Mad Men: Don Draper is Freaking Out!

Don Draper after his panic attacks and trip to Barfalona, Spain

If you're looking for deep, analytical commentary of Mad Men, discussing the latest episode and the fact that the characters are reverting back to their childish ways (Don eying up his secretary, Roger's immaturity, Pete Campbell being a tweedle) then I suggest you read the New York Times' blog. But if you're looking for inane drivel (and opinions on Joan's breasts), then you're in the right place.

This Sunday's episode was one of the hardest hitting in Mad Men's history as Joan revealed she was pregnant with Roger's child in the very first scene! And yet, during the entire heart-wrenching scene, all I could think about was the fact that Joan's breasts have officially reached "bosom" status. There's no other way to describe them. Joan's bosom commands our utmost respect.

This is just getting ridiculous

At this point, I feel that Joan's breasts need to be used for greater purposes other than stealing scenes during AMC's Sunday night programming. For example, why hasn't one NFL General Manager attempted to sign Joan as a 3rd down specialist? I just spent 15 minutes listening to Mark Schlereth discuss the 49ers inability to convert on 3rd downs and not once did he mention Joan's ability to help embattled QB, Alex Smith. Think about it:

It's 3rd and 6, and the Niners need to convert on a key 3rd down at Arrowhead Stadium in Chiefs territory. Michael Crabtree splits out wide, with Vernon Davis in the slot. All of a sudden, Joan lines up out on the opposite flank, matched one-on-one with the Chiefs' nickel corner. She could have her little 49ers jersey tied in a bow under her bosom, with eye black on and a pair of heels. It doesn't even matter which heels she wears, although pink ones for breast cancer awareness would seem to be very apropos this month. As the Chiefs corner starts screaming for safety help, Joan could slowly slide her foot out of her shoe, causing the cornerback to uncontrollably start barfing all over the place (because she's so hot) and boom! Joan runs a quick button-hook for 6 yards, moving the chains and putting the Niners in position to possibly score more than 14 points this season. Is this really that hard to envision?!?! Doesn't Mike Singletary want to keep his job?!?!

Speaking of barfing all over the place, Don's panic attack and subsequent trip to Barfalona produced some of the most outrageous and disgusting barfing noises in the history of American television. Lard Ass's puke-a-palooza in Stand By Me was visually more disgusting; the same goes for Mr. Creosote in Monty Python's Meaning of Life, but Jon Hamm's ability to sound like he was giving birth through his throat was downright Emmy worthy. Great job Hamm!

Don's secret identity was put into great jeopardy, leading to some riveting scenes in which Don revealed his true self to Whats-her-face, but Lane getting straight caned by his father proved to be the most hard-hitting moment of the show. Big Daddy Kane rolled up on his son like he caught him chewing gum on a Singapore sidewalk; and then to add insult to injury, Big Daddy stepped on his son's hand until he called him "sir!" This was truly unfortunate because I had just gained some respect for Lane considering he was dating a chocolate Playboy bunny (is that racist? that might be racist).

Can Mark Schlereth fix the 49ers?

Very excited for next week when we'll hopefully find out if Don plows his new secretary, if Joan is still in fact preggers and if Pete Campbell's wife Trudy dons another ridiculous, maternity neglige.