly Like: Toddlers and Tiaras - HOW BOUT THAT MACKENZIE?!?!? IS SHE SOMETHING.COM OR WHAT?!?!?

Guy Who Used to be Absolutely Intolerable Who I Now Sorta Like: Scott Disick

Worst Person Ever: Tie between Ashley from RHONJ and Taylor from RHOBH

Woman Who Watches Only Shows With One Word in the Title Like, Fringe and Bones and Revenge and Castle and Sconeballs: My buddy Law's mom, Janet Law

TVMWW's Commenter of the Year: Thad aka Philly Phoodie - possibly my best friend in this world even though I've only met him once.

TVMWW's Reader of the Year: Rachel Co - no human being has promoted the blorg to her friends through social media like Rachel Co.

Yes!

Shows that I'm Ridiculously Excited For in 2012 


The Bachelor (ABC) - STARTS THIS MONDAY NIGHT!!


Life's Too Short (HBO) - the new jawn from Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, the creators of The Office (UK) and Extras


Game of Frones (HBO) - no idea when it starts 


Angry Boys (HBO) - the new show from the guy from Summer Heights High, which was FANTASTIC. It starts this Sunday night!

Mad Men (AMC) - no idea when it's coming back. IT'S BEEN LIKE THREE YEARS!


Arrested Development (Fox) - HOLY TIT!


Eastbound and Down (HBO) - starts in February


Sportscenter (ESPN) - Did you see that guy score a flip touchdown last week?!?!

TVMWW is on Vacashe

Buy a TVMWW t-shirt, would ya?

Wednesday's Wifey: Keith Van Horn

Don't let the Adam's Ap fool you.

Obviously this week's Wednesday Wifey should be either Vanessa Bryant or Carla Dibello, Kobe's alleged mistress, but this blog has biases when it comes to KB24.

So sticking with the basketball theme -- and in honor of the upcoming seez -- let's take a look at another woman who made the rounds in the NBA, Keith Van Horn.

This picture pretty much sums up Keith's entire NBA career. Look at Carmelo, he seems baffled by how violent Camby's block was. During Van Horn's playing days, her opponents refused to take it easy on her, sometimes resenting the fact that she attempted to infiltrate an all-male sport.

Here's a young Keith Van Horn during her playing days at Utah. "I chose the Caesar Salad Bowl hairstyle to fit in," claimed Van Horn in a 1998 interview with Redbook. "It didn't work. Everyone still hated me."

Van Horn struggled playing against bigger, stronger men. Here she is attempting to execute a maneuver taught to her by Shawn Bradley -- splitting two defenders, shrieking and crumbling to the floor.

Other college athletes refused to stand next to KVH during a photo shoot for the preseason all-american team. "I just feel like, ugh, why is everyone being so weird?" Keith would later tell her therapist. "Sometimes I just wanna curl up with a bottle of red wine and watch My So Called Life. Oh my God, it's freezing in here. It's not funny, I have poor circulation."

Van Horn and her therapist, Dr. James Naismith.

"It wasn't so much having to play against stronger, tougher opponents, she never really understood the rules," said Nets coach Byron Scott, referring to Keith often signaling touchdowns throughout the run of play.

"She's not good at basketball," said MJ after Van Horn went 2-27 during a midseason matchup against the Bulls, including getting her shot blocked an NBA record 25 times. "She needs to develop a pull-up jumper. And around 417 other moves." 

Van Horn got along well with teammates despite absolutely sucking at basketball. "She was funny," said Dirk Nowitzki. "She had this one recurring joke where after we lost, she would pretend to cry in the locker room -- like weeping -- and she was always asking if anyone wanted to go shopping on our off-days. Hilarious." 

Keith's abysmal display on the court still allowed her to get plenty of endorsements -- like this video game that no one ever bought or played.

"Reading Pride and Prejudice really helped Keith during those dark years while playing in Philly," said Rachel Glabstone, a member of Van Horn's book club. "I still hated her guts though." 

"Dude, I was doing this really cool muscle-flexing thing for a photo shoot for Slam magazine, and Keith kept insisting on massaging me," said future murderer Jayson Williams. "He was really tense," Van Horn would later explain. 

Poor Keith Van Horne. 

A new web-series loosely based on Van Horn's life. 

GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO UPDATE: Well, I finally got to a part where something happened, and lemme tell you, something happened. Wowzers. Tonight I'm taking a train up to NYC to see Stephen Merchant do stand-up, so I might be able to bang out some pages. My wife is getting very nervous that I'm not gonna finish by Christmas. I still have to read like 400 pages. That's so many pages.

The Wife and I are Going on a Double Date Tonight to see WWE Wrestling

Look at that little right nip just slipping outside of that suspender. Absolutely rock-hard. 

Some primetime TV listings for Monday, December 19, 2011:

ABC: Kung Fu Panda Holiday Special, a Chipmunk Christmas -- Not bad. I like kung fu. And I actually saw a guy this morning in an abandoned tennis court practicing his jumping spin-kicks. He was kicking the fence. The Chipmunks are pretty dope too. Rating: B+

CBS: How I Met Your Mother, Two Broke Girls, Empty Nest, Knots Landing -- I know people say these CBS shows are good, but I can't imagine that's possible. Rating: D+

Fox: Terra Nova? -- Actual words from the actual description: "Occupation; Resistance. The 11th pilgrimage reaches Terra Nova; the Phoenix Group moves ahead with their plan." Rating: Snoozefest

PBS: Antiques Roadshow marathon -- Riveting for around 20 minutes. Rating: B+

BET: Mo' Money -- Secretly a pretty good movie. Stacey Dash? Eyes like a crystal palace (not sure what that means). Rating: B-

Bravo: Real Housewives of I Need a Monday Night Break From That Show -- Rating: Taylor, you don't need to do those things on television. I promise you. You don't need to do those things.

USA (still a channel apparently): WWE MONDAY NIGHT RAW -- LIVE FROM THE WELLS FARGO CENTER IN PHILADELPHIA, WRESTLERS WHO I'VE NEVER HEARD OF (BESIDES JOHN CENA (THE "YOU CAN'T SEE ME" GUY) AND "THE MIZ" (WHO MY WIFE IS SORT OF EXCITED TO SEE) WILL BE CHOKE-SLAMMING EACH OTHER AND THERE WILL PROBABLY ALSO BE SOME CHICKS BLASTING OTHER CHICKS IN THE NECK AND BREAST REGION. I'M VERY EXCITED AND I HOPE MY WIFE AND MY FRIEND AND HIS WIFE ARE EXCITED TOO.

I haven't watched wrestling since the late 80's, but I got some free tix to Raw and I'm always down to eat hot dogs (and even though that wasn't meant to be a sexual innuendo, you can take it as one, because I'm also willing to suck a dong for free tickets). Plus, Steelers vs. Niners? Meh. Look for me in the stands, I'll be the guy wearing a button-down shirt with the enormous boner sitting next to three people constantly checking their cellphones.

I don't know what Marlon Wayans is doing back there, but it's probably hilarious. 

GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATOO UPDATE: pg 238 -- I'm still waiting for the first sex/stabbing scene. Also, for a book written about Swedish people, there hasn't been one mentioning of ski jumping. I'm a little embarrassed to be reading the book on the train/in public, but then again I'm broadcasting it to the whole world here on the internet (aka the four people who read this thing) and seeing as no one reads this thing, I'm now going to write a series of words that don't make sense, but that I find funny: slorv, grarv, klavendale, gorvenstorv.

Some Quick Thoughts About Top Chef So Far This Seez

Is Ed wearing the Kobe's? ... I knew I liked him.

Ty-Lör?

Ed is quite popular in our home. Possibly because he looks like a karate master, but moreso because of the way he talks. He kinda moves his jaw around in a circle -- sort of like how Shaq talks out of the side of his mouth (so does Kandi from RHOA), but it looks more like a cow chewing grass. He seems to be a decent chef too, which is cool I guess if you're into that sort of thing. Also, how much do cows love eating grass? They literally have no other hobbies. 

Chris Jones's hair is UNACCEPTABLE. The little pony-tail thing on top of his head? Only karate masters can pull that off (although I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that guy took karate as a child -- karate's a hobby for kids who can't throw or catch a ball -- and there's no way a man with that type of haircut is a good athlete). 

I know that it seems like I don't respect karate, but I totally do. In fact, I'd be ecstatic if my future pathetic son (who won't be able to throw or catch a ball) decided to take up karate. I'm 34 years old and I still have no idea how those guys can karate-chop a brick.

Can we seriously stop for a second and think about how amazing it is that karate guys can karate-chop a brick?!?! And actually, not just one brick, but like a whole pile of bricks! You can't fake that folks! You can't fake karate-chopping bricks! There's no secret magic bricks out there to buy (trust me, I've searched, OH I'VE SEARCHED). And sometimes they do it with their heels! The other day, I accidentally let my screen door close on my heel and I've been complaining about it ever since. I fucking hate my screen door.

Ty-Lör? With an umlaut? 

Also, what is with this Chef Roblé? The guy can skateboard? That's appealing to me as a television viewer? (For the record, I was actually intrigued when those commercials first came on. I will honestly watch any television show. There was a show last week about guys from Virginia making moonshine -- I stayed up until 2am watching it and seriously considered making my own liquor. Then I heard a noise in my house and got scared and ran to bed.)   

For some reason, my wife really likes Grayson, the semi-attractive lady. It seems like my wife always gravitates to the female chefs. I like her okay. I think my favorite is the cow guy. I think I just really like cows. 

C'mon, that's a nice-looking cow. 

And how 'bout Padma this year, huh? She looks fantastic. Gail looks nice and happy too. I imagine the true perverts out there (I'm talking to you, Rev) prefer Gail to Pad. I will also bet my entire sock of nickels that Gail's husband takes karate. 

It'd be one thing if the guy's name was just Ty-Lör, but it's Ty-Lör Boring! And who has the AU-DA-CITY to have a name with an umlaut?!?!

The episode in Dallas with the young rich couples was mind-boggling. And not just because of the wealth, and how clean those people's homes were, actually yeah, it was how clean those people's homes were. Those kitchens were spotless! Even when our kitchen is tidy, there's still SOMETHING left out -- some mail, a sock full of nickels (some dimes too), my air-pop popcorn maker that seriously doesn't fit into any cabinets -- I don't understand what goes on in this world. 

The only good thing about Dallas ever. Dude ripped like 8 boards a game!

GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO UPDATE: So I'm now on page 182 of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Kalle Bloomquist is living on that cold island and just went into town to get some long underwear. I honestly love long underwear. It's so tight! And warm! And long! You guys should read that book. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out these 10 Swedish guys and one fake Swedish guy. 

Wednesday's Wifeys - The Real Housewives of BH and Atlanta

Listen, love this blog or LOATHE it, you can't say that I don't find DYNAMITE pictures.

Evster's note: This is not a traditional Wednesday's Wifey post -- it's more like a combo Wednesday Wifey/Real Housewives jawn. Actually, it's more like a regular Housewives column that happened to fall on a Wednesday. So boom, here's the double-dipper. I'm aware that this is a total cop-out. I'm also aware that Combos are delicious.

Ever since I started watching simultaneous seasons of the Real Housewives, this blorg has gotten much more angry and misogynistic.

I blame women.

But hey, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," right? What a crock that is -- probably a woman who made that one up. Who are you to tell me what and what not to say!

As dumb as that saying is (and as much as I think Hillary Clinton should sex it up a little bit) there must be something charming about these housewives from Beverly Hills, right? Atlanta's got it going on, I actually like those ladies, but the white women from BH? Eeesh. Let's try to see if these ladies do in fact have some redeeming qualities.

I've honestly never seen a happier couple.

Camille Still Goin' With Grammer

For People Who Don't Watch: Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife

Redeeming Qualities: Has good rhythm ... decent bowler ... shares the same first name as Bill Cosby's wife.

My wiiife, Camiiiiiillllleee (that's my Bill Cosby impression) had a bit of a rough start with the Beverly Hills crew, but seems to have settled in nicely. Also, her name is very similar to "Camilla," Gonzo's chicken friend, who I've always liked a great deal.

"Joe Louis was 137 years old!"

Lisa Vanderpump, Yep, Vanderpump

For People Who Don't Watch: The British lady

Redeeming Qualities: Always shows cleavage ... quick-witted ... British accent. 

I guess if there's one person you'd want to go out for tea and scones with, it'd be Vanderpumps, and not just because she's British and probably knows a lot about tea, but because she probably also knows a lot about scones. Little known fact: you can never know enough about scones (so underrated!). Then again, do you really want to have tea with a person who spends the entire meal bragging about how much they know about scones? The answer for me is "yes." Especially if that person is also showing off some major cleave. Ugh, I disgust myself. That woman's like 75 years old. She's also filthy disgusting rich. I sorta love her.

Are they in a sauna?

Bootleg Brandi 

For People Who Don't Watch: My personal fave.

Redeeming Qualities: Ain't never scurred ... nipples like a barracuda ... fantastic bowler. 

Not necessarily the person you'd want to go bra shopping with, but seems to have a bunch of nice young friends who know how to slurp 'n burp. By the way, according to my wife (and this big-tittied lady that we saw on What Not to Wear the other day), a good bra is THE ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the world. And yet Brandi chooses to live life without one ... God bless her.

Oh my God Kim that's so funny seriously so funny please move away oh no no no it's seriously so funny I know I know we're best friends awesome I love this seat. 

Kim Big Sis Richards

For People Who Don't Watch: The lady who just checked into rehab.

Redeeming Qualities: Makes everyone around her feel better about themselves. 

Reality gold this woman, reality gold.

At my buddy's wedding, I gave a speech about his new bride that was POORLY received (and interpreted) by his wife. In the speech, I was trying to convey that the woman he was marrying was SO BONKERS that their life together was guaranteed to be entertaining. It might be crazy, it might be outta control, but it was going to be exciting ... going to the supermarket, ordering scones, folding socks ... all mundane activities, but with his wife, exhilarating. Her energy MADE LIFE INTERESTING, EXCITING, WORTH LIVING. Regardless, she didn't appreciate it (nor will she appreciate me comparing her to Kim Richards), BUT THEY'RE BOTH INCREDIBLY CAPTIVATING. Everything Kim does -- weeping, falling down, pointing, sitting on washing machines eating Cheetos -- is fun to watch. And isn't that what life's all aboot Celine Dion?

There's honestly so many Jax on the floor, and Kyle, hate to break it to you, but THAT'S NOT A REAL VACUUM YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING.

Kyle Lil' Syst Richards

For People Who Don't Watch: Kim's sister and Paris Hilton's aunt.

Redeeming Qualities: Can do a split ... has long-enough hair to make wigs for 37 cancer patients. 

Kyle recently wrote a book that only costs $16 (hardback). C'mon, that's a pretty fair price for a book these days.

How many pillows does she have behind her?

Taylor Something

For People Who Don't Watch: The one whose husband killed himself.

Redeeming Qualities: Hmmmm, good at screaming and crying?

If you were making a movie, and in the movie there was a scene where some guy needed to slaughter an antelope, she'd be a great antelope stunt double.

Now obviously it's much easier to find positive qualities about the Atlanta housewives -- they're kinda cool -- so let's fly through these next few (because honestly it's the end of the day on Wednesday and I haven't posted in a week and the four people who actually read this blorg are all over me to post something).


So there's that move.

NeNe Boom Boom Leakes

For People Who Don't Watch: The big jawn from the Apprentice.

Redeeming Qualities: Funny ... charismatic ... my wife thinks she always wears great nailpolish.

The Real Housewives version of Charles Barkley. She definitely doesn't live by the whole "if you don't have something nice to say" credo, in fact, sometimes she's a bully. But so was Charles.

DJ Steve Sidewalk. Real person. "No, no, I'm not gonna go with DJ Sidewizzle, I'm going with DJ Steve Sidewalk. Yeah, 'cause I'm like the DJ who does stuff on the sidewalk. And my name's Steve, sooooo ..." 

Kim Zolciak-Biermann

For People Who Don't Watch: The white lady.

Redeeming Qualities: Registered Nurse ... equal opportunity employer ... has cute kids. 

Look, it's undeniable, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party" was a total megajam. It doesn't make any sense! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE ... but it's undeniable.

I mean, that's a RIDICKULOUS thing to say to a person, and yet she pulled it off. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Hey, Freddy, dude, I'm having a party this weekend, thinking it'll start about 6. Gonna be cool, my girl's making around 13 different kinds of dips. In fact, we're gonna have a different dip in every room, kinda like an around the world thing, but with dips. So yeah, it starts at 6, don't be tardy for the party. What's that? No, no, I didn't say "don't be tardy for the party," I said be there around 6. Six is a good time. If you arrive later than 6, that's ehhh, that's fine, but I'd try to get there at 6. Lots of dips man, lots of dips. I just wanna make sure you get some." But she did! In a song!

Whatever starcasm.net, get over yourself.

Phaedra Parks, Esq.

For People Who Don't Watch: A lawyer who represents male strippers, including one guy named "Ridickulous" who can legitimately suck his own crank.

Redeeming Qualities: Sweet disposition ... gets buckwild with eye shadow ... probably slept with the entire Atlanta Braves outfield in 1993 (including Otis Nixon). 

For those of you who don't know what Otis Nixon looks like (essentially everybody who reads this) ...

Just keeping it real.

Traces of gonorrhea, too.

Kandi Ballgag Burruss

For People Who Don't Watch: Former member of the R&B group, Xscape. Is R&B still a thing?

Redeeming Qualities: Total pervert ... legit singer ... wide open sexually. 

I can't imagine how many ballgags are probably in the top drawer of her bedside table.

Where ya at now, starcasm.net?!?!

Cynthia GET OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE NOW Bailey

For People Who Don't Watch: Former model, RIDICKulously beautiful.

Redeeming Qualities: Super pretty ... once dated Russell Simmons ... could probably help you find your way around the New York City subway system. 

Legs that go all the way up.

If you don't have anything nice to say ...

Shereé Did I put the é Thingy on the Right e? Whitfield 

For People Who Don't Watch: Ex-wife of all-pro tackle Bob Whitfield.

Redeeming Qualities: Ex-wife of all-pro tackle Bob Whitfield ... has a really cute and sad sad teenage son.

Donkey-butt.

(That's a good thing!)

Anybody seen the remote?

My wife is making me read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo because she wants to see the movie with me on Christmas. So for the next few weeks, I'm gonna use this space down here to give status updates on where I'm at in the book. I don't know if that's interesting at all, but I'm doing it. The thing is like 600 pages long and that's about 583 more pages than I can usually read. Right now I'm on page 168 and I'm enjoying it. This Lisbeth lady is sneaky as a mug. All right, here's your stupid picture of something.

Wednesday's Wifey: Luisana Lopilato aka Mrs. Michael Bublé

My wife and I took a similar pic over a canal while we were in Bruges, but I had food in my teeth and she was looking off at a duck eating a piece of bread.

You wanna hear some buhhhlllisht? In the history of the Miss Universe Pageant, only ONE Argentinian chick has been crowned champion.

Is that a yoke?!?!

It's been proven BY SCIENCE that Argentinian women are the HOTTEST, followed closely by Brazilians, Colombians and chicks who wear leather socks.

Michael Boobs ain't no dummy, that dude bagged himself an Argentinian BOMB -- Luisana Lopilato -- today's Wednesday Wifey.

Here's the lovely couple out for a stroll with their dog Waymond, who seems to have a very unfortunate case of lockpaw. Look at that dog's right arm! That jawn is LOCKED. "Go this way Boobs! And also, ruff!"

HOW FUCKING AMAZING WOULD IT BE IF DOGS COULD TALK? ... AND ALSO POINT WHICH WAY THEY WANTED US TO WALK? ... AND ALSO MAKE BURRITOS?!?!

My Marinovich-like parents made me take piano lessons for three years and I ain't NEVER played on no piano like this! Wow, what a beauty! Is that a Steinway? Or a Bosendorfer? Oh, also, if you look above that beautiful shiny black piano you'll see a half-nekkid Argentinian chick. And if you're a real perv and you look down, you'll notice a small window of space in between her legs and underneath her nosh. My buddy Jonny Hi-tops claims he only finds women attractive if their thighs don't touch. Jonny also shits his pants VERY regularly. His wife is a very nice person who deserves much bettter than him. Also, I would pay Luisana big big bucks to spit on me.

This is Norma Nolan, Miss Universe 1962 from Argentina. It's a nice pic, she looks good, I appreciate her hairless thighs, but check out the dude over her left shoulder STRAIGHT CHILLIN' with (possibly) a case of lockarm. You think he's ever plowed a chick on a piano? NO DOUBT.

Ever seen two people more miserable on a gondola ride? Maybe they're freezing? Seasick? Low blood sugar? That's the #1 cause of every fight my wife and I ever get into. When the hell did we get to the point in our lives where if we didn't have a granola bar by 11am we'd feel the urge to spit on someone? And how 'bout the fact that the gondola driver looks totally oblivious that Luisana and Boobs are having a lousy time. "Ah, yes-ah, if you look over to the right-ah, you see the home-ah of Luigi Inzaghi, my mailman. He bring-a the mail-a. He also have nice wife-ah."

Maybe they got into a fight over one of Lulu's exes, like this dude, Mariano Martinez. He looks so much cooler than Boobs even though he's going with the whole shirt kinda-tucked-in-kinda-not look which is totally a move by the way.

Another one of Ms. Lopilato's exes, tennis player Juan Monaco, who is either the best or worst dude ever. Juan's wikipedia page says that he's a big San Antonio Spurs fan and also likes the Lord of the Rings books (still can't tell if he's cool!). Either way, I hope these two were able to figure out wherever they wanted to go without Lulu's dog pointing the way.

Mrs. Bublé's first boyfriend, Felipe Colombo, who she met while filming a kids show ... kinda like a Britney-Timblerlake-type thing. They also apparently MADE A PRIVATE VIDEO TOGETHER that I pray to God featured Felipe's shirt. THAT DUDE LOOKS SO SERIOUS! He has to be on meth now, right?

Bublé doesn't fuckin' play either! There's a reason he bagged Luisana in the first place and there's a reason she took a vow to be his WIFE. Look how fucking gentle he is! You think he wants to be on a gondola?!?! Hell no, he wants to lay down in the softest bed ever and croon! "Message to the rest of you creepers out there, SNITCHES GET STICHES, and yeah, that doesn't make sense here but you get the point so lay off my wife because I'd be sad if you messed around with her and I also really like her dog."

Awwww, poor Boobs. The rough part of being a celeb who's married to an Argentinian smokedog: sometimes people take pictures of you when you're taking a break from your trainer. I'm sorry Boobs, I shouldn't have posted this, BUT I'M HONESTLY AMAZED THAT YOU BAGGED LULU IN THE FIRST PLACE!! ... SHOULDN'T SHE BE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING WITH AN ARGENTINIAN STUD? ... LIKE THIS GUY ...

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE IS AMAZING. That lamp? That box fan? That stuffed dog and sticker on the wall that says "I LOVE SOCCER?!?!!?" How funny are impoverished South Americans!

Searching for pictures of Diego Maradona was the best thing I've done all week. You can sort of see his dork in his shorts! I CANNOT imagine how many chicks #10 probably blasted in that bedroom of his, or on gondolas, or pianos, or right in front of some chick's husband.

"Oh, y'know, just walking on a plank in between two houses with my Boca Juniors uniform on and a pair of slippers, and my giant dong, not that big of a deal."

Who's this week's Wednesday Wifey again? 

Did you peep the new TVWWW header? Shout-out to the fabulous Gabulous. If you wanna see more of Gabulous' stuff, click here. Or CHECK OUT ALL THESE BLUEBERRIES.