Barefoot Contessa: Grilling an Entire, Whole Chicken

She's not even looking while she's cutting!

No show puts me to sleep quite like the 5pm airing of The Barefoot Contessa. Not because it's boring, but because Ina Garten's voice, kitchen and lifestyle is so tranquil that I uncontrollably lose consciousness and dream of dining in her backyard. It is by far the most relaxing half hour of my day (and that includes the half hour that I spend everyday playing my harp).

The other day I caught an episode where The Barefoot Contessa grilled an entire, whole chicken. She removed the back and breastbones with ease, slathered the chicken in rosemary and oil and just slapped it on the grill. It seemed so effortless that I figured I'd hop off the couch and try it myself.

Unfortunately, we did not have an entire chicken in our fridge, so instead I chose to make cinnamon raisin toast. Equally as delicious, but not nearly as simple. 

Any chance this guy lives next door to Contessa?

You see, one of the raisins in the bread got lodged in the toaster, forcing me to pry it out. At first, I kept slamming down and lifting the handle, trying to "boing" it out, but that just snagged the raisin more and ripped the slice apart. I then tried to play Operation with the toaster and burnt my fingers. Finally, I grabbed a pen and pressed it out, giving me three, mangled, 33% smaller pieces of cinnamon raisin toast.

When I went to lather on some cream cheese, I noticed that we had no clean knives.* So I took a fork (also dirty) and turned it around, spreading my cream cheese with the handle. This got the job done and I devoured my snack on the couch while Contessa finished preparing her meal.

Realizing she had an entire chicken to eat and no one to share it with, Contessa decided to invite her next-door neighbor Joan over. Now I'm not sure if her neighbor's name was in fact, Joan, but based on the fact that she had a sweater wrapped around her shoulders, her name had to be either Joan, Sharon or Corey Pavin.

Of course Joan came over, they ate an entire chicken and I fell asleep with crumbs in my beard.

When I woke up an hour later absolutely starving, I decided to go to Wawa, where I saw my next-door neighbor Bridgette. Bridgette was grabbing some Doritos and told me that she and her husband Dan were having "Burger Night."

"Burgers and Doritos, sounds perfect!" I said, giving her the clear opportunity to invite Dar and I over for a burg.

But did Bridgette take the bait? .................. No!

33% of a burg is not a lot to ask for

How hard would it have been for her or Dan to holler over the fence to ask if we wanted a burg?!?! It's not like we needed them to put out cloth napkins like Joan did. I didn't even need a napkin, Dan could've just shoved a burger through our chain-link fence! I wouldn't have had a problem with three thirds of a burger!

Well, I know who I won't be calling the next time I make cinnamon raisin toast.




(It's Dan and Bridgette.)

(Besides, then they'd insist on bringing over over their baby, Irene, and it'd be a whole thing with the baby and the baby would start barfing all over the place and that's just not relaxing at all.)




*This doesn't happen to The Barefoot Contessa. She always has loads of little glass bowls filled with herbs, and cute little measuring spoons and a cutting board that doesn't have an entire grapefruit on it from the night before. I'm starting to hate her. 

Danielle Lloyd & Jamie O'Hara: Step Out in London

Last night Danielle Lloyd arrived at Gilgamesh in North London with her footballer fiancé Jamie O’Hara, for the launch party of Pixie Lott’s new Lipsy fashion range.

After the party the 26-year-old model Tweeted: “Nearly home to my son miss him so much stopping for a chicken sheesh on the way bloody starving ha ha X"

DWTS: Week 2 - See ya Michael Bolts!

This is a real person.

As I watched Dancing With the Stars this past Monday, I thought it was a pretty ordinary show. Some people looked good, Brooke Burke asked boring questions, Michael Bolton crawled out of a doghouse. But after looking over my notes, I realized that this episode had some INCREDIBLE moments. For instance, MICHAEL BOLTON CRAWLED OUT OF A DOGHOUSE. And the doghouse said "Bolt" on it!

And yes, I take notes while watching DWTS. And yes, I just abbreviated Dancing With the Stars as "DWTS": reasons #63 and #64 to punch me right in the face.

Before we get to Usain Bolt, some highlights included:

The Situation: The decision to only refer to The Situation as "The Situation" is brilliant. Not sure if that was The Situation's idea or that of the ABC producers', but I laugh every time they announce, "Karina Smirnoff and her partner, The Situation!"

Let's hope she didn't pull a hammy.

Bristol the Pistol: Easily the second best nickname on DWTS, I loved it when Sarah Palin let this one fly. Speaking of our almost Vice President, every moment she is on-camera I am blown away. From her accent to her leather jacket to using the word, "awesome," everything about this woman is entertaining. Although, my wife (who is the daughter of a plastic surgeon) seemed to think that her cheeks looked a little stiff and recently had some work done. Unfortunate, but still much more attractive than Geraldine Ferraro.

Brandy sucks: There is no doubt that Brandy is a good dancer, but she sucks as a person. Watching her during rehearsals with Erin Andrews' boyfriend made me furious. She has no idea how to work with others and it's clear that she has been coddled as an individual pop "star." As the judges critiqued her solo, Brandy threw Erin Andrews' boyfriend right under the bus by saying it was his fault, his idea. I equate her to a snotty kid who grew up only playing tennis with no concept of how to work with teammates. Later, when the judges criticized another move, Brandy baby talked and replied, "I sahwee." This brought about a rage inside of me that I have only experienced one other time: in 7th grade when my stupid doubles tennis partner shanked a return on match point causing me to throw my racket at his face.

Corky: Flo-Ho's partner is too much. I can't handle his enthusiasm coupled with the faces he makes. That being said, I kinda like him. 

Derek used the word, "catalyst": This was shocking. When discussing Jennifer Grey's mandatory check-up that revealed the cancer in her spine, Derek thought it was incredible that Dancing With the Stars served as a "catalyst" for her well-being. This guy deserves his own blog post; he might be growing on me. And it is so clear that with the exception of this kid, he is the best dancer of all time.


I might start voting for Kurt Warner just to keep his Red-Headed Russian partner on the show: her military outfit was bonkers and she may be reaching level 9 bonkers status.

And then there's Bolt: Forget about receiving the all-time lowest score  (Bruno gave him a 3!), Bolt had no prayer from the start. His ridiculous earring was reason enough to vote him off and then he showed up at the rehearsal studio wearing a  hospital mask as if he were practicing in Beijing. Later, he delivered this season's most embarrassing moment (outdoing Jennifer Grey's from last week when she saw a dead Patrick Swayze!) when he threw a hissy-fit in response to his partner telling him "whatever" after his suggestion to simplify a dance move. Listen Michael, we didn't need Office Space to hate your guts; now crawl back into your doghouse with your hounds-tooth jacket and please don't try to convince me that these songs are essential.

Essential?

Prediction for next week: Sitch has been on the chopping block the last two weeks, but I'm convinced that the ABC producers are just messing with us. He's way too popular to be voted off. It comes down to the chubby Nickelodeon star, Margaret Cho and Flo-Ho. I predict that Mrs. Brady will be gone, but will be very excited to hear weeks later about her steamy relationship with Len Goodman.

Cheryl Cole Launches Jewellery Line

Pop star Cheryl Cole stepped out last night at the exclusive Nobu restaurant in central London, to promote Promise, a ring collection she is launching for the luxury jewellery firm de Grisogono.

Angel Di Maria Unscathed In Car Crash

Real Madrid winger Angel Di Maria and his girlfriend Jorgelina were involved in a car accident on Wednesday evening in Madrid, but reportedly emerged from the wreckage unscathed.

Di Maria's car had significant damage to the back side.

The Argentine player will be able to train with his team-mates tomorrow.

Helena Seger: San Siro With The Boys

AC Milan's Zlatan Ibrahimovic's wife Helena Seger and their sons Maximilian and Vincent watch Milan v Genoa, Saturday September 25.

Carles Puyol & Malena Costa Caught Together!

FC Barcelona Carles Puyol and model Malena Costa were together on September 15, to watch Alejandro Sainz in concert at Palau Sant Jordi in Barcelona.

Malena wore a mini dress with leopard print, Captain Puyol debuted his beer belly.

Helen Svedin & Luis Figo: Golden Couple

Former Portuguese football player and wife Helen Svedin are the faces of Italian jewelry Salvini.

Eagles vs. Jaguars: Michael Vick is Scintillating!

This is not Ron Jaworski

My wife is an avid sports fan; she loves the New York Knicks, Pete Sampras and can generally catch something when thrown to her. Football is not her favorite, but she has been known to join me on the couch for football Sundays, while folding some laundry or reading a magazine. Her favorite play is the flee-flicker. She does not quite understand what "play-action" is. She calls Randall Cunningham "The Ultimate Warrior." That being said, she loves watching Michael Vick.

This movie was not horrible.

The bottom line is that Michael Vick is scintillating (and infinitely more exciting to watch than Kevin Knob)! With Vick pulling his Houdini-like escapes, he has single-handedly made my 12 hours of Sunday football watching much more tolerable for my wife. You never know what Vick is going to do next; will he launch a bomb to Desean Jax? Will he jump over a defender? Will he throw a ball through a guy's face? All I know is that if the Knobbler was still the Eagles starting quarterback, my wife would be much more apt to snatch the remote out of my hand and force me to fold laundry.

And yes, we know, he killed dogs. And we actually love dogs! I even sort of enjoyed that movie with John Cusack where he had a dog!  But the guy has the potential to throw a ball through a guy's face. And I hate folding laundry!

This coming Sunday, Donovan is coming to Philly and my father-in-law will be staying with us while in town. As of now, we have plans to go to brunch on Sunday afternoon, but I will almost guarantee that Katie will allow me to choose #7 over Eggs Benedict. She understands that it's not everyday that you get to see a guy jump over another guy.

Thank you Clay Matthews for changing my life.

This Eggs Ben could actually use a little more Hollandaise.

 

Melissa Satta: Milan Fashion Week Womenswear

Melissa Satta (girlfriend of former Italian footballer Christian Vieri) attends the DSquared 2 Milan Fashion Week Womenswear S/S 2011 show on September 27, 2010 in Milan, Italy.

Irina Shayk: Lip Augmentation Recovery

Click picture to enlarge

The main side effect of lip enhancement is swelling of the lips and around the mouth. This may persist from 3 to 14 days.

Helena Seger Has Her Undie Exposed!

Helena Seger Ibrahimovic and Neil Barret attend the DSquared 2 Milan Fashion Week Womenswear S/S 2011 show on September 27, 2010 in Milan, Italy.

Mad Men: Don Draper is Freaking Out!

Don Draper after his panic attacks and trip to Barfalona, Spain

If you're looking for deep, analytical commentary of Mad Men, discussing the latest episode and the fact that the characters are reverting back to their childish ways (Don eying up his secretary, Roger's immaturity, Pete Campbell being a tweedle) then I suggest you read the New York Times' blog. But if you're looking for inane drivel (and opinions on Joan's breasts), then you're in the right place.

This Sunday's episode was one of the hardest hitting in Mad Men's history as Joan revealed she was pregnant with Roger's child in the very first scene! And yet, during the entire heart-wrenching scene, all I could think about was the fact that Joan's breasts have officially reached "bosom" status. There's no other way to describe them. Joan's bosom commands our utmost respect.

This is just getting ridiculous

At this point, I feel that Joan's breasts need to be used for greater purposes other than stealing scenes during AMC's Sunday night programming. For example, why hasn't one NFL General Manager attempted to sign Joan as a 3rd down specialist? I just spent 15 minutes listening to Mark Schlereth discuss the 49ers inability to convert on 3rd downs and not once did he mention Joan's ability to help embattled QB, Alex Smith. Think about it:

It's 3rd and 6, and the Niners need to convert on a key 3rd down at Arrowhead Stadium in Chiefs territory. Michael Crabtree splits out wide, with Vernon Davis in the slot. All of a sudden, Joan lines up out on the opposite flank, matched one-on-one with the Chiefs' nickel corner. She could have her little 49ers jersey tied in a bow under her bosom, with eye black on and a pair of heels. It doesn't even matter which heels she wears, although pink ones for breast cancer awareness would seem to be very apropos this month. As the Chiefs corner starts screaming for safety help, Joan could slowly slide her foot out of her shoe, causing the cornerback to uncontrollably start barfing all over the place (because she's so hot) and boom! Joan runs a quick button-hook for 6 yards, moving the chains and putting the Niners in position to possibly score more than 14 points this season. Is this really that hard to envision?!?! Doesn't Mike Singletary want to keep his job?!?!

Speaking of barfing all over the place, Don's panic attack and subsequent trip to Barfalona produced some of the most outrageous and disgusting barfing noises in the history of American television. Lard Ass's puke-a-palooza in Stand By Me was visually more disgusting; the same goes for Mr. Creosote in Monty Python's Meaning of Life, but Jon Hamm's ability to sound like he was giving birth through his throat was downright Emmy worthy. Great job Hamm!

Don's secret identity was put into great jeopardy, leading to some riveting scenes in which Don revealed his true self to Whats-her-face, but Lane getting straight caned by his father proved to be the most hard-hitting moment of the show. Big Daddy Kane rolled up on his son like he caught him chewing gum on a Singapore sidewalk; and then to add insult to injury, Big Daddy stepped on his son's hand until he called him "sir!" This was truly unfortunate because I had just gained some respect for Lane considering he was dating a chocolate Playboy bunny (is that racist? that might be racist).

Can Mark Schlereth fix the 49ers?

Very excited for next week when we'll hopefully find out if Don plows his new secretary, if Joan is still in fact preggers and if Pete Campbell's wife Trudy dons another ridiculous, maternity neglige.