The Power's Out - The Bats are Back - And I have a Fantasy Football Draft to Prepare For

Kinda hard to watch TV with Irene and Señor Bat around.  

Please excuse the lack of recent posts. I've been running around the house with a flashlight in my mouth trying to catch a bat with a butterfly net.

Last night, I actually got me a bat.

However, I currently have zero fantasy football mags. That might be the bigger problem.

In TVMWW's absence - and in honor of the MTV Video Music Awards that I secretly watched at my friend Law's house and still have no idea what Kreayshawn is - please enjoy the most erotic music video ever made.





Find Bat Battle Part Uno here. 
And read Bat Update aka Bapdate heeeeere. 

Jersey Shore: Today's Word is "Gully" ... andddddddd "Neck Brace"

I'm looking for a black V-neck, maybe with silver feathers on the shoulders? And a skull and crossbones across the front?

gully

Just as thug derives from the Indian thuggee cult, gully is taken from the Indian definition of "street". The literal translation is alley. Gully, in Indian languages means dirty, street, dangerous. The origins of these words is Sanskrit. US - Keep it gully! - Keep it raw/street. India - That guy has respect in the gully - That guy has respect in the streets. My Wife - It's about to get gully - Stop watching soccer or I'll seriously rip your balls off.

Well, I never thought Ron-Ron would teach me a new vocabulary word, but I also never thought I'd see a grown man jumping into walls, provoking a gorilla to attack him - all while slobbering all over his own chin (and the floor!).

Slobberfest 2011 was incredible, but I'm not sure if Donkey-Rong truly understands the meaning of getting "gully." I mean, is taking someone's bed and throwing it all over the apartment really keeping it street?

I doubt there's a gang in North Philly that's currently smoking blunts in some staircase, scheming their next hit like, "Yo, yo, check it out, check it out. I know how to get back at T-Bone and them. Yo, late one night, we break into that muhhf**ka's house, knock over all his sh*t, and flip that n***a's bed, yo! We throw his mattress all over the place! His sheets, his box-spring, his cup of water that's been sitting on his end table for like 6 days and never been drank! Let's get gully on that muhhfugga. N***a won't know where to sleep!"

Also, did you notice how careful I was with all those asterisks on the ole N word? I used like 12 of them muhhfuhggas!

This is how real Gullys get down ... motherf***in' beach ballin'. 

You knew it was time for some action when Ron-Ron started talking to himself, though. That's never a good sign. I'd like to think that talking to yourself is a sign of true mental problems - or steroid use - but c'mon, it's pretty common. My friend Chicken claims that after a hard day of teaching, she'll spend her entire car ride home in a full fledged conversation with herself. After playing FIFA, I have entire press conferences breaking down AC Milan's performance. I was really impressed with Pato today. The young Brazilian is really coming on. Obviously, I'd like to see more from Ambrosini on the pitch - he is the skipper after all - but he picked up a knock. We'll hold him out of training this week so that he can be fit for our next match. Naploi always plays us hard, and Cavani is in great form.

So now MTV will make us wait an entire week (that is, if we survive this hurricane) to see Sitch in a neck brace. Here's the thing though, why does MTV break up the most exciting part of the show - teasing it for next week - but ALSO show us exactly what's going to happen on the scenes from the next? We know Sitch gets popped, we know he gets injured and we know he ends up in a Rue McClanahan neck brace. So what's my incentive to watch? Also, why am I asking so many rhetorical questions? There's another!

Let's go Redman!





Wanna get into the next TVMWW mailbag? Send questions, comments or quommenstions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com


Or, check out the gulliest pair of boots ever!

Wednesday's Wifey: Kim Kardashian - The World's Hottest Chick Who's Not Actually That Hot, But Is Still Hot, But Not As Hot As She Should Be

This is honestly just a picture of Kim Kardash eating an ice cream cone. 

Kim Kardashian should be the "world's hottest chick". She's beautiful, Armenian, and has more curves than a meatball hoagie. But Kim Kardashian is not the hottest chick on the planet (she's around 4th), because something is missing from Kim Kardash. And that something is nothing. Nothing is missing. We know everything. So what's missing is something, but it's nothing, because she shows us everything. I swear this made sense when I was jotting down my notes.

Thanks to her TV shows, Twitter feed and the world's most boring sex tape, we know EVERYTHING there is to know about Kim Kardash. We know about her upbringing, her parents, that she works out a lot, she gets cranky, she writes "lol" and "xoxo", she gets snippy with her mother (understandable), her sisters gang up on her 'cause they're not as pretty as her (also understandable), but they'll never admit to this, and Kim secretly thinks it, and it's totally true, IT'S TOTALLY TRUE, but still Kim feels insecure that her sisters don't like her, so she namedrops and gets her eyebrows done and wears Zumba pants and eats more salad than any cow in any Armenian village.

There is no mysteriousness to her game. She has thrown it all out there - for better or for worse - and it just keeps getting worse. She's kinda boring - and she's kind of annoying - and her sex tape with Ray J was a total snoozefest - and yeah, she's really hard working and yeah she seems like a nice enough person and yeah I really wanna like her - but now she's got psoriasis and you just can't be the "world's hottest chick" with psoriasis and that sex tape was REALLY boring.

And then also now she's got psoriasis.

Bottom line: this is NOT what I want in the fourth hottest chick on the planet.

Once again, just a lady eating a strawberry. Seriously. 

When I was about 7, the "world's hottest chick" in my mind was Pia Zadora, thanks to a poster that hung in my bedroom with Pia bent over a red Ferrari. I knew nothing about Pia other than she really needed that car to be buffed, and she was NOT about to walk over to the other side to do so. I don't even know if it was Pia's car - coulda been a friend's - I just knew that she was a super hot chick with a really clean car that apparently was not clean enough.

If Pia had a Twitter feed, I probably would've found out that she was an obsessive compulsive cleaner with magazines placed on her coffee table at acute angles so that everyone could see the top left hand corner of each one. I also probably would've been disgusted when she responded to tweets from her friends @KathieLeeGifford and @MarioLopez. But she didn't. She just had a shammy and a bikini and the world's most photogenic assbutt.

Pia, it's getting dark, you should probably remove that bikini from your assbutt and come on in. Also, Diff'rent Strokes starts in like, 20 minutes. 

In the world of hot chicks, less is more. The less we know about you, the hotter you are. The less clothes that cover up your assbutt, the hotter your assbutt is. So looking back at the hottest ladies of my formative years, what did 7 year-old Evster really know?

Christie Brinkley: she had a thing for goofy dudes like Clark Griswold and also drove a Ferrari. Note to 7 year-old Evster: get a friggin Ferrari. Note to readers: I drive a 1999 Nissan Altima that has a leak in the roof and smells like mildew. Also, the cup holder has around 7 cents that are permanently lodged in some gook there. I actually don't even really drive it anymore, I normally take my wife's car. She's not happy about this. There's also so many socks in the trunk.

Elle McPherson: tall and Australian, probably a fairly decent volleyball partner.

Macho Man's girl Miss Elizabeth: not sure if she could speak.

Chicks from Penthouse magazines that I found under my cousin's bed: well, they loved to keep their socks on while getting rim jobs, I knew that. Maybe they had poor circulation? Possibly smokers?

I didn't know much, BUT THESE CHICKS WERE HOT.

Sambas.

The woman that changed the game was Pam Anderson - who let us into her world with the Tommy Lee sex tape. She was the first "world's hottest chick" who we truly got to "know" in the biblical sense. When the tape came out, we learned of Pam's love of sailing, her love of getting railed, but also her love of baby talking to Tommy Lee. Ugh, downright disgusting. Also, Tommy Lee (or even Tommy Chong) would slug me right in the tits if they knew how much I baby talked with my wife.

Later, as Pam became a bigger and bigger star, we were dragged into her PETA nonsense and relationship with Kid Rock. Suddenly she went from super-ridiculously-hot-slutty-lady to annoying-whatever-seriously that's the dumbest barbed wire tattoo ever you should totally date Brian Urlacher-lady. Similar to Pam in their downfalls were Kathy Ireland (Necessary Roughness), Tyra Banks (America's Next Top Lunatic) and every chick who ever pledged a Jewish sorority at the University of Maryland.

The only woman who was ever able to buck this trend was Jessica Simps, who went from country-cute-girl-next-door to duncey-reality-idiot back to slutty-sex-kitten all simply because John Mayer called her "sexual napalm." Now, to this day, no one knows what the hell John Mayer was talking about (or is ever talking about), but most of us took that to mean she was explosive between the sheets (in a good way), although Mayer could've been saying she was disgusting and suffocating (but I'm gonna believe what I wanna believe). Regardless, I'm DYING for her to take up sailing.

Holy f**king guacamole!

So now Kim Kardash is married and will probably get preggers and make PB&J sandwiches and drive her kids to soccer practice and "wow! they're just like us!" and she'll get loads of psoriasis ointment and will probably endorse some ointment and her kid will get psoriasis and Kris Humphries will get traded to Milwaukee and this is all so depressing because she really could've been the "world's hottest chick" and the Bucks franchise is a total joke which is such an insult to Sidney Moncrief and Paul Pressey.

As far as Pia Zadora, I have no idea what she's up to now, but I really hope she's sailing the seven seas ... preparing for her role in the upcoming National Lampoon's Cruise Vacation. Either that or endorsing a different kind of ointment.





I live tweeted eating a cheeseburger last night. Absolutely riveting stuff. Follow TVMWW here.
Or just check out this dog standing on some cheeseburgers.

Reader Mailbag - Bachelor Pad, The World's Worst People and High School Chicks

Apparently George The Animal Steele couldn't get an invite?

After posting last week about True Butt, I decided to make a concerted effort to cut down on butt jokes, dick jokes, titty-talk, etc. I’m not sure what the goal of this blog is – I guess it’s to get paid – but I can’t imagine anyone ever hiring me to write about clam-cocks. That being said, leaving out those jokes is REALLY HARD. Well, anyway, here are some emails from people who apparently are into that sort of thing.

Subject: worst show in the world

We've talked about how I soak myself in antiseptic after being made to watch the Kardashians, and how I have to leave the room when Sex and The City is on, but I've recently come home from work during lunch and been subject to a show that made me so mad I couldn't even eat. These goddamn doctors on Grey's Anatomy are making googly eyes at each other in the middle of a fucking spleen surgery. Do your fucking job, doctor!

- Nate, Boston

Thank God my wife doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, ‘cause that would drive me crazy – and when I say crazy, I mean crazy-horny. Seriously, is there anything hotter than a lady with a stethoscope? I’ve never seen the show – and I imagine it’s terrible – but my mother has a story that she likes to tell about inappropriate doctor stuff.

Around twenty years ago, my father was in the hospital for some routine surgery, and after he got zonked out on anesthesia, a nurse came in to check on him and was blown away when she saw the size of his balls. (For the record, my father has enormo-balls). So the nurse excuses herself, and returns minutes later with three other nurses, lifts up my dad’s sheet, and they all giggle like crazy. My mom claims she saw the whole thing and quite frankly, I think she’s actually proud to tell the story, like, “Hey, look at me, I married a dude with ox-balls.”

My wife (unclear how she feels about my scrote) actually watches 90210 when I’m not around, and it’s so frustrating to return home to. First of all, THAT SHOW SUCKS, and secondly, white people claim to watch it because “it’s hilarious!” and “Andrea is a slut!” but they’re lying - they actually like it! My wife gets legitimately angry with me when I make fun of the plotlines, to the point where she’s like, “Would you stop moaning and groaning and calling Andrea “Andrew”?! I don’t make fun of your shows! I don’t complain when Kevin Prince Boateng is friggin’ rolling around on the ground, pretending to be hurt in some soccer match. If you don’t wanna watch this show, then go upstairs and play with your balls that PALE in comparison to your father’s by the by!”

By the by, Kim Kardash is getting married this weekend to a guy whose career scoring average is 5.6 ppg.

If that's not the look of a guy who just jizzed in his pants, then my name's not Stan Furbletales.

Subject: TVMWW Reader Emails

There's going to be 17, high school aged girls on the stage in bathing suits and slutty dresses tomorrow night. Excited?

- Aubre, Illadelph

Aubre is referring to the 2011 Miss Ocean City Pageant that I attended last week (and where my wife was a judge) and let me just say IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Of the seventeen contestants, I’d say 85% of them could beat me in an arm-wrestling match - and not just because I have baloney arms - these ladies were jacked! I feel a little baaaad ripping on high-school girls, so I’ll try not to, but seriously, a couple of them had shoulders like goddamn mules!

One girl (who was possibly from Nebraska) sang the saddest song during the talent competition - Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” – and you could totally feel her pain. It was as if she was singing it to some surfer dude who probably copied her biology homework and ended up hooking up with her best friend. It was so sweet and so sad and so powerful and so melancholy and gave me the absolute biggest erection.

Subject: The Daughter From Real Housewives of NJ

Worst person on television? Or worst person in the world?

King Hippo slut pic?

- Dave, Boston

The socks and sandals is an interesting touch.

Wow, that’s certainly a dude wearing a King Hippo outfit.

You know, ever since I compared Ashley to The Fuhrer earlier this week, I’ve felt a little baaad. Not as baaad as I feel about comparing those pageant girls to livestock, but baaad. And I’ve been thinking, is she reallllly the worst person in the world? Let’s see how she stacks up next to the other worst people on the planet.  

Shawn Bradley - Most embarrassing basketball player ever. I mean, what is even going on in this picture? I hate white people.

Bentley - Is that a Mighty-Mac jacket? What the hell is wrong with Utah?

Chris Wheeler - Phillies broadcaster. Hasn't shut up since 19 ought 6.

Joe Giudice - Sort of shocked he's not wearing all-white sneakers in this picture. May be unfair to include him in this list considering he's probably having loads of trouble adjusting to life following the Mesozoic Era.

Ronnie and Sammi - No mas! 

Nick DiPaolo - Total doucher. Cool denim shirt though.

Andrea - Not pictured: his enormous dong.  

Eh, I think Ashley still takes the crown.  

Subject: The Gratterolis

Dear Guy who watches TV with his wife,

As much as I enjoyed all your posts on The Bachelorette, I take issue with your description of the Gratterolis. I’m pretty sure they're not worried about anyone stealing a rake...they keep their door locked to keep your dad from wandering over, naked, at 2 in the afternoon. Just a hunch.

Sincerely,

- Nicole Frattaroli (your next door neighbor growing up), not to be confused with Nicole Gratteroli

Nicole, those were just yokes! I was yoking! Your mother has always been very kind to me, especially when I got locked out of my house, which was VERY often. I also apologize for my father and his nudity, but can you really blame him? He’s got dumps like a truck truck truck, balls like what what what, all night longgggggggggg … let Nicole see my dad’s thonggggggggggggggg!!

Subject: Out of Boredom

Hello TVMWW,

I have no idea what you are looking for in reader emails so let's just start out on a positive note:

Potentially shops at Lush?

I believe immediately before this picture was taken he was waxing his chest and riding a unicorn.

Also, I have attached a picture my sister took yesterday at the Milwaukee Zoo. I felt it was important to share with you. I also thought it was important to include my boyfriend’s lame comment on the matter, which was "those Rhinos look horny."

Game of Frones?

What about writing about Bachelor Pad so I have something to do on Tuesday and Wednesday (Tuesday for compulsively checking and Wednesday for actual reading). And tell your other friend to be quiet about the "posts being too long". Her job is clearly too stimulating and the rest of us shouldn't have to be punished. I'd have to imagine with the rich content on that show the posts would practically write themselves.

Lastly, I would like to request a review of a product or something women like outside of TV. Because your opinion is funny.

Sincerely,


- KG, NYC

Geez, I kinda wish this email was written from the real KG, not some lady from New York. Imagine that email?

Yo Ev, my wife is tripping, yo. She’s dying to get on that show Basketball Wives, but I can’t let that happen mayn. You seen them ladies?! Ochocinco’s jawn is insane! And Eric Williams? I can’t be forced to go on a double date with that dude – who could eat around him? Help a brother out, yo! Also, can you believe we black people really write like this on email? Lol! :)

Geez, how racist was that email?!?! You think Kevin Garnett really writes emails like that? Actually, have you ever noticed how black people are all about lol’ing? Seriously, follow some black person on FB or Twitter, you’ll see more lol’s than at a Miss Ocean City Pageant. It’s so embarrassing!

That's a good one Becks, that's a good one. I know, my Jewish agent is ALWAYS kvetching!

Back to the other KG’s questions.

I’ve been trying to NOT watch Bach Pad (just needed a little Bach break!), but am recognizing that I totally have to. I mean, just the fact that the guard and protect your heart guy is on it is reason enough … AND he’s in love with Vienna … AND Jake is involved in their love triangle … AND Vienna has a terrible horrible, no good, very bad haircut.

For the life of me, I don’t know why Gia is on this show. Hasn’t she had enough of this shit? Every time I put it on, she’s sobbing about something – and I know, I know, it’s really hard to go through this world with a speech impediment – but c’mon lady, you don’t need to do this! Also, the guard and protect your heart guy is deaf, right? That’s why he talks like that? And did you ever notice that when someone else is speaking to him, he always responds way off topic.

Jake:  Hey man, I just want you to know that I’m really happy for you and Vienna.

Guard and Protect Guy:  Yeah, I fucking love Combos. Not really the cracker kind, but the pretzel and cheese jawns. Those are fantastic.  

That's a normal pose.

As far as lady products, (I did once write about Grogurt) I don’t understand why chicks love that store Lush so much. I swear, my wife has so many lotions and glosses, I haven’t felt or smelled her actual skin in months. (Anddddddd that’s your cue to barf all over yourself. I’m sorry.) Every time I kiss my wife good night, it tastes like lemons. What happened to the good ole days when women smelled like leather and I got boners without having to be smacked in the face? Anyway, what was the question?

Subject: Questions a go-go

Dear TVMWW,

I have a few questions for you:

1. What is your favorite TV show of all time and why? No, for realsies. All. Time.

2. If you could own any Bill Cosby sweater, which one would it be?

2a. How many Jell-O pudding pops can you consume in one sitting?

3. I mean, I know the Jersey Shore is the worst thing that has ever happened to Italian-Americans... but you're Jewish. Why aren't you writing more about Jersey Shore? The posts would practically write themselves. Actually, I guess that's why. That's racist!

4. I want live Tweets from TVMWW. Mainly because I don't watch more than half of these shows, so it would be a way for me to follow along LIVE, baby, LIVE!

5. What do you guys eat while you watch TV? Yes, I am looking for you to plug fwords (my food blog).

Ciao, Francesco Rinaldi!

- Fwords

Geez, that’s a lotta questions. I’m now starting to sort of regret this whole “Heyyy, send me your email questions! I’ll respond to them all” thing. But promises, promises, so here goes.

Favorite TV show is a no-brainer: Wipeout. Granted, I’ve only seen two episodes of it and I’m pretty sure I turned both of them off around half way, but people get absolutely blasted! It’s amazing!

Not really a fan of sweaters in general - they make you sweat too much! - but I appreciate how aptly named they are. I did always like that The Coz wore college sweatshirts though on his show. I also really liked that Kenny kid aka Buddddddd. My big brother says … In fact, to this day I call croutons “krau-tins” because that’s what Kenny said his big brother called ‘em.

Really Ev?!?! That’s so friggin’ interesting dude!

Amazing part in his hair! Pretty sure Cedric Ceballos had the exact same cut. 

Pudding pops? Do they still make those? My wife only lets me eat Skinny Cows anyway, which are surprisingly delicious and ridiculously expensive. Also, that’s a total lie - my wife lets me eat anything I want, I just like to paint an image of her as MEIN FUHRER. 

Jersey Shore? Yeah, yeah, I should probably write about that, but there are only so many hours in the day and my fantasy football team is NOT going to draft itself. I HAVE RESEARCH TO DO lady!

Live tweeting sounds good, I’m always looking for an excuse to tweet more – and I’m not allowed to eat in the living room because my wife is a crazy dictator and I once spilled wing sauce all over her favorite couch. Also, I’m not sure I ever told her that, so Butterscotch, if you’re reading, I’m really really sorry.

Subject: blog

I LOVE your blog, I actually found it while I was googling (that a word? no?) info on Ames. I laughed so hard I peed my pants reading all your posts about The Bachelorette. PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE WATCHING THE BACHELOR PAD!!! Anyway, keep up the good work!

- Jackie N, parts unknown

Wow. Probably the nicest email I’ve ever received. Jackie N, please know that I printed your email out and keep it atop my bedside table and read it whenever I’m feeling low. I also read it while jerking off and fantasizing about you in a doctor’s outfit.

Butterscotch, I’m yoking! I’m yoking! These are yokes!

Jackie N, thanks for reading?





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Orrrrrrrrr, look at these ladies riding a banana boat.

1.Martina Hingis

Martina Hingis