Kim Kardash and Kris Humf - Not Sure Who I'm Supposed to Feel Sorry For Here

Is Kim milking his left ring finger?

Today marks the beginning of National Raisin Bread Month -- a 30-day celebration full of raisins, bread, sex, toasters, butter and other raisins.

But this November will be a somber time for Kris Humphries, who will now be eating his raisin bread without Kim Kardashian. (It will also be a somber time for thousands of other lonelier, uglier people ... and also for people who are allergic to raisins (and bread). And it'll be especially rough for people who don't have feet. That's just sad. In fact, let's take some time out of our busy days to sympathize with people who don't have feet. Okay, now let's get back to Humfy.)

Every morning, Kris will sit at the breakfast table and look over at an empty chair that used to be occupied by the softest, roundest butt. Then again, Humf is an NBA ballplayer (and yeah, he's a really mediocre NBA ballplayer, but he's still an NBA ballplayer) and will probably have many other butts to stare at on cold Autumn mornings. In fact, he's probably staring at a butt right now. And he's probably gonna stare at a different girl's butt tomorrow. I've got a friend who was dating a really hot Colombian chick, but then she broke up with him and he didn't see another butt for almost five years.

These women have hands like frying pans!

I guess if you wanna knock getting to see a different butt every morning, married dudes could argue that there's something great about being able to see a butt whenever you want. 'Cause I can literally see a bare butt whenever I want. When you're married, you can walk up to your wife AT ANY TIME and just pull her pants down and look at her butt. It's a law -- it's written in ketubahs -- if I were to walk up to my wife right now and pull her pants down, she'd be like, "Uhh, what are you doing?" ... and I'd say, "Looking at your butt." ... and she'd say, "Oh." ... and then go back to reading TheSuperficial.com. Humfdog probably can't do that anymore.

But eating breakfast by yourself isn't so bad either. On Sundee mornings -- while my wife sleeps in -- I like to get up early, watch Italian soccer, make an omelette and literally masturbate wherever I want to. I can do that, because I'm alone (and I always wake up with a boner that's harder than Chinese arithmetic). On the couch? Sure. Dining room table? Absolutely. If I wanted to, I could even masturbate in the kitchen sink -- and I don't mean into the sink, I mean in the sink -- with my butt in the basin and my legs dangling over the edge. Now I don't want to do this -- especially because our sink is currently filled with dirty dishes -- but I could, and that's the point ... and so can Humfrey Boges.

I'm just saying ... dude had 100 yards rushing this week ... also, THIS PICTURE IS INSANE.

I guess the real loser here is Kim-bo, who now will not only be eating breakfast alone, but will have to do so on the china that she was given as a wedding present. Kim Jong is now a thirtysomething divorcée who has been tossed from rapper to football player to football player to a mediocre basketball player -- SO mediocre that he hasn't even been asked to play in any of these charity lockout games -- and now back to square one. Her sisters are all in relationships and even HER MOTHER has found a man. Kimberly is back to eating for one (unless your count her butt ... then she's eating for around seven).

It's hard to feel sorry for a woman who has beauty and fame and fortune and probably eats her raisin bread with fresh butter that comes straight from a cow's teet ... but I do! Because the only thing women really want in this world is someone to share their raisin bread with (and also someone to enjoy looking at their butt). Because as good as raisin bread is, there's nothing quite like looking at someone's butt and saying, "Damn butt, how freaking good is raisin bread?"



Big ups to Dr. @Shaenasaurus for letting me know it was National Raisin Bread Month. Follow the doctor on Twitter. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out this picture of 10 yr old Steve Nash in his soccer uniform.

The Power's Out - The Bats are Back - And I have a Fantasy Football Draft to Prepare For

Kinda hard to watch TV with Irene and Señor Bat around.  

Please excuse the lack of recent posts. I've been running around the house with a flashlight in my mouth trying to catch a bat with a butterfly net.

Last night, I actually got me a bat.

However, I currently have zero fantasy football mags. That might be the bigger problem.

In TVMWW's absence - and in honor of the MTV Video Music Awards that I secretly watched at my friend Law's house and still have no idea what Kreayshawn is - please enjoy the most erotic music video ever made.





Find Bat Battle Part Uno here. 
And read Bat Update aka Bapdate heeeeere. 

Wednesday's Wifey: Kim Kardashian - The World's Hottest Chick Who's Not Actually That Hot, But Is Still Hot, But Not As Hot As She Should Be

This is honestly just a picture of Kim Kardash eating an ice cream cone. 

Kim Kardashian should be the "world's hottest chick". She's beautiful, Armenian, and has more curves than a meatball hoagie. But Kim Kardashian is not the hottest chick on the planet (she's around 4th), because something is missing from Kim Kardash. And that something is nothing. Nothing is missing. We know everything. So what's missing is something, but it's nothing, because she shows us everything. I swear this made sense when I was jotting down my notes.

Thanks to her TV shows, Twitter feed and the world's most boring sex tape, we know EVERYTHING there is to know about Kim Kardash. We know about her upbringing, her parents, that she works out a lot, she gets cranky, she writes "lol" and "xoxo", she gets snippy with her mother (understandable), her sisters gang up on her 'cause they're not as pretty as her (also understandable), but they'll never admit to this, and Kim secretly thinks it, and it's totally true, IT'S TOTALLY TRUE, but still Kim feels insecure that her sisters don't like her, so she namedrops and gets her eyebrows done and wears Zumba pants and eats more salad than any cow in any Armenian village.

There is no mysteriousness to her game. She has thrown it all out there - for better or for worse - and it just keeps getting worse. She's kinda boring - and she's kind of annoying - and her sex tape with Ray J was a total snoozefest - and yeah, she's really hard working and yeah she seems like a nice enough person and yeah I really wanna like her - but now she's got psoriasis and you just can't be the "world's hottest chick" with psoriasis and that sex tape was REALLY boring.

And then also now she's got psoriasis.

Bottom line: this is NOT what I want in the fourth hottest chick on the planet.

Once again, just a lady eating a strawberry. Seriously. 

When I was about 7, the "world's hottest chick" in my mind was Pia Zadora, thanks to a poster that hung in my bedroom with Pia bent over a red Ferrari. I knew nothing about Pia other than she really needed that car to be buffed, and she was NOT about to walk over to the other side to do so. I don't even know if it was Pia's car - coulda been a friend's - I just knew that she was a super hot chick with a really clean car that apparently was not clean enough.

If Pia had a Twitter feed, I probably would've found out that she was an obsessive compulsive cleaner with magazines placed on her coffee table at acute angles so that everyone could see the top left hand corner of each one. I also probably would've been disgusted when she responded to tweets from her friends @KathieLeeGifford and @MarioLopez. But she didn't. She just had a shammy and a bikini and the world's most photogenic assbutt.

Pia, it's getting dark, you should probably remove that bikini from your assbutt and come on in. Also, Diff'rent Strokes starts in like, 20 minutes. 

In the world of hot chicks, less is more. The less we know about you, the hotter you are. The less clothes that cover up your assbutt, the hotter your assbutt is. So looking back at the hottest ladies of my formative years, what did 7 year-old Evster really know?

Christie Brinkley: she had a thing for goofy dudes like Clark Griswold and also drove a Ferrari. Note to 7 year-old Evster: get a friggin Ferrari. Note to readers: I drive a 1999 Nissan Altima that has a leak in the roof and smells like mildew. Also, the cup holder has around 7 cents that are permanently lodged in some gook there. I actually don't even really drive it anymore, I normally take my wife's car. She's not happy about this. There's also so many socks in the trunk.

Elle McPherson: tall and Australian, probably a fairly decent volleyball partner.

Macho Man's girl Miss Elizabeth: not sure if she could speak.

Chicks from Penthouse magazines that I found under my cousin's bed: well, they loved to keep their socks on while getting rim jobs, I knew that. Maybe they had poor circulation? Possibly smokers?

I didn't know much, BUT THESE CHICKS WERE HOT.

Sambas.

The woman that changed the game was Pam Anderson - who let us into her world with the Tommy Lee sex tape. She was the first "world's hottest chick" who we truly got to "know" in the biblical sense. When the tape came out, we learned of Pam's love of sailing, her love of getting railed, but also her love of baby talking to Tommy Lee. Ugh, downright disgusting. Also, Tommy Lee (or even Tommy Chong) would slug me right in the tits if they knew how much I baby talked with my wife.

Later, as Pam became a bigger and bigger star, we were dragged into her PETA nonsense and relationship with Kid Rock. Suddenly she went from super-ridiculously-hot-slutty-lady to annoying-whatever-seriously that's the dumbest barbed wire tattoo ever you should totally date Brian Urlacher-lady. Similar to Pam in their downfalls were Kathy Ireland (Necessary Roughness), Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Lunatic) and every chick who ever pledged a Jewish sorority at the University of Maryland.

The only woman who was ever able to buck this trend was Jessica Simps, who went from country-cute-girl-next-door to duncey-reality-idiot back to slutty-sex-kitten all simply because John Mayer called her "sexual napalm." Now, to this day, no one knows what the hell John Mayer was talking about (or is ever talking about), but most of us took that to mean she was explosive between the sheets (in a good way), although Mayer could've been saying she was disgusting and suffocating (but I'm gonna believe what I wanna believe). Regardless, I'm DYING for her to take up sailing.

Holy f**king guacamole!

So now Kim Kardash is married and will probably get preggers and make PB&J sandwiches and drive her kids to soccer practice and "wow! they're just like us!" and she'll get loads of psoriasis ointment and will probably endorse some ointment and her kid will get psoriasis and Kris Humphries will get traded to Milwaukee and this is all so depressing because she really could've been the "world's hottest chick" and the Bucks franchise is a total joke which is such an insult to Sidney Moncrief and Paul Pressey.

As far as Pia Zadora, I have no idea what she's up to now, but I really hope she's sailing the seven seas ... preparing for her role in the upcoming National Lampoon's Cruise Vacation. Either that or endorsing a different kind of ointment.





I live tweeted eating a cheeseburger last night. Absolutely riveting stuff. Follow TVMWW here.
Or just check out this dog standing on some cheeseburgers.

Reader Mailbag - Bachelor Pad, The World's Worst People and High School Chicks

Apparently George The Animal Steele couldn't get an invite?

After posting last week about True Butt, I decided to make a concerted effort to cut down on butt jokes, dick jokes, titty-talk, etc. I’m not sure what the goal of this blog is – I guess it’s to get paid – but I can’t imagine anyone ever hiring me to write about clam-cocks. That being said, leaving out those jokes is REALLY HARD. Well, anyway, here are some emails from people who apparently are into that sort of thing.

Subject: worst show in the world

We've talked about how I soak myself in antiseptic after being made to watch the Kardashians, and how I have to leave the room when Sex and The City is on, but I've recently come home from work during lunch and been subject to a show that made me so mad I couldn't even eat. These goddamn doctors on Grey's Anatomy are making googly eyes at each other in the middle of a fucking spleen surgery. Do your fucking job, doctor!

- Nate, Boston

Thank God my wife doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, ‘cause that would drive me crazy – and when I say crazy, I mean crazy-horny. Seriously, is there anything hotter than a lady with a stethoscope? I’ve never seen the show – and I imagine it’s terrible – but my mother has a story that she likes to tell about inappropriate doctor stuff.

Around twenty years ago, my father was in the hospital for some routine surgery, and after he got zonked out on anesthesia, a nurse came in to check on him and was blown away when she saw the size of his balls. (For the record, my father has enormo-balls). So the nurse excuses herself, and returns minutes later with three other nurses, lifts up my dad’s sheet, and they all giggle like crazy. My mom claims she saw the whole thing and quite frankly, I think she’s actually proud to tell the story, like, “Hey, look at me, I married a dude with ox-balls.”

My wife (unclear how she feels about my scrote) actually watches 90210 when I’m not around, and it’s so frustrating to return home to. First of all, THAT SHOW SUCKS, and secondly, white people claim to watch it because “it’s hilarious!” and “Andrea is a slut!” but they’re lying - they actually like it! My wife gets legitimately angry with me when I make fun of the plotlines, to the point where she’s like, “Would you stop moaning and groaning and calling Andrea “Andrew”?! I don’t make fun of your shows! I don’t complain when Kevin Prince Boateng is friggin’ rolling around on the ground, pretending to be hurt in some soccer match. If you don’t wanna watch this show, then go upstairs and play with your balls that PALE in comparison to your father’s by the by!”

By the by, Kim Kardash is getting married this weekend to a guy whose career scoring average is 5.6 ppg.

If that's not the look of a guy who just jizzed in his pants, then my name's not Stan Furbletales.

Subject: TVMWW Reader Emails

There's going to be 17, high school aged girls on the stage in bathing suits and slutty dresses tomorrow night. Excited?

- Aubre, Illadelph

Aubre is referring to the 2011 Miss Ocean City Pageant that I attended last week (and where my wife was a judge) and let me just say IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Of the seventeen contestants, I’d say 85% of them could beat me in an arm-wrestling match - and not just because I have baloney arms - these ladies were jacked! I feel a little baaaad ripping on high-school girls, so I’ll try not to, but seriously, a couple of them had shoulders like goddamn mules!

One girl (who was possibly from Nebraska) sang the saddest song during the talent competition - Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” – and you could totally feel her pain. It was as if she was singing it to some surfer dude who probably copied her biology homework and ended up hooking up with her best friend. It was so sweet and so sad and so powerful and so melancholy and gave me the absolute biggest erection.

Subject: The Daughter From Real Housewives of NJ

Worst person on television? Or worst person in the world?

King Hippo slut pic?

- Dave, Boston

The socks and sandals is an interesting touch.

Wow, that’s certainly a dude wearing a King Hippo outfit.

You know, ever since I compared Ashley to The Fuhrer earlier this week, I’ve felt a little baaad. Not as baaad as I feel about comparing those pageant girls to livestock, but baaad. And I’ve been thinking, is she reallllly the worst person in the world? Let’s see how she stacks up next to the other worst people on the planet.  

Shawn Bradley - Most embarrassing basketball player ever. I mean, what is even going on in this picture? I hate white people.

Bentley - Is that a Mighty-Mac jacket? What the hell is wrong with Utah?

Chris Wheeler - Phillies broadcaster. Hasn't shut up since 19 ought 6.

Joe Giudice - Sort of shocked he's not wearing all-white sneakers in this picture. May be unfair to include him in this list considering he's probably having loads of trouble adjusting to life following the Mesozoic Era.

Ronnie and Sammi - No mas! 

Nick DiPaolo - Total doucher. Cool denim shirt though.

Andrea - Not pictured: his enormous dong.  

Eh, I think Ashley still takes the crown.  

Subject: The Gratterolis

Dear Guy who watches TV with his wife,

As much as I enjoyed all your posts on The Bachelorette, I take issue with your description of the Gratterolis. I’m pretty sure they're not worried about anyone stealing a rake...they keep their door locked to keep your dad from wandering over, naked, at 2 in the afternoon. Just a hunch.

Sincerely,

- Nicole Frattaroli (your next door neighbor growing up), not to be confused with Nicole Gratteroli

Nicole, those were just yokes! I was yoking! Your mother has always been very kind to me, especially when I got locked out of my house, which was VERY often. I also apologize for my father and his nudity, but can you really blame him? He’s got dumps like a truck truck truck, balls like what what what, all night longgggggggggg … let Nicole see my dad’s thonggggggggggggggg!!

Subject: Out of Boredom

Hello TVMWW,

I have no idea what you are looking for in reader emails so let's just start out on a positive note:

Potentially shops at Lush?

I believe immediately before this picture was taken he was waxing his chest and riding a unicorn.

Also, I have attached a picture my sister took yesterday at the Milwaukee Zoo. I felt it was important to share with you. I also thought it was important to include my boyfriend’s lame comment on the matter, which was "those Rhinos look horny."

Game of Frones?

What about writing about Bachelor Pad so I have something to do on Tuesday and Wednesday (Tuesday for compulsively checking and Wednesday for actual reading). And tell your other friend to be quiet about the "posts being too long". Her job is clearly too stimulating and the rest of us shouldn't have to be punished. I'd have to imagine with the rich content on that show the posts would practically write themselves.

Lastly, I would like to request a review of a product or something women like outside of TV. Because your opinion is funny.

Sincerely,


- KG, NYC

Geez, I kinda wish this email was written from the real KG, not some lady from New York. Imagine that email?

Yo Ev, my wife is tripping, yo. She’s dying to get on that show Basketball Wives, but I can’t let that happen mayn. You seen them ladies?! Ochocinco’s jawn is insane! And Eric Williams? I can’t be forced to go on a double date with that dude – who could eat around him? Help a brother out, yo! Also, can you believe we black people really write like this on email? Lol! :)

Geez, how racist was that email?!?! You think Kevin Garnett really writes emails like that? Actually, have you ever noticed how black people are all about lol’ing? Seriously, follow some black person on FB or Twitter, you’ll see more lol’s than at a Miss Ocean City Pageant. It’s so embarrassing!

That's a good one Becks, that's a good one. I know, my Jewish agent is ALWAYS kvetching!

Back to the other KG’s questions.

I’ve been trying to NOT watch Bach Pad (just needed a little Bach break!), but am recognizing that I totally have to. I mean, just the fact that the guard and protect your heart guy is on it is reason enough … AND he’s in love with Vienna … AND Jake is involved in their love triangle … AND Vienna has a terrible horrible, no good, very bad haircut.

For the life of me, I don’t know why Gia is on this show. Hasn’t she had enough of this shit? Every time I put it on, she’s sobbing about something – and I know, I know, it’s really hard to go through this world with a speech impediment – but c’mon lady, you don’t need to do this! Also, the guard and protect your heart guy is deaf, right? That’s why he talks like that? And did you ever notice that when someone else is speaking to him, he always responds way off topic.

Jake:  Hey man, I just want you to know that I’m really happy for you and Vienna.

Guard and Protect Guy:  Yeah, I fucking love Combos. Not really the cracker kind, but the pretzel and cheese jawns. Those are fantastic.  

That's a normal pose.

As far as lady products, (I did once write about Grogurt) I don’t understand why chicks love that store Lush so much. I swear, my wife has so many lotions and glosses, I haven’t felt or smelled her actual skin in months. (Anddddddd that’s your cue to barf all over yourself. I’m sorry.) Every time I kiss my wife good night, it tastes like lemons. What happened to the good ole days when women smelled like leather and I got boners without having to be smacked in the face? Anyway, what was the question?

Subject: Questions a go-go

Dear TVMWW,

I have a few questions for you:

1. What is your favorite TV show of all time and why? No, for realsies. All. Time.

2. If you could own any Bill Cosby sweater, which one would it be?

2a. How many Jell-O pudding pops can you consume in one sitting?

3. I mean, I know the Jersey Shore is the worst thing that has ever happened to Italian-Americans... but you're Jewish. Why aren't you writing more about Jersey Shore? The posts would practically write themselves. Actually, I guess that's why. That's racist!

4. I want live Tweets from TVMWW. Mainly because I don't watch more than half of these shows, so it would be a way for me to follow along LIVE, baby, LIVE!

5. What do you guys eat while you watch TV? Yes, I am looking for you to plug fwords (my food blog).

Ciao, Francesco Rinaldi!

- Fwords

Geez, that’s a lotta questions. I’m now starting to sort of regret this whole “Heyyy, send me your email questions! I’ll respond to them all” thing. But promises, promises, so here goes.

Favorite TV show is a no-brainer: Wipeout. Granted, I’ve only seen two episodes of it and I’m pretty sure I turned both of them off around half way, but people get absolutely blasted! It’s amazing!

Not really a fan of sweaters in general - they make you sweat too much! - but I appreciate how aptly named they are. I did always like that The Coz wore college sweatshirts though on his show. I also really liked that Kenny kid aka Buddddddd. My big brother says … In fact, to this day I call croutons “krau-tins” because that’s what Kenny said his big brother called ‘em.

Really Ev?!?! That’s so friggin’ interesting dude!

Amazing part in his hair! Pretty sure Cedric Ceballos had the exact same cut. 

Pudding pops? Do they still make those? My wife only lets me eat Skinny Cows anyway, which are surprisingly delicious and ridiculously expensive. Also, that’s a total lie - my wife lets me eat anything I want, I just like to paint an image of her as MEIN FUHRER. 

Jersey Shore? Yeah, yeah, I should probably write about that, but there are only so many hours in the day and my fantasy football team is NOT going to draft itself. I HAVE RESEARCH TO DO lady!

Live tweeting sounds good, I’m always looking for an excuse to tweet more – and I’m not allowed to eat in the living room because my wife is a crazy dictator and I once spilled wing sauce all over her favorite couch. Also, I’m not sure I ever told her that, so Butterscotch, if you’re reading, I’m really really sorry.

Subject: blog

I LOVE your blog, I actually found it while I was googling (that a word? no?) info on Ames. I laughed so hard I peed my pants reading all your posts about The Bachelorette. PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE WATCHING THE BACHELOR PAD!!! Anyway, keep up the good work!

- Jackie N, parts unknown

Wow. Probably the nicest email I’ve ever received. Jackie N, please know that I printed your email out and keep it atop my bedside table and read it whenever I’m feeling low. I also read it while jerking off and fantasizing about you in a doctor’s outfit.

Butterscotch, I’m yoking! I’m yoking! These are yokes!

Jackie N, thanks for reading?





TVMWW is so close to 1,000 Facebork followers! Like TVMWW here!
Orrrrrrrrr, look at these ladies riding a banana boat.

The Morning Scone: Coco, Bruce Jenner and Lords of the Underground

Now there's a scone you could nibble on ... FOR DECADES!

Finally got around to watching Ice Loves Coco yesterday and I must say, that show is aptly named! He really does love that donk. And she seems to really love him too. Seems as if they have the best relationship on reality TV (yes, better than Khloe and Lamar Freaking Odom who I still can't believe is on a reality show!). That doesn't stop the fact that I would pay top dollar for a chance to play a round of Yahtzee on Coco's ass.

Also caught a little of the Keeping Up With the Kardashian's season premiere - that Bruce Jenner, that poor Bruce Jenner - he needs more face time on TV Me Weef Wooches. And Kim and her mom sure do hustle a lot. Those ladies work hard for their money! Personally, I think Kim should open a car wash called Kim Karwashian's.

The Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 is tonight, but I just can't take the Vancouver Canucks seriously without black, orange and yellow in their uniforms. Back in the day, the Canucks were 'bout it 'bout it in NHL '93 on Sega Genesis. They were unstoppable with Trevor Linden and Cliff Ronning, who my friend the Heis Dad nicknamed "The Chief Rocka." I have no idea why that nickname was both perfect and hilarious.

All right Lords of the Underground, take us out.




And the great Roc Raida, R.I.P.

Wednesday's Wifey: Khloe Kardashian

Lamar Odom has never looked cooler, but is that a lion on his shirt? And lasers?

Poor Khloe Kardash. If it isn't sad enough that she's by far the least attractive Kardashian (including Rob), now on the one day where she gets to be TVMWW's Wednesday Wifey, her sister Kim steals her thunder by getting engaged to a white person.

Why are Khloe's sleeves so short?!?!

I gotta hand it to Khloe though, she's the only one of her sisters who seems to actually be in a successful relationship. (WITH MOTHERFREAKING LAMAR ODOM BY THE WAY!!! HOW IS HE NOT SO EMBARRASSED TO BE ON THAT TV SHOW?!?! AND THE CRAZIEST THING IS, THEY SEEM TO REALLY BE IN LOVE!!! AND I'M HAPPY FOR THEM!!)

Kim's fiancé is a mediocre ballplayer while Kourtney's fella, Scott Disick, is one of the all-time biggest douchebags ever.

As if the sweater move wasn't enough ... lavender!!!

For the record, here are some pictures of the other all-time biggest douchebags:

Bronson Arroyo

That's a cool facial expression. 

The Million Dollar Man, Ted Dibiase

This guy had a slave! ... Virgil!

Oh hell, can I just show more pictures of Bronson Arroyo? THIS GUY IS SERIOUS!!!

I'd say we're looking at around a 117 degree obtuse angle. 

The Million Dollar Man woulda choked this dude!

A deep sea of blankets.

Wednesday's Wifey everybody!!


Follow TVMWW on Facebook and Twitter. 
Or go buy a chocolate covered pretzel. How good are those?!?!

Mad Men: Joan Is Bonkers

Christina Hendricks is fast approaching level 9, off-the-charts bonkers status.

It has gotten to the point that anytime she walks onto the screen with her absolutely bonkers breasts, I find myself screaming at the television. Normally, I don't even actually form sentences, just awkward sounds as if she slugged me in the gut. I'm sort of starting to get angry at how hot she is.

Equally as frustrating is the lack of attention she's getting across the country for being so close to off-the-charts bonkers status! To this day, only three women in the history of western civilization have reached this level of off-the-charts bonkersnish. They are (in no particular order):

1. Elle McPherson
2. Kim Kardashian
3. Mariah Carey (circa 1997)

(We're talking about the Mariah who was recently separated from her husband, mentally unstable and wearing cut-off jean shorts in seemingly every public appearance. It was also at this time that I believe she killed a man by simply asking him to hold her flip flops.) 


While doing some research,* I found that Maxim Magazine did not even have Christina ranked in their 2010 list of the 100 hottest women! Even more ridiculous was the fact that since Mad Men debuted in 2007, Time Magazine has not named her Person of the Year once. In 2009, they gave it to some guy named Ben Bernanke while it 2008 it went to Barack Obama? This country needs to wake up and recognize.

At the very least, Big Red should be doing ads for Maybelline or Loreal or Triscuits. Are you telling me that you wouldn't buy 19 boxes of Triscuits if you saw an ad with Joan's red nail polish putting a piece of cheese on a cracker? I already have three boxes of Triscuits at my house and I don't even have a job.

The bottom line is that this woman and her bonkers butt are blowing peoples' minds. If we don't give Joan the attention that she deserves, she very well could end up dating Justin Beiber.

She sitting here, she supposed to be the franchise player and we in here talking bout Bieber!








*not really research

Six Girls, One Dress

Celebs and non love Herve Leger.

Wag Irina Shayk, Katie Cassidy, Kim Kardashian, Denise Richards, Amanda Bynes and Nadine Coyle are just some of the stars seen on the red carpet wearing Herve Leger fuchsia bandage cocktail dress.

List Price $235,00.

Cristiano Ronaldo: Cheating on Irina Shayk?

It seems like Cristiano Ronaldo gets bored with a girl after a month or two, so it’s no wonder he is rumored to be cheating on Irina "Panty" Shayk.

According to Perez Hilton.com, the soccer stud has been hooking up with reality TV star Kim Kardashian in Los Angeles.

The Portuguese ace and the woman with the biggest ass you've ever seen, hooked up in Spain back in April. Sources told gossip website that Kardashian and Ronaldo picked up where they left off on Tuesday night at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Cheaters are Repeaters!

(Kim & Irina are both wearing the same hot pink Herve Leger dress)

PEDO Alert: Kim Kardashian & Justin Bieber Seen In The Bahamas‎

Big booty Kim Kardashian (29) ex not confirmed of Cristiano Ronaldo and pop singer Justin Bieber(16) have been seen walking along the island paradise, swim and even play with the water splashing from the sea. Kardashian, then posted her own photo showing her running her hands through Bieber's famous locks. "My dream! I messed up Justin Bieber's hair!!!" she Tweeted. Real love or publicity ploy?

Top 10 Playboy Bunnies

Playboy magazine is a popular men's magazine created and run by Hugh Hefner. The magazine, along with its articles and interviews, features nude yet tasteful pictures of women. Most of the women featured in the magazine are models, but from time to time Hugh offers enough cash for a celebrity to let her guard down and bare it all. Here is the list of top ten celebrity bunnies:

10. Rachel Hunter

This New Zealand born beauty became a Sports Illustrated model in the late 1980's. She was reportedly paid close to $2 million to pose in Playboy in 2004 right after her appearance in Fountains of Wayne's 2003 video "Stacy's Mom" where she was shown in a hot bikini. Rachel's appearance in the music video obviously prompted Hefner to want to share more of her goodies with everyone.



9. Farrah Fawcett

She is known to most as the "Charlie's Angels" chick with great hair and one of the best selling bathing suit posters of all time! For a majority of her career, she resisted posing completely nude but shocked everyone when she turned up in the December 1995 issue of Playboy. That issue, which sold over 4 million copies, was the best-selling issue of the 1990s. Not bad for a woman in her 40s! Then again at the age of 50, Farrah posed for the July 1997 issue, also a big hit with the readers!

8. Stephanie Seymour

Stephanie may be best known as a supermodel and Axl Rose's girlfriend in the early 1990s. She was featured in his band Guns and Roses' music video for "November Rain" as a bride who ends up dying in the "cold, November rain!" She posed nude in Playboy twice, once in March 1991 and again in February 1993.



7. Denise Richards

Denise is probably best known as a "Bond Girl" or as the girl in the bathing suit with the hard nipples who makes out with another girl in Wild Things. She was destined to grace the pages of Playboy. So that is exactly what Denise did in December 2004.



6. Jenny McCarthy

Jenny was Playboy's 1994 Playmate of the Year, which is a huge honor for the nude modeling world! She was a model before she became an actress and activist and is famous now because we all saw her in the buff, so it does turn out to be a positive thing for some people. Go Jenny!



5. Cindy Crawford

Cindy is probably one of the most beautiful women in the world, so when she posed for Playboy in July 1988, guys rushed to the newsstand to get their copy. She was the first supermodel to pose nude and returned once more in 1998 in a more risqué nude picture. One time was clearly not fulfilling enough for this beauty. Playboy even ranked her #5 on their list of the "100 Sexiest Stars" of the 20th century.



4. Carmen Electra

Carmen also started her modeling career in the May 1996 issue of Playboy, after she had been involved with singer Prince and a brief singing/dancing career. Her spread gained her a lot of exposure and she was in the magazine three more times after that. She earned two covers, one in December 2000, the other in April 2003.



3. Kim Kardashian

Although Kim is not really a celebrity, she has one of the most talked about asses in Hollywood. So when she decided to pose for Playboy in December 2007, the world was a buzz. It's not like we all hadn't seen her expose herself in her various sex tapes, but apparently we just couldn't get enough!



2. Pamela Anderson

Pamela and her DDD's have appeared on the cover of Playboy 12 times, which makes her the most popular Playboy model. She was the February 1990 Playmate of the Year and appeared completely nude on the May 2004 cover, which was a first for her. It is reported that Pamela's very first pose for Playboy was a little more revealing than the magazine normally provides so they were forced to airbrush a certain area. Wink wink.



1. Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn was the very first nude model for Hefner. Her and her bits were featured in the first issue of Playboy in December 1953. Very scandalous for that time, Marilyn had no shame and admitted to the scrutinizing public, that it was indeed her in the pictures. When she first talked to the media about her spread, it was reported that she answered the reporter's question, "What were you wearing?" with a witty, "Chanel No. 5."



Who is your favorite celebrity Playboy bunny?