TV My Wife Watches Winter Preview

You're telling me you wouldn't watch this show?

After Monday night when Bristol Palin is crowned the first Dancing With the Stars champion without actually being a dancer, a star, or a living, breathing human, my wife and I will have some open slots in our TV watching shedrool. Of course, I would love to fill those gaps with college basketball, Iron Chef reruns and more college basketball, but I'd also like to stay married and continue my life as a living, breathing human.

I don't know what we'll watch; and would love your suggestions as to any shows to put into our rotation that you'd like me to blog about (or any feedback whatsoever to show me that more than my mother and three people in Denmark read this thing).

There are however some big-time shows coming back in January that I'll have to take into consideration when making my schedule for grad school classes. Let's take a look at some of those shows and things to come in the world of TV My Wife Watches.

American Idol - January 12th, 2011 - As annoying as Kara DioGuardi was, I am going to miss her over-the-top desperate flirting with Simon and every male contestant below the age of 37. Kara being in the spotlight always carried with it the chance that a sex-tape of her getting quadruple-teamed could surface at any moment. Jennifer Lopez seems much more reserved, but does have a track record of blowing people's minds with her butt, breasts and horrific fashion sense.

Who knows what Steven Tyler will bring? (who has also been known to blow people's minds with his butt). Part of me thinks he'll be annoying in his "I'm a rock star, I do this," sort of way, but then again, he is a legit rock star and could bring an interesting perspective to the show. Also, he has the potential to bang both J-Lo and Seacrest, which is nice.  

Just putting my left hand back here for balance, that's all.

Also, I think we forget just how friggin hot J-Lo was back in the day. There was a time when I considered her to be the absolute hottest chick ever. Granted, I also anointed a different girl with this title during every single day at Hebrew school, but you get what I'm saying.

Here is a timeline of the hottest chicks in the world during my lifetime (born in 1977):

1983 - Christie Brinkley - the first woman to entice a boner out of me. You never forget your first.

Helmet necessary? No ......... Gloves? Well, that's another story.

1988 - Elle Macpherson - the only thing better than getting Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue as an 11 year old was ordering pizza and watching Saturday Night's Main Event. You could also make a case for Macho Man Savage's manager, Elizabeth as deserving this honor.  

Hello bone'ski!

1991 - Various Different Women from Penthouse Magazine - My cousin Lee kept a pile of 1970's era Penthouses underneath his bed and I absolutely ransacked his collection during my early teenage years. It is truly amazing how breasts have become infinitely less pointy in the past 30 years.

1992 - Vanessa Williams - She also appeared in Penthouse.

Hello limp'ski!

1993 - 1998 - Any Girl Who Showed Me Any Kind of Attention (and there were very very few).

1999 - Mariah Carey - nothing incites anger out of women more than hearing that dudes think Mariah is hot. Ladies, for the record, MARIAH IS BANGING!

Oh, I didn't see you there. I was just laying down on these gigantic boxes.

2001 - J-Lo

Just sitting in the world's most uncomfortable position, that's all!

Present - Christina Hendricks, Kim Kardash, Megan Fox, the chick from Modern Family and my wife. - Also, the occasional woman waiting on the corner for a bus. 
 

Shoot me in the face!

Big Love - January 16th, 2011 - I'm actually not that big of a fan of this show, but my wife loves it. It's okay I guess; I liked that dude Roman and how evil he was, but I think he's dead. Also, I like how his (ex)wife, Chloe Whatshername's mother is always trying to kill people.

Margene is funny enough, and Chloe Whatshername's character is insane, so yeah, maybe I do like this show?

The Bachelor - January 3rd, 2011 - Look, if you're a fan of comedies like East Bound and Down, The Office and University of Michigan football, you will LOVE The Bachelor. Without a doubt, one of the funniest shows in the history of television. This year, ABC has selected a dude who was already the Bachelor a few years ago and refused to select either of his two final chicks. I'm so excited to watch him give women chlamydia.

To be honest, I actually think that The Bachelorette is the better of the two shows because watching a group of 20 dudes competing for a girl's attention is SO EMBARRASSING and HORRIBLE, but The Bachelor and his 20 HOT CHICKS can be VERY dramatic as well. Also, the last few bachelors have been absolute stiffs and produced some unbelievably riveting television. Jason dumped his fiancee on live television and minutes later professed his love for the girl he had dumped a month prior. Mr. Airplane guy telling Vienna to shut up was probably the most uncomfortable / amazing thirty minutes of my life since Christie Brinks popped my first boner.

Push-ups start tonight!

Live Chat - Also, for the season debut of The Bach on January 3rd, I am planning on having the first ever TV My Watches Live Chat on the site. Granted, I have no idea how to do this, but I plan to make it happen. Keep in mind however that this is coming from the guy who also planned to write a screenplay this year, clean out the weeds in the backyard and start up a push-ups and sit-ups routine before going to bed every night for the last fifteen years. Tonight's the night!

I also plan on incorporating a podcast on the site. I may also take my robe off sometime this week.

Any suggestions for shows that my wife and I should watch? Please put them in the comments section.

Any suggestions as to how I can once again learn to successfully pop a boner would also be greatly appreciated.