The Morning Scone: My Friend Pat Does Some Secret Sniffing for Life & Style Weekly

College Wedding & Babies - what does that even mean?! 

So after my friend Pat sniffed out Bachelorette Ashley the other day at Dunkin Dones, I received this email from a lady over at Life & Style Weekly:


Hi! Your blog is so fun! 

Luckily, I came across your post about a Bachelorette sighting in Philly in my research about Ashley's whereabouts for our coverage. 

I hope you don't mind my reaching out on behalf of the magazine, but were you ever able to get any additional details from your friend Pat? It would be great to chat! Let me know if you're able to weigh in. 

Thanks! 

Of course, Pat gave VERY LAME details about his sighting - he didn't even know what she ordered! - so TVMWW was not able to be compensated for our detective work. The nice representative from Life and Style did however recommend a great brunch spot in South Philly. Pat also ate six hot dogs last week at Hot Dog Fest - one of which was a double dog. 

This is TVMWW's ace reporter?

The Morning Scone: Smooch 'em If Ya Got 'em!

Check out Czech hoops player Jan Veselý try out for next season's Bachelor after getting picked by the Washington Wizards at last night's NBA draft. 


Quantity over quality!

The Morning Scone: Clint Dempsey is a P.I.M.P.

Turn up the lights in here baby. Extra bright I want ya'll to see my tattoo!

Who's Climp Dempsteez?

For those of you who may not follow soccer football, and have not created yourself on Playstation's FIFA as an attacking midfielder for AC Milan (my name is Monnini), Clint Dempsey is arguably the best American footballer ever. Now clearly, I just lost half my female audience with that last sentence, so let me add a few sentences to bring the ladies back: Real Housewives of New Jersey is crazy! So You Think You Can Be America's Next Top Sister Wife is insane! My wife yells at me for using too much fabric softener!

Back to Clint Demps, who last night scored another key goal for the US National Team vs. Panama, further cementing his undeniable pimp status. This past weekend, after scoring versus Jamaica, Clint celebrated by doing the old "You can't see me," hand-wave move in front of his face while screaming, "You can't see me motherf*ckers! You can't see me!" Deuce (oh, that's what he calls himself by the way, "Deuce") also recorded a rap song a few years ago with some grimy Texas rap group for a Nike spot. The video for "Don't Tread" is below. Oh, and he was also raised in a trailer park. Swagballs!

Look, America has been starving for a positive role model who we could really look up to ever since Allen Iverson died, and Clint Demps might be that guy. He may also have banged around 4,000 Panamanian women last night.

I'm honestly so proud of him.

Check out Deuce's rap video and goal scoring celebrashe (en español!) below.

And for the record, Monnini is also a pimp who totally bangs Italian chicks LIKE A BOSS. 

The Morning Scone: Ashley Is Way Too Excited To See Bentley Next Week

I think that's just like a giant chair. I mean, that's not a love seat. That's a giant chair! I want a giant chair!

The Morning Scone is just a little something to nibble on every morning whenever I feel like posting. Stop back later for a full post on last night's ep of The Bachelorette.

I've never seen anyone quite as excited as Ashley was when they showed the preview for next week's reunion with Bentley. You could see the fear in her eyes, but she was also invigorated and ready. Very similar to the first time I went to Six Flags (I was 8) and the last time I went to Six Flags (31). I also pretty much feel that way any time I'm about to eat a Primo's hoagie.

And now Bentley's back, maybe because he wants to further promote his business, a Trampoline Arena in Utah. Yes, you read that correctly, a Trampoline Arena. An arena filled with trampolines. Now I loathe him as much as the next guy girl, but a Trampoline Arena?!?! BRILLIANT!

This guy may be a dicknose, but what an idea man!

I wanna learn more!

Look how freaking excited these kids are to jump on trampolines! Gary Green Shirt back there is totally freaking out. His fucking head is going to explode. And what is that hand-move that the kid in the grey is doing? That's like part Bruce Lee, part Lady Goggs. Even the other kids have no idea how many fingers they're supposed to hold up. They're going bonkers!

A little perusal on Bentley's website shows that for only $8, you can jump around on a trampoline like a lunatic. They also have trampoline dodge ball and trampoline aerobics (Airobics). I have no idea why they don't also have trampoline basketball or a trampoline fondue restaurant.

Check out Airborne Trampoline Arena here and come back later to TV Me Weef Wooches for a full post recapping last night's ep of The Bachelorette. In the meantime, I'm going to start planning a trip to Utah for me and the wife anyone who will go with me.

The Morning Scone: Celebrate the Last Day of Spring with Miss USA

Flashing the devil horns - very telling.

Congratulations this morning to Alyssa Campanella, the new Miss USA. Alyssa seems like a very peculiar beauty contestant - including as her passions: history and SPACE EXPLORATION. She also claims to be BEST FRIENDS with runner-up Miss Tennessee - totally normal, to be best friends with some lady from the other side of the country who you just met that week. Totally normal.

Congratulations also to the 27 viewers out there who finished watching Season One of The Killing. Last night, I almost put my fist through a wall (SPOILER ALERT) after the season ended WITHOUT divulging the killer. Instead, they threw a final wrinkle into the last scene where some guy mumbled something that my wife and I couldn't understand. The character who mumbled is a character who often mumbles, because apparently mumbling is a charming quality in a television character (see: Barbarino, Vinny).

I will be celebrating this last day of spring by watching The Bach tonight, but you should kick the day off by watching Hooray For Funn's, "Last Day of Spring", my favorite video that we ever made. Watch here.

You can still find 'em.

Great week of TV watching coming up: Wimbledon (all week), Ice Loves Coco (whenever I see that it's on), The NBA Draft (HOLY ISHT! Thursday) and True Blood aka a show that I think is so dumb / sort of entertaining and that my wife goes FRIGGIN BONKERS for! (Sundee)  

The Morning Scone: Mailbag Edish

How dope were floppy disks?

This morning, I'm cleaning out the ole TV Me Weef Wooches inbox, which was literally flooded with emails from loyal readers. No seriously, a couple readers were over last night and spilled water all over my computer. It's possibly ruined. Every time I hit the "Tab" key I get shocked. This is terrifying. But I'm not complaining, that's what my therapist is for!

All right, here we go.

If you could be a character/contestant on any of the shows you follow, which would it be? And, why? - Your loyal reader, Rod Roddy 

Wow Rod Roddy, way to start the mailbag off with the dumbest, most cliché, most boringest question ever. This is like a question from a child. Are you in third grade? Seriously, are you a third grader? The sad thing is, I actually know Rod Roddy! I play basketball with him on Tuesday nights - and when I saw Rod the other day, he immediately apologized for asking such a lame question. He was so embarrassed. And he should be! But hey, I'm still thankful that Roderick wrote in, so I might as well answer the question. 

It's a no-brainer ... WIPEOUT!

That show is insane! Bouncing giant balls, mud slingin', screaming ... sounds exactly like my pre-teen sex life. Oh whatever Ev, save it for your therapist!

Pretty sure I had a Penthouse circa 1987 with this exact same pose.

Dear tvmywifewatches.blogspot.com, How the heck are ya?  I am writing to you because I don’t understand how you watch all of this TV and don’t watch what I think is the most entertaining of all the programs out there … America’s Got Talent! Whether you are witnessing amazingness or someone who thinks they are amazing, the sh*t is off the hook! Funny, entertaining, attention-grabbing, never-been-seen-before acts, never want-to-see-it-again acts, etc. Best part of the bad people is they actually think they are good. They are dead serious. - Josh, Bala Cynwyd, PA

The seriousness of people on reality shows is what makes it both unbelievable and at times unwatchable. The Bachelorette, America's Next Top Lunatic, So You Think You Can Dance - probably the three most serious shows not including Nova. How serious is that show?!

I actually wrote a little bit about America's Got Talent in yesterday's Scone, and must admit, I kinda like So You Think You Can Dance more. Besides B-Boys doing headspins and interpretive dancers pretending to dance, when the contestants on SYTYCD learn that they've earned a ticket to Vegas, they freak out like people who actually watch Nova. It's really embarrassing. They jump and spin and twist and weep. It's like they're on Wipeout, except without the erotica. Although some of those dancers wear VERY short shorts.

Speaking of nova ... SO much better than scones ... no offense to scones!

Dancers and musical theater folk are a whole different type of crazy person than normal crazy people. I know this because my friend Loaves and I once wrote a play called The Worst Musical Never Made and had to hang out and work with actors and dancers. One guy kept pronouncing the word "nourishment," "nyour-ish-ment." "Nyouurishment." Dude, it's nourishment. Nurrishment. Nurrish. Mint. But quickly. Nurrishmint. Pronounce the word right. It's like a third grade word. It's your only line in this play. "Nyouurishmint ... Nyouuuurrrrishment." It was infuriating. 

Below is an excerpt from a review of the play from The Theater Mirror - New England's Live Theater Guide.

"In my opinion ... the "bit parts" shine while those carrying the plot cannot simply Be but are hampered by flimsy writing."

Flimsy writing?! Flimsy writing?!?! Thanks Theater Mirror!  

Speaking of flimsy writing, I can't tell you how many grammatical errors I had to clean up in that email above from Josh. My backspace button is literally smoking right now. Josh, are you a classmate of Rod Roddy's by any chance?

An actual photo from the play. Not even yoking.

How's this going? - Aubre, Philly

I think it's going pretty well! 

Although to be quite honest, I'm a little flabbergasted that NO ONE has emailed me or commented about those little Facebook, Twitter and RSS icons that I added on the upper-right-hand side of the blog. They're boids! And you can click on 'em to follow me! I was thinking about dedicating an entire post to those boids. And to the print feature that I've added to this here blog-blog. Hasn't anyone noticed?!?! I'm taking TV Me Weef Wooches to the next lev!

I grew up near Bala Cynwyd, and now live in Austin. When I first moved here for work I drove around Pflugerville because of its proximity to the office. It's nothing like Austin.  – Hope, Austin, TX 

Wow, such an ambiguous email from Hope. "The office?" What is this mysterious office that Hope works in? And where exactly did she grow up? If it was near Bala Cynwyd, does she also know Josh? And how big are her breasts?

I mean, that's a short skirt.

Does anyone still watch the Bachelorette? I can't bring myself to be put through this go-round. Snoozefest with a door prize at the end. Also can you explain why they chose her? Thanks. - Concerned in Philadelphia

You are living a lie, Concerned in Illadelph. You know you're into it! You email me pretty much every day to discuss the show or to try and convince me to eat tacos in seedy neighborhoods. 

ABC chose Ashley because they knew she'd be serious, they knew she'd be all into it, they knew she was insecure, they knew she was vulnerable, they knew she had an ass that thinks it can dance, and they knew she'd wear really short shorts that caused men to spill water all over their laptops.

So stop complaining and enjoy the ride!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a therapist to see ... an appointment with the Geek Squad ... to masturbate!

You trying to get involved in this here email game? Send in your thoughts, questions and mud-covered pictures to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com.

 

The Morning Scone: America's Got Talent at Making Bizarre Websites

This little girl can perfectly fold a J Crew sweater without using her teeth.

This guy Josh that I work with is always nagging me to watch America's Got Talent. Every Thursday he's like, "Did you watch, did you watch? Did you see the lady dive 50 feet into a bowl of soup? Did you see the guy who ate a whole truck? Did you finish that project you've been working on for the last three weeks? It was due yesterday. Seriously, where is it? Have you been blogging at work again? You have, haven't you? I can have you fired you know."

Well not only did I not watch America's Got To Thinking They Can Dance last night, but I actually spent some time on this website, quite possibly the strangest thing I've seen on the Internet since Anthony Weiner's scrote. It's safe for work, but is probably best viewed at home - or on a co-worker's computer who you don't really care about.

Or, if you're more like Josh and don't eat carbs, zip ahead to the 1:55 mark of this video below to see a fantastic impression of Kathy Griffin. 

The Morning Scone: Coco, Bruce Jenner and Lords of the Underground

Now there's a scone you could nibble on ... FOR DECADES!

Finally got around to watching Ice Loves Coco yesterday and I must say, that show is aptly named! He really does love that donk. And she seems to really love him too. Seems as if they have the best relationship on reality TV (yes, better than Khloe and Lamar Freaking Odom who I still can't believe is on a reality show!). That doesn't stop the fact that I would pay top dollar for a chance to play a round of Yahtzee on Coco's ass.

Also caught a little of the Keeping Up With the Kardashian's season premiere - that Bruce Jenner, that poor Bruce Jenner - he needs more face time on TV Me Weef Wooches. And Kim and her mom sure do hustle a lot. Those ladies work hard for their money! Personally, I think Kim should open a car wash called Kim Karwashian's.

The Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 is tonight, but I just can't take the Vancouver Canucks seriously without black, orange and yellow in their uniforms. Back in the day, the Canucks were 'bout it 'bout it in NHL '93 on Sega Genesis. They were unstoppable with Trevor Linden and Cliff Ronning, who my friend the Heis Dad nicknamed "The Chief Rocka." I have no idea why that nickname was both perfect and hilarious.

All right Lords of the Underground, take us out.




And the great Roc Raida, R.I.P.

The Morning Scone: Houston, We Have Some Frenching!

So humid in Thailand ... check out those leg hairs.

After three weeks of pecking and nuzzling, Ashley the Bachelorette finally jammed her tongue into a dude's mouth. JP was the lucky recipient, who had unsuccessfully tried an open-mouth kiss last week and failed. Pretty much every other guy has tried a jam-job as well, only to have their efforts thwarted but Ashley's insistence on keeping her lips locked. But now that Ashley has broken the ice, I expect her to French pretty much anybody and everybody, including Chris Harrison and that Thai rug salesman.

A proper blog post to come later today, possibly tonight, possibly six weeks from now.

So there's the debut of The Morning Scone! Also, there's no way that I post every morning.