Wednesday's Wifey: Katy Mixon aka April from Eastbound & Down

This blog has turned into pornography. It has turned into blatant pornography. 

There are some women in this world who are totally bonkers and then there are other women who are double-bubble-bonkers. Katy Mixon surpasses both of these, she's triple-ripple-bonks, and that's like the ultimate bonkers, one step below major-butternut-squash-bonkers, which is obviously the most bonk-bonkers.

So this week, after HBO announced that Eastbound and Down's third season will debut on Sunday, February 19 at 10pm, followed by Ricky Gervais's new show Life's Too Short at 10:30, Mrs. Triple-ripple-bonks is Wednesday's Wifey.

Bet ya didn't know Ms. Mixon was doing stuff outside of Eastbound and Down, did ya? Yep, she starred alongside Nic Cage in this 3D thriller Drive Angry (which for some dumb reason I never saw, but I did watch Pretty Woman with my wife this weekend for the four glousandth time). And in doing my research, I'm not even sure if that's her in the poster, it could be Amber Heard who's also in the movie and is apparently a person. How fucking locked-in is Nic Cage in that picture though? That guy could drive a car through a whale. I'm renting Drive Angry this weekend.

Amazingly, Bill Murray gave Punxsutawney Phil the exact opposite advice when they drove together during Groundhog Day. "Don't drive angry!" Also, look at Phil's little hands! He's totally locked in! (And totally making a left turn!)

More research led me to find out that Katy (my wife's actual name by the by) is currently dating Paula Deen's son, Bobby Deen, who is not nearly as fat as you would think Paula's son should be. The couple seem happy together (which is nice) and it's wonderful that she was able to find a man whose chest is almost as broad as hers. Also, I mean, listen, I know I talk about boobs A LOT, but hers? C'mon now. They're no joke! How did it take her this long to be Wednesday's Wifey? If Comcast On Demand doesn't have Drive Angry available I'm gonna fucking kill a human.

Anddddddddd WOW. Look how dark Paula's Deen's husband's eyebrows are compared to his beard. I know, I know, this is the smallest picture ever and you can hardly see his brows, but you can still tell that they're SO dark. The Deens really look to have accepted Katy into their family, but what's with sticking her at the end of the photograph? I guess Dickhead Deen over there needed room to stick his hands in his pockets.

When you're dating a Neely, sometimes you have to go fishing with their gross friends. Very nice of Katy to pretend she's having a good time (she is an actress after all). Also, why is she TOTALLY DECKED OUT IN FISHING GEAR and he looks like he's dressed for a day of playing frisbee golf? "Hey Chucky, I think I found your disc over here! Oh no wait this is a fish."

Cam Neely's jersey retirement ceremony in Boston -- and the back of Paulina Neely who seems to be by far the hottest Neely in the history of Neelys. I MEAN, C'MON FOLKS, THAT'S A NICE BACK-OF-A-PERSON. Although, that skirt is retarded -- is that a cargo? -- but those heels and caboose? Zowzers. Katy Mixon needs to step up her game!

Ehhhh, nevermind, Paulina Neely's not quite as dope from the front. Don't get me wrong, this is a terribly grainy photograph that makes her look like she just shaved her 'stache, but she's still not on Katy's bonkers-level.

Let's get back to Katy, who also had a bit part in Four Christmases, which happens to be a much better movie than you'd think. She and Jon Favreau are actually very funny in it. This is the first paragraph I've ever written on TVMWW without a dumb joke ... ... ... ... ... ... ... frogballs.

Interesting move.

And this picture's fascinating.

How locked-in is this guy?

And that's Wednesday's Wifey!



Not satisfied? Try following TVMWW on Twitter instead. I recently vowed to "CALM THE FREAK DOWN" on Twitter after going bonkers the last couple of weeks. You can follow me here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out this picture of a place I'd love to go fishing. 

RHOBH: Amazingly I Don't Mention That Ridicurous Wedding Planner Once During This Post

I'm not kidding, I don't mention this guy ONCE.

When two people are in a relationship where the guy beats his wife and then kills himself, I think you're supposed to feel sorry for those people. But somehow, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills make this impossible. Taylor and her dead husband are so unlikable that any sort of compassion for them is thrown out the window (also, all of my compassion for people gets used up when I watch Intervention -- that show is sad!). And I know what you're thinking, "Oh, you just don't like her because she looks like a horse!" and that's true, that's very very true, but it's more because Taylor's always doing dumb stuff and making terrible decisions. (And then there's the whole horse thing.)

It's one terrible decision after another from these people: I'm gonna get more plastic surgj; I'm gonna bring my dog to high-class functions; I'm gonna pretend things are high-class functions when they're really just regular functions; I'm gonna go to functions instead of staying home when clearly I never have fun at any of these functions because who ever has fun at functions anyway? And so on.

And in last night's ep, there were a few terrible decisions that these ladies made that were just total doozies.

For exormple, when Taylor and her dead husband went to couples therapy, they made the ROOKIE MISTAKE of sitting in the barca loungers as opposed to laying down on the couch. To quote Phaedra from RHOA, ehhhhvvvverybody knowsssss that when you see a psychiatrist you HAVE TO lay down on the couch. It's so much more relaxing, and ultimately you don't have to make awkward eye contact with your therapist when you tell her that you once had a dream that you buttblasted Tina Turner (true story).

In fact, back when I was in therapy, not only would I lay down on my therapist's couch to avoid having to see her judge me, but I'd actually take my shoes off -- I was that comfortable. Looking back, I should've used the therapy sessions to try and figure out why I thought it was okay to take my shoes off in some shrink's office as opposed to exploring why I wanted to take Tina Turns to the boneyard.

Taylor and her huz choosing barca loungers over couches ... poor decision #1 in last night's ep.

Unsure if he's actually dead or alive in this pic. 

Poor decisj #2 was obviously the dead guy leaving the therapy session before it was over. I mean, c'mon dude! The sesh is only an hour! Cancel that business meeting or at least call them and say you'll be 20 minutes late! Also, I'm aware that you're dead and you can't even read this, and I'm sorry that you're dead, but you should've stayed for the entire hour! Then maybe that doctor could've figured out why you were such a miserable wife-beating maniac! Or at least helped you be less boring! And I'm sorry for yelling! But you're seriously so boring! Or, were.

Later in the ep, Brandi (the only one that I like) suggested that the housewives all get together for a fun evening at her place where a real live porn star would give them tips on how to perform blowjobbers. Sounds like a great idea, right? Something different. Something to get these ladies to loosen up a little bit. And learn a few tips from a professional while they're at it. But no, Mrs. My Hair is Too Long for My Age negged the idea because she didn't think the other women would go for it -- it wasn't classy enough. Although talking shit on each other and doing splits at every get together is totally classy. I got a question for you Mrs. Your Hair is Not Age Appropes, HOW IS THAT NOT A GOOD IDEA?!?! ... ARE YOU HAVING THAT MUCH FUN IN LIFE THAT YOU COULDN'T SPEND ONE NIGHT LEARNING HOW TO DO THE SAN ANTONIO SNAPPER? ... HOW DO YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND FEELS ABOUT THIS?

KYLE:  Hey hun, the girls are thinking of getting together and having this porn star teach us some sex moves, do you think I should go?

KYLE'S HUSBAND: (Spits out his water all over the place.)

KYLE: Yeah, it's not for me. I think I'll just stay home and read some blogs.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!? ... POOR DECISION #3!

Tina Turns felt comfortable enough to kick her shoes off while hanging out in the back of this abandoned van.

Maybe these women wouldn't be having total mental breakdowns and problems with their soon-to-be-dead husbands if they stopped and thought about their decision making from time to time. I mean, look at Tim Teebs, that guy sucks at football, but he's doing all right for the Broncos because he doesn't turn the ball over and makes good decisions. Look at Herman Cain and where he's at because of the decisions he's made. Look at my wife, my poor, poor wife who is currently having to deal with the consequences of saying the words "I do." Tina Turns flipped the script. It's not too late for these Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to fix their lives too. Well, it is for the dead guy, but he's not really a housewife is he?

I'll close with this: a guy that I used to work with once told me, "There's no such thing as bad people. Just good people who make bad decisions." Well, that guy was an idiot -- and he later got fired for nailing our co-worker in the copy room.

So maybe these Beverly Hills ladies are doomed after all.

Except for Brandi, she's dope.

Classy Freddie Blassie.

Possibly invented the San Antonio Snapper.

I sure did go a little overboard with all the "dead guy" jokes, huh? Oh, get over it. And check out this picture of a guy who loves the dead.

You Should Watch This Lady on Jeopardy! Tonight. She's Got Huge Yammers!

Bonus points for glasses ... Wombo Whopper points for gargantuan tators.

This lady Kendra has been killin' it on Jep the last two nights -- not just with her enormous whoppers, but also with her almost-as-enormous intellect. My wife thinks she needs a better bra. I think she's dope the way she is. I'm sorry that I'm a pervert. 

And here's her Facebook page which honestly doesn't do her justice.

I know you're thinking, "Geez, Ev, calm yourself down. It's not always about tators!"

But you honestly have to see her yams.

I'm also really sorry at where this blog has gone ... right down the gutter. I think I need an intervench.

I'll take "San Antonio Saggers" for $400 Alex.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Us Weekly

But is the baby ready for them?!?!

On a crisp Black Friday morning, you've just finished watching a 1981 Rockets-Celtics game on NBATV where Moses Malone completely dominated the boards, but still couldn't overcome Boston's Big Three. It was a great two hours, but there's more to life than watching old basketball games that your wife claims, "DON'T EVEN MATTER BECAUSE THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN PLAYED AND THERE'S SO MUCH LAUNDRY TO BE FOLDED WHAT THE FREAK."

Contemplating your next move, you notice that your wife has left the latest issue of Us Weekly on the couch -- she must've picked it up at the grocery store yesterday -- which is fine, she's entitled to ocassionally purchase dogshit magazines, I mean, geez, she is the one who does most of the shopping afterall.

Princess Kate Middleton is on the cover, apparently she and Prince Willy are comtemplating have a baby. You sort of like Wilbert, in fact, you've always respected any man who embraces his baldness, like Bruce Willis or Mary Carillo.

You have two options:

Pick up the mag and see what else Us Weekly has to offer (maybe pics of Rhianna grinding a horse?). Also, the cover reveals that Cameron Diaz is dating Diddy?!?! Get outta here! And he really is going with the whole "Diddy" thing now isn't he? No more Puff Daddy? No more Puff? Just Diddy. You want that mag. You need that mag. (GO TO OPTION RED #1)

or

Put the COT-damn magazine down and get on with your life! Do anything else. Take a shower. Rake some leaves. Rake the f*cking shower. Do something! And Lord knows you could use a workout. JUST PUT THE MAGAZINE DOWN. (GO TO OPTION BLUE #1)

Okay, the Samsung Phone-Bot 2000 doesn't take the bessst pictures.

RED #1 -- Settling back in that couch, you open up to a page titled COUNTRY STRONG -- which shows six white women with protruding collar bones like your mother's friend Judy (who you've NEVER seen eat a salad with salad dressing). You sort of recognize a few of them (Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood and LeAnn Rimes) and have never heard of the others (Jennifer Nettles, Kellie Pickler and Miranda Lambert) although secretly you have heard of Miranda Lambert, but you still don't know who she is. This somehow makes you feel okay about yourself and what you're doing with your Black Friday morning.

You can now either:

Turn the page -- who knows what you'll find next?!?! Besides, all of these women were wearing floor length gowns and you will NOT read this magazine without seeing at least ONE barefoot beauty. (GO TO OPTION RED #2)

or

Look, the wife's still sleeping, you can still salvage this morning by going and pumping off. (GO TO OPTION GREEN #1)

BLUE #1 -- After chucking the magazine and seeing it land on the pile of clean clothes that you promised your wife you'd fold before she woke up, you sit on the couch and just kinda stare off into space. You do this for around nine seconds and realize there's no reason you shouldn't do this at least 35 times every day. This is amazing. Your toenails could also use a little bit of a clipping, but the toenail clipper is way upstairs and there's no way you're going to go grab that right now, besides, then you might wake your wife and completely screw up your morning. Also, you gotta clip your toe nails right after you get outta the shower -- everyone knows that! -- remember the last time you tried to just clip 'em all willy nilly, you had a sore toe for like three days!

THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER. WHAT A BRILLIANT DECISION TO PUT THAT MAGAZINE DOWN. YOU CAN LITERALLY DO WHATEVER YOU WANT RIGHT NOW. AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA DO ... YOU KNOW YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DEVIL .......... MAKE SOME BREAKFAST!

Should you:

Pop on a podcast and make some French Toast. I mean, the wife bought an entire loaf of French bread and Pain Perdu is NOT gonna make itself. Besides, you're a motherfuckin' French Toast MASTER! Let's go! (GO TO OPTION BLUE #2)

or

There is SO MUCH left-over turkey currently in your refridgerator, it would be SILLY not to make a triple-decker Boston Gobbler sandwich right now. And that's not even a thing! But it could be, and you're just the man to make it happen. ... W.W.M.M.D? ... YOU KNOW DAMN WELL MOSES MALONE WOULD MAKE THE BOSTON GOBBLER! (GO TO OPTION GREEN #2)

RED #2 -- You leaf through a couple ads and land on one for Jenny Craig featuring ... wait for it ... wait for it ... MARIAH! You knew it was worth it to take the red option! Red is always the right option! ... "Which panties should I wear tonight, honey?" ... RED! ... "Which one of these Hershey's Miniatures do you want, dude?" ... RED! ... Then again, Mariah is wearing some ridiculously horrible-looking shoes -- and are you really that surprised? It is Mariah for crying out loud. What'd you expect?

I'll make it happen. I'll make it happen right now.

Unacceptable.

You then come to a section called "Who Wore it Best?" which pits different celebs who you've never heard of wearing the EXACT SAME OUTFIT and you get to judge which one of them looks better.

You can either:

Cover up the results with your hand and try to judge "Who Wore it Best?" and then compare your decision to that of Us Weekly's poll. (GO TO OPTION RED #3)

or

Just keep zipping along. There's gotta be some fresh pedicures in this mag. Or AT LEAST a little side boob action. (GO TO OPTION GREEN #1)

My friend the Heis Dad once bought himself the EXACT SAME Michigan t-shirt that he bought me for my Bar Mitzvah ... I mean, c'mon!

RED #3 -- WHAT?!?! Sandra Lee (whoever the freak that is) does NOT wear that dress better than Mariska Hargitay! How could 68% of the people be THAT wrong? Just look at their boobs! Sandra Lee's got droopers and Mariska's got yammers! This magazine is retarded and what the hell is going on in that perfume ad on the next page? What fragrance is Marc Jacobs is going for?  From the look of that emaciated white lady and her unconditioned hair, "Daisy" probably smells like shredded wheat.

You fly through the next couple of pages until you notice that Jake Pavelka aka the most boring Bach in the history of Bachs (even more boring that Johann Sebastian Bach!) has a new girlfriend who has ZERO pubic hairs sticking out of her one-piece bathing suit. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?! (not that she has zero pubes, but that a woman with zero pubes would date HIM?!?!)

Just like us, huh? So does their computer also constantly buffer when they try to watch YouTube vids of Moses Malone dunking on The Chief?

And sorry, but David Charvet and Brooke Burke are NOT "Just Like Us!" You have never (nor do you ever plan to) fed your wife fro-yo in the middle of the street. And if you did, AND IF YOU DID, you would NOT wear some dumb leather bracelet whilst doing so. And who is David Charvet?!?! Brooke Burke was so much more likable when she was doing Extacy with hairless dudes in Turks & Caicos. You need to go take your blood pressure medicashe.

BLUE #2 -- Yo, f*ck the bullisht, your high school guidance counselor didn't know shit about shit when he told you you needed to apply yourself if you ever wanted to succeed, 'cause look, you haven't applied yourself at one thing in this stupid world and you still just made a bomb-ass batch of Pain Perdu. That isht is dynamite and how frickin' amazing is it that your wife actually bought powdered sugar at the market yesterday?!?! What a woman! That stuff is never good for anything EXCEPT French Toast! YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD! And you didn't even jerk off yet, which means that if your wife wants to have sex with you at any point today you are GOOD TO GO. 

GO AHEAD WITH YOUR BAD SELF, YOU HAVE CARPE'D THIS DIEM!!

GREEN #1 -- How can you possibly concentrate on trying to pump off when your next door neighbor is right outside your window raking leaves? It'd be one thing if your neighbor was hot -- then you could peer out the window like you did that one time in college when those two chicks were sunbathing RIGHT below your bedroom window -- but your neighbor happens to look exactly Lou Carnesecca. Cut your losses, go make yourself some grub. (GO TO OPTION GREEN #2)

How bout that Timex on Sweet Lou?

GREEN #2 -- How much tupperwear can one woman put leftovers into? Did you even know you guys owned this much tupperwear? Geez, your fingers are killing you from opening and closing all those lids and who the hell wants to put this much work into making a sandwich?

ALSO, WHEAT BREAD? ... MULTI-GRAIN WHEAT BREAD? ... THAT'S the bread she buys?!?! ... Forget the Boston Gobbler, you just start eating turkey right outta the container, dry as a mug. This day has been a total waste.

Well, maybe not a total waste, the Us Weekly landed open on a page that shows Modern Family's stars before they were stars!

Check out Sofia Vergera!

Like cheddar cheese and my sexual deviance, I think she's gotten better with age. 

And that funny dude who played ball in high school!

I once told my friends that if I ever had a daughter, I wanted to name her "Ty." They all made fun of me (and rightly so).

Oh boy, souunds like your wife is awake. Clean up the sweet potatoes from the floor.

And the wall.

And wheat bread?!?! C'monnnnnnnnn.


Wait'll you see the TVMWW t-shirts that are coming out soon for the holidays. THEY FUCKING SUCK. You should buy one. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this amazing Bill Walton t-shirt that I wore to Thanksgizzles.

Wednesday's Wifey: J.R. Martinez's SAINT OF A GIRLFRIEND - Diana Jones

All young fellas from Shreveport, Louisiana, dream of one day beating Ricki Lake & Ron Artest in a dancing competition.

Growing up, a friend of mine had a three-legged dog. And while we played street hockey, that three-legged dog would run around on his three legs and do three-legged stuff like run funny and balance himself, and even though that three-legged dog was dope, all the kids in the neighborhood would still always be like, "Yo, that dog's got three legs! Let's go eat lunch! I love lunch!"

I loved that three-legged dog -- I mean, I didn't realllly love him, sure, yeah, I'd give him some of my lunch if he poked his three-legged nose around, but I wasn't gonna cuddle with him, that would be gross! -- but some folks (like his owners, the Pettits) loved that dog like he had four legs (remember, he didn't ... he only had 75% of the legs dogs are supposed to have). Those people were better than me.

Well, so is J.R. Martinez's girlfriend, Diana Jones, who loves him despite the fact that he only has two legs. He's a nice doggie!

Let's take a look at this lady!

Look at that. She looks like such a nice person! And he's leaning his you-know-what side of his face on her head. Looks like she's got a nice manicure too.

Although, that's actually a bit rude ... rubbing it in ... "Heyyy, look at me, I've got nice fingers!" F*ck you and your fingers lady!

"Ohhhh, I've got the nicest fingers in the world! Look at my thumb! It's perfect. Hey everybody! Come look at me and my boyfriend who won Dancing With the Stars but mostly look at this thumb of mine! It's so rounded at the right part and thumby on the other! My purse has sparkles!"

GET OVER YOURSELF LADY!

Karina looks ecstatic to be getting hugged, doesn't she? "Oh yeah, thanks dude. Yeah, hug me, awesome. All right, that's enough. That's fine. It was a nice dance, but c'mon, the cameras are off us. Dude, oh no no no no no no, it has nothing to do with your burns, it has nothing to do with your burns, it's just you were hugging me a little tight and I have bad ribs, that's all. It's just my ribs. Ohhh, my ribs! Ow! I gotta go get some ice for my burns. I mean, my ribs. I'm Russian, I don't understand what's going on!"

"Okayyyy, yeah, I'm so happy! Woo. Yeah, woo. Awesome, okay. Are we done with the interview? Just putting your hand right on my shoulder, aren't ya?"

And how 'bout Kobayashi in the background?!?!

Now here's another saint of a woman, Heidi Klum, who doesn't mind at all that her man got injured in Iraq. "I love Seal's scars," says Heidi. "I also love seals. I mean eating seals, like seal burgers. Have you ever had one? Verrrrrry tasty."**

**Not only did Heidi Klum not say this, no one has ever said this.

Any idea who this sexy vixen is? She's also a very nice person (who apparently is so nice that she doesn't have to wear a brazier). Here name is Dana ... does that do anything for ya?

Dana Reeve! What a saint! That guy was Superman! And then he became a guy who couldn't do stuff. But she didn't care that he couldn't do stuff. She still loved him. I mean, she probably loved him more when he could do stuff, but she still loved him! And that says more that you can say about not liking your spouse when he or she throws his or her back out and can't do stuff.

So those two pictures of Diana Jones above, yeah, those are like the only two pictures of her online. But this lady's name is Diana Jones too, and she's a singer-songwriter who sings boring dumb songs. I mean, look how boring and dumb she is. Although, how comfortable does that couch look? "I'm sittttttttting on a couch and I'm playyyyyyyying a guitar." (That was her singing.)

This Diana Jones was a fugitive sex boss from Wales and I'm not yoking. She ran a brothel in the U.K. and eventually ended up going to jail. I know what you're thinking about her boobs, I know what you're thinking. So we don't even have to say it. We don't have to say anything about her boobs.

AS MUCH AS WE WANNA SAY STUFF, LET'S JUST BE NICE PEOPLE AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PRETTY PICTURE IN THIS BLOGPOST, OKAY?

Oh, bonjour! This Diana Jones is from FRANCH! Or at least, the words on the website where I got it were all in French. So far, she is my favorite sex boss Diana Jones. No idea if she's a nice person or not, but I would guess from her sultry boss-boobs smile, she's very very nice.

THIS Diana Jones is Amish! Yeah, a real Amish person (who apparently lets people use cameras to take pictures of her????). I know this because I found her picture on a website called AmishLiving.com (and I'm not yoking again!). Her particular page was set to private and said, "You must be a member of Amish Living to view this page."

BUT I'M NOT EVEN AMISH AND I SAW IT!

Diana Jones, mortgage broker from Illinois. Probably the kinkiest one of them all.

"Voulez-vous Ski-Doo avec moi ce soir?!?!"

OUI OUI MADEMOISELLE!

NICE BUTT!



Hey, have a great Thanksgizzles folks. Personally, I'm very thankful that there's a woman out there who is not disgusted by my bare baloney-butt. What are you thankful for? Leave a comment! Or don't and just check out this picture of a lady who looks like she's riding a magic carpet.

RHOA Quiz: What Type of Fan are You?

Right back at ya girlfriend! Also, kind of amazed she doesn't have a tatt on her left bicep. (Racist?)

So much of this website is "Hey, I've got something to say, you should read this, my wife does this, blah blah blah, I'm a dude, please kill me, sports inside joke, titboob..." so I thought it'd be a good time for you to actually get something out of reading this blorg.

So ladies, here's a little quiz for you to find out what kind of a Real Housewives of Atlanta fan you are. And don't worry, you don't have to actually watch the show to take the quiz. I gotta be honest, I haven't seen the show in two weeks and I'm still blogging about it.

My overall knowledge of the Real Housewives of A.T.L. is:

A) I’ve seen a few eps, but I gotta admit, I probably won’t end up reading this entire blog post. In fact, I’m already tempted to just scroll down and look at the pictures.

B) I’m a die hard. NeNe for life, yo.

C) I mean c’mon, do I really need to know anything about the show to take this dumb quiz? It’s a bunch of black chicks. And a white chick. And they do stuff.

When NeNe says things like, “Damn, girl! You be throwing those legs back?!” … that means:

A) I have no idea. I have a very hard time understanding black people.

B) That somebody’s getting some donk-donk!

C) All right, we’re two questions in and this already seems racist. That being said, I too like to throw my legs back de temps en temps.

If a woman pronounces the word “dildo” as “deeeel-doe,” then:

A) She probably has more experience with a deeldoe than I do.

B) I wanna hang out with that lady!

C) Once again, undercover racism. We should not judge people by the way they talk. That aside, I absolutely love dildos.

I had a buddy named The Shark who used to do that same "tongue bite" to try and get chicks.

Kim Zolciak claims to be 33 years old:

A) That’s the white lady, right? Yeah, if she’s 33, then my name’s Dan Dierdorf.
(by the way, if this is in fact Dan Dierdorf, I’d just like to say 1) thanks for reading and 2) I’ve always admired your mustache.) 

B) Look, I kinda like Kim, I really do, but I have a hard time believing she’s 33. I would also like to boink her fiancé.

C) OH HAY’LL NO, that bitch is not 33. I mean, judging from the picture of her on this blogpost, I don’t think she’s 33. I've never actually seen her. I don't watch that show. Is there an option D?

When NeNe said last week that she needs a man who is “y’know, a good eater.” I thought:

A) Once again, no idea what she’s talking about. There was once this black girl who was my lab partner in 11^th grade chemistry class, I think her name was Sharia, and I went an entire semester not knowing what the fuck she was talking about. She was great at mixing up chemicals and stuff though. We got an A.

B) Eating p*ssy is the #1 quality I look for in a man. Being able to fingerblast me while telling me I look skinny is #2.

C) I mean, obviously I want to choose option B, but can we please discuss how racist option A was?!?! I’m still choosing B though!

When NeNe occasionally lifts up her arm and has deodorant flakes in there, I think:

A) I don’t think that’s racist, but that seriously might be racist!

B) You would not believe how many deodorant flakes I currently have in my armpits.

C) I am so incredibly sex deprived.

Whenever Phaedra’s husband Apollo is on screen:

A) No idea who Apollo is, but I’d probably boink him.

B) I think that the fact that he’s a convicted felon makes him that much hotter.

C) I scream, “PLEASE TAKE YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT OFF AND RUB OIL ON YOUR CHEST ... ANY OIL, I HONESTLY DON’T CARE WHAT OIL … JUST RUB IT ALL OVER … CORN OIL, BABY OIL, MOTOR OIL … IS CORN OIL EVEN AN OIL? ... I'M GOING TO CORNOIL.COM RIGHT NOW.”

The chick that looks like Beverly Johnson is:

A) Way prettier than me. And I hate her.
B) In a tough relationship with a fella who's probably very difficult to live with. I know a little something about that because I too live with a dicknose.
C) All right, just checked out CornOil.com ... it's not a website, but there is a ChinaCornOil.com and that site didn't have one goddam picture of a shirtless male Chinese gymnast.

RESULTS

A) If you chose mostly A's, you are a racist.
B) If you chose mostly B's, you are my wife.
C) If you chose mostly C's, you are Kandi ... and you deserve some lovin'! ... and by "lovin'" I mean "sex!" 

Why don't I watch this show?!?! ... probably because my computer is always buffering.

Did you watch that Woody Allen jawn I told you to watch on PBS? You should've. 
Oh, who cares, right? But you should definitely check out this picture of a dude about to zipline over a gorge ... also, I have no idea what a gorge is.

So I Tried To Talk To My Wife About Maksim Chmerkovskiy and His Attitude Problem

Thinking about getting a scarf this winter.

Earlier today, Us Weekly tweeted that "Hothead" Maksim Schmerkobskiebs had angered the Dancing With the Stars cast and crew this season with his overall poor attitude (pronounced AT-TEE-TOOD).

And because I share similar thoughts about my wife (who LOVES Maks), I figured I'd ask TVMWW's muse about everyone ripping into her favorite Ukranian Beau Hunk. We met in our kitchen while she unpacked some groceries and I followed her around with a clipboard.

Me:  So Dar, what time do you think you're gonna want dinner?

My Wife:  Pretty soon, I'm really hungry. 

Me:  (trying to write stuff down)

My Wife:  Are you writing this down?

Me:  (still trying to write stuff down)

My Wife:  Are you writing th...

Me:  So everyone's all upset with Maks, and you like the guy, but what do you like about him besides his good looks and sexy dance moves?

My Wife:  What else do you need?

Me:  Well it's just that ...

My Wife:  I mean, he's not my husband. He's just a guy I like on TV.

Me:  What about the fact that he's a jerk?

My Wife:  I don't think he's a jerk. I think he's just misunderstood.



Misunderstood his hairstylist.


Me:  You seem to have a habit of liking dudes that are misunderstood. Like Latrell Sprewell, and ... well, like Latrell Sprewell. Why do you think you gravitate to dudes like that?

My Wife:  Well, I think it's the whole, "Don't tell me what to do" thing. I'll like who I wanna like. And it's only a negative for Maks when his attitude gets in the way.

Me:  So always.

My Wife:  Unfortunately, I think his partners are often viewed less favorably because they're attached to him. Which is difficult because it's a contest. And it shouldn't be about him. But he has a point! I mean, he hasn't had bad partners, but when Derek got Jennifer Grey, I think he got Kirstie Alley. I mean, Dirty Dancing, y'know?

Me:  Yeah, but Derek has Ricki Lake now. And she's from Chubbsville.

My Wife:  It's not about being from Chubbsville.

Me:  Maks had Hope Solo. And she's a professional athlete.

My Wife:  Yeah, you'd think she would've been better.

Me:  Are you eating cashews?

My Wife:  Yeah.

Me:  Gimme some.

At this point, my wife kept talking, but I was eating a lot of cashews and got really thirsty. Then I made a smoothie. And then for some reason my wife started singing "My Prerogative" by Bobby Briz.

So there's the first TVMWW post in the last ten days.




Dancing With the Stars ends this week with a 2-part finale Mondee and Tuesdee. You can watch it on ABC. Or you can watch the 2-part documentary about Woody Allen tonight and tomorrow on PBS. Check out this pic of the Wood-Man in high school. Or look at this woodchuck eating an apple.

This Commercial is HILARIOUS ... But Could Also Potentially Change My Life

This Video is Friggin' Brilliant

If you watched Parks and Rec last week, you might remember a cameo by a dude who was applying for Tom Haverford's old job. Well, the video above is that dude interviewing people at the 2010 Lakers championship parade. Poss the funniest thing I've seen in a long time (and that includes a recent episode of Sesame Street where I saw Cookie Monster eat a telephone).

The Evster's NFL 9/17ths Season Review

I believe the word to describe this picture is, "bladdow!"

Techhhhhnically, my wife watches a lot of football. Granted, it's only because I put it on, but she still watches games (slash falls asleep during 'em). So what better place to post an NFL 9/17ths Season Review than on TV Me Weef Wooches. Also, this is my friggin' blog and I'll post about whatever I damn well please. Look, I'm even gonna paste a picture of a squirrel just because I can.

Boom!

Squirrel!

Of course, I do realize that most of my 17 readers are female and maybe 9 of them can tolerate watching football, so I will try to write about topics that appeal to both football and non-football fans. And ladies, if you're bored, just scroll down and look at the pictures like this one of former Beagles and Niners (and Browns, Raiders, Bucs and Omaha Nighthawks) quarterback, Jeff Garcia.

Nice glutes.

MERRIL HOGE HAS STAKED HIS CLAIM AS THE PREEMINENT DOUCHER IN ALL OF FOOTBALL
Some dudes just look like total dickbags: Jay Cutler, Rick Santorum, any guy who brings two rackets with him to play tennis, but Merril and his thick tie knot trumps them all. A few weeks ago during a rant on ESPN NFL Countdown, Merril was going off about how he would NEVER ask to be taken out of a ballgame, because he's the toughest dude ever and even once played with a broken arm. Even Keyshawn Johnson (a doucher in his own right) was taken aback when Hoge said he'd NEVER asked out, saying something like, Dude, you can say all that on TV, but sometimes you just need a rest ... but Hoge persisted to douche it up. Probably because he's a douche. Also, his middle name is DuAine and he's originally from Idaho. And his son's name is Beau.

Dr. Douchenstein speaks at a seminar where people learn how to suck their own dicks.

I actually just googled Beau Hoge and was scrolling through his Twitter feed and I kinda like him! He's a freshman QB in Kentucky and just a dumb high school kid who tweets pictures of him and his dumb high school friends doing dumb high school stuff that high school kids do -- like eat ribs and mess around in Science class. I sort of feel bad now making fun of his father, but I guess some people just have to accept that their fathers are dicknoses.

It's actually amazing how annoying NFL analysts are these days. Boomer's rumblin, bumblin act is tired, Mike and Mike's schtick is predictable ... Heyyy, I'm a weenie! ... Hey, I'm big and dumb! ... I think the only guy I like is Shannon Sharpe and he may actually be a horse. My wife prefers the College Gameday crew, specifically Kirk Herbstreit, who she says, "His hair is looking a bit orange and yellow these days, but he's still the best looking guy to watch talk about football." My wife also likes Mark May, who she claims has the shortest name in the world, even shorter than St. Louis Cardinals' outfielder, Jon Jay.

Say it:

MarkMay. MarkMay. MarkMay.

JonJay. JonJay. JonJay.

My wife also pointed out to me how often NFL commentators say the word "football." Listen for it. Instead of saying, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting player who just has a knack for making plays." They'll say, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting football player who just has a knack for making football plays." Is that really necessary? I mean, we're watching the game. We know what he's playing and we know what he's good at. It's not like they'd be saying, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting Yahtzee player ... he did a great job there of giving up a chance at the large straight and going for a full house. And y'know what? He got it. A fine Yahtzee play by a great Yahtzee player."

He's no Jeff Garcia.

TIM MUTHAFUCKIN' TEBOW
My two fantasy QBs are Tebow and Joe Bitch Ass Flacco. Flacco is fine, he does okay, he's Flacco. He's servicable, he's Flacco, he can't move at all, he's Flacco, he throws a decent ball, he's Flacco, he's fine, he may not actually know how to walk slash run, he's Flacco.

But Tebow ....

Tim Teebs is by far the most exciting fantasy football player to have on your team, because he's just SO BAD at football. I mean, he literally cannot throw a football anywhere near his wide receivers, and yet he still makes some amazing plays and gets the job done and puts up whopper weeks in fantasy thanks to his bulldozing runs and occassional completions. If you haven't seen him play for the Broncos, you gotta check him out. HE'S HORRIFIC (slash amazing), it's like he's never played quarterback before. I've had trade offers for Matt Schaub and Phillip Rivs and had to turn 'em down because every snap Tebow takes he has the potential to truck a dude and throw a jump pass.

Check out Keanu behind Teebs trying to get by! ... "Uhhh, excuse me Tim. Timmy. Yo, dude ..." 

That's a nice necklace.

I don't even think Jesus himself bagged tail like this. 

I have a friend (another dicknose by the way) who has never played football, never strapped on the pads, but claims he could start at QB at a school like Muhlenburg. This guy throws nothing but flutterballs, but honestly thinks he could play Division II football (and start at QB!). He pleaded with us to let him quarterback our flag football team and honestly led the league in pick 6's. He reminds me of Tebow. Only he's a Jew.

My wife of course is NOT HAPPY that I have Tebow on my squad, because of his views on aborsh. She said, "I don't understand why he doesn't master his first job (quarterbacking) before branching out into other things like telling women what to do with their uteruses. Hey Tebow, the next time you get a uterus, then you can tell me what to do with mine. And also, don't tell me what to do."

For the record, "don't tell me what to do" is my wife's mantra.

"Dar, don't eat that ghost pepper. It's really hot. Plus it's laced with LSD."

"Don't tell me what to do."

Pops in pepper.

Emergency room.

Good for you, buddy!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE RUN THE BALL LIKE ADRIAN PETERSON. THE DUDE IS A BEAST. I'M ALSO NOT SURE HOW TO SPELL "ADRIAN."
AP has had a couple of mindblowing runs this year where he's juked, kept his knees moving, spun and blasted defenders on his way to the endzone. He runs so hard and so fast -- I've never seen anyone like him. I guess the closest comparison to his leg churning running style would be Roger Craig or Ricky Watters, but comparing AP to them is like comparing my Muhlenburg buddy to Slingin' Sammy Baugh.

It seems like this year the NFL is filled with one-of-a-kind players. Calvin Johnson is a freak, it's just not fair that anyone ever has to match up with him. Shady McCoy slithers around the field like Prince, and Wes Welker is the best whitey receiver since Steve Largent. I know, I know, that's not really saying much, but he still makes us proud.

Here's my 9/17ths of a season All-Pro team:

QB: Aaron Rodgers - On pace to throw 174 touchdowns. And my wife thinks he's really good looking, which is terrifying, because I think he looks exactly like my friend DickDog. (Note to self: keep DickDog and his dick and his dog away from my wife.)
RB: Shady McCoy - The local Philadelphia sports talk radio station aka "The channel where people complain about stuff" recently mixed up that "Moves like Jagger" song to "Moves like Shady." It's amazingly just as annoying / incredible as the Maroon 5 jawn.
RB: Freddie Jax - Tough to leave off AP, Forte and Ray Rizzle, but it's nice to have a good player from the Bills on the squad. At a sports bar a few weeks ago, there was a female Bills fan watching their game and literally living and dying with every play. She was also kind of cute and black -- two things I never thought I'd find in a person from Buffalo.
Waterbug: Darren Sproles - This guy's been incredible! He just zips all over the place, zippin' around, making (football) plays and rubbing it in fantasy owners' faces that they didn't pick him up after week 1.
WR: Megatron - I would love to watch him eat a steak dinner.
WR: Wes Welks - Scouting report: gritty (white), good route runner (white), great hands (white), knows how to find the soft spot in the zone (white), has Michael Buble on his iPod (really white).
WR: Steve Smith - Living proof that Jake Delhomme and Matt Moore suck at throwing a football.
TE: Jimmy Graham - Never heard of this guy until he lit up my fantasy team. Thanks Jimmy!
Offensive line: Look, I gotta be honest here, I have no idea who's a good O Lineman and who sucks. So let's go with ...
LT: Jonathan Ogden
LG: Willie Roaf
C: Kevin Mawae
RG: Cleveland "Pancake" Jenkins
RT: Michael Oher
KR/PR: Patrick Peterson - His 99yd tuddy last week was insane.
K: Lionel Messi - Finally got a decent haircut!

I wouldn't really call that the best hairstyle.

And instead of pretending like I know who's having a good defensive year, let's just say this:

CHARLES WOODSON IS THE COOLEST DUDE EVER
The guy's like 45 at this point and he's still getting picks, sacking QBs and stuntin' on the sideline like a boss. I can honestly say that there is no one in this world I'd rather be. Well, except these guys.






THE REDZONE CHANNEL SHOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL INVENTION SINCE THE PIZZA CUTTER INTERNET
I equate the development of the Redzone Channel to the introduction of porn onto the internet. Before the web, you were subjected to the same four or five Penthouse magazines underneath your bed that you had stolen from your older cousin. Whenever you were looking for a good time, you could select from the scene where the girls were getting frisky around the campfire (with wool socks on) or the lady who thought it'd be a good idea to get railed on a sailboat (turns out it was a good idea).

Then, Al Gore showed up and opened up an entire world of rim jobs. Now, we fast forward through scenes, zip back, and select whatever we want, whenever we want it. (By the way, if anyone knows any good campfire sites, let a brotha know.) There was a time when we were subjected to whatever game CBS and Fox decided to broadcast, but the Redzone Channel brings us every game without the seven minute handjobs.

I also once had a girlfriend who was convinced that she had a knife that cut pizza better than a pizza cutter. We once had this excruciatingly painful conversation:

Her:  Yeah, use this knife. It's better than a pizza cutter. 

Me:  Ehhh, I dunno. A pizza cutter is made to cut pizza.

Her:  Yeah, but this one's better.

Me:  Right, but this is a pizza cutter. 

Her:  So's this. 

Me:  No, that's just a knife. I'm not sure you understand what's going on here. This is a pizza cutter. That's what it's called. That's the only thing it does. It's made to cut pizza. Have you ever even used a pizza cutter?

Her:  Well no, I just know this one's better ...

Me: Well you're wrong. This is like a guy having ants in his house and being like, "Well, I'm gonna use a vacuum to slurp up all the ants, even though I've got this perfectly good anteater right here who's very very hungry. Cause the vacuum works great!"

Pretty sure she dumped me soon after that.

I mean, it's called a "pizza-cutter!"

SPEAKING OF HANDJOBS, WHAT'S UP WITH HAMSTRINGS?
These guys are top-flight athletes, more jacked than the dudes on The Bachelorette, yet they can't get through a few weeks without tweaking their hammies? There haven't been this many hamstring tweaks since my friends stole my Penthouses in middle school. Clearly, that last sentence didn't make sense, but something must be wrong with these athletes' workout regimens or bedframes or barcaloungers because hamstrings have turned into this generation's polio. Also, what's polio?

FOOTBALL PLAYERS ON TWITTER SHOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL INVENTION SINCE THE REDZONE CHANNEL
I've already blabbed about how much I love Twitter after my conversashe with Josh Scobee, but here's some other players who I love following on Twitty Twang.

Desean Jax - I have no idea what he's ever talking about.

And then there's OchoCinco who likes to tweet to his fiancé Evelyn Lozada.

SOME OTHER QUICK THOUGHTS BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY ANYONE IS STILL READING THIS

- Even though the Beagles are 3-5, they're still sorta the most exciting team ever.
- Mark Sanchez is not good at football.
- It's so nice that the Cowboys are irrelevant.
- Cam Newts!
- I know people are excited about the Bengals, but they still have to face the Ravens and Steelers twice each the rest of the seez.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IS BETTER THAN MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PARTIALLY BECAUSE IT'S BETTER AND PARTIALLY BECAUSE DANCING WITH THE STARS AND REAL HOUSEWIVES IS ON MONDAYS. 
Every relationship gets to a point where the husband watches the game on one TV while the wife watches some other crap on another (and secretly sends dirty text messages to dudes). Well, my wife runs my life our house with an iron fist and DOES NOT ALLOW multiple TVs. She maintains that the bedroom is for SLEEPING (and other stuff more sleeping) and that couples who don't hang out eventually unravel.

Well, I'm unraveling. I can't take watching RHOBH instead of football and missing plays like 99 yard tudds by Wes Welker (THAT I MISSED EARLIER THIS YEAR WHILE RICKI LAKE WAS DOING THE PASO DOBLE ... AND I HAVE WELKER ON MY FANTASY SQUAD).

To be honest though, I'm actually okay with where my life is at this point and missing the occasional 99 yard tudd. Before my wife came into my life, I sat on the couch all day Sundee watching games in my sweatpants and did the same on Monday nights. Now I still plop on the couch all day Sundee, but I get to spend Monday nights with her, watching whatever garbage she feels like putting on. And sometimes she makes cookies.

Married life is actually kind of nice. I'm happy to share a living room with her.

Plus, she's the primary breadwinner in our household.

I mean her household.



Believe it or not, I'm actually almost qualified to write about football. I spent two years making $8/hr at NFL Films as a logger and was the starting QB on the 2001 Philadelphia Sport and Social League champion flag football team, the Chicken Flaps. This talking Master P doll was our mascot.