American Idol: This Here United States Sure is Filled with a Whole Lotta Country Folk

So this is what goes for an American Idol these days.

In honor of Scotty McCreery, the new American Idol, here's some pictures of my favorite southerners. 

Hillbilly Jim

I actually never even really liked this guy. Was much more of a King Kong Bundy fan.

Sling Blade Carl

I like them french fried potaters, mmm hmm. Alright den.

Tug McGroin

No idea what's going on here.

Jessica Simpson

The sunniest day in the history of Yellow Rump, Louisiana.

Mr. Belvedere

Slurp it up, Belvy! ... Slurp. It. Up.

American Idol: Only Six Remain. Six Absolute Snoozers.

There is seriously so much leaning going on in this picture.

American Idol claims to be just a "singing competition", but we all know that successful artists these days must also be moderately attractive and make wise career decisions to enhance their popularity. Two of the best ways to gain star power are to show off your twat or get a group of prostitutes together and videotape a car wash. I once tried to wash my car at one of those self-service car washes and couldn't even find the hose. Read that again, I couldn't even find the hose, not, "I found the hose and couldn't turn it on." I became so frustrated and embarrassed standing there searching for that hose while other people sprayed down their Chargers that I just drove off with the dirtiest, sudsiest car ever. Obviously I could end this paragraph with a twat joke, but I will abstain. Also, twats should NEVER be joked about.

I'm sorry. I really am. I did not intend for this post to start off this way. I don't know why I'm blogging about twats, (check that, I do know why I'm blogging about twats, twats are amazing) but I'm sorry nonetheless. You, the loyal readers of TV Me Weef Wooches, should not be subjected to such drivel. I also apologize to Ke$ha for not mentioning her once in a paragraph about twats.

Back to American Twat, which is down to the Final Six! Let's take a look at each remaining contestant and see if they have what it takes to be the next artist who may or may not have a singing career! Up first ...

Catching flies.

The Black Guy!

Can he sing? - Yes he can! Whether or not you enjoy checking out Jacob's tonsils when he belts out notes, the bottom line is that Jacob has a booming voice and some really strong molars. Now I'm not a dentist, but I am Jewish, and that's half the battle right there.

Is he attractive? - I'm not sure, because Jacob is pretty sexually ambiguous. I assumed he was gay, but according to Miss Lawrence from Real Housewives of Atlanta, all gay dudes from the south wear high heels and I'm pretty sure Jacob wears Reeboks. I guess there's some mens out there who find him attractive, but if I were gay, I'd prefer Jacob to gay it up a little bit. 

How's his decision making? - Brilliant! Great move to sing that song about his dead father last week and an even better move to start crying DURING the song to make it even more dramatic. I gotta be honest, a rapist could sing that song and I'd get choked up. In fact, a rapist could rape someone and simultaneously kill their father whilst singing that song and I'd still be into it.

Kinda looks like Chelsea Clints?

Janis Jops Jr.

Can she sing? - Yes, but the whole Janis Joplin raspy voice thing is getting old. Speaking of raspy voices, how hot was Kathleen Turner and how dead is Kathleen Turner?

Is she attractive? - This dude Josh that I work with came up to me last Thursday and asked, "How hot is Haley?" and I got very confused because we don't work with any chicks named Haley. Turns out, he was talking about Haley from Idol and apparently has never had sex with a woman.

How's her decision making? - I guess her red polka-dotted dress last week got Josh's attention, but I would've much preferred if she dressed up like Jessica Rabbit. Or Ke$ha. Or a really hot dentist who hosed people down.

This is not a Will Ferrell movie.

Casey the Barbarian

Can he sing? - Absolutely, although I'm growing tired of the Eminem-style grunting and forcefulness of his voice. But then again, that's his thing, and I get it, much like my thing is to wear Reeboks on my hands while masturbating.

Is he attractive? - If you listened to podcast #1, you'd have heard Chicken say that there is NO SHOT that Casey becomes America's Next Top Idol because he's not good looking enough. If you had listened longer, you would've taken a dental scraper and chiseled out your ear drums.

How's his decision making? - Kissing J-Lo at the end of his song last week was a great move; I imagine middle aged women across the country found it almost as adorable as I did. Speaking of great moves, seriously, if you own a pair of Reeboks ...

Interesting hair move.

Lauren the Southern Belle

Can she sing? - Well, according to the judges she's got AMAZING natural ability, but then again so did Todd Marinovich and look where that got him. For the two, MAYBE three people out there who know who Todd Marinovich is, I have NO IDEA why you're reading this blog. For the readers who don't know who Todd Marinovich is, I have NO IDEA why you're reading this blog.

Is she attractive? - I'll let my wife take this one:

"I don't know why they're putting so much makeup on her, she looks 45. She's got it caked on like somebody who's OH MY GOD ... (it must be stated that at the time my wife was talking to me, she was also watching Anthony Bourdain in Vienna and a guy was gutting some sort of animal that was strung upside down and all its organs tumbled out of its body cavity and onto the ground).

How's her decision making? - I've got a better question, when will this blog post be over? OH MY GOD, why did I choose to write this post when there were still SIX goddamn contestants left? I couldn't wait til the final three?

Did Seacrest give him a dead arm?

Adam Lambert Jr.

Can he sing? - Sure, whatever, if you like guys who scream. I'd love to see James sing a duet with my wife while she was forced to gut an antelope.

Is he attractive? - About as attractive as a guy can be who twitches.

How's his decision making? - Great move to sing a song by Muse last week. By the way, just asked my wife what Anthony Bourdain is up to now. Her answer: "Eating goulash after a hunting expedition."

Alfred E. Neuman

Scotty Boom Botty

Can he sing? - Without a doubt! His voice is undeniable; it's just a shame that he can only sing one song in one way and that happens to be the dumbest way to sing a song ever.

Is he attractive? - I imagine the teenage girls are into him considering he has over 100,000 Twitter followers. By the way, his Twitter is SO BORING.

Decision making? - Okay, here we go, I gotta break out my Foghorn Leghorn impression for this one. NOW WHO I say WHO is responsible for teaching him to hold his microphone like that?! Now I say, I say, that is no way to hold a microphone boy. You don't hold it like a flute, you hold it like a dick! Look here boy, everyone, I say, everyone knows that boy. Now I say, I say, stop holding it like some sort of harmonica boy and be a man, boy, be a man!

Also, I'm really really sorry that I just told a 16 year-old boy to hold a microphone like a dick.

American Idol / Dancing With the Stars: Apparently Christian Slater is Not Dead and Kirstie Alley is Not Easy to Carry

The real question is, how many more dogs are under that robe?

I gotta tell ya, I have NO IDEA what's going on with Steven Tyler's hair. For the first half-hour of tonight's Idol show, I dedicated myself to getting to the bottom of this mystery, and now, an hour later, the only conclusion I've come to is the fact that Christian Slater's daughter REALLY likes American Idol.

From the best I can tell, Steven Tyler's got some highlights sprinkled into his natural coif, along with a grey streak, a few braids, and if I'm not mistaken, a peacock feather. Now, I know that I'm not necessarily the Vidal Sassoon of the blogging world, but since when did incorporating exotic bird feathers into your hair become stylish? Also, is the peacock even exotic?

Every time I watch Idol I expect Stacey and Clinton to pop up outta nowhere.

And what's the deal with peacocks getting free reign at the zoo? They're able to just roam around as they please while every other animal is confined to a cage? I swear, every time I'm in line for ice cream, or running (and screaming) out of the snake house, I bump into a peacock just strolling around. I mean, I get the obvious reason, peacocks are f**king dope, but how did they convince every zookeeper in the world to let them stroll around all-willy-nilly?

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  Hey peacocks, welcome to the San Diego Zoo. Hope you had a nice trip in from Madagascar. Listen, we're gonna set you up over here in this nice cage. It's got some smooth rocks and a pond and ...

Peacock:  Welllllllll, actually we were thinking we could just roam around. You know, all over the place.

Ziggy:  Yeah right. So, just follow me over here to your peacock cage, you're really gonna love it. Did you get a chance to meet the pengui ...

Peacock:  Nah yo, I'm not living in no cage. Neither are my boys. We're roaming around. We're peacocks.

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  You're kidding right? What do you mean you're just gonna roam around? You need to live in a cage.

Peacock:  Look dude, we're peacocks. We roam around. That's what we do.

Ziggy:  Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of room to roam around in your cage. Did you see the rocks?

Peacock:  Dude. DUDE. You're not getting it. I'm a grown-ass peacock. I'll roam around wherever I want to. I'm not having some dumb zookeeper tell me where to live.

Ziggy:  Whoa whoa whoa ...

Peacock:  I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get upset. And don't get me wrong, those are nice rocks, they really are. And we like ponds, we do, but I'm a grown-ass peacock. And I'm going wherever I want, whenever I want.

Ziggy:  I really don't think this is a ...

Peacock:  Trust me man, trust me. I'm a peacock. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go chew on this cigarette butt.

Mr. Peacock in high school. Possibly rocking a tweed jacket?

I'm guessing that Christian Slater's daughter friggin' loves peacocks, probably not as much as she loves Pia McGia, but probably enough to get her dad to buy her a grown-ass peacock to put in some cage. Speaking of cages, has Christian Slater been locked in one the past twenty years? Where's that guy been? Part of me thinks that maybe he and Ralph Macchio have been off together in Madagascar searching for the Fountain of Youth. And what does it say for a celebrity's career if he's now getting front row tix for American Idol? I guess some stars go to Laker games, some go to American Idol and some fall flat on their backs while attempting to dance with Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Down goes Chmerkovskiy! Down goes Chmerkovskiy!

Poor Kirstie Alley. And it's not even like she was dropped by some little guy like Mark Ballas or Christian Slater. She was dropped by the manliest, Ukrainianest, hairiest guy on that show. She's all right though. She's tough. She's thick-skinned. She does whatever she wants. She's like a friggin' peacock. Like a giant, clumsy, gargantuan peacock.

I hope Maks is okay.

Follow TVMWW on Facebook and Twitter. 
Or just look at this picture of a frog that's trying to balance on a piece of celery. 

American Idol: Google Image Search For Paul McDonald Yields Pictures of People Who Look Much More Like Paul McDonalds

Paul Blart, Mall Cop / Beautician

I gotta say, I really like this Paul McDonald fella. I like his voice, his hair, his beard, his moves, I really like his moves, I mean, I've really never seen moves like his, but there is one aspect of Paul McDonald that needs some serious improvement:

His name!

Paul McDonald?

C'mon Paul McDonald! The Paul McDonald I know does not look like a Paul McDonald. He looks more like "Reese Rhinestone" or "Clay Ringledaybs." So I did a Google image search for Paul McDonald and these are the Paul McDonalds that I found:

This is Paul McDonald. Probably sells life insurance. Played the saxophone in middle school. Collects model trains. Or possibly dead hookers. He's Paul McDonald. Middle name is most likely Ralph.

 

This is also Paul McDonald. Dentist. Rides a bike. Keeps a low sodium diet. May also collect dead hookers.

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Paul McDonald. Once bowled a 237. Allergic to everything bagels. Swears that a squirrel can go faster than a car.

 

Hello there. I'm Paul McDonald. I just murdered someone. Big Charlotte Hornets fan back in the day. Favorite player? Kelly Tripucka.

Nice to meet you, I'm Paul McDonald. My office is down the hall to the left. If you need anything, feel free to give me a holler. Oh, also, I've had hemorrhoids consistently for the last 15 years of my life. Please kill me.

Jersey Shore: Can Someone Please Help This Sammi Woman? If No One Does Anything, She Is Going To Be Murdered Very Very Soon.

Run, lady, RUN!!! ... And why are you wearing those shoes?!?!

There are currently some major issues out there grabbing the world's attention: Wisconsin losing their collective bargaining rights, the Libyan revolution, the impending Fab Five documentary, but for some reason, NO ONE is talking about the fact that Ronnie is THE MOST ABUSIVE PERSON of all time and may END SAMMI'S LIFE very shortly!

Seriously, you're telling me that Ellen can go bonkers for an anti-bullying campaign, gathering the help of the Obamas, but NO ONE WILL TALK ABOUT Ronnie's behavior?!?! Charlie Sheen has a million twitter followers, Coco has Thong Thursdays, but Barbara Walters can't roll over in her grave to do an expose on domestic violence?!?! How has Dr. Drew not reached out to Sammi? How has Intervention not tried to get Ron-Ron off the juice? How does Snooki ever get ANYONE to hook up with her?!?!

At least in the old days when this would happen on an episode of Family Ties or something, they'd have Alex P. Keets come out and do a P.S.A. like, "If you're in an abusive relationship or know someone who is, call this number. Do NOT call Ellen. She doesn't give an isht." But now after the show, MTV is all, "Hey, wanna see more clips of Ronnie almost turning Sammi's face into The English Patient's? Log onto MTV.com and also see videos of teenagers f***ing." This world is not in a good place.

What the freak is Barbara Walters doing with her life?!?! Barbara, call me! I have a very important assignment for you!!

Other ramblings about last night's television lineup:

- J-Lo needs to just resign from American Idol before she has a friggin' nervous breakdown. She empathizes way too much with these contestants. I mean, we're only two weeks in and she's already bugging out whenever they have to send someone home. I'm also not sure if Steven Tyler has any idea what he's wearing at any particular moment. I feel like his stylists are playing a practical joke on him, similarly to what Stevie Wonder's did to him the last forty years.

J-Lo gets ready for her appearance on The Bachelor's Women Tell All.

- Championship week in college basketball is driving me berzerker. I can't handle it. Too many channels, too many games, PLUS the Heat playing the Lakers?!?! My wife legitimately got a headache from me changing the channels so often last night. It might be time to go double TV action in the ole living room. And why doesn't Kobe attack the rim any more? I know, I know, his knees are shot, but I can't take him settling for jumpers, that's always bothered me about him. He even settled for pull-ups back in high school. When Kobe was stripped in the waning possessions by D-Wade who then dished to Bron-Bron for the flush, we may have witnessed a live paradigm shift. Also, I have NO IDEA if I used the term "paradigm shift" correctly

What I do know is:

- I have like a thirty-five foot boner in anticipation of this Sunday's Fab 5 documentary on ESPN. Here are my top 3 all-time favorite sports teams:

3. 1990 Sixers w/ Sir Charles, Rick Mahorn & Manute Bol 
2. The Fab 5
1. The Buddy Ryan era Philadelphia Eagles

So happy.

All business.

Panoramic.

Google image search: Fab 5. Documentary by MTV currently in the works.

American Idol, Top Chef and a College Basketball Bonanza

Don't get excited, there is VERY little J-Lo and Idol talk in this post.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost 22 straight games. And for the past 22 straight nights I have lost control of my remote.

So when I saw yesterday that UConn-Syracuse, Nova-Marquette, Duke-Maryland (my alma mater) and Mizzou-Oklahoma State were going head to head with American Idol and Top Chef, I needed to put my foot down. I told my wife that I "kinda sorta, would like to maybe, uh, watch a little college basketball tonight during commercials?"

And she said fine!

Now, I have painted a picture of my wife as being a terrifying woman (and she is!), but she can also be incredibly kind, generous, understanding and agreeable, ESPECIALLY if I make dinner and clean up (which I did last night, LIKE A BOSS). Occasionally she'll even leave her switch blade upstairs (but still somehow seems to be able to find a shank when she needs one). She is also a pretty big sports fan, more-so the NBA, baseball, tennis and the Olympics, but can be convinced to watch anything. Her college basketball experiences have been limited though, you see, she went to Brandeis, which doesn't quite have the hoops culture of Maryland, but has almost as many Jews.  

Brandeis basketball ... I actually had a pair of those Cons. They were amazing.

Also, this wouldn't be an issue if my wife would agree to have a second TV in the house, but she refuses. She comes from one of those intellectual families that reads the New York Times and does homework and raises their children to be knife wielding maniacs and I respect that, because my parents too read the New York Times, only they read it while watching television in separate rooms and may or may not have had a conversation in the past seventeen years.

Suffice it to say, I was REALLY excited to see Missouri's 40 minutes of pressure defense and UConn's Kemba Walker and Duke's three point snipers and as I type this I realize that NONE OF MY READERS CARE about college basketball and it was SO DUMB to start a blog called TV My Wife Watches. Why didn't I just start a blog called Sports That I Watch?!?!! That would've been a pretty good idea, Ev! I mean, really, would it have been that hard to find the domain name, Sports That I Watch Dot Blogspot Dot Com? How bout ESPN Blogspot Dot Com? Or Anything Besides TV My Wife Watches Dot Blobspots Dots Coms?!?!

However, seeing that my blog followers are 90% women and I'm 100% whipped, let's just talk about American Idol and Top Chef and call it a day.

Idol was great, it's always great. I have nothing else to say. I friggin' love that show, love the new judges, love my wife, love reality television, and can't believe how absolutely bonkers beautiful J-Lo is. That cowboy kid was fantastic and even though that community college lovebird couple seemed REALLY annoying, that little kid sounded like friggin' Harry Connick Joons. Also, are you ready for this, I think Ryan Seacrest is funny and I kinda like him.

Yep, I said it. The guy has a good personality and was fantastic in his cameo role in Knocked Up. I've heard a lot of people say, "I think he's just really good at what he does," blah blah blah, but the bottom line is that he's a funny dude, doesn't take himself too seriously and probably has televisions in every room of his house.

This guy is not mentioned ONCE in this blog. How is that possible?!?!

Top Chef was also good. Kinda sad to see Tre go home, I always liked The Black Italian. I was actually hoping Dale would be sent packing, I think he's a jerk. He's always freaking out and barking at people and when he does his little confessional interviews, he sits back with his arms folded like a sulky kid who isn't allowed to have a television in his bedroom.

But no one is worse than Angelo. It's gotten to the point where everything he does annoys me; his mannerisms, the way he grates pepper, the way he doesn't get back on defense and refuses to dive on the floor for loose balls. Also, whenever he presents his dish, he always says something like, "Here I have a beautiful lamb shank, with some gorgeous lamb balls," always feeling the need to talk up his food. He's the ultimate Top Chef villain. I wonder if he slept with Carlos Boozer?

Lastly, kinda cool that all the slick Italians at Rao's knew Tom Colicchio and Anthony Bourdain and Lorraine Bracco. Even cooler to hear Lorrain Bracs tell the story about how Martin Scorsese's mom made all the food on set for the cast and crew of Good Fellas. I roasted a chicken last night that I bought at Acme and it was terrible. But I did totally see Mason Plumlee ram on some dude's neck. That dude is a beast.

American Idol: I Kinda Love J-Lo and Steven Tyler ... and Miley Cyrus

Hand on the belly, Randy, hand on the belly ... perfect!

I gotta admit, I was a little nervous when season 10 of American Idol started off with 60,000 people chanting, "Jersey! Jersey! Jersey!" but last night's premier was fantastic.

Obviously the most concerning issue going into last night was the likability of the new judges, J-Lo and Steven Tyler, and Idol's ability to overcome the loss of a British man who attempted to revolutionize the way American's look at buttons on shirts. But Steven Tyler was great (because quite frankly, he's out of his mind) and J-Lo is just so absolutely ridiculously beautiful and holy smokes is she amazing! was very sweet and kind and fun and proved to be more than just a pretty face and body and holy guacamole. J-Lo's New Yorker Puerto Rican twang also gives her some street cred and helps make up for the loss of Simon's British accent. Also, last night she actually said "oy" as in "oy-vey" as in "Oy-vey, I can't believe little Joshua is dating a shiksa. Is he serious? He can't be serious. Ugh, and this corned beef is terrible. And such small portions."

Oh, aren't you just ...

The highlight of the show for me (besides some almost, ALMOST, tear jerking storylines) was the Japanese dude who sang and danced to Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA," a song that I did not realize I liked so much. Seriously, it's an amazing song. I defy you, I DEFY YOU to listen to that song and not bob your head. (clip below)

And now for TV My Wife Watches confession #347:

I think I really really really like Miley Cyrus and everything she's doing. More than just that song, I also support Miley's recent appearances on TMZ, giving dude's lap dances and smoking bongs. I also kind of like her raspy voice, her clean hair and total obliviousness for what goes on in a normal person's life. I saw her on Regis and Kathie Lee a few months ago and was really impressed by her ability to look and sound exactly like my Aunt Maxine. I support you Miley Cyrus and I totally understand why people hate you.

TV My Wife Watches Winter Preview

You're telling me you wouldn't watch this show?

After Monday night when Bristol Palin is crowned the first Dancing With the Stars champion without actually being a dancer, a star, or a living, breathing human, my wife and I will have some open slots in our TV watching shedrool. Of course, I would love to fill those gaps with college basketball, Iron Chef reruns and more college basketball, but I'd also like to stay married and continue my life as a living, breathing human.

I don't know what we'll watch; and would love your suggestions as to any shows to put into our rotation that you'd like me to blog about (or any feedback whatsoever to show me that more than my mother and three people in Denmark read this thing).

There are however some big-time shows coming back in January that I'll have to take into consideration when making my schedule for grad school classes. Let's take a look at some of those shows and things to come in the world of TV My Wife Watches.

American Idol - January 12th, 2011 - As annoying as Kara DioGuardi was, I am going to miss her over-the-top desperate flirting with Simon and every male contestant below the age of 37. Kara being in the spotlight always carried with it the chance that a sex-tape of her getting quadruple-teamed could surface at any moment. Jennifer Lopez seems much more reserved, but does have a track record of blowing people's minds with her butt, breasts and horrific fashion sense.

Who knows what Steven Tyler will bring? (who has also been known to blow people's minds with his butt). Part of me thinks he'll be annoying in his "I'm a rock star, I do this," sort of way, but then again, he is a legit rock star and could bring an interesting perspective to the show. Also, he has the potential to bang both J-Lo and Seacrest, which is nice.  

Just putting my left hand back here for balance, that's all.

Also, I think we forget just how friggin hot J-Lo was back in the day. There was a time when I considered her to be the absolute hottest chick ever. Granted, I also anointed a different girl with this title during every single day at Hebrew school, but you get what I'm saying.

Here is a timeline of the hottest chicks in the world during my lifetime (born in 1977):

1983 - Christie Brinkley - the first woman to entice a boner out of me. You never forget your first.

Helmet necessary? No ......... Gloves? Well, that's another story.

1988 - Elle Macpherson - the only thing better than getting Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue as an 11 year old was ordering pizza and watching Saturday Night's Main Event. You could also make a case for Macho Man Savage's manager, Elizabeth as deserving this honor.  

Hello bone'ski!

1991 - Various Different Women from Penthouse Magazine - My cousin Lee kept a pile of 1970's era Penthouses underneath his bed and I absolutely ransacked his collection during my early teenage years. It is truly amazing how breasts have become infinitely less pointy in the past 30 years.

1992 - Vanessa Williams - She also appeared in Penthouse.

Hello limp'ski!

1993 - 1998 - Any Girl Who Showed Me Any Kind of Attention (and there were very very few).

1999 - Mariah Carey - nothing incites anger out of women more than hearing that dudes think Mariah is hot. Ladies, for the record, MARIAH IS BANGING!

Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just laying down on these gigantic boxes.

2001 - J-Lo

Just sitting in the world's most uncomfortable position, that's all!

Present - Christina Hendricks, Kim Kardash, Megan Fox, the chick from Modern Family and my wife. - Also, the occasional woman waiting on the corner for a bus. 
 

Shoot me in the face!

Big Love - January 16th, 2011 - I'm actually not that big of a fan of this show, but my wife loves it. It's okay I guess; I liked that dude Roman and how evil he was, but I think he's dead. Also, I like how his (ex)wife, Chloe Whatshername's mother is always trying to kill people.

Margene is funny enough, and Chloe Whatshername's character is insane, so yeah, maybe I do like this show?

The Bachelor - January 3rd, 2011 - Look, if you're a fan of comedies like East Bound and Down, The Office and University of Michigan football, you will LOVE The Bachelor. Without a doubt, one of the funniest shows in the history of television. This year, ABC has selected a dude who was already the Bachelor a few years ago and refused to select either of his two final chicks. I'm so excited to watch him give women chlamydia.

To be honest, I actually think that The Bachelorette is the better of the two shows because watching a group of 20 dudes competing for a girl's attention is SO EMBARRASSING and HORRIBLE, but The Bachelor and his 20 HOT CHICKS can be VERY dramatic as well. Also, the last few bachelors have been absolute stiffs and produced some unbelievably riveting television. Jason dumped his fiancee on live television and minutes later professed his love for the girl he had dumped a month prior. Mr. Airplane guy telling Vienna to shut up was probably the most uncomfortable / amazing thirty minutes of my life since Christie Brinks popped my first boner.

Push-ups start tonight!

Live Chat - Also, for the season debut of The Bach on January 3rd, I am planning on having the first ever TV My Watches Live Chat on the site. Granted, I have no idea how to do this, but I plan to make it happen. Keep in mind however that this is coming from the guy who also planned to write a screenplay this year, clean out the weeds in the backyard and start up a push-ups and sit-ups routine before going to bed every night for the last fifteen years. Tonight's the night!

I also plan on incorporating a podcast on the site. I may also take my robe off sometime this week.

Any suggestions for shows that my wife and I should watch? Please put them in the comments section.

Any suggestions as to how I can once again learn to successfully pop a boner would also be greatly appreciated.

Dancing With the Stars: Week 5 - See Ya Flo-Ho

Oh, don't look so shocked Flo-Ho ... you knew your time was up!

With playoff baseball dominating our television, I did not see this week's Dancing With The Stars and the final performance of Florence Hendy (nor did I see Mad Men ... but expect a report on the finale soooooon).

Although looking back, it's probably better than I didn't see DWTS, because I'm turning into a bit of a DWTS snob. Look, I'm even referring to it as DWTS. How snobby is that? I might as well show up at cocktail parties and start every sentence with, "You knowwww, I just read in the New York Timessss ...." It's gotten to the point that when I watch these pseudo-celebrities dance, I actually critique their performances with my wife. We discuss their abilities to "stay in the frame" and their "musicality" and whether or not they "really believed that they were a swan."

When we first started watching, we'd simply look at each other and say, "that was fun!" or "wow, I never knew Russian women could take their feet and clamp 'em around a man's ear and then propel themselves into the air like a golden swan!" When did we make this switch? And how flexible are Russian women?

I think I can pinpoint the time that I started taking American Idol too seriously. We were watching with our friends Law and Mandy, and thought it'd be a good idea to pause the show after each performance and have our own panel discussion. This lasted about two songs until we realized that we were the biggest losers of all time and Law was standing up to demonstrate how to properly handle a microphone. This was fascinating considering Law had not performed in front of anyone since his marginally impressive performance as a snowman in our 3rd grade play. And yet, here he was giving Crystal Bowersox pointers as if his name was Andrew Lloyd Webber. And even more embarrassing, Crystal Bowersox WAS NOT EVEN IN HIS LIVING ROOM!

Perfect form: mic jammed in face, left hand on the hammer.

I think my week off from Dancing With the Stars will be beneficial. Maybe I can check myself and return to the days of watching the show free and easy, the way Crystal Bowersox probably does. Despite my six weeks of ballroom dancing experience and the interpretive dance solo that I performed at Law's wedding, I'm probably not as credible a judge as Len Goodman. I'm done being so hard on these sort-of-celebrities who are just trying their best.

I'll tell ya what though, Florence Henderson danced like an absolute slut. She had to go.