DWTS: Week 2 - See ya Michael Bolts!

This is a real person.

As I watched Dancing With the Stars this past Monday, I thought it was a pretty ordinary show. Some people looked good, Brooke Burke asked boring questions, Michael Bolton crawled out of a doghouse. But after looking over my notes, I realized that this episode had some INCREDIBLE moments. For instance, MICHAEL BOLTON CRAWLED OUT OF A DOGHOUSE. And the doghouse said "Bolt" on it!

And yes, I take notes while watching DWTS. And yes, I just abbreviated Dancing With the Stars as "DWTS": reasons #63 and #64 to punch me right in the face.

Before we get to Usain Bolt, some highlights included:

The Situation: The decision to only refer to The Situation as "The Situation" is brilliant. Not sure if that was The Situation's idea or that of the ABC producers', but I laugh every time they announce, "Karina Smirnoff and her partner, The Situation!"

Let's hope she didn't pull a hammy.

Bristol the Pistol: Easily the second best nickname on DWTS, I loved it when Sarah Palin let this one fly. Speaking of our almost Vice President, every moment she is on-camera I am blown away. From her accent to her leather jacket to using the word, "awesome," everything about this woman is entertaining. Although, my wife (who is the daughter of a plastic surgeon) seemed to think that her cheeks looked a little stiff and recently had some work done. Unfortunate, but still much more attractive than Geraldine Ferraro.

Brandy sucks: There is no doubt that Brandy is a good dancer, but she sucks as a person. Watching her during rehearsals with Erin Andrews' boyfriend made me furious. She has no idea how to work with others and it's clear that she has been coddled as an individual pop "star." As the judges critiqued her solo, Brandy threw Erin Andrews' boyfriend right under the bus by saying it was his fault, his idea. I equate her to a snotty kid who grew up only playing tennis with no concept of how to work with teammates. Later, when the judges criticized another move, Brandy baby talked and replied, "I sahwee." This brought about a rage inside of me that I have only experienced one other time: in 7th grade when my stupid doubles tennis partner shanked a return on match point causing me to throw my racket at his face.

Corky: Flo-Ho's partner is too much. I can't handle his enthusiasm coupled with the faces he makes. That being said, I kinda like him. 

Derek used the word, "catalyst": This was shocking. When discussing Jennifer Grey's mandatory check-up that revealed the cancer in her spine, Derek thought it was incredible that Dancing With the Stars served as a "catalyst" for her well-being. This guy deserves his own blog post; he might be growing on me. And it is so clear that with the exception of this kid, he is the best dancer of all time.


I might start voting for Kurt Warner just to keep his Red-Headed Russian partner on the show: her military outfit was bonkers and she may be reaching level 9 bonkers status.

And then there's Bolt: Forget about receiving the all-time lowest score  (Bruno gave him a 3!), Bolt had no prayer from the start. His ridiculous earring was reason enough to vote him off and then he showed up at the rehearsal studio wearing a  hospital mask as if he were practicing in Beijing. Later, he delivered this season's most embarrassing moment (outdoing Jennifer Grey's from last week when she saw a dead Patrick Swayze!) when he threw a hissy-fit in response to his partner telling him "whatever" after his suggestion to simplify a dance move. Listen Michael, we didn't need Office Space to hate your guts; now crawl back into your doghouse with your hounds-tooth jacket and please don't try to convince me that these songs are essential.

Essential?

Prediction for next week: Sitch has been on the chopping block the last two weeks, but I'm convinced that the ABC producers are just messing with us. He's way too popular to be voted off. It comes down to the chubby Nickelodeon star, Margaret Cho and Flo-Ho. I predict that Mrs. Brady will be gone, but will be very excited to hear weeks later about her steamy relationship with Len Goodman.