Jersey Shore: This Show Makes Me Want to Take a Wrench and Wrench My Own Balls and I Don't Even Know What That Means

This picture is for my friend Sergio. And yes, I have a friend named Sergio. 

"One of the most worthless human beings in the entire world." - My friend Law

"Pathetic." - My wife

Of course, the million dollar question is: Who were they talking about?!?!

Was it:

A) Sammi Sweetheart
B) Samuel Rosenblatt, the World's Most Worthless and Pathetic Accountant
or
C) Sacremento Kings' big man, Slammin' Sammy Dalembert

If you guessed D) Sam Donaldson, then you A) clearly don't understand how to answer questions and B) totally underestimate the power of hard-hitting journalism combined with a strong part in your hair.

Strong Duck Dong. 

Sammi Sweetheart is indeed creeping up on Ashley Holmes from Real Housewives of the Armpit of the East Coast as the world's worst person. Her display during last Sundee's episode was straight-up embarrassing. For those of you who may have missed it (AND IF THAT'S YOU, CAN I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME LIVE WITH YOU?), Sammi gave Ronnie back a bunch of presents that he had given her earlier that week to show him that his gifts didn't mean jack to her.

"I'm done with this. Done!"

So when Ronnie found the gifts (conveniently returned on his bed) he threw them all in the trash. When Sammi realized Ronnie was trashing them, she started fishing 'em out of the garbage and took them back - totally contradicting her initial point and proving that one lady's trash is another man's trash, and that trash is actually the first lady's treasure, but really that lady is hardly a lady in the first place, despite the fact that she sometimes looks kinda hot and I'm sorry, I really am, but she does sometimes look kinda hot.

IN HER DEFENSE THOUGH, I will say that Sammi Sweetheart has ABSOLUTELY ZERO nose hair, which is nice for her. I am honestly baffled when human beings have smooth inner nostrils, possibly because every time I look in the mirror I find my nose hair sprouting in every conceivable direction. I also sometimes find hairs sticking out of my ear lobe (not the inner ear, but the actual ear LOBE) which is both depressing and kind-of gully.

DJ Pauly D's hair never sprouts anywhere (actually, it's just like one huge sprout) and is a major part of his persona, but let's be honest for a second, the guy needs a new hairstyle. That blowout is just not a man's haircut, it's a little boy's cut. Don't get me wrong, I love Pauly D, and the blowout served its purpose by putting him on the map, but it's time for him to switch it up. It would do wonders for his future in reality television and hosting club nights at Harrah's pool.

Also, does anyone know what the "D" in Pauly D stands for?

Donaldson?

How ya doing, my name's Paul Donaldson, I'm here for the DJ tryouts.

Is that a Batman lapel?

My friend Sergio is opening a men's hair salon called "I'm Sergio" and I'm not making this up. Check out his website here. You can also follow I'm Sergio on Twitter. And me too. Or you could look at these pictures from the world's biggest tomato flight.  

Jersey Shore: Today's Word is "Gully" ... andddddddd "Neck Brace"

I'm looking for a black V-neck, maybe with silver feathers on the shoulders? And a skull and crossbones across the front?

gully

Just as thug derives from the Indian thuggee cult, gully is taken from the Indian definition of "street". The literal translation is alley. Gully, in Indian languages means dirty, street, dangerous. The origins of these words is Sanskrit. US - Keep it gully! - Keep it raw/street. India - That guy has respect in the gully - That guy has respect in the streets. My Wife - It's about to get gully - Stop watching soccer or I'll seriously rip your balls off.

Well, I never thought Ron-Ron would teach me a new vocabulary word, but I also never thought I'd see a grown man jumping into walls, provoking a gorilla to attack him - all while slobbering all over his own chin (and the floor!).

Slobberfest 2011 was incredible, but I'm not sure if Donkey-Rong truly understands the meaning of getting "gully." I mean, is taking someone's bed and throwing it all over the apartment really keeping it street?

I doubt there's a gang in North Philly that's currently smoking blunts in some staircase, scheming their next hit like, "Yo, yo, check it out, check it out. I know how to get back at T-Bone and them. Yo, late one night, we break into that muhhf**ka's house, knock over all his sh*t, and flip that n***a's bed, yo! We throw his mattress all over the place! His sheets, his box-spring, his cup of water that's been sitting on his end table for like 6 days and never been drank! Let's get gully on that muhhfugga. N***a won't know where to sleep!"

Also, did you notice how careful I was with all those asterisks on the ole N word? I used like 12 of them muhhfuhggas!

This is how real Gullys get down ... motherf***in' beach ballin'. 

You knew it was time for some action when Ron-Ron started talking to himself, though. That's never a good sign. I'd like to think that talking to yourself is a sign of true mental problems - or steroid use - but c'mon, it's pretty common. My friend Chicken claims that after a hard day of teaching, she'll spend her entire car ride home in a full fledged conversation with herself. After playing FIFA, I have entire press conferences breaking down AC Milan's performance. I was really impressed with Pato today. The young Brazilian is really coming on. Obviously, I'd like to see more from Ambrosini on the pitch - he is the skipper after all - but he picked up a knock. We'll hold him out of training this week so that he can be fit for our next match. Naploi always plays us hard, and Cavani is in great form.

So now MTV will make us wait an entire week (that is, if we survive this hurricane) to see Sitch in a neck brace. Here's the thing though, why does MTV break up the most exciting part of the show - teasing it for next week - but ALSO show us exactly what's going to happen on the scenes from the next? We know Sitch gets popped, we know he gets injured and we know he ends up in a Rue McClanahan neck brace. So what's my incentive to watch? Also, why am I asking so many rhetorical questions? There's another!

Let's go Redman!





Wanna get into the next TVMWW mailbag? Send questions, comments or quommenstions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com


Or, check out the gulliest pair of boots ever!

Jersey Shore: Can Someone Please Help This Sammi Woman? If No One Does Anything, She Is Going To Be Murdered Very Very Soon.

Run, lady, RUN!!! ... And why are you wearing those shoes?!?!

There are currently some major issues out there grabbing the world's attention: Wisconsin losing their collective bargaining rights, the Libyan revolution, the impending Fab Five documentary, but for some reason, NO ONE is talking about the fact that Ronnie is THE MOST ABUSIVE PERSON of all time and may END SAMMI'S LIFE very shortly!

Seriously, you're telling me that Ellen can go bonkers for an anti-bullying campaign, gathering the help of the Obamas, but NO ONE WILL TALK ABOUT Ronnie's behavior?!?! Charlie Sheen has a million twitter followers, Coco has Thong Thursdays, but Barbara Walters can't roll over in her grave to do an expose on domestic violence?!?! How has Dr. Drew not reached out to Sammi? How has Intervention not tried to get Ron-Ron off the juice? How does Snooki ever get ANYONE to hook up with her?!?!

At least in the old days when this would happen on an episode of Family Ties or something, they'd have Alex P. Keets come out and do a P.S.A. like, "If you're in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, call this number. Do NOT call Ellen. She doesn't give an isht." But now after the show, MTV is all, "Hey, wanna see more clips of Ronnie almost turning Sammi's face into The English Patient's? Log onto MTV.com and also see videos of teenagers f***ing." This world is not in a good place.

What the freak is Barbara Walters doing with her life?!?! Barbara, call me! I have a very important assignment for you!!

Other ramblings about last night's television lineup:

- J-Lo needs to just resign from American Idol before she has a friggin' nervous breakdown. She empathizes way too much with these contestants. I mean, we're only two weeks in and she's already bugging out whenever they have to send someone home. I'm also not sure if Steven Tyler has any idea what he's wearing at any particular moment. I feel like his stylists are playing a practical joke on him, similarly to what Stevie Wonder's did to him the last forty years.

J-Lo gets ready for her appearance on The Bachelor's Women Tell All.

- Championship week in college basketball is driving me berzerker. I can't handle it. Too many channels, too many games, PLUS the Heat playing the Lakers?!?! My wife legitimately got a headache from me changing the channels so often last night. It might be time to go double TV action in the ole living room. And why doesn't Kobe attack the rim any more? I know, I know, his knees are shot, but I can't take him settling for jumpers, that's always bothered me about him. He even settled for pull-ups back in high school. When Kobe was stripped in the waning possessions by D-Wade who then dished to Bron-Bron for the flush, we may have witnessed a live paradigm shift. Also, I have NO IDEA if I used the term "paradigm shift" correctly

What I do know is:

- I have like a thirty-five foot boner in anticipation of this Sunday's Fab 5 documentary on ESPN. Here are my top 3 all-time favorite sports teams:

3. 1990 Sixers w/ Sir Charles, Rick Mahorn & Manute Bol 
2. The Fab 5
1. The Buddy Ryan era Philadelphia Eagles

So happy.

All business.

Panoramic.

Google image search: Fab 5. Documentary by MTV currently in the works.

Jersey Shore: Ron Ron Needs A Serious Time-out ... Or At The Very Least A Decent Yoga DVD

It's all fun and games until one guy breaks the other's neck.

Up until last night, the most unbelieveable events I'd ever witnessed on television were:

- Ron Artest running into the crowd to punch people during The Malice at the Palace.
- Jake and Vienna's showdown during their Bachelor reunion.
- Any episode of either Intervention or Unbeatable Banzuke. Those shows are outrageous. Also, The Puppy Bowl was pretty incredible / riveting.

But Ronnie and Sammi's blowup last night combined with Ronnie's impersonation of Donkey Kong rank right up there among the all time blowups. Hey Ron, when life's got you down, just start smashing stuff! It's a wonderful credo. I once helped a friend renovate his bathroom and spent an entire afternoon smashing stuff. One of the best days of my life. Also, he bought me pizza, so double bonus right there.

High score!

Before we really break down the explosion, let's look at some of the lighter moments from last night's episode of Jersey Shore aka the place where not only steroid needles are found on the beach, but used!

Roger. Can we talk about this Roger fella? Or "kid" as JWoww calls him? First of all, this "kid" is at least 47 years old and will probably hunt me down and kill me if he ever reads this next paragraph (if in fact he is literate, which based on his cranium size, I'm going to say is definitely possible). I have nothing against Roger, he seems like an okay six foot nine inch tattooed monster who may or may not still count on his fingers, but his friends all call him "Roger?!?!" Now I've known a couple of Rogers in my day and I don't ever remember calling them, "Roger." Maybe Raj, maybe Raj, but Raj from What's Happening sort of eliminated any sort of respectability from that nickname. I am lucky to have a bunch of friends in this world and I don't think I call any of them by their first names. And if I had a friend named Roger, I'd at least call him Roger Ebert, or Eebs or constantly ask him what he and his buddy Siskel thought of The Constant Gardener. But then again, I don't have a friend named Roger, I have a friend named Ferdburglar.

It's gonna be awesome when this guy finds me and puts that right fist through my dome.

Did anyone notice Pauly D shadowboxing while Sammi and Donkey Kong were bickering? I don't know why Pauly D was shadowboxing or if he takes boxing classes or just likes to occasionally loosen up the ole rotator cuff, but he was SO locked in while doing it. I mean, he was REALLY into it. So serious. Love that guy.

Kinda strange that Ronnie and Brad The Bachelor have the same giant cross tattoo on their backs? Brad's is square in the middle while Ronnie's is in the upper left hand quadrant, leaving more pallet space for future tatts of a giant video game gorilla smashing barrels.

All right, onto Sammi and Ronnie. 

I like how Ronnie put The Situation "in his place" with some passive aggressive needling followed by caving and hugging it out. Later, Ron Ron told Sammi, "You do you! And I'll do me!" And later backed this up by freaking out when Sammi was doing herself and Ronnie apparently wasn't doing himself. I wonder what would happen if my wife ever allowed me to do me. Me doing me would probably consist of ordering A LOT of pizza and playing A BUNCH of video games. It may also involve me leaving my socks WHEREVER I wanted and buying TWO PERCENT milk instead of one.

Here's the thing with Ronnie's bongo-ballistic breakdown: Doesn't Sammi doing Sammi and Ron doing Ron mean they were BROKEN UP?!?!  Ron's argument that he at least had enough respect for Sammi to cheat on her behind her back was one of the most preposterous arguments ever spoken since the time I told my wife that I leave my socks on the living room floor because "it allows them to air out better." It was at this time that my wife frigging lost it and vowed to never watch this show again.  

For the record, my wife has probably said that every week for the last month and a half by the way, but this time she meant it!!!

Sometimes my wife puts my dirty socks on my pillow when I leave them downstairs. Also, this is not a picture of my actual socks and bed, but I don't expect you to believe me.

It's hard to feel for Sammi, because she's been so weak and has allowed this abuse to go on for so long, BUT YOU GOTTA FEEL FOR THIS LADY. She was in a VERY abusive relationship with a Cro Magnon dude for WAY TOO LONG. This Ron Ron fella is a very disturbed person. The way he spoke to her (AND SMASHED ALL HER STUFF) was borderline maniacal, and I really feared that last night he was going to make some North Jersey plastic surgeon a very rich man.

The rage and venom that was spewed during their blowup was on par with Anakin Skywalker's "I hate you!" at the end of Star Wars episode III.

Link below ... skip ahead to the 1:30 mark for the "I hate you" part ... Which was by all accounts, Oscar worthy for Hayden Christensen. I understand that the acting in these movies was embarrassing, but this is a fine fine performance by big Hayden. He didn't really hate Ewan McGregor, he was just acting! 

Anyway, I'm very proud of Sammi for finally leaving. She needed to get outta there and do her. I imagine doing her will consist of a lot of sobbing, but at least she won't have to deal with Ronnie's abuse.

She will have to deal with some weight loss and overall lethargy though. When my high school girlfriend broke up with me, I didn't eat for like an hour and a half.

Evster's note: Believe it or not, I did actually have one girlfriend in high school and I still periodically send her thank you notes for showing me the ropes and saving me from hanging out with dorks named Ferdburglar. Also, the truth is that when she broke up with me, I didn't eat for like three weeks, constantly sent her letters in the mail and may or may not have asked for my lucky sweatshirt back.

Jersey Shore: I Honestly Have No Idea What Happened With Ronald and Sammi Last Night

Look at Tom's necklace. Are they at a rave?

It was very difficult to pay attention to Jersey Shore last night because there were so many other shows on that my wife and I wanted to watch, such as: The Beverly Hills Housewives Reunion, Lebron vs. The Knicks and anything else besides Jersey Shore. We seriously hate ourselves for watching MTV. Even just watching those commercials for Teen Mom and Skins are annoying enough to make us want to cut ourselves, but we fought through it and now here I am, blogging at 7am when I could be sleeping eating the rest of my leftover Italian hoagie from last night that was absolutely bonkers.

Equally as distracting last night was the fact that the top of my Orville Redenbacher air popper popcorn machine blew off in mid-pop and mid-episode sending kernels (both popped and unpopped) blasting all over our kitchen. I'm not kidding, I was watching The Situation offer sweatpants to a girl and then BOOM! I look up and there's popcorn exploding all over the place. Now, I'm not sure if you've ever witnessed popcorn explode all over the place, but it's a very mild, yet violent explosion, that gets more explosive with every pop, because each kernel pops into the air and just hangs there, kind of like a kid on a trampoline, just elevating and then staring at you, before returning to earth and having sixteen other kernels explode all over the place. Plus, the sound of popcorn kernels exploding exacerbates the chaos as does the sound of your wife cackling like a lunatic while you try to pull the plug on the Rendenbacher Popper while covering your eyes so as not to catch a kernel in the neck.

Obviously, I quelled the madness and returned to the couch, just in time to see Ronald and Sammi go into a level 9 meltdown freak-out. But before I get into Ronnie and Sam and try to make sense of their relationship, there is one other aspect of the show that has been puzzling me and I feel must be explored.

If you've never seen popcorn fireworks, you gotta get one of these. Oh, also, it kinda makes the popcorn taste like cardboard and I'd recommend goggles and/or a snorkel.

The Aforementioned Move When The Situation Offers Sweatpants to Every Chick He Brings Home. I mean, I understand the move: get the girls into some lounge wear so they can loosen up, hang out and eventually smash.  

Did I really just use the word "smash"? I really did, didn't I? Strange because before Jersey Shore, the word "smash" had a totally different connotation in my vernacular. My friends and I have always used the term to describe situations like, "Aw man, that Arby's roast beef sandwich really isn't sitting too well in my stomach, I gotta get home to take a smash," or "Yo, did I ever tell you about the time when I had to take a smash at Veteran's Stadium? It was crazy!" But I guess times have changed. 

Anyway, I understand the motivation behind the sweatpants move and I realize that I haven't brought a girl home who wasn't my wife in a LONG time, but isn't the time to capitalize on a potential smashing RIGHT when a girl walks in the door? Not before these women get their bearings and realize that having sex with a reality TV star on camera and contracting syphilis is probably NOT the best move for them and their future potential of smashing other people? Also, it seems like Sitch always finds a way to NOT have sex with these girls. My wife thinks that maybe The Situation has a sweatpants fetish, which is interesting and sort-of commendable.

If Sitch has a sweatpants fetish, would Zumba pants blow his mind?

Onto Sammi and Ronald, whose relationship has reached trainwreck status, alongside such notorious relationships as Sid and Nancy, Ike and Tina, and me and Arby's. After last night's sure break-up and reconciliation, I'm still trying to put together what even happened. So let's break-it break-it down.

1. Sammi gets drunk and pissed off at Ronald for talking to chicks at the bar, frustrating Ronald McDonns because he was innocently chatting with "the mother of Mike's baby." Ronnie is so incensed that he offers to show Sammi the mother's c-section as proof (you can't make this stuff up) and Sammi apologizes saying she thought "it looked like someone else."

2. Back at the ranch, a much more intoxicated Sammi continues to give Ronald a guilt trip for flirting with other chicks, further incensing Ron despite the fact that just months ago, Ronald was repeatedly triple kissing other girls and cannot be trusted.

3. Sammi threatens to leave the house and McDonald calls her bluff, goes into a roid-rage, chucks all of her clothes around the room and tells her to pack up and go.

4. Sammi returns with a peace offering (a slice of pizza) that Ron-Bon DECLINES, stating that he'd rather have an apology or a protein shake. First of all, I'm not sure what Sammi should have been apologizing for; yeah, she was drunk and can't trust him, but she shouldn't!! Also, it doesn't matter how frustrated I get with my wife, if she were to offer me a slice of pizza, I'm accepting that slice! Even if she were like:

"Hey Ev, here's a slice of pizza. I'm sorry you caught me getting triple teamed by every one of your best friends. It's just that they're much hotter than you and more endowed and well, anyway, here's a slice."

I'd have to take that slice.

I'd have to take that slice!

Also, that pizza last night looked REALLY GOOD.

Like, REALLY GOOD!

I didn't make this, but it's kinda funny, right? I'm not even sure if I understand it.

Back to the recap:

5. Sammi starts to clean up her room while Ronald goes downstairs and befriends JWoww, Sammi's arch enemy, who essentially attempts to convince Ron to dump the broad and get her out of the house.

6. The Situation, always the instigator, lets Sammi know that Ronald and JWoww are talking, enraging Sammi and leading to a right cross to the jaw of Ronald's and a full throttle level sixteen freak-out including a call to Mommy to get her outta there.

7. Sammi apologizes to McDonald for the punch, Ronnie cries like a guy on steroids who can't control his emotions and is eventually led back into the bedroom by Sam. By the way, a BRILLIANT move by Sammi. When a dude is vulnerable, just invite him inside to a bedroom where women can control everything.

8. Sammi and Ron-Bon reconcile, my wife and I barf all over the place, but it is revealed that The Situation has been in the room the entire time, providing us with one of the greatest moments in television history.

And now, here I am, still blogging about two people who I couldN'T CARE LESS about instead of eating a perfectly GREAT Italian hoagie.

This game was amazing.

I'm not even sure how to respond to Sam and Ron. Are we really destined to watch more of this relationship play out the rest of this season? I don't even like Ronald, but am DYING for him to get rid of Sammi just so he can go on a gorilla rampage and tear some isht up!

Also, they're not even the worst couple on this show, JWoww and her ex-boyfriend Tom were MUCH WORSE. That guy was such a drip, whining about her not calling him every night. Never being happy about anything. STEALING money from Paypal? I have like, eight dollars in my Paypal account and yet this is where JWoww kept her entire fortune?

I'm getting frustrated just thinking about this nonsense. I need to go finish that hoagie. And clean up around 37 unpopped kernels that are still sprinkled around our kitchen floor.

Thanks a lot Orville!

By the way, Orville?

WHAT A NAME!

If Orville were to have ever been drafted in the NBA, what would his draft suit have looked like? A question that will never be answered, but will forever be asked.

Jersey Shore: Oh Sammi Sammi Sammi Sammi

You're better off alone Samster!

Sammi Sweatheart, just pathetic.

If I were to discuss all of Sammi's faults, this post might break the 5,000 word mark, so instead I will just focus on the three things that frustrated me most from last night's ep of Jersey Shore.

Numero Uno:  Misuse of basic English phrases, specifically when Sammie said "I could care less," regarding missing Sunday's family dinner. Sammi, it's "I couldn't care less. I could-n't care less." If you could care less, that would imply that you actually care a little bit (probably true) and have room for caring even less. Whereas if you could-n't care less, then you'd be saying that there is no way that you could possibly care any less about the situation (the actual situation of dinner, not the person). 

Also, as I re-read that last paragraph, I realized that I just wrote the last three sentences actually to Sammi, as if she were actually reading this, when clearly that's not happening. Not because my blog blog lives in internet obscurity and she'd never find it (in fact, do a Google Search for "Sammi Sweetheart pathetic drip of a person" and I bet this pops up), but because there's NO WAY that Sammi would read a blog that has this many words on a page. Geez, I have a friend, Rosa, who claims to be an intellectual, but just unsubscribed from TV My Wife Watches' email alerts because "there's just too much." Then don't read it Rosa! It's not like your inbox is full! Unless you use Hotmail circa 1998, then your inbox is DEFINITELY full.  

The good-ole days. When a shirtless gorilla dined with his roommates.

Numero Dos:  It doesn't really bother me that Sammi follows around her boyfriend like a beagle, she is certainly not the first clingy person to do that. In fact, I know many many Jewish men who follow their wives in the same way. However, it's the fact that she follows RONNIE! Ronnie is the guy she's clinging too! A guy who's family tree is two generations removed from Cro-Magnon. A guy who lifts things up and puts them down. A guy who is one roid rage away from playing quarterback for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I would totally understand if Sammi followed around her boyfriend if that boyfriend was sayyyyyy, George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaps, but no, it's friggin' Donkey Kong. 

Sammi, you can do better. Once again, here I am talking to Sammi as if she's reading. Seriously, there are other men out there (who can also lift things up and put them down) who will treat you better. How bout Mario Lopez? Yeah, he might be is gay and yeah he sucks, but he (probably) won't roid-rage out on you and can at least read cue cards. Or how about Ben Roethlisberger? Or an actual gorilla? All upgrades from Ronald. 

This is George Cloons. I'm dead serious.

Numero Tres:  Last thing, very annoying that Sammi took her frustration out on Big Ron when clearly she's only upset because she has alienated herself from the girls and is no longer accepted by the crew. She can't keep going on like this. We simply can't watch this trainwreck much longer. It's just annoying. She needs to swallow her pride, apologize for being lame and hope for some sort of acceptance from the rest of the cast. If she doesn't, and Ronnie has to spend another night sulking with her, he may honestly choke her. Which would just be sad.   


Such a shame that I choose to focus on Sammi when discussing a perfectly good TV show that has seen better days. Very similar to a teacher giving 75% of their attention to the kid who's shooting spit balls as opposed to the ones doing work. Then again, that kid doing work is such a dork. LIVE A LITTLE BUDDY! Geometry is dumb!


For the record, geometry is really dumb. Think about it, when's the last time you used the Pythagorean Theorem? No offense to Pythagoras, who probably treated his girlfriends very well, but his theorem can seriously suck my crank.




***** Evster's note:  Earlier, when choosing to call Ronnie, "Donkey Kong," I actually Googled "famous apes" and found a list on Wikipeeds. They broke it down to ape actors, ape artists, scientific apes, zoo apes, circus apes, pet apes and APE POLITICIANS!!