Never trust a man with an Adam's Apple the size of Trenton. |
New Jerooz - the Armpit of America
Absolutely Insane
Danielle, stay here and show off your perfect butt while I karate chop that guy in the neck. |
Danny - the sweatpants-loving "friend" of Danielle Staub's
Everybody's favorite ex-con may be the only person who likes sweatpants more than I do. I'm not even sure if I've ever seen Danny in sweatpants, but I imagine he always wears them along with all-white high tops and sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off. My most vivid memory of Danny was when Danielle gave him VIP access to her pole dancing demonstration ("engage and suggest") and he sat there nodding and biting his lower lip like a member of Jodeci. I wouldn't have been surprised if he tucked a cloth napkin into his shirt and pulled out a knife and fork while he watched. I apologize to any women who may have just barfed all over themselves. Also, Danny, if you're reading this, please don't kill me.Needs His Own Show
I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon? |
Teresa's husband is an absolute cro-magnon man and could climb out of debt if he only starred in his own spin-off. We could follow Joe around as he tried to handle day-to-day tasks such as holding a pencil or conversing with a human. I am looking forward to the day when a Page Six reporter breaks the story that Joe is the father of Ronnie from Jersey Shore. I would also like to apologize to the real Captain Caveman for comparing such a dickhead to a comedic legend.
Complete Idiot
And you wanna be my latex salesman? |
Look, I think it's sweet that Caroline and her family fully support Albie in his quest to become a lawyer. And it's great that he tries so hard and is determined to achieve his goal, but this dude needs a new goal. I taught Middle School Special Ed for three years and told my kids that they could achieve anything if they put their mind to it, but I WAS LYING! There's no shame in having a learning disability, but there is shame in hiring an incompetent attorney. Albie, how about a more attainable goal, like selling grapefruits? I love grapefruits!
Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
No idea what's going on here. |
Besides dating the absolute stupidest person in the world, Ashley's boyfriend actually seems to be somewhat
New York - The City That Never Shuts Up
Absolutely Insane
Here's looking at you, dude. |
This guy is out of his mind. He babbles incessantly, is constantly getting into arguments and probably has a meth problem considering he's always sucking on lollypops. He also cries more than any other man besides Dick Vermeil.
Needs His Own Show
Now where did I put my dignity? |
We could go a variety of different ways for Simon's show: we could follow him at his hotel, put him on a sitcom, or my personal favorite: have him coach his sons' soccer team. I mean, the guy is British so he's probably more knowledgeable on the subject than most American dads, plus he has no idea how to supervise children. Actually, now that I think about it, he should coach football. Call me Simon, we can make this happen!
Complete Idiot
Not a good move for Adidas's marketing campaign. |
First of all, he's married to Ramona. Secondly, his name is Mario. The only other Marios out there are a video game plumber and a dude who played Greg Louganis in Breaking The Surface: The A.C. Slater Story. Also, I vaguely remember him taking a tennis match with Simon WAY too seriously when Simon had clearly never done anything athletic in his life (which makes this Simon coaching show an even better idea!).
Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
Jill's boob is almost in his breast pocket. |
Besides wearing those colored dress shirts with the white collars (the #1 sign of a douche), he seems nice enough. Also, he has a beard, which is cool.
Atlanta - Dominique Wilkins's Boneyard
Absolutely Insane
Nice nips. |
There's no way this guy is a doctor. I'm not even sure if he's employed. Plus, what's up with his balding pattern? There have been some strange bald spots in the history of bald spots (Rasheed Wallace, Goran Pandev, my pubis), but his is like a reverse mohawk. I genuinely think this guy is a virgin. I'll tell you who's not a virgin: Greg Louganis.
Needs His Own Show
You can actually see the hairspray IN the photograph. |
This guy is so fancy! For his show, I'm thinking we get him, Miss. J, Jay Manuel, the guy from the Real Housewives of DC and your gay cousin and have them scurry around town, speaking in their funny little way that they do and see what hi-jinks ensue. I envision it being just like True Blood.
Complete Idiot
I secretly think this guy is an absolute jerk. |
Probably the most pretentious of all the people on these shows and that's REALLY saying something. Also, I'm pretty sure that this guy is either foreign or has some sort of syndrome. I can't believe Cynthia's marrying him. He has a syndrome!
Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable
This picture was for his homies back in the klink. |
I genuinely think Apollo is sweet and kind and has been fully rehabilitated, just like Michael Vick. I also know very little about him which makes him a perfect candidate for this category.
Apologies go out to all the dudes of D.C., Beverly Hills, Orange County and anyone married to Sarah Palin. I imagine they are all very entertaining as well, there's just not enough hours in the day.
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