The Bachelor Finale: a Running Diary

I could really go for some onion rings. 

The following is a running diary recorded from that fateful night of March 12, 2012, aka the day that Ben Flajnik officially staked his claim as the biggest nimrod in the history of the world.

6:15pm - As I ride home from work on the subway, my excitement in anticipation of the Bachelor finale is surpassed only by my excitement that my wife is making cheese fondue tonight. Seconds later, this excitement is slightly surpassed by the fact that I just remembered that the defending champion on Jeopardy has really big boobs, and then that excitement is greatly surpassed when I remember that the NCAA Tournament starts tomorrow night.

6:20 - The excitement of all of those things is then surpassed by my desire to take my pants off when I get home. It's 70 DEGREES TODAY and I can't stop sweating. Especially because the guy standing next to me on the subway IS RIGHT IN MY GRILL, but also because I'm wearing a sweater. That's really an aptly named article of clothing. I'd karate chop this guy in the ribs, but I don't know karate and he's black.

I really really really want Courtney to win tonight, like really really, but I'm not sure how everyone else feels, so I send a text message to a bunch of friends to hear their thoughts on who they want to win (not who they THINK is gonna win, but who they WANT).

By the time my subway ride ends, the votes have been tallied.

5 people want Lindzi, including my friend DickDog who scolds me for missing his birthday.

12 people want Courtney, led by @ThriftyRitts who asks, "Who's Lindzi?"

3 people refuse to vote, 2 people claim to not know what I'm talking about and 1 person (Philly Phoodie) chooses the champ on Jeopardy with the huge yammers.

"I'll take "DOING!" for 400 Alex."

6:59 - I walk in the door with my pants around my ankles just as the Pennsylvania lottery numbers are announced -- always exciting! Thissssss ... izzzz ... Jeopardy! And here is your host of Jeopardy, what the?! Jessamine, the defending champ is TOTALLY COVERING UP HER MARACAS! So disappointing. I really hope this is not a premonition for what's yet to come. On the bright side, I can totally devote the next hour to shoveling hot, melted swiss cheese into my mouth, which reminds me that diarrhea is probably what's yet to come.

7:58 - Here we go! Showtime! And I'm talking about the Bach, not my impending explosion. Joining me tonight at TVMWW headquarters are my wife, her brother (and his beard), his girlfriend, our friend Patty O and our next door neighbor Bridget who is REALLY PREGNANT and REALLY excited about fondue.

During the first 8 minutes or so, I jot down such thrilling notes as:

- sledding looks like fun?
- Matterhorn, that's certainly something.
  and
- "Your son's amazing and so is your turtleneck."

Eventually, Lindzi tells us that Ben's mom Barbara is "really easy to talk to," proving that she's spent her entire life talking to horses.

Ben's sister then says that she prides herself in her ability "to judge people's character and what not." I wonder what I pride myself on? Lasting these 8 minutes without shitting my pants? Making sure I have an extra pair of underwear always within arms length? Not asking to smell Bridget's belly?

8:25 - Wow, this show really isn't that interesting, is it? I'll tell ya what's interesting, chocolate covered pretzels. As I try to get the pregnant lady off her butt to get me some, the first "WHOA!" of the evening is heard when Ben's sister reveals her really fuzzy gloves. The second "WHOA" follows shortly after when I see some sheeps!

Have you ever seen more attentive sheeps? The photographer must be holding a taco or something.

8:35 - It occurs to me that maybe I don't know what the word "vulnerable" means. Why do all of these people want to show that they're vulnerable? Whatever happened to the days of wanting a partner who was "strong" or "independent" or "more than 3 weeks diarrhea-free?"

The only place where I see a woman being "vulnerable" as a positive could be in the bedroom.

JOE:  Hey Charlie, how's that chick that you're dating?

CHARLIE:  Which one?

JOE:  The one with the rabbit-tits.

CHARLIE:  Oh, she's all right. She's kinda vulnerable.

JOE:  Nice. So you gonna try and take advantage of her?

CHARLIE:  Yes.

8:37 - Flaj's mom and sister are impressed that Courtney has a job. I guess that's a quality to look for in a daughter/sister-in law. Then again, my mailman has a job, but I'm not about to sign him up to be a contestant on the Bachelorette.

8:45 - Flaj decides that the Matterhorn is the perfect place to go skiing, once again failing to realize THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT KIND OF STUFF WHEN YOU'RE ON VACASHE! I'm sure the Swiss Alps have AT LEAST three other places to go skiing besides on the top of THE LARGEST, PRETTIEST, MOST UNNECESSARY TO SKI ON MOUNTAIN.

When I went skiing with some friends in Lake Tahoe a few years ago, my buddy Loaves had the brilliant idea to ski on the part of the mountain that was closed off. I dunno, what do you call that, out of bounds? Off-slope? Whatever, we weren't supposed to ski over there.

And as we stood atop of this ridiculously steep and icy out of bounds part, he turned to us and said, "All right. Make sure you take really long turns and take your time, this is gonna be difficult," and my buddy Abu (who has an attitude problem) was like, "You do it your way, I'll do it mine," and then forged ahead with reckless abandon. Approximately ohhhhhhhhhh, I dunno, six seconds later? Abu had smashed his helmet on a giant rock and plummetted 300 feet down the mountain on his back. About fifteen minutes after that, Abu was taken down the mountain on one of those ski-stretcher things while Loaves skied right beside him, spraying snow into his face the whole way down. (For the record, Abu was fine. And he now sells life insurance.)

The point is, JUST GET A FRIGGIN' CUP OF HOT CHOC AND ENJOY THE SCENIC VIEWS!

8:55 - After a long day of skiing, Lindzi tells Ben that she's exhausted and Ben laughs. WHAT IS SO FRIGGIN' FUNNY?!?! SKIING IS TIRING. REALLY TIRING. Ben's probably one of those people who hates napping. Afterwards, they have a heart-to-heart and it occurs to me that I only listen to about 8% of what these people are ever talking about.

9:00 - As we reach the halfway point, my wife wants to switch her vote over to Lindzi because she feels bad for her. I tell her that it's okay for her to switch her vote because I love her and then start to feel the first REAL indications that I need to take a smash.

When I say "Fon," you say "Due!" ... Fon! ... Duder!

What you know you about Soppressata?!

9:16 - I officially have no interest in this show.

9:17 - Ben is wearing a vest. I'm back.

9:19 - It always baffles me how these people have such a hard time "putting themselves out there." What does that even mean? During my bachelor years, I don't think I ever had trouble putting myself out there. In fact, that's pretty much all I ever did was put myself out there. That was kinda my move. I would put myself out there so much that it just totally overwhelmed whomever I was dating. I became irresistible because women had no idea how to handle me. "So I'm dating this guy, Evan. He's okay, I guess. He totally puts himself out there. Last night he showed me all of his moles. And he has A LOT of moles. Then he got me drunk. Is it possible to boil bedsheets?"

9:31 - It's the day of the big proposal which means one thing and one thing only ... NEIL THE REAL DEAL LANE and his giant steamroller chest.

9:33 - That was quick. The Real Deal came on screen, gave Ben a ring, ate like seven steak dinners and then left.

Meanwhile, everyone I'm watching with is freaking out about Courtney's gloves, but I'm paying more attention to Twitter than I am to the show. This makes my wife angry. She gets really offended when I pay more attention to the computer than I do to the television program we're supposed to be watching together. I guess I see her point, but @OchoCinco is tweeting about how he rented out a restaurant in Harlem and the first 200 people who showed up got treated to a free dinner with him. I'd say that's a little more interesting than HOLY MOLEY LOOK AT THAT MATTERHORN!

9:40 - The final scene ... and poor poor Lindzi is the first to get off the helicopter. I'm sorry Lindz, but you're better off.

Ben tries to sugar coat his dumping as much as possible and I gotta tells ya, LINDZI REALLY KEEPS IT TOGETHER. She even manages to dish out a little jab at the end saying, "If things don't work out, call me," insinuating that Ben and Courtney have no shot to stay together. This is the first interesting thing that Lindzi's done on the show. Good thing she saved it for when she got dumped on a mountain.

9:53 - Blah blah blah, Courtney's wearing gloves, and there's a few patches of fake snow surrounding them.

Ben proposes. They hug. They kiss. There's a giant Matterhorn. Somewhere a sheep eats some grass. Somewhere else another sheep eats some other grass. My stomach is going to explode and then I'm going to eat more fondue.

10:45 - After the Final Rose thing, it's revealed to us that Ben dumped Courtney after seeing her antics on television, but now wants to be with her again.

I don't care. I really don't care about these two at all. If they want to be together, fine. If they wanna sell life insurance, great. Who am I to judge what they should do with their lives? I'm just a lowly blogger who's wearing his third pair of underpants of the day (which is probably the same number of pairs of underwear that I wore yesterday).

I guess that's it for this season. Sad that it's over -- mainly because our friends won't be coming over every Monday night -- but also kinda relived, because I can finally take a dumpovski.

Sort of the perfect way to end it.

I really hope we have toilet papes.





So now that the Bach is over, I hope I don't lose you as a reader. Mad Membs is starting soon and then Game of Frones. So keep checking back to TV Me Weef Wooches orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr just look at this Matterhorn poster that I kinda like. 


And also this frog dog. 

The Bachelor: Before the Final Rose, Remember to Take Some Time to Stop and Smell the Elephants

That's a real haircut! 

Anytime someone is about to embark on a momentous occasion (like proposing to a woman who will soon be your ex, or watching someone propose to a woman who will soon be his ex), it’s important to sit back and reflect on how you got there. Pump the breaks, pull over and take a deep breath. So as we prepare for our final night of Bachelor viewing, let’s try to figure out how Ben ended up with a choice between a model and a lady whose last name is Cox.

Ben was just another wispy-haired winemaker until he painted a dumb elephant on a wall of an orphanage in Thailand during Ashley’s season of the Bachelorette. Remember that? Before that move (and it was totally a move!), he got less airtime than Vinny Zollo. But then Ashley got all excited because Ben was artistic, and elephants are cute, and if you can paint an elephant you MUST be sensitive, and sensitive guys are into leather, and before you know it, BOOM, Ben's the next Bachelor and JP is stuck with a lady who's passionate about orthodontics.

Women are suckers for animals. They’re cute, they’re fuzzy, and if a dude shows even the slightest interest in them, then he must be caring and disease-free. Fellas, forget about making lots of money or roofie’ing your sister’s friends, the easiest way to bang chicks is to love furry creatures.

The other day, my wife was yelling at me because I acccccccidentally set fire to our bath towels and she was all, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” and I was like, “HE SAID HE WAS A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER!” and she was like, “NO, THE TOWELS!” and I was like, “OH, I WANTED TO BURN SOMETHING,” and she was like, “UGGGGHHHH, I HATE YOU!” and then I flipped the script and was like, “Oh, by the way, I saw a bunny today in our backyard,” and she was like, “Weally?” and I was like, “Yeah, his name was Leroy,” and she was like, “Oh my God! I love Leroy,” and I was like, “I’m lying, there’s no friggin’ bunnies in our backyard,” and she was like, “What’d you say?” and I was like, “I love Leroy too! He’s got bunny balls!” and then we fucked.

Single fellas, listen closely 'cause I'm about to give you The Evster’s Supremo-Dating-Tip-Numero-Uno for dudes who are trying to bone chicks who own pets:

On your first date (or really anytime you think that maybe a girl might be willing to let you take her to the boneyard), bring a present for her dog (or cat or whatever) like some dog biscuits or a squeaky toy or a bone or something. The girl will be so touched that you took the time out to show interest in her dumb pet that she’ll totally be up for it.

YOU:  Heyyyy Marcy, I’m Fred.

MARCY:  Oh, hey. You look kinda different from your Match.com picture. Is that mustard on your neck?

YOU:  Hey can you shut up for a sec? Cool. I brought some treats for your dog. They’re mustard flavored.

MARCY:  OH. MY. GODDDDDDDD. Really?

YOU: Yeah, so do you wanna like, take your top off now? Or like in ten minutes?

MARCY:  That is soooooooo sweet! Schwarfie! Schwarfie! Look what Ted brought you!

YOU:  It’s Fred. Doesn’t matter. So, the couch then? Should I leave my pants on the couch, orrrr ... ?

MARCY: Ohhhh, Schwarfie loves these, yes he does yes he does!

YOU:  So what kinda lube you using these days? ‘Cause I’m familiar with pretty much all of ‘em. You got Luber's? That’s prolly my personal fave. I like Vaseline brand too, but Luber's is my go-to. 

Sidenote: If the girl you’re trying to bone has a young child, it’s also imperative that you show interest, but not toooooooo much interest. If the girl you’re trying to bone has a teenage kid: if it’s a girl, just be nice. If it’s a dude, try to steal his cellphone because I guarantee he’ll have pictures of teenage girls’ beavers.

The man who gave her this doggy pack is THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD. 

I can’t really think of any reasons why Lindzie is still around besides the fact that maybe Ben's into horses (and no I don't mean sexually, and yes I do mean sexually). I guess she knows her way around a makeup counter too, but that’s not really an attractive quality. In fact, I’d say that along with South Detroit and Wildwood, New Jersey, the makeup section in Macy’s could be the scariest place on this planet.

Courtney has made it this far for one reason and one reason only: she knows how to suck the cum out of a man’s cock. And I’m sorry, I really am, BUT LET’S KEEP IT REAL HERE. I’d love to write a blog that was “acceptable for work” or “interesting to read,” but if we want to really analyze how we got here, we gotta accept the truth, Ruth (my mother’s name, and kinda weird/somewhat fitting that she’s mentioned in this paragraph).

I'm really not sure who Ben's gonna pick. I hope he picks Courtney, but then again, I kinda hope he picks Neil Lane.

How many steak dinners do you think he eats in a day? Six? I'd say six.

I'd watch her on Jeopardy.

Reminder, before the Bach, I highly recommend watching Jeopardy and the defending champ with the huge yarbos ... and after the Bach is the After the Final Rose jawn which is always fun too ... or you could skip both of them and check out this cool photo project where the photographer superimposed cheap souvenirs of famous tourist attractions over the places themselves. 

The Bachelor: Women Tell All, Sponsored by Schick Quattro for Women

So shaved.

Look, don't judge that one dude in the crowd during last night's taping of The Bachelor: the Women Tell All. For all you know, he's just a simple dude whose wife happened to have an extra ticket, and yeah, okay, he's got a little male-patterned baldness going on, and yeah, fine, he was THE ONLY dude there, but while you lounged on your couch in your sweatpants, knuckle-deep in a bag of Cheetos, he was there LIVE, IN PERSON, to take in the many wonderful smells that 25 freshly-shaved women had to offer.

The show was pretty standard ... there were some tears shed, some "Hold up, who's that chick?" moments and of course the segment where women screamed at each other in an attempt to snatch onto their last seconds of fame. If a woman wants to stand out in that environment, instead of yelling like a lunatic and challenging other women, why not just wear a pants suit? Wouldn't that totally blow people's minds? Like, "Oh my Gawd, did you see Jaclyn? I thought she was a ripping suit, but she totally rocked that pants suit. She must be a paralegal."

It's also very important to have GOOD POSTURE on shows like this (and really throughout life in general). I've found that the way a woman sits (or walks) can make or break her hotness. For example, Emily -- who for all intents and purposes is a pretty, smart, quick-witted woman -- slouches like my Aunt Maxine. And quite frankly, because of this, she's got San Antonio Saggers.

Next stop: San Antone!

I think that's why Chris Harrison kept asking Jennifer the accountant her opinion about stuff. She's got decent posture (and really, that's the only reason that would explain why he kept kicking it over to her).

HARRISON:  Jennifer, you're an accountant, you must have an opinion on whether or not Courtney's being genuine. You also have arms the color of milk of magnesia. I'm wearing a watch.

JENNIFER:  Well Chris Harrison, I'm glad you asked, 'cause I wanted to take this time to ask Ben HOW HE COULD POSSIBLY PICK BLAKELY OVER ME? No offense Blakely, BUT SERIOUSLY, I'VE WEIGHED THE PROS AND CONS AND Y'ULCH, HOW DID YOU PICK HER? and Blakely, really nothing personal, BUT TALK ABOUT A SKANK MACHINE.

BLAKELY:  Oh, no no no no, no offense taken. Why would I be offended that you just blatantly said there's no conceivable way that any man could pick me over you on national television? No, that's fine. You can just call my mother a whore while you're at it. Here, take this piece of baloney and throw it in my face. It's fine. No offense taken. NONE TAKEN.

This show is a goddamn joke. How 'bout this back and forth last night?

HARRISON:  Kacie B., were you afraid to love?

KACIE B:  Great question Chris Harrison, great question. But quick side note: Blakely looks like a dirty, plastic shoe. Am I right or am I right? OrAmIRight? OrAmIRight? OrAmIRightttt?

While we're being honest on this edition of TV Me Weef Wooches: The Evster Tells All ... I actually missed around 30 minutes of action last night because I was eating ice cream. And not just ice cream ice cream, but a homemade sundae with all sorts of stuff on it, INCLUDING GRAHAM CRACKERS!

Look!

I can't believe we had cherries in the fridge! ... HELLO Shirley Temple!

After eating ice cream, my wife put me in the hot seat and told me to take a Lactaid -- right in front of all of our friends! -- which honestly doesn't matter considering they've all seen me on the verge of shitting my pants. I don't know if I'm actually lactose intolerant (are there even any real tests for it? You just self-diagnose yourself if you have to take a smash after drinking a milkshake, right? Then I'm definitely lactose intolerant), but my wife insisted last night that I pop a pill.

MY WIFE:  Ev, can you grab a Lactaid? They're in the spice cabinet. Well, the box is in the spice cabinet, I'm actually not sure if we have any left.

ME:  So do you want me to just chew on the box?

MY WIFE:  Would you just check?

ME:  Oh, no, it's fine, I'll just chew on the box. The cardboard'll stop me up. All that ruffage.

MY WIFE:  Evan! Just take one.

ME:  Or should I down a little bit of cumin? Ohhhhh, we have Herbes de Provence!

So now I guess we're all pulling for Courtney to win -- partially because Lindzi is a snooze and partially because it could shake up the show forever. Which may actually be a bad thing.

If Courtney wins, then the Bach has officially lost all credibility (not that it has too much left anyway after a 2 for 21 stint), but this could push the show that much closer to the equivalent of Bachelor Pad.

I'm really torn.

Courtney and essentially the end of the Bach as we know it?

Or Lindzi and her dumb, stupid face?

I honestly can't believe how saggy Emily's tits looked.

Kinda phallic?

TV Me Warf Waptches currently has NINETY-NINE Facebork likes! Whoooooo will get us to the century mark? If you haven't liked TVMWW yet, do so here. Orrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture that says more about love and marriage than this stupid blog could ever say. 

The Bachelor: WHY THE FREAK DON'T WE ALL LIVE IN SWITZERLAND?!

Guess who's learning to use Photoshop!

So Switzerland is friggin' bonkers.

WHAT A BEEEEEA-UUUUUUUUU-TIFUL PLACE!

The mountains ... the lakes ... THE GOATS!

HOW BOUT THOSE GOATS? ... JUST WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET!

I happen to live in Drexel Hill, Pennsylvania, a blue collar, shit-suburb 3.3 miles west of West Philadelphia and 64.1 miles from any sort of nature or wildlife (Six Flags: Wild Safari). In the center of my town is a bar that claims to have "The Best Crab Soup on the Planet," a Wawa and a comic book store called Cool Stuff. That's the actual name, Cool Stuff. There's a Batman t-shirt that hangs in the window and even though I've never been in there, I can GUAR-UN-TEEE you that NOTHING in that place is cool, not the stuff and certainly not the staff. 

Pining for a connection to the outdoors, I recently filled up a bucket of Johnson's Popcorn with water and set it on my back deck, and once or twice a day neighborhood squirrels come over and drink out of the bucket. 

Look!

So thirsty!

Now less thirsty!

Now, I'm not complaining -- I love these squirrels, and it's easily the best thing I've ever done in my life -- but it pales in comparison to flying in a helicopter over Mount Switzy. 

And was that helicopter pilot the best lander in the history of helicopter pilots?!?! He landed that thing RIGHT on top of that mountain! I would love to see him land his helicopter on a Cirque du Soleil guy. AND I BET HE COULD DO IT.

I used to doubt that the Bach and his ladies could realllllllllly fall in love on this stupid show, but after seeing that place?!?! I'm pretty sure that Adolph Hitts himself could've taken me on a date to the top of the Swiss Alps and I woulda fallen for Mein Führer.

Adolph:  Wow, being up here really allows you to just clear you head and think, doesn't it?

Evster:  (shoving the most delicious peach into my mouth) Definitely, man, definitely. These peaches are delicious by the way. Where'd you get these? Olaf's? Are these from Olaf's?

Adolph:  Evan, you know when you get a really lousy peach?

Evster:  (still chewing) Oh yeahhhh. That's the worst. You know I had never actually seen a sheep in person before I came here? Much furrier than I thought.

Adolph:  Well, what if we lived in a world with ONLY perfect peaches?

Evster:  I gotta tell ya Dolph, I don't think you're getting a better peach than this one. What's this? A German peach? Is this one of those German peaches?

Adolph:  And what if we could eliminate, JUST WIPE OUT all of the lousy peaches?! The deformed ones, the brown ones, the kosher ones.

Evster:  JUST WIPE 'EM OUT!

Adolph:  So we were left with only the softest, juiciest, blondest peaches in the world.

Evster:  Sounds good, manimal. Hey, when we get back to la chambre, I was thinking of maybe hoppin' in the tub, taking a soak and then giving you a hand-jimmy.

Adolph:  I was actually thinkin' about a good ole fashioned rimmer.

Evster:  Rimmer it is!

I think the show (and the fact that I don't live in Switzerland) is making me angry, because I spent a great majority of last night's ep yelling at the television; like when Nicki kept her top on in the bathtub. AND IT WAS A BATHTUB NOT A HOT-TUB SO LET'S GET THAT STRAIGHT! There are few aphrodisiacs in this world that work better than a floating titty!

And what's up with Courtney wearing her sweater sleeve below her hand a la Stefon!

Drexel Hill's hottest new club is called ... Gambol's.
They have crab soup, other soup, jean shorts ... 

And why oh why did Emily, Ali and Ashley all go to the movies wearing night-dresses??!?!?!?

Night-dresses? I just made up a thing, didn't I? ... "What are you wearing tonight?" ... "Oh, I was thinkin' of breaking out one of my new night-dresses." ... "HOTT!"

I mean, I understand dressing up (you're on a show, you're in LA), but at least wear a jacket because movie theaters are FREEZING! Were they heading to a sorority function immediately afterwards? I don't understand this world.

Even more baffling is the fact that Ben seems to realllllllllllyyyyy like Linbzeyg. Am I missing something here? She's not attractive and not cool, right? Like, there's a pretty good chance that her ex-boyfriend works at Cool Stuff.

The highlight of last night occured when Ben got PISSED after K.C.B told him what she thought of Courtney. Ben does NOT like to be challenged by women. On the first ep, he failed to choose that lady who walked right by him without saying a word (a move that I kinda thought was dope). Later in the seez, he sent some lady home after she questioned his decision-making. He kicked off Casey the Crying Weirdo because she still had feelings for her ex. This guy needs a reality check -- AND A FRIGGIN' HAIRCUT!

At this point, Ben's butt-cut ranks right up there with the worst male hairstyles of all time:

Carles Puyol -- you'd think he could get a decent cut in Barthalona! And it honestly looks worse when it's dry!

Chris Jones from Top Chef -- EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS WRONG DUCK DONG!

Nancy Lieberman -- Tim DeFrisco's camera lens FUCKING BLEW UP INTO 4,000 PIECES when this picture was taken.

Luckily after Kacie B. shook him up, Ben was given time by Chris Harrison to "decompress," which clearly meant. "Go jerk off, dude."

The setting was perfect. Mountain view, high stress, lots of candles, some Swiss almond lotion and pictures of his three potential wives.

I would've preferred a goat.

What you know about Earl "The Goat" Manigault?

I'm thinkin' about live-tweeting the Top Chef finale on Wednesday. My wife ABSOLUTELY HATES when I watch TV and tweet simultaneously, BUT I'M MY OWN MAN. If you're interested, follow me on Twitter here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out this grilled brie and goat cheese sangwich!

The Bachelor: I Wonder if Kacie B's Dad Has Ever Seen His Wife Fully Nude

All right, can you let go now? I'm starving.

This morning at water coolers all across Amurrica, people were blaming Kacie B's lame-o parents for ruining her life.

And people are right to, they're certainly right to -- Kacie B's folks are certifiable dickheads -- but everyone's parents are dickheads, and Mr. and Mrs. B may have secretly been the most normal parents of the lot.

I know that's sounds like absolute B.S., especially coming from a blogger like me who spews NOTHING but top-grade, premium horseshit off of his keyboard, but hear me out on this one.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, Kacie's dad used the word "prayerfully" in a sentence (telling his daughter to think about her decisions "carefully and prayerfully"), but that's okay, the guy likes praying about stuff ... and YES I'm aware that her mother was a prude, but the other girls' parents were just as embarassing.

This water is fucking delicious.

Take Lyndzie's dad for instance (who's name just so happens to be HARRY COX, but let's forget about that for a sec -- THAT HIS NAME IS HARRY COX -- and let's also ignore the fact that HE'S the one responsible for giving his daughter such a DUMB-spelled name), but didn't he seem just a litttttttttle too excited to have visitors at his ranch?

HEY BEN, WELCOME TO THE COX RANCH! I LOVE HORSES, LET'S PLAY WITH HORSES! WHO WANTS TO RACE I LOVE RACING I LOVE HORSES HARRY COX NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL I JUST GO BY THE NAME OF HARRY COX THAT'S ALL, MY HORSE HAS A HAIRY COCK FOR ANY OF YOU WHO DIDN'T PICK UP ON THE WHOLE HARRY COX THING BY THE WAY!!!

I kinda felt that maybe Harry he hadn't seen another human being in close to 13 years.

And who the hell has horses?!?!

People just have horses? I mean, I guess it's okay to ride a horse from time to time, but I litt-trully don't know one person who has a horse, or has ever had a horse. My first girlfriend's father had pleated pants, not horses. My second girlfriend's father had scoliosis. Harry Cox has horses?!?! Fuck that guy. I'm sorry.

I don't know why I'm being so harsh on Harry when his wife (and her saggy tits) weren't helping matters either. "Hey Ben, just wanted you to know that our daughter has VERY LITTLE experience with men."

Thanks, Mom!

While we're at it, can you also tell Ben that I have AIDS?

Quick segue back to horses: I went on a mini-rant this morning about horses at the water cooler and my friend and co-worker Dennis asked me why I hated horses so much, and I told him, "I don't hate horses. I like horses. I'd love to pet a horse," and he was like, "But you're screaming about horses," and I was like, "I'm just saying people who ride horses can't be trusted." And he said, "Well what about the guy who had Mr. Ed?" and I said, "Well, that guy's cool, 'cause Mr. Ed could talk," and then Dennis was like, "Did you know that they used to put glass in Mr. Ed's mouth so he'd be forced to move his lips?" and we were all, "What the fuck are you talking about Dennis?" and he was like, "No dude, it's true. They used to fill his mouth with glass and he'd get all uncomfortable and move his mouth," and we were like, "Dennis, that's absoutely totally fucking retarded," and then some other guy Josh who drinks this stuff called Muscle Milk every morning said, "I think they used to put peanut butter in Mr. Ed's mouth, not glass," and Dennis kept defending what he had heard and insisting that Mr. Ed ate glass until someone made the point that if Mr. Ed was forced to eat glass, there'd be blood everywhere and then someone googled "Mr. Ed eating glass" and obviously no one made him eat glass, that's preposterous, but we did find out that they used to put wires and threads in Mr. Ed's mouth to make his lips move, which was sad, but we also learned that Mr. Ed eventually learned to move his lips on cue which was nice for him.



Look at those pictures of Ed's family on the wall! ... Framed and everything!


Back to crazy parents!

When Nicki and her mother were chatting about Ben in bed, they both had their shoes ON the bed!!!!

WHAT
THE
FUCK?!?!

First of allbd's, WHO THE HELL LEAVES THEIR SHOES ON WHEN THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE, and second of awlgs, even if you do leave your shoes on, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE BED?!?!

NO WONDER THESE TWO LADIES ARE DIVORCED!

That's the thing with crazy people, they make you think they're normal -- Marv Albert, Jane Fonda, anyone who drinks Muscle Milk. Nicki's mom seeeeeemed like a cool lady who serves really delicious-looking ribs and baked beans, BUT THE BED IS NO PLACE FOR A SHOE!!! ... OR A BOOT ... ESPECIALLY A BOOT!

Boot segue: When Ben and his "new" boots were on the bed, you could see that they were totally scuffed on the bottom, which means that that swarthy, mustachioed boot salesman pulled a fast one on Ben and sold him USED boots!

That's more like it, lady!

On to Courtney's father, Rick "there's no way this guy's name is really Rick Roberts" Roberts, who gave the weirdest and worst toast in Bachelor history.

"On behalf the chamber of commerce, just wanted to welcome Ben to Scottsdale, Arizona."

Thanks, Rick! Pleasure to be here!

Forget about Rick's anorexic wife or the fact that he's DEFINITELY gonna go see that movie Journey 2 with The Rock. And when the hell did Journey 1 come out? How did I miss that?

Courtney segue: You know how when you really love someone you can't get enough of all of their quirky mannerisms and idiosyncricies? Well I CAN'T STAND Courtney's. Everything she does is sooooo annoying. The squeaky-voice talk, the shoulder shruggs, the lip thing, obviously the lip thing. Yekch, enough of her. Why waste another second thinking or writing about her? Ben is the biggest dope in the history of Bachelor dopes AND THAT'S REALLY SAYIN' SOMETHIN'.

Secretly the smartest move any woman has made. Ben is a fucking asshole.

So are Kacie's folks really that much more out of control than any of the others?

Her grandfather's cool. That dude has a friggin' football field named after him, which is fantastic if Kacie ever wants to produce a little point guard. Also, when Kacie took Ben on her picnic, she's the only one of the girls that took him to eat somewhere with back support! (The top of the bleachers, leaning against the wall.) GREAT MOVE by her.

And how 'bout a picnic segue! WHAT IS WITH ALL THE GODDAMN PICNICS?!?! Why can't these people just find a café and get themselves a chicken salad sandwich?

The only person Kacie B. has to blame for getting kicked off is herself.

Two crucial mistakes:


Mistake #1: Kacie B. should have never asked her little sister for advice considering she's 11!

Kacie B:  Hey sis, I know Dad is really skeptical of this situation, but I'm in love with Ben.

Sister B:  Yeah, I don't know what skeptical means, but I just put all these glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling in my bedroom, it's soooo cool.

Kacie B:  I just feel so strongly for Ben. I know it's real. I know it!

Sister B:  That's great, go for it. By the way, my gym teacher, Mr. Langley, I saw his balls the other day. They looked like gravy.

Mistake #2: She liked Ben wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much.

When Ben arrived in her shit town, she should have never went with ole Ricky the Dragon Steamboat running leaping leg-lock-hug, a move that no man enjoys, ever. Then, she kept making eye contact with him and was being really nice and was smiling a lot and that's just weird. It's just frickin' weird. Ben got freaked out, and I would've too.

But that's okay Kacie B. You're better off without that schlub.

Besides, after giving it to Courtney in Puerto Reeks, Ben probably has AIDS.





My buddy Beards's wife posted on my Facebork wall that she played blackjack with Ben in Vegas last weekend. I asked her to give more deets, but she ignored me. If you want deets too, go to my Facebook page and pester her. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, read this article about a new species of Tiny Chameleon found in Madagascar!

The Bachelor: I'm Certainly Not Compatible With This Guy. Are You?

Rachel, list your top 12 favorite Bill Murray movies ... go!

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." - Bob Wiley, What About Bob

On this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), I'm not here to piss on love, or fairy tales, or catching lobsters, and if Ben and his ladies are into love and lobster, that's great, enjoy the love, enjoy the lobster ... love love love ... lobster lobster lobster ... but anyone who's been married for more than a week and has literally watched their spouse shave their upper thighs in the shower can tell you that relationships are less about love and more about LOBSTERS ... I mean, COMPATIBILITY.

Is your partner okay with you bringing home sushi on V-Day as opposed to you making dinner like you promised? (Mine was.) Is your partner down with wearing sweatpants ALL THE TIME? (Mine is.) Is your partner okay with you eating an entire bag of Smartfood® and then asking for your last sip of lemonade? (Two for three baby!) 

Look, I don't know when the last time you had Smartfood was, but it is F*CKING INSANE. Last night, I seriously considered taking a spoon to dig up the rogue pieces of popcorn at the bottom of my bag. If there's one thing you need to do this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), it's get yourself (and your Valentine!) a bag of Smartfood.

Chicks in Belize know how to party!

Apparently, Ben is looking for a woman who's into jumping out of helicopters and swimming with sharks and catching lobsters with a glove and not a woman with a PHD who drains jump shots on unsuspecting Belizians. (And also, is it really necessary to just grab lobsters with a glove? The lobsters are just trying to hang out and go for a swim. Get your damn hands off them and just let them be lobsters!). I guess that's fine if you're planning on living a life of luxury while constantly traveling the world and doing stuff, but what about seeing who's compatible with you when you wanna watch the Westminster Dog Show on a Tuesday night (that just so happens to be Valentine's Day!)?

I get wanting to sightsee and swim and make a television show while you're in Belize, but these people need to start doing REAL shit and have REAL conversations if they wanna see if they're REALLY meant for each other. They're always talking about feelings and love instead of important stuff like what movies you like or what you want to name your dog or what magazine subscriptions you'd get if you ever opened a dentist's office.

Sports Ill, People, Rolling Stone (just for the charts in the back), Four Four Two, Time (seems pretty standard) and probably a Skiing magazine just for the snowy pictures. 

Ben had a golden opportunity to call off that stupid shark date and get to REALLY know these women when Nicki and Rachel were shaving in the shower. I mean, just pull up a chair and watch them shave! What a great (and EROTIC) way to spend a morning! Grab a bag of Smartfood and watch their skin prune. How did it take me 34 years to discover that women shaving is so hot?!?!?

My wife -- who reads the New York Times and thinks she's better than other people -- told me about an article yesterday that said that intelligence is the #4 quality that men look for in a woman. In 1960, intelligence was #15!

So I gots to thinking ...

A) are there even 15 qualities I can name in a human?
and
B) where would intelligence rank on my list? 

Here goes:

1. Boobs

2. Butt

3. Senses of humors

4. Open-minded

5. Open-minded sexually

6. Nice

7. Intelligent

8. Likes Smartfood (or at least recognizes how another person could love it so much)

9. Clean hair

10. No history of mental illness in family 

11. Cash

12. Understands that you may or may not have a foot fetish

13. Gets excited about something ... anything!

14. Likes squirrels or other furry things that drink water

15. Would be up for watching a guy karate-kick a wall

Get over yourself, kid.

I'll tell ya what's ranks 483rd on my list ... a woman who spells her name "Lindzi!"

ENOUGH OF THIS ALREADY!

IT HAS TO STOP!

That's not how you spell that name! Completely and totally unacceptable. I know, I know, her parents are the one who named her, so she's not entirely at fault, but she's got their DNA in her so clearly something's REALLY wrong with her.

Also, what kinda way was that to throw a message in a bottle?!?! It went around three feet and I can almost guarantee that it washed ashore at the adjacent dock where the lobster guy apparently just takes people out on his boat with no reservations?!?! "Oh, you want lobsters? I can take you out on my boat! No, I'm not doing anything important today, I don't need to run any errands or feed my family, I'll just take you out on a boat!"

Ben kicked off Emily who seemed to be the most intelligent and well-rounded chick on the show. She pretended to be compatible with Ben, but clearly wasn't into riding a bike and playing basketball with Belizians. I liked her the best, but after she said the word "Yay" out loud, I woulda kicked her off too.

Silver lining on Emily going home is that we get to meet Courtney's parents next week, who Courtney claims have the perfect relationship. All these ladies keep saying that about their parents. I can honestly tell you that I have never once uttered the phrase "my parents have the perfect relationship." I was over at my parents' house last week and my mother and father spent 20 minutes arguing about lamb chops. 

And they weren't even arguing about how to prepare lamb chops, or what goes best with lamb chops, they were just arguing about lamb chops. 

Dad: I want lamb chops tonight. I love lamb chops.

Mom: Oh you don't love lamb chops! Shut up.

Dad: What? I love lamb chops.

Mom: You don't even know what lamb chops are.

Dad: Yeah, they're the meat, with the bone ...

Mom: If you want lamb chops so bad, make yourself some goddamn lamb chops. Geez, all of a sudden he loves lamb chops.

Dad: I don't love lamb chops! Stop saying I love lamb chops. 

Mom: Briscuit. Lamb chops. Apple sauce. Name one thing you don't like. 

Dad: I don't like lamb chops! I'll tell ya that much! We better not be having lamb chops tonight.

Mom: Did you pick up Smartfood today?

Dad: Yeah, I got us some Smartfood.

Mom: I'll grab us some spoons.

My parents have been married for 35 years.

Pretty sure they've never swam with sharks or jumped out of a flying machine. They normally spend their vacations at museums and my dad wanders off by himself. My mom stays back and looks at stuff. Eventually, she finds him sitting on a bench (often with a lemonade).

I'm not sure if they're currently on speaking terms.

Just because.

By the way, a dumb dog won Best in Show at Westminster last night. A total farce. Check out pictures here. Or don't. I don't care. I've been sitting in a Cosi for an hour now and need to get back to work. Clicking "post" NOW!

The Bachelor: Are You Serious, Clark?

This: good! ... Scrapbook: BAD!

After skinny dipping with a maniac and playing softball with Mexicans, according to Flaj, "It's time to have some serious conversations," making him the first male in the history of Western civilization to say this.

Moments later, some lady told him how she used to barf all over the place in high school.

I don't know about y'allllllll, but I've spent my entire life trying to avoid serious conversations. I ate lunch at Popeye's for three straight weeks so I could put off my annual review at work.

"Where's Evan?"

"I think he's sick. Pretty sure I heard him in the bathroom having a major explosion."

"Again?"

In the seven years that I've been with my wife, I think we've only had a total of three serious convos: and two of those were about the Bach. (The other was an actual serious convo after I was diagnosed with Exploding Ass Syndrome.)

But you wanna get serious, Ben? You wanna get serious? THEN LET'S GET SERIOUS!

First off, you SERIOUSLY need to stop spending so much time in the sun! Especially if you want to start hitting the skins later in the night. I understand wanting to live it up while being in the Caribbean (that's not where Panama is, is it?), but all that fishing and swimming is EXHAUSTING, just ask Jillian and Short-Shorts Ed. After I go to the beach for an hour, I feel like I've been barreled over by a Mack truck (very similar to eating at Popeye's actually). This is no way to live.

And this is where I pasted my pubes ...

Blakely certainly tried to get serious last night, pulling out A SCRAPBOOK THAT SAID THE WORDS "FLAJNIK" AND "CARING" ON THE FRONT OF IT. And she thought that Flaj would enjoy this. Here's the question though -- 'cause we can all agree that that was probably the dumbest thing any human being has ever done -- WAS THAT ACTUALLY THE DUMBEST THING ANY HUMAN BEING HAS EVER DONE?

The way I sees it, here's a list of the dumbest things any human being has ever done:

- Kasey tattooing the "guard and protect your heart" thing on his forearm.
- Kasey telling people that he tattooed the "guard and protect your heart" thing on his forearm.
- Kasey singing an a capella song to some lady he just met on national television.
- Blakely giving Flaj a scrapbook.
- Blakely not giving Flaj a hand job.
- Kasey not making a line of replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoos to sell to people who have Bachelor viewing parties and would totally go bonkers for those replica tattoos.
- Me not making a line of replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoos to sell to people who would totally go bonkers.
- Me giving away my replica "guard and protect your heart" tattoo idea right here on the internet.
- Me eating Popeye's for three weeks straight and making my intestinal tract more contaminated than any river in Panama.

If any of us wanted to reallllllly get serious, we'd donate money towards cleaning up the rivers in Panama. That was the most disgusting river in the world and those little Panamanians were just RECKLESSLY leaping into it like they had no idea what a river was supposed to look like. And none of those little f*ckers plugged their nose or even thought for a SECOND about not jumping in. There wasn't even any discussion as to WHO should get the soccer ball.

"Awwww man. The ball's in the river. Who's turn is it to get it?"

"I got it last time."

"F*ck you Pasqual! You did not!"

"Yeah-huh! Remember when I swam back to shore and an eel was attached to my leg and I had meningitis for like six months and then I died?"

"Oh yeahhhh. I'll get it!"

Haven't been to Hershey Park in a while.

That village was absolutely amazing. I couldn't have been more disappointed when the camera crew left and we had to return to the Trump Marina. If the Bachelor at that point had completely changed from a dating show to a National Geographic jawn, I woulda been ecstatic.

Why can't these people just hang out and be normal? On their two-on-one date, Rachel kept saying how awkward it was to have a third wheel around. Is it really that uncomfortable? When you're in high school, you're always hanging out with four dudes and one chick. That doesn't stop the dudes from trying to bone.


If there are any high school chicks out there reading this (and wow, that sounds really horrible), please understand that every one of your guy friends wants to bone you. And most of them would be happy if you just let them smell your arm.

Just tryin' to get a sniff!

These adults need to just have normal conversations about movies or breadsticks or scrapbooks. Probably woulda been a good move for Blakely to throw a little foreshadowing out there and ask Flaj his thoughts about scrapbooking before she just whipped out the Chronicles of Flaj. Then she coulda gone to Plan B. (Plan B is obviously Give a Guy a Hand Job ... which should also be Plan A.)

Jamie had the right idea trying to get fancy with Ben. Her I'm Serious About Getting Boned-act was amazing, except for the fact that she failed miserably by not ever shutting up. That was probably both my favorite and least favorite scene in the history of the Bach. My buddy Law put it best by saying, "Never seen anything so painful while simultaneously in Bonerville."

If I were a chick, I'd be so good at this show. I'd just give everyone hand jobs!

All Jamie (or Blakely, or any chick with or without an eating disorder) had to do was straddle Ben (like Jamie did), grind their snooter against his dork (like Jamie did) and tell him that they wanted to give him the dirtiest, slipperiest hand job ever. And then slap him in the face and walk away.

ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT WOULDN'T HAVE GUARANTEED HER ANOTHER WEEK?

I'M TRYING TO GET SERIOUS HERE FOLKS!

THAT LADY CASEY S. SERIOUSLY HAD THE WEIRDEST CRY EVER!






No giveaway this week (I spent 40 bucks on pizza and t-shirts! Don't tell my wiiiife), but feel free to comment below anyway. I'll give you a topic: MY WIFE HAS NEVER SEEN CHRISTMAS VACATION!! I KNOW!! ... Or you could just check out this goat eating a ribbon.

The Bachelor: Jennifer the Redhead Gets Booted In the Most Shocking Development of the Seez and Yet She Still Doesn't Get One Stinking Mention in this Post

Somehow the fact that these women are are emotionally defeated makes this picture that much hotter. 

And nowwwwwwww, it's time for everyone's (no-one's) favorite game ...

"DID YOU NOTICE?!"

yayyyyyyy!

yayyyyyyy!

neighhhhh!

I'm a horse!

DID YOU NOTICE the Bachelor cameraman just chillin' in the water while Ben and Elyse jumped off that yacht? There he was, floating in his wetsuit with a giant camera attached to his shoulder, waiting to film their little legs flailing under the sea. I imagine this guy is a master of filming underwater shots, a SCUBA guru called on by ABC to capture any and every aquatic scene. When Ben and Jennifer went spelunking in that cave last week, he was there. When Captain Sully Sullenberger landed that jet in the Hudson, he was there. When Ben and Courtney went skinny dipping in the middle of the night, WHERE THE HELL WAS HE?!?!

He was probably sleeping, exhausted after a long day of SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN WHILE CARRYING A GIANT CAMERA, but he still missed a golden opportunity to film Ben's offshore drilling.

The cameraman who did film the scene was not able to get the close-up underwater access necessary to determine whether or not Ben actually porked her. Personally, I think he definitely porked her (how could he not pork her?!?!), but until Courtney sells her story to US Weekly, we won't know for sure if in fact he porked her (he porked her).

DID YOU NOTICE Ben totally covering up his dork when he took off his pants? Doesn't that lead you to believe that he has a small dork? My buddy Law said maybe he was just trying to stretch it out (definitely possible, absolutely definitely possible), but I'm just saying if he had a normal sized dork he wouldn't have had to cover up or stretch out anything.

How is this happening?!?!

DID YOU NOTICE how Emily is the ONLY person on this show that has moles?!?! I can't believe Ben didn't send her home. And how the hell does ABC keep finding so many mole-less people? And is she the biggest idiot of all time?

Moments after apologizing for being an idiot, she started acting like an idiot again. And why is it so hard for her to figure out why Ben is willing to hang out with Courtney? "Ohhhhh, she's such a vapid, mean person. You don't see her act the way we doooooooo ..."

SHE FUCKS DUDES IN THE OCEAN!

Maybe if Elyse had decided to bone Ben instead of just swimming around like a little prude, Ben woulda kept her too. 

DID YOU NOTICE Ben picking up that rose and waving it right in Elyse's face before he dumped her? Was that the biggest dick move in Bach history? 

Or was it more of a dick move to lie to her and tell her, "you're an incredible incredible woman," when he clearly meant to say, "you're an incredibly fit woman."

DID YOU NOTICE how much handholding is going on all over the place? It's disgusting! I'm honestly more bothered by all the handholding than by the fact that Ben is a fucking dick! 

DID YOU NOTICE Chris Harrison wearing a ring on his index finger?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TRYING TO PROVE?!

DID YOU NOTICE how close all the girls were sitting together at the hotel room? There were around five barefoot women (that's ten feet!) all scrunched up on one chair. So much skin. So erotic. Was that the sick perverted producer's idea? Or are Puerto Rican hotel rooms just very poorly furnished? 

DID YOU NOTICE how small that elephant is in that new movie starring The Rock?!?! It's so small!

I still think that picture of the tigers swimming is more mind blowing than this fucking elephant!

I'd like to take this time mention that my wife and I took TVMWW on the road last night and watched at our friends Em & Gil's house with our other friends, Law & Chicken. Em & Gil have two small children so we watched the entire episode on very low volume while they slept upstairs. I honestly didn't hear a goddamn spoken word all night. That probably explains why this entire post is written with this whole "DID YOU NOTICE" theme, because I was forced to only use my sense of sight. Not to mention the fact that Chicken spent the whole episode slinging zingers (probably in hopes of being quoted in this here blog and to be fair, she's probably responsible for 75% of the material). It should also be stated for the record that Emily spent the entire evening wearing a pair of Gil's Gold Toe dress socks, by far the shaftiest brand of dress socks known to man.

DID YOU NOTICE how these people are always unnecessarily running everywhere?!?! They're like my buddy's 3-year-old son, Bassy (and yeah, that's his actual name). When the girls hopped off the bus at Roberto Clemente stadium, they broke right into a trot. Hey look! There's a helicopter! Let's run! THIS IS NO WAY TO ACT! STOP RUNNING ALL THE TIME! RUNNING IS FOR PRUDES!

DID YOU NOTICE how big Rachel's boobs were?!?! Every week this lady surprises me with her big boobs. A few weeks ago, I was like, "Whoa, that lady's got bigger boobs than I thought." Then, last week I thought, "Wow, I know I was surprised last week by how big her boobs were, but I'm still surprised by her boobs," and then this week I was like, "I'M TOTALLY AWARE OF HER BOOBS BUT THEY'RE STILL SURPRISING ME ON A WEEKLY BASIS AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR ME TO LIKE BOOBS THIS MUCH I'M 34 YEARS OLD I ALSO LIKE BUTTS FOR THE RECORD."

I CAN'T WAIT FOR NEXT WEEK!

In order to keep readers in the habit of commenting, this week I'll be giving away a FREE PIZZA to a random commenter. Seriously, next Monday at noon, I'll have a drawing and order a pizza to be delivered to your home or workplace. A lot (maybe 6) people have told me they had trouble entering comments here at blobspops.com, so if you're still failing to see your post, simply comment on my Facebork page or email me at tvmywifewatches@gmail.com. Or just watch the new Ferris Bueller commercial.