NOPE! No All-Star Weekend for Me, Thanks!

Oh, y'know, it'll be hosted by Valeria, Jasmin, Dana and WANKAEGO!

This weekend is BY FAR my favorite weekend of the year: NBA All Star Weekend. (And how 'bout the fact that I just used to word "weekend" three times in the opening sentence!)

HOWEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I will be missing the Slam Dunk Contest and 3-Point Shootout on Saturday night because I have to go out to dinner with a bunch of white people.

IT'S REASONS LIKE THIS, my friends, that I started this dogshit-blorg in the first place ... because suckers like me get married (I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH HONEY) and our lives get sucked out from our souls and tucked into tight khaki pants for a night out with "friends."

Now, I must make it clear that my wife TOTALLY gave me the green light to get outta this Saturday night's festivities (that's being called "New iPhone app: Dinner with Friends" on our email chain), but after thinking about it carefully and prayerfully, I (and only me) ultimately decided that friendship and getting out and living life was more important than staying home and watching Deron Williams dribble around a bunch of cones.

WHAT A FUCKING DUMB DECISION THAT WAS!

Beebs definitely checking a secret, slutty text. 

Some of my fondest memories from growing up revolve around sitting on my mother's friend Marion's couch (we didn't have cable, so I had to go there to watch TBS), eating those chocolate carmel Nips candies (so hard at first and then soooooo gooey!) and watching Kenny Walker (and his amazing flat-top AND GOLD CHAIN) do windmill 360s! Or Craig Hodges's 19 straight three-balls in 1991!!! And then coming back the next year and defending his title DESPITE not even being on an NBA roster ... remember, he wore that generic NBA jersey! ... who am I even writing this to? ... there's no way the four Texas girls who read this blog know who Craig Hodges is! ... BUT THEY SHOULD!!!

And yeah yeah yeah, I know, I know, the dunk contest started sucking in the mid-90's, but then VINCE ... and then it sucked again ... but then DWIGHT! (I was at my Mother-in-Law's Brooklyn apartment for Superman's display AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A TELEVISION) ... and then last year BLAKE JUMPED OVER A CAR -- and yeah, he only jumped over the front of it, but Baron Davis WAS SITTING IN THE CAR AND THREW BLAKE AN OOP OUT OF THE SUNROOF!!!





In 2002, All Star Weekend was here in Philly and my buddy Rev and I decided to take a walk down to the Marriott downtown where all the players and celebs were staying. I'm not sure what our intention was, I guess we just wanted to be part of the action, maybe see a few players and entertainers or have sex with some of the women who were there trying get pregnant, but the entire hotel was blocked off. Luckily, I've seen a bunch of those Ocean's Whatever movies and know that there's always a way to sneak past security. So I went into the hotel restaurant (entrance was on the street), pretended to go to the bathroom, started pushing on a bunch of unmarked doors and then wammo!

The door opened up to the middle of this longgggggggggggggggg, empty hallway; 30 yards to the left was the hotel atrium: a bar, the concierge desk, a fountain, etc ... and 30 yards to the right was the VIP players/celebrities entrance. And just as I popped out, Method Man was heading my way.

As non-chalantly as possible, I started walking side-by-side with Meth. It's always a little awkward when you're walking RIGHT next to a stranger down a longgggg corridor, let alone a stranger who just popped out of some unsuspecting door, or a stranger who happens to be a member of the Wu Tang Clan, but eventually as we were walking I felt the need to say SOMETHING.

So I turned to Meth and said, "So Meth, when you see your friends later, are you gonna tell them that you walked down a hallway with me today?"

I'm not sure if he got it (I actually thought it was a pretty good line), but he just kinda looked at me and went, "Yeah," and then we went our separate ways at the hotel lobby.





But no hob-knobbing with rap stars for me this weekend! Nope, just some chicken tikka masala with people named "Brian" and "Amanda." Adding pain to heartache is the fact that Sundee's All Star Game IS ON AT THE SAME TIME as the Oscars!

Not even like, "Oh, well, you can watch the first half and then switch over to the Academy Awards, because the game starts an hour earlier," NO, BECAUSE THE RED CARPET STUFF IS MY WIFE'S FAVORITE PART.

I guess I could go to a friend's house, BUT I KINDA LIKE THE RED CARPET STUFF TOO (and I think my friends do also).

If there's one silver lining to missing All Star Weekend, it's that I won't have to watch the ONSLAUGHT of ads promoting Tyler Perry's new movie. At some point, one of us white people is gonna HAVE TO watch a Tyler Perry movie, just so we can understand what the hell is going on in the world. My wife and I actually attempted to watch around 15 minutes of one of his flicks on TBS one afternoon and it was EXACTLY what you'd expect it to be.

A black family from Chicago headed down south for a distant family member's funeral and were picked up at a bus stop in Alabama by a few of their long-lost relatives. And of course these southern relatives were goofy as hell and lived in a country house without air conditioning and then some other relative who wore a suit and had a good job and nice teeth came in and smiled at one of the Chicago women. Not one person was wearing khakis.

I GOTTA GET FUCKING DVR ALREADY!

JESUSSSSSSSSS

CHRIST!




JUMPMAN: MELO EXPLOSIVE FLIGHT BTS from klipcollective on Vimeo.


I know no one ever watches videos in these posts, but all three of the ones I embedded are FANTASTIC. Especially this one right above here, made for Carmelo's Knicks debut and release of his new sneaker. So you should watch them. Orrrrrrrrrr, if you haven't done so yet, you should vote in the poll on the TVMWW homepage. As of now, "I want to start going to bed at a reasonable hour" is in the lead! Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr look at this picture of the biggest jerk of an older brother I've ever seen.

Kiki: so pasty! And Detlef's stache! And why did Coop ALWAYS have his drawstring out?

Pretty sure the guy in the front row all the way on the right once tried to sell me life insurance.

Good thing Michael Adams put his knee brace on ... 
and WHO is #12 and WHAT TEAM does he play for, the Conshohocken Colonels?!?!

Larry Nance obviously farted here.

Thursday's Wifey: The Lady Who Was Sitting Next to Doc Rivers at the Duke-UNC Game

Last night, after Austin Rivers's buzzer-beating, back-breaking, something that starts with a B followed by something else that starts with a B three-pointer downed UNC, his father Doc was seeing going absolutely bonkers in the stands with a very attractive leopard-printed woman.

Of course, knowing that Doc is a former NBA All-star and current coach, I assumed this was his wife. But after a quick Google image search, I realized that Doc happens to be married to Willie Nelson's daughter.

Is she holding that dog's ear? ... She's totally holding that dog's ear!

So if that wasn't Doc's wife, I figured maybe it was Dell Curry's wife (whose son also plays for Duke). I remember her getting some serious air time when Steph was making that Final Four run for Davidson, but I also remember her being an intellectual and I don't think intellectuals wear leopard prints.

Also, why would Doc have his arm around Mrs. Curry?!?!

If they have that kinda relationship, that's great, it's nice for players' parents to bond, but if I were Willie Nelson and my son in law was arm-in-arm with some leopard-printed lady, I'd want some answers.

I guess sometimes crazy things happen during crazy celebrations. Once, after a high school basketball game, some Indian chick with a nose ring kissed me on the cheek as the fans rushed the court. It was pretty exhilarating, partially because her culture forbid her to ever kiss a Jew, but also because that Jew was secretly wearing leopard print panties underneath his uniform.

This is Dell's wife (and Steph and Seth Curry's mom). This can't be the woman next to Doc at the game because that woman was super hot and this woman has AN UNBELIEVABLY LONG NECK and I'm not saying that to make fun of her, I'm just saying this lady's neck is MUCH longer than any other neck I've ever seen, which includes the neck of the lady in the stands with Doc!

Just further proof that Sonya Curry was NOT locking arms with Doc (and also proof that the Curry family dynamic is WEIRD). "Hey Steph, I know you're on the verge of signing a lucrative NBA deal, but come sit on Mommy's lap." I mean, the Currys live in a blatant mansion, they couldn't have gotten one more chair for the photo?!?! There's probably a perfectly good deck chair (and who knows what other amazing outdoor furniture) right next to them on that patio. But no, little Stephy's gonna sit in Mommy's lap.

Could thisssssssssssss be the woman on Doc's arm?

This is Callie Rivers, Doc's daughter, who DEFINITELY looks like she's got a couple leopard print outfits in her wardrobe. There's also a pretty good chance that when she went out this night, 14 different Jewish guys tried to roofie her.

THIS IS WILLIE NELSON'S GRANDDAUGHTER, FOLKS!!

Honestly shocked that of all the people pictured in this post, that Muscles Marinara here isn't the one wearing leopard print. And isn't black slimming? What's this guy thinking?!?!?

Before we rule out Sonya Curry, probably smart to look back at what she looked like as a college volleyball player and HER NECK HAS GOTTEN LONGER, HASN'T IT?!?!

DO NECKS GROW?

I KNOW THAT NOSES AND EARS AND MY TWO VOLLEYBALLS CURRENTLY RESTING RIGHT NOW IN MY LEOPARD PRINTS DO, BUT NECKS TOO?!?!?

I'm gonna go ahead and say that the woman with Doc was NOT Sonya Curry, but Doc's daughter, Callie.

So now that we've settled that, can we discuss ...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CURRY FAMILY?!?!

I honestly have no idea what kind of pose Steph is giving us here. Does Monte* Ellis know about this picture? He looks like he just told his wife that before they get married he wants her to know that he only wears leopard print panties.

(Monte is actually spelled Monta ... see comments below)

Just standing on a bench by a tree, that's all. Not that big of a deal. Just taking a couple shots here with my soon-to-be husband and thought that a standing bench shot would be nice. My dress is getting filthy in these bushes, but it's cool, we got the bench shot. Yeah, Steph's thinking. He's a big Rodin fan. Are the hors d'oeuvres being passed yet?

Another sad sap forced to carry his woman's bag.

Although, I kinda feel like Steph was the one doing the shopping.

By the way, if you haven't seen Will Ferrell introducing the starting lineups from last night's Hornets-Bulls game yet, you need to watch it now.

The Grammys are this weekend. If you feel like reading my Grammy post from last year, click here. Or just check out the only hors d'oeuvres you'll ever need.

CHARLES BARKS IS HOSTING SNL THIS SATURDAY!

Does Manute have a couple bucks rolled up in his sock?

TVMWW's role models:

1. Charles Barkley
2. Eazy-E
3. Cookie Monster
4. General Tso
5. The Guy Who Invented Socks













And Saturday's musical guest:

Rondo?

Wednesday's Wifey: LeBron's Fiancée Savannah Brinson

My mother would've had a freaking heart attack if I ever played basketball that close to the edge of the pool. 

Just two weeks after the Black Mamba's wife Vanessa filed for divorce (and gets HALF BABY HALF of his dough), LeBronski decided to take the plunge with his longtime girlfriend and mother of his children, Savannah Brinson.

Bron-Bron and Savannah have been together since high school, although I imagine (AND THIS IS PURELY SPECULASHE) that he's done some sniffing and snorfing on the side in the past decade. But now the King is settling down, with a woman who may or may not have a thigh tattoo.

Let's go!

You gotta admire a woman in a blazer, especially if that woman is younger than 55 years old. And how 'bout the fact that she decided to pair it with a pin?!?! My Aunt Maxine would totally approve of this outfit. Personally, I like the dude behind Savannah, who decided to go sans-undershirt for the evening. That'swhatI'mtalkin'bout Smooth Operator! But if you just undid one more button, SO MUCH MORE EXHILARATING!

See now Bronski, you gotta be careful who you allow your wife to hang out with. I don't let my wife ever even come close to any Austrians, let alone one who impregnated his housekeeper. I really like how you can tell that Maria is kinda muttering through that fake smile, "Get your furkin' hands off me you furkin' prick, I'm only here to make you look good and meet black men. I still want half motherfurker, HALF."

C'mon LBJ!

Are you cereal?!?!? These people are NOT good influences on your marriage! And how do these women have such strong calves?!?!

"Okay okay LeBron, get in there get in there, yeah that's perfect and Mary J? Mary J if you and your husband could just get a little tighter and yeah, pick your chin up a bit, don't wanna show the double, that's nice, real nice, and Savannah, you're good, just put your left arm down at your side, love your makeup by the way, and Mr. Blige, exactly, exactly, just off of Mary's shoulder and yeah, white lady, yeah, white lady, if could you just stand right there on Savannah's left and look like you absolutely don't belong in this picture yeah that'd be perfect, and make a weird face for me, yep, got it, yep, one more! Got it!"

All that posing for pictures and hanging out with adulterers can be exhausting. Sometimes you need to just get away, go for a dip and the ocean and have your all-star future husband stretch out your rotator cuff. Although there's a chance that Bronny is simply trying to get an underwater hand-j. (Can't blame him for that, you honestly can't.)

Whoa. Was not expecting a shin tattoo out of the future Queen James. But y'know what? As far as shin tattoos go, I kinda like it! This was found on Savannah's Faceblork page by the way and I'm not making that up.

Classy lady! 

And how 'bout those lines in LBJ's head?! I know everybody hates LeBron these days, but I really really like him. Below is a very dramatic / boring video of him jumping off a platform into a swimming pool in Barcelona. 

Just playing the fiddle with my good pal CP3 on the mic! 

Forget about Savannah and her ring, how 'bout the dude in the upper left-hand corner of the shot? (Who also happens to be going sans-undershirt.) "What's going on down there? Is that a camera? What's that, one of those cameras?" 

HOW MANY WOMEN DO THESE GUYS NEED? Just the three for Chris Bosh, that's all. Unless that white lady with the terrible dress belongs to D-Wade, but I can't imagine that's possible. Chris Bosh is also the only asshole in Miami who apparently wears an undershirt.  

And now for the Thigh Tattoo Queen of Philadelphia!

And now for someone completely different!

For the record, I actually love wearing undershirts (v-necks). THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING, ISN'T IT?!?! Check out this squirrel!

Wednesday's Wifey: Keith Van Horn

Don't let the Adam's Ap fool you.

Obviously this week's Wednesday Wifey should be either Vanessa Bryant or Carla Dibello, Kobe's alleged mistress, but this blog has biases when it comes to KB24.

So sticking with the basketball theme -- and in honor of the upcoming seez -- let's take a look at another woman who made the rounds in the NBA, Keith Van Horn.

This picture pretty much sums up Keith's entire NBA career. Look at Carmelo, he seems baffled by how violent Camby's block was. During Van Horn's playing days, her opponents refused to take it easy on her, sometimes resenting the fact that she attempted to infiltrate an all-male sport.

Here's a young Keith Van Horn during her playing days at Utah. "I chose the Caesar Salad Bowl hairstyle to fit in," claimed Van Horn in a 1998 interview with Redbook. "It didn't work. Everyone still hated me."

Van Horn struggled playing against bigger, stronger men. Here she is attempting to execute a maneuver taught to her by Shawn Bradley -- splitting two defenders, shrieking and crumbling to the floor.

Other college athletes refused to stand next to KVH during a photo shoot for the preseason all-american team. "I just feel like, ugh, why is everyone being so weird?" Keith would later tell her therapist. "Sometimes I just wanna curl up with a bottle of red wine and watch My So Called Life. Oh my God, it's freezing in here. It's not funny, I have poor circulation."

Van Horn and her therapist, Dr. James Naismith.

"It wasn't so much having to play against stronger, tougher opponents, she never really understood the rules," said Nets coach Byron Scott, referring to Keith often signaling touchdowns throughout the run of play.

"She's not good at basketball," said MJ after Van Horn went 2-27 during a midseason matchup against the Bulls, including getting her shot blocked an NBA record 25 times. "She needs to develop a pull-up jumper. And around 417 other moves." 

Van Horn got along well with teammates despite absolutely sucking at basketball. "She was funny," said Dirk Nowitzki. "She had this one recurring joke where after we lost, she would pretend to cry in the locker room -- like weeping -- and she was always asking if anyone wanted to go shopping on our off-days. Hilarious." 

Keith's abysmal display on the court still allowed her to get plenty of endorsements -- like this video game that no one ever bought or played.

"Reading Pride and Prejudice really helped Keith during those dark years while playing in Philly," said Rachel Glabstone, a member of Van Horn's book club. "I still hated her guts though." 

"Dude, I was doing this really cool muscle-flexing thing for a photo shoot for Slam magazine, and Keith kept insisting on massaging me," said future murderer Jayson Williams. "He was really tense," Van Horn would later explain. 

Poor Keith Van Horne. 

A new web-series loosely based on Van Horn's life. 

GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO UPDATE: Well, I finally got to a part where something happened, and lemme tell you, something happened. Wowzers. Tonight I'm taking a train up to NYC to see Stephen Merchant do stand-up, so I might be able to bang out some pages. My wife is getting very nervous that I'm not gonna finish by Christmas. I still have to read like 400 pages. That's so many pages.

The Morning Scone: Smooch 'em If Ya Got 'em!

Check out Czech hoops player Jan Veselý try out for next season's Bachelor after getting picked by the Washington Wizards at last night's NBA draft. 


Quantity over quality!

Wednesday's Wifey: Miss Universe 2006: Zuleyka Rivera. Yep, Zuleyka.

Panorama-lamma-ding-dong

This week's Wednesday Wifey is Zuleyka Rivera, Miss Universe 2006, and current girlfriend of Mavs midget Puerto Rican point guard, José Juan Barea.

Absolutely no idea what's going on here.

Just because a shrimp can put a ball through a hoop, he can date a Miss Universe. Amazing. Well, also because he makes millions of dollars. And Puerto Ricans make love like dolphins. But still, José must be so thankful.

When I was 16, I got to jam my tongue down a chick's throat simply because I played basketball. And I made $6 an hour at Kinko's. And I make love like a walrus. But still, I am SO thankful.

And for the record, walruses are VERY sensual.

How 'bout a little Kenny G for that ass?

NBA Playoffs: Thanks Joel Anthony

This is no way to shoot a free throw.

With 16 seconds left in the 4th quarter and my hometown Sixers down 2 points, the Miami Heat's Joel Anthony stepped to the line and sunk two free throws to ice the game and end the Sixers season. After the second shot went down, my wife turned to me and said:

"I'm happy for Joel. Because he's not as good as the other guys and that's nice for him. Don't you think Evvy?"

Yes Darrie. That's nice for him.

And Evan Turner can suck my crank. 

The only thing flatter than that brim is Evan's jumper ... OH!

NBA All Star Weekend: So Apparently Kias Come With a Sunroof

Um, there's a car on a basketball court.

Do you ever have those moments in life where you realize that you have no idea what the hell is going on in the world? Like when you go to the mall and see black dudes wearing skinny jeans? Or when you go to buy a Peppermint Patty and it costs more than a dollar? Or when you actually attempt to communicate with a teenager?

Well, NBA All Star Weekend has officially become one of those "what the hell is going on?" events, because I'm pretty sure that I saw Blake Griffin dunk a basketball by JUMPING OVER A CAR! I also saw Justin Bieber hanging out with Jalen Rose, Kanye West in really tight, red leather pants and a human being BRING A CAR INTO AN ARENA AND JUMP OVER IT to dunk a basketball!  How does someone even practice this dunk?!?!

Blake:  Hey Charlie, can you bring your car in here? I wanna try something.

Charlie the Maintenence Man:  Uhh, sure, just bring my car around the front?

Blake:  No, bring your car in here, to the court.

Charlie:  What?

Blake:  You have a Kia, right? Just bring it in here. Park it right in front of the rim, in the paint.

Charlie:  Uhhh, Blake, this is a basketball gym.

Blake:  Yeah, I know. I'm gonna dunk a basketball while jumping over a car.

Charlie:  (Not talking, just staring at Blake, no idea what he's talking about.)

Blake:  Actually, does your car have a sunroof? Cause I've got another idea. Is Baron Davis still around, or did he leave?

Charlie:  Blake, I had trouble bringing in the ball rack this morning, did you see me? I banged it into the doorway and spilled the balls everywhere. Everybody yelled at me. How am I supposed to fit a car in here?

Blake:  I'm really hungry. I could go for a sandwich.

I guess I liked Blake's car dunk. It was cool and all, I mean, Blake Griffin did jump over a car. And it was really cute when Baron Davis popped his little head out of the sunroof and revealed himself, but I guess I'm just more of a traditionalist and prefer when people dunk basketballs by jumping really high and dunking really hard. Like Shawn Kemp, he would just jump really high, and dunk really hard and that would cause both me and Dikembe Mutombo to completely freak out because Shawn Kemp jumped REALLY HIGH and dunked REALLY HARD. And Dikembe was from The Congo where people LIVE IN HUTS.

No Dikembe, in America we clap our hands to show approval. We don't raise them. Except when we get arrested or listen to The Black Eyed Peas.

The Slam Dunk Contest also featured an African guy dunking while eating a stuffed animal and another guy dunking two basketballs on two different baskets. Also, there was another guy who just tried to dunk basketballs by just dunking basketballs, but he was bounced in the first round. Let's break it down.

Serge Ibaka - This aforementioned African decided it would be a good idea to have a little Asian child come onto the court prior to his second dunk and pretend to have lost his toy. The camera then panned to the hoop which had a small stuffed animal attached to the front of the rim and Ibaka assured the child he would retrieve his "toy." He then leaped into the air and snatched the toy with his mouth and bricked the dunk.

It was okay. I appreciated the creativity and the fact that Ibaka totally snatched the toy with his mouth, but it really bothered me that the commentators kept calling it a "toy." It was a stuffed animal. Like when I was a kid and my mother and older brother always referred to my WWF figurines as my "dolls." They were wrestling figures, not dolls. I wasn't playing with my dolls, I was playing with my wrestling figures! And yes, I also had the wrestling ring and would provide live commentary and would take a red marker and draw blood all over their faces, especially Big John Studd because he was an ASSHOLE. Anyway, I'm not hating on Serge Ibaka, I fully support his stuffed animal dunk (even though it took him two tries to execute).

That is a stuffed animal in his mouth. That he bit with his mouth. That was attached to the rim. During a dunk contest. On Planet Earth.

Nine year old Evster would've gone BONKERS for these figures!

Jevale McGee - McGee's two-ball / two-basket dunk would've been outrageous had it not taken him 37 tries to get it done. Bricked dunks totally deflate the contest (which we already knew after The Birdman and Nate Robinson blew dunk after dunk in previous years), but the judges are apparently perfectly fine with paying more than a buck for Peppermint Patties and were easily influenced by this year's gimmicks.

He missed this dunk. And like, twelve others.

DeMar DeRozan was the only guy who actually just dunked basketballs through a rim (and did so quite well!), although his gimmick of having a lady hold up a sign revealing the names of his dunks was really lame. At LEAST put her in a bikini, DeMar!

Look at BD popping out of that sunroof!  Cutest alley-oop ever.

Blake Griffin was a boss, though. Despite his last gimmick and overall mediocre performance, his 360 two-handed mega-miss on his first dunk was so bonkers that I totally don't fault the other guys for bringing in props and Chinese kids. I really hope next year Blake is challenged by LeBron, Dwight Howard and some sort of robot that dunks with it's feet. 

Jeff Hornacek is rolling over in his grave.

The Three Point Shootout has become the best event of All Star Saturday night, but was tainted this year because for the first time in the contest's history, NO WHITE PEOPLE were involved. This makes no sense to me. Even as a white person who hates white people and doesn't even respect outside shooters that much (I much prefer guys who go to the rack), I always like seeing white guys drain jumpers. In the previous twenty-three contests, THIRTEEN of the winners have been whities. (Whereas in twenty-six dunk contests there has only been one whitey winner, Brent Barry, whose wife recently cheated on him with Tony Parker, a black dude who has never made a three-pointer nor dunked a basketball, but has probably bedded THOUSANDS of women.) White people stroking threes is truly the only thing white people can be proud of these days. I guess you could make an argument that Regis Philbin is pretty cool, but as white people, we really don't have any positive male role models. Without a participant in this year's contest, quarterbacking and running the entire world for the last 30,000 years will have to suffice.

James E. Jones, not Jermaine, not J.J. Redick and not James Gumbel.

This year's shoot-out was won by Heat forward, James Jones, or as Rick Fox called him, "Jermaine Jones." I watched the contest with my wife and our friends, Law and Chicken, and Chickster kept calling him "James Earl Jones," a nickname that I can't believe I never thought of. James Earl is not a good basketball player, but can totally wap a three and based on the fact that the real James Earl Jones is sort-of Gumbel-esque, I think we can safely ingratiate James Jones as an honorary white dude. Also, James Earl was presented his Three-Point Shootout award by Foot Locker CEO, Dick Johnson (and I'm not kidding).

Earlier, Chickster told us that she had never had a B.L.T. before, which led Law and I to make B.L.T's, miss the WNBA shootout thing and question Chicken's upbringing. Later, she also revealed that Law's father always tells her that she looks exactly like Diana Taurasi, which Chickie finds very insulting. I assured her that I've always been VERY attracted to Taurasi and after Law pulled up these pictures of her on the web, Chickie felt a little better about being compared to a six-foot, steroid enhanced, professional women's basketball player who may or may not be a lesbian.

Bowling, anyone?

Nice paper-weight.

The T-Mobile Magenta Carpet Pre-game Show, or as it should here-on be known as,"The Absolute Shittiest Production in the History of Television" was co-hosted by Rick Fox and Maria Menounos aka The Absolute Shittiest Interviewer in magenta carpet history. Every one of her interviews started off with, "This is amazing, right?" and at one point while interviewing Amar'e Stoudemire, Maria asked him, "Is Carmelo Anthony here today?" Amare's response, "Uhhhh, yeah, he's playing for the West." Maria then giggled, showed off her perfectly shaved armpits and sent it back to the guys in the booth. F**K YOU MARIA!

My wife also pointed out that Cheryl and Reggie Miller are NEVER in the same place together, which led to her theory that they're the same person. Think about it, Cheryl came first, dominated women's college basketball and then morphed herself into Reggie and became a prolific three point assassin, unable to create his/her own shot. Plus, they look and act exactly alike and arguing with my wife is POINTLESS.

The All Star Game itself was great. Kobe went bonkers and LeBronski almost stole the MVP with a late game explosion. However, highlights for me included Dwight Howard referring to himself as "Chocolate Shoulders" and Rhianna's halftime performance where she once again proved that her lady-parts are VERY dangerous.

Bieber back to the ole "schwee-schwoop" hairstyle.

I also liked that the entire East starting five threw baby powder into the air with LeBron before the game. I am a HUGE advocate of using baby powder and seriously can't live without it. I rub it all over myself every morning and drive my wife INSANE because our entire changing room is covered in white powder. I'm not kidding, it's EVERYWHERE. But I can't not use it, it totally prevents chubb-rub and nothing else works!

Although, maybe skinny jeans are where it's at? They're certainly working for Bieber as he took home the MVP of the Celebrity Game on Friday night, thanks to his rapid fan base dominating the text messaging voting.

I honestly have no idea what's going on in this world, but I do know that I have to end this post now, because I'm not quite sure how my life has brought me to the point of considering to wear skinny jeans in order to prevent chubb rub and be more like Justin Beebs.

Plus, I need to go food shopping to prepare for our Bachelor viewing party tonight.

HOMETOWNS BABY!

Please kill me.

Little known fact: Rhianna is from the hometown of Bonkersville, Ohio.