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| All right, can you let go now? I'm starving. |
This morning at water coolers all across Amurrica, people were blaming Kacie B's lame-o parents for ruining her life.
And people are right to, they're certainly right to -- Kacie B's folks are certifiable dickheads -- but everyone's parents are dickheads, and Mr. and Mrs. B may have secretly been the most normal parents of the lot.
I know that's sounds like absolute B.S., especially coming from a blogger like me who spews NOTHING but top-grade, premium horseshit off of his keyboard, but hear me out on this one.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, Kacie's dad used the word "prayerfully" in a sentence (telling his daughter to think about her decisions "carefully and prayerfully"), but that's okay, the guy likes praying about stuff ... and YES I'm aware that her mother was a prude, but the other girls' parents were just as embarassing.
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| This water is fucking delicious. |
Take Lyndzie's dad for instance (who's name just so happens to be HARRY COX, but let's forget about that for a sec -- THAT HIS NAME IS HARRY COX -- and let's also ignore the fact that HE'S the one responsible for giving his daughter such a DUMB-spelled name), but didn't he seem just a litttttttttle too excited to have visitors at his ranch?
HEY BEN, WELCOME TO THE COX RANCH! I LOVE HORSES, LET'S PLAY WITH HORSES! WHO WANTS TO RACE I LOVE RACING I LOVE HORSES HARRY COX NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL I JUST GO BY THE NAME OF HARRY COX THAT'S ALL, MY HORSE HAS A HAIRY COCK FOR ANY OF YOU WHO DIDN'T PICK UP ON THE WHOLE HARRY COX THING BY THE WAY!!!
I kinda felt that maybe Harry he hadn't seen another human being in close to 13 years.
And who the hell has horses?!?!
People just have horses? I mean, I guess it's okay to ride a horse from time to time, but I litt-trully don't know one person who has a horse, or has ever had a horse. My first girlfriend's father had pleated pants, not horses. My second girlfriend's father had scoliosis. Harry Cox has horses?!?! Fuck that guy. I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm being so harsh on Harry when his wife (and her saggy tits) weren't helping matters either. "Hey Ben, just wanted you to know that our daughter has VERY LITTLE experience with men."
Thanks, Mom!
While we're at it, can you also tell Ben that I have AIDS?
Quick segue back to horses: I went on a mini-rant this morning about horses at the water cooler and my friend and co-worker Dennis asked me why I hated horses so much, and I told him, "I don't hate horses. I like horses. I'd love to pet a horse," and he was like, "But you're screaming about horses," and I was like, "I'm just saying people who ride horses can't be trusted." And he said, "Well what about the guy who had Mr. Ed?" and I said, "Well, that guy's cool, 'cause Mr. Ed could talk," and then Dennis was like, "Did you know that they used to put glass in Mr. Ed's mouth so he'd be forced to move his lips?" and we were all, "What the fuck are you talking about Dennis?" and he was like, "No dude, it's true. They used to fill his mouth with glass and he'd get all uncomfortable and move his mouth," and we were like, "Dennis, that's absoutely totally fucking retarded," and then some other guy Josh who drinks this stuff called Muscle Milk every morning said, "I think they used to put peanut butter in Mr. Ed's mouth, not glass," and Dennis kept defending what he had heard and insisting that Mr. Ed ate glass until someone made the point that if Mr. Ed was forced to eat glass, there'd be blood everywhere and then someone googled "Mr. Ed eating glass" and obviously no one made him eat glass, that's preposterous, but we did find out that they used to put wires and threads in Mr. Ed's mouth to make his lips move, which was sad, but we also learned that Mr. Ed eventually learned to move his lips on cue which was nice for him.
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| Look at those pictures of Ed's family on the wall! ... Framed and everything! |
Back to crazy parents!
When Nicki and her mother were chatting about Ben in bed, they both had their shoes ON the bed!!!!
WHAT
THE
FUCK?!?!
First of allbd's, WHO THE HELL LEAVES THEIR SHOES ON WHEN THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE FIRST PLACE, and second of awlgs, even if you do leave your shoes on, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THEM ON THE BED?!?!
NO WONDER THESE TWO LADIES ARE DIVORCED!
That's the thing with crazy people, they make you think they're normal -- Marv Albert, Jane Fonda, anyone who drinks Muscle Milk. Nicki's mom seeeeeemed like a cool lady who serves really delicious-looking ribs and baked beans, BUT THE BED IS NO PLACE FOR A SHOE!!! ... OR A BOOT ... ESPECIALLY A BOOT!
Boot segue: When Ben and his "new" boots were on the bed, you could see that they were totally scuffed on the bottom, which means that that swarthy, mustachioed boot salesman pulled a fast one on Ben and sold him USED boots!
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| That's more like it, lady! |
On to Courtney's father, Rick "there's no way this guy's name is really Rick Roberts" Roberts, who gave the weirdest and worst toast in Bachelor history.
"On behalf the chamber of commerce, just wanted to welcome Ben to Scottsdale, Arizona."
Thanks, Rick! Pleasure to be here!
Forget about Rick's anorexic wife or the fact that he's DEFINITELY gonna go see that movie Journey 2 with The Rock. And when the hell did Journey 1 come out? How did I miss that?
Courtney segue: You know how when you really love someone you can't get enough of all of their quirky mannerisms and idiosyncricies? Well I CAN'T STAND Courtney's. Everything she does is sooooo annoying. The squeaky-voice talk, the shoulder shruggs, the lip thing, obviously the lip thing. Yekch, enough of her. Why waste another second thinking or writing about her? Ben is the biggest dope in the history of Bachelor dopes AND THAT'S REALLY SAYIN' SOMETHIN'.
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| Secretly the smartest move any woman has made. Ben is a fucking asshole. |
So are Kacie's folks really that much more out of control than any of the others?
Her grandfather's cool. That dude has a friggin' football field named after him, which is fantastic if Kacie ever wants to produce a little point guard. Also, when Kacie took Ben on her picnic, she's the only one of the girls that took him to eat somewhere with back support! (The top of the bleachers, leaning against the wall.) GREAT MOVE by her.
And how 'bout a picnic segue! WHAT IS WITH ALL THE GODDAMN PICNICS?!?! Why can't these people just find a café and get themselves a chicken salad sandwich?
The only person Kacie B. has to blame for getting kicked off is herself.
Two crucial mistakes:
Mistake #1: Kacie B. should have never asked her little sister for advice considering she's 11!
Kacie B: Hey sis, I know Dad is really skeptical of this situation, but I'm in love with Ben.
Sister B: Yeah, I don't know what skeptical means, but I just put all these glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling in my bedroom, it's soooo cool.
Kacie B: I just feel so strongly for Ben. I know it's real. I know it!
Sister B: That's great, go for it. By the way, my gym teacher, Mr. Langley, I saw his balls the other day. They looked like gravy.
Mistake #2: She liked Ben wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much.
When Ben arrived in her shit town, she should have never went with ole Ricky the Dragon Steamboat running leaping leg-lock-hug, a move that no man enjoys, ever. Then, she kept making eye contact with him and was being really nice and was smiling a lot and that's just weird. It's just frickin' weird. Ben got freaked out, and I would've too.
But that's okay Kacie B. You're better off without that schlub.
Besides, after giving it to Courtney in Puerto Reeks, Ben probably has AIDS.
My buddy Beards's wife posted on my Facebork wall that she played blackjack with Ben in Vegas last weekend. I asked her to give more deets, but she ignored me. If you want deets too, go to my Facebook page and pester her. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, read this article about a new species of Tiny Chameleon found in Madagascar!
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