Wednesday's Wifeys - The Real Housewives of BH and Atlanta

Listen, love this blog or LOATHE it, you can't say that I don't find DYNAMITE pictures.

Evster's note: This is not a traditional Wednesday's Wifey post -- it's more like a combo Wednesday Wifey/Real Housewives jawn. Actually, it's more like a regular Housewives column that happened to fall on a Wednesday. So boom, here's the double-dipper. I'm aware that this is a total cop-out. I'm also aware that Combos are delicious.

Ever since I started watching simultaneous seasons of the Real Housewives, this blorg has gotten much more angry and misogynistic.

I blame women.

But hey, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," right? What a crock that is -- probably a woman who made that one up. Who are you to tell me what and what not to say!

As dumb as that saying is (and as much as I think Hillary Clinton should sex it up a little bit) there must be something charming about these housewives from Beverly Hills, right? Atlanta's got it going on, I actually like those ladies, but the white women from BH? Eeesh. Let's try to see if these ladies do in fact have some redeeming qualities.

I've honestly never seen a happier couple.

Camille Still Goin' With Grammer

For People Who Don't Watch: Kelsey Grammer's ex-wife

Redeeming Qualities: Has good rhythm ... decent bowler ... shares the same first name as Bill Cosby's wife.

My wiiife, Camiiiiiillllleee (that's my Bill Cosby impression) had a bit of a rough start with the Beverly Hills crew, but seems to have settled in nicely. Also, her name is very similar to "Camilla," Gonzo's chicken friend, who I've always liked a great deal.

"Joe Louis was 137 years old!"

Lisa Vanderpump, Yep, Vanderpump

For People Who Don't Watch: The British lady

Redeeming Qualities: Always shows cleavage ... quick-witted ... British accent. 

I guess if there's one person you'd want to go out for tea and scones with, it'd be Vanderpumps, and not just because she's British and probably knows a lot about tea, but because she probably also knows a lot about scones. Little known fact: you can never know enough about scones (so underrated!). Then again, do you really want to have tea with a person who spends the entire meal bragging about how much they know about scones? The answer for me is "yes." Especially if that person is also showing off some major cleave. Ugh, I disgust myself. That woman's like 75 years old. She's also filthy disgusting rich. I sorta love her.

Are they in a sauna?

Bootleg Brandi 

For People Who Don't Watch: My personal fave.

Redeeming Qualities: Ain't never scurred ... nipples like a barracuda ... fantastic bowler. 

Not necessarily the person you'd want to go bra shopping with, but seems to have a bunch of nice young friends who know how to slurp 'n burp. By the way, according to my wife (and this big-tittied lady that we saw on What Not to Wear the other day), a good bra is THE ABSOLUTE MOST IMPORTANT thing in the world. And yet Brandi chooses to live life without one ... God bless her.

Oh my God Kim that's so funny seriously so funny please move away oh no no no it's seriously so funny I know I know we're best friends awesome I love this seat. 

Kim Big Sis Richards

For People Who Don't Watch: The lady who just checked into rehab.

Redeeming Qualities: Makes everyone around her feel better about themselves. 

Reality gold this woman, reality gold.

At my buddy's wedding, I gave a speech about his new bride that was POORLY received (and interpreted) by his wife. In the speech, I was trying to convey that the woman he was marrying was SO BONKERS that their life together was guaranteed to be entertaining. It might be crazy, it might be outta control, but it was going to be exciting ... going to the supermarket, ordering scones, folding socks ... all mundane activities, but with his wife, exhilarating. Her energy MADE LIFE INTERESTING, EXCITING, WORTH LIVING. Regardless, she didn't appreciate it (nor will she appreciate me comparing her to Kim Richards), BUT THEY'RE BOTH INCREDIBLY CAPTIVATING. Everything Kim does -- weeping, falling down, pointing, sitting on washing machines eating Cheetos -- is fun to watch. And isn't that what life's all aboot Celine Dion?

There's honestly so many Jax on the floor, and Kyle, hate to break it to you, but THAT'S NOT A REAL VACUUM YOUR DAUGHTER IS USING.

Kyle Lil' Syst Richards

For People Who Don't Watch: Kim's sister and Paris Hilton's aunt.

Redeeming Qualities: Can do a split ... has long-enough hair to make wigs for 37 cancer patients. 

Kyle recently wrote a book that only costs $16 (hardback). C'mon, that's a pretty fair price for a book these days.

How many pillows does she have behind her?

Taylor Something

For People Who Don't Watch: The one whose husband killed himself.

Redeeming Qualities: Hmmmm, good at screaming and crying?

If you were making a movie, and in the movie there was a scene where some guy needed to slaughter an antelope, she'd be a great antelope stunt double.

Now obviously it's much easier to find positive qualities about the Atlanta housewives -- they're kinda cool -- so let's fly through these next few (because honestly it's the end of the day on Wednesday and I haven't posted in a week and the four people who actually read this blorg are all over me to post something).


So there's that move.

NeNe Boom Boom Leakes

For People Who Don't Watch: The big jawn from the Apprentice.

Redeeming Qualities: Funny ... charismatic ... my wife thinks she always wears great nailpolish.

The Real Housewives version of Charles Barkley. She definitely doesn't live by the whole "if you don't have something nice to say" credo, in fact, sometimes she's a bully. But so was Charles.

DJ Steve Sidewalk. Real person. "No, no, I'm not gonna go with DJ Sidewizzle, I'm going with DJ Steve Sidewalk. Yeah, 'cause I'm like the DJ who does stuff on the sidewalk. And my name's Steve, sooooo ..." 

Kim Zolciak-Biermann

For People Who Don't Watch: The white lady.

Redeeming Qualities: Registered Nurse ... equal opportunity employer ... has cute kids. 

Look, it's undeniable, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party" was a total megajam. It doesn't make any sense! IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE ... but it's undeniable.

I mean, that's a RIDICKULOUS thing to say to a person, and yet she pulled it off. I can't imagine anyone saying, "Hey, Freddy, dude, I'm having a party this weekend, thinking it'll start about 6. Gonna be cool, my girl's making around 13 different kinds of dips. In fact, we're gonna have a different dip in every room, kinda like an around the world thing, but with dips. So yeah, it starts at 6, don't be tardy for the party. What's that? No, no, I didn't say "don't be tardy for the party," I said be there around 6. Six is a good time. If you arrive later than 6, that's ehhh, that's fine, but I'd try to get there at 6. Lots of dips man, lots of dips. I just wanna make sure you get some." But she did! In a song!

Whatever starcasm.net, get over yourself.

Phaedra Parks, Esq.

For People Who Don't Watch: A lawyer who represents male strippers, including one guy named "Ridickulous" who can legitimately suck his own crank.

Redeeming Qualities: Sweet disposition ... gets buckwild with eye shadow ... probably slept with the entire Atlanta Braves outfield in 1993 (including Otis Nixon). 

For those of you who don't know what Otis Nixon looks like (essentially everybody who reads this) ...

Just keeping it real.

Traces of gonorrhea, too.

Kandi Ballgag Burruss

For People Who Don't Watch: Former member of the R&B group, Xscape. Is R&B still a thing?

Redeeming Qualities: Total pervert ... legit singer ... wide open sexually. 

I can't imagine how many ballgags are probably in the top drawer of her bedside table.

Where ya at now, starcasm.net?!?!

Cynthia GET OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE NOW Bailey

For People Who Don't Watch: Former model, RIDICKulously beautiful.

Redeeming Qualities: Super pretty ... once dated Russell Simmons ... could probably help you find your way around the New York City subway system. 

Legs that go all the way up.

If you don't have anything nice to say ...

Shereé Did I put the é Thingy on the Right e? Whitfield 

For People Who Don't Watch: Ex-wife of all-pro tackle Bob Whitfield.

Redeeming Qualities: Ex-wife of all-pro tackle Bob Whitfield ... has a really cute and sad sad teenage son.

Donkey-butt.

(That's a good thing!)

Anybody seen the remote?

My wife is making me read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo because she wants to see the movie with me on Christmas. So for the next few weeks, I'm gonna use this space down here to give status updates on where I'm at in the book. I don't know if that's interesting at all, but I'm doing it. The thing is like 600 pages long and that's about 583 more pages than I can usually read. Right now I'm on page 168 and I'm enjoying it. This Lisbeth lady is sneaky as a mug. All right, here's your stupid picture of something.

RHOA Quiz: What Type of Fan are You?

Right back at ya girlfriend! Also, kind of amazed she doesn't have a tatt on her left bicep. (Racist?)

So much of this website is "Hey, I've got something to say, you should read this, my wife does this, blah blah blah, I'm a dude, please kill me, sports inside joke, titboob..." so I thought it'd be a good time for you to actually get something out of reading this blorg.

So ladies, here's a little quiz for you to find out what kind of a Real Housewives of Atlanta fan you are. And don't worry, you don't have to actually watch the show to take the quiz. I gotta be honest, I haven't seen the show in two weeks and I'm still blogging about it.

My overall knowledge of the Real Housewives of A.T.L. is:

A) I’ve seen a few eps, but I gotta admit, I probably won’t end up reading this entire blog post. In fact, I’m already tempted to just scroll down and look at the pictures.

B) I’m a die hard. NeNe for life, yo.

C) I mean c’mon, do I really need to know anything about the show to take this dumb quiz? It’s a bunch of black chicks. And a white chick. And they do stuff.

When NeNe says things like, “Damn, girl! You be throwing those legs back?!” … that means:

A) I have no idea. I have a very hard time understanding black people.

B) That somebody’s getting some donk-donk!

C) All right, we’re two questions in and this already seems racist. That being said, I too like to throw my legs back de temps en temps.

If a woman pronounces the word “dildo” as “deeeel-doe,” then:

A) She probably has more experience with a deeldoe than I do.

B) I wanna hang out with that lady!

C) Once again, undercover racism. We should not judge people by the way they talk. That aside, I absolutely love dildos.

I had a buddy named The Shark who used to do that same "tongue bite" to try and get chicks.

Kim Zolciak claims to be 33 years old:

A) That’s the white lady, right? Yeah, if she’s 33, then my name’s Dan Dierdorf.
(by the way, if this is in fact Dan Dierdorf, I’d just like to say 1) thanks for reading and 2) I’ve always admired your mustache.) 

B) Look, I kinda like Kim, I really do, but I have a hard time believing she’s 33. I would also like to boink her fiancé.

C) OH HAY’LL NO, that bitch is not 33. I mean, judging from the picture of her on this blogpost, I don’t think she’s 33. I've never actually seen her. I don't watch that show. Is there an option D?

When NeNe said last week that she needs a man who is “y’know, a good eater.” I thought:

A) Once again, no idea what she’s talking about. There was once this black girl who was my lab partner in 11^th grade chemistry class, I think her name was Sharia, and I went an entire semester not knowing what the fuck she was talking about. She was great at mixing up chemicals and stuff though. We got an A.

B) Eating p*ssy is the #1 quality I look for in a man. Being able to fingerblast me while telling me I look skinny is #2.

C) I mean, obviously I want to choose option B, but can we please discuss how racist option A was?!?! I’m still choosing B though!

When NeNe occasionally lifts up her arm and has deodorant flakes in there, I think:

A) I don’t think that’s racist, but that seriously might be racist!

B) You would not believe how many deodorant flakes I currently have in my armpits.

C) I am so incredibly sex deprived.

Whenever Phaedra’s husband Apollo is on screen:

A) No idea who Apollo is, but I’d probably boink him.

B) I think that the fact that he’s a convicted felon makes him that much hotter.

C) I scream, “PLEASE TAKE YOUR GODDAMN SHIRT OFF AND RUB OIL ON YOUR CHEST ... ANY OIL, I HONESTLY DON’T CARE WHAT OIL … JUST RUB IT ALL OVER … CORN OIL, BABY OIL, MOTOR OIL … IS CORN OIL EVEN AN OIL? ... I'M GOING TO CORNOIL.COM RIGHT NOW.”

The chick that looks like Beverly Johnson is:

A) Way prettier than me. And I hate her.
B) In a tough relationship with a fella who's probably very difficult to live with. I know a little something about that because I too live with a dicknose.
C) All right, just checked out CornOil.com ... it's not a website, but there is a ChinaCornOil.com and that site didn't have one goddam picture of a shirtless male Chinese gymnast.

RESULTS

A) If you chose mostly A's, you are a racist.
B) If you chose mostly B's, you are my wife.
C) If you chose mostly C's, you are Kandi ... and you deserve some lovin'! ... and by "lovin'" I mean "sex!" 

Why don't I watch this show?!?! ... probably because my computer is always buffering.

Did you watch that Woody Allen jawn I told you to watch on PBS? You should've. 
Oh, who cares, right? But you should definitely check out this picture of a dude about to zipline over a gorge ... also, I have no idea what a gorge is.

RHOA: By Far the Best Housewives (Because They're Black!)

Get her Neen Machine!

"I'm not gonna stab you in the back. I'm gonna stab you in the chest." -- NeNe Leakes

I love big black women.

There was a time in my life when I was surrounded by them -- as a high school basketball player, I was cool with all the black chicks. I even got to Tootsie Roll with Shaya Bryant (Kobe's sister) at the 1994 Lower Merion High School Homecoming Dance. But now I'm just a 34 year-old Jewish stiff who lives in the suburbs and spends his weekends at places like arboretums.

For the record, my mother and I did in fact take a stroll at Tyler Arboretum this past Saturday, catching up and taking pictures of the foliage. It was actually quite lovely. We got a Groupon for it and everything. My wife stayed home and wrote her paper for grad school. I also had some peanut butter crackers from the gift shop. That's probably about the whitest thing a person could do. Although, I imagine that black people also love peanut butter crackers. This somehow makes me happy.

Yo, you gotta follow @NeNeLeakes on Twitty Twang. 

The fact that I haven't had one-on-one contact with a black lady in months? years? probably explains why I love the Real Housewives of the A.T.L. so much. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

RHOA brings a whole different flavor into my lame, whiteboy routine. Last night's season premiere not only featured the return of my girls, but also two flamboyant gay dudes: Miss J from America's Next Top Lunatic and Miss Lawrence, a hair-stylist / singer who looks and acts nothing like my friend Larry. There was also one commercial for Olive Oil organic hair root stimulator, which I didn't even know was a thing!

Probably a little more fun than taking pictures of foliage. 

Later in the show, Kandi (that's the single mom who used to be in Xscape and is probably the biggest pervert in the world) let it be known that she's going into the sex toy business. She and Phaedra and Sherée visited The Liberator sex store, which was exciting for my wife because apparently The Liberator is kind of a big deal. My wife even admitted as to once looking into getting The Liberator at one point in time.

I had never heard of The Liberator before, nor had I heard of Forever Lazy, which is currently sweeping the nation. After this tweet from follower @AngelaBittle, I totally thought it was a sex toy.

Turns out, Forever Lazy is a one-piece adult footed pajama.

These two certainly don't need help with their sex life. Although that dude does need a razor.

My Wife:  Hey Ev, I'm looking into getting The Liberator. Whaddya think?

Me:  Ehhhh, I'm more into the Forever Lazy.

My Wife:  But The Liberator will help out our sex life.

Me:  But the Forever Lazy will help out our lounge life.

My Wife:  You already bought one didn't you?

Me:  They're buy one get one!

My Wife:  I'm getting The Liberator. And I'm using it with a black dude.

Me:  Have you seen my Playstation headset?

The climax of last night's show featured my girl NeNe getting into a shouting match with Sherée about how NeNe may or may not have tried to swindle Sherée out of some money. Honestly, it seemed like NeNe was guilty as a mug, but I'm still taking her side because I love her unconditionally (and Sherée is kind of a snooze).

All in all, I'm just so happy to have black women back in my life.

Even if it does mean dodging the occasional chest-stabbing.





Tonight I expect huge fireworks at TVMWW's headquarters as the Beagles play on MNF at the same time as Dancing With the Stars and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Please pray for me. 
Or check out this really nice photo of Smokin' Joe Frazier running with his dog. Philly's Champ is currently on his deathbed.

Podcast Episode 4: Ev, Rev and Basha, the Real Housewife of Illadelph

Ev and Rev discuss Real Housewives, time capsules and the most bonkers reality TV moments of all time. Eventually, Rev's wife Basha feels compelled to join in.

Listen to episode 4 here.

Subscribe to the TVMWW podcast on iTunes. Just go to the iTunes music store, search for "TV My Wife Watches" and flizzim flazzem, you've got podcasts!

Also, follow Rev on Twitter @Rev215 and read his Philly sports columns at the700level.com.

Sunday Recap: Football, Atlanta Housewives, and a Key to a Successful Marriage

You're not impressing anyone #93.

With loads of football on yesterday, I figured I'd butter up to the wife (also known as "The Czar" these days) in an attempt to regain control of my remote and my sanity. So while she slept in, I straightened up our changing room, aka our future baby's room?, aka our future ping pong room?, aka the place where I currently leave all my pants on the floor, and she woke up completely blown away and VERY agreeable. Mission accomplished! And thus, I was able to watch the first half of the Packers-Bears game before I fell asleep on the couch and woke up an hour later to find her asleep on the other couch hugging the remote control and muttering sweet nothings about Mike Tomlin's ridiculously strong jaw line.

I gotta say though, it is LUDICROUS that NFL players feel the need to play in short sleeves in freezing cold temperatures. Who are they trying to impress here? Is it intimidating to look across the line of scrimm and see a guy who's pretending not to be cold? Yesterday, I went out to pick up some pizza and seriously considered putting on two pairs of long underwear. The only reason I didn't was because I straightened up to the point where I no longer know where anything is. I mean, I get it, I get it, football players are tough, real men wear short sleeves, Big Ben wears gloves on both hands, but real men also wake up at 7am on Sunday mornings to fold laundry. Real men also get ridiculously excited when Real Housewives of Atlanta comes on. I know this because real men also get BAR MITZVAH'D and I did that back in 1990, LIKE A BOSS!

This guy doesn't need short-sleeves to impress. But he does need furry boots.

Well, last night, my wife's brother, Nick, who doesn't own a television and is currently in that mid-20's, "I care about stuff" phase of his life, joined us in the living room and watched Real Housewives of Atlanta for the first time. Not the best first impression by my girl, Nene, as she came off like a crazy person who might wear short sleeves in freezing cold temperatures. Nick did however get a warm, southern, Atlanta introduction to Cynthia's butt. She's got a donk! It also became apparent that Cynthia's fiance, Peter, seriously needs to straighten up his house. That lady is on the brink.

Any time that Phaedra came on the screen, Nick asked if she was drunk. And at one point, this conversation took place:

Nick: Who's that guy?

My wife and I in unison: Kim's wig stylist.

All in all, a pretty fantastic Sunday: some football, a nap, a giant black woman threatening to strangle and pop out a white lady's eyeballs out (and drown her in the ocean, AND drown her in the ocean) and one very happy wife who may or may not be a dictator.

Our day ended with this clear reminder that my wife and I are definitely not in that mid-20's "hey, there's important stuff out there in the world!" state of our lives.

Nick: Anyone excited for the President's State of the Union Address?

Me: When's that? Tonight?

Nick: Tuesday.

My wife: I'll be at Zumba.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Jermaine Dupri is So So Short

How was this possible?!?!

Jermaine Dupri is honestly so short.

This is hardly news or any type of groundbreaking revelation, but he is seriously so short. I've always known JD was short and I've always known that I didn't like him, but after last Sunday's episode in which Nene interviewed Captain Shortstack and he was curt and distant and annoying and short, he cemented himself as the preeminent DB in the hip-hop world (which is REALLY saying something).

I did a Google search for "How short is Jermaine Dupri?" and it yielded minimal results, so I reluctantly searched for "How tall is Jermaine Dupri?" and found out that he is 5'3'' (and a half). So I imagine he tells people he's 5'4''. I am 5'9'' and 7/8ths and obviously 5'10'' sounds SO MUCH better, but I tell people I'm 5'9'' because I like to hear people say, "No wayyyyy. You're at least 5'10''. You're AT LEAST 5'10''!"

Look at Muggsy up on Mike! I guarantee Muggs got a steal here (or at least prevented a bucket!).

The rest of the episode centered around Kandi and Kim's promo-tour and the continued acceptance that Kim gets from the African American culture (which is MIND BOGGLING). Kim performed her latest single, "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" to an audience of wildly excited and accepting black people, further proving that I don't understand anything in this world. I guess having talent or the ability to carry a tune doesn't really matter in the music biz and the only thing people truly care about is a person's likability. This explains the public's affection for such stars as Antoine Dodson, The Pants on the Ground Guy and Kim. Because despite all of Kim's faults, she is sort of intelligent and charismatic and has really big you-know-what-skis.

Peter (Cynthia's fiance) continues to be terribly unlikable as he and Cynthia sat down with a counselor (friend?!) for couples therapy. After some uncomfortable bickering, the counselor asked Peter and Cynthia to look into each others' eyes and tell their partner what they loved about them. It was at this moment that Peter proved his total lameness.

He told Cynthia (a supermodel who has probably been showered with superficial compliments regarding her beauty her entire life) that he loved "her nose, her lips, her eyes and her soul ...." essentially showing that he knew nothing about her and just thinks she's pretty. Cynthia responded by saying she needed to stop and pick up again at a later time. I really really hope they don't get married and after typing that last sentence I just realized how much of an ABSOLUTE DORK I am! ... Why do I care whether or not they get married?!?! ... I don't even know them!! ... When did I become so invested in this reality TV garbage?!?! ... What is WRONG with me? ... I couldn't start a blog called, Sports, Buffalo Wings and Stuff I Like To Do? ... I need to regain control of my remote and my life.

Worse than Peter and Cynthia? ... I'm not so sure!

Regardless, Peter and Cynthia's trainwreck of a relationship may lead to an upcoming post examining some of the worst couples currently on reality television.  

"Examining?" ... "EXAMINING?!?!" ... Why do I feel the need to EXAMINE their relationships?!?! ... I'm not a sociologist ... I don't even really care! ... Man, somebody PLEASE punch me in the nuts ... PLEASE!!

Here are the worst couples on TV right now:

- Sammi and Ronnie, Jersey Shore - Sammie puts women back 75 years.
- Eric Williams and Jennifer, Basketball Wives - Pathetically hanging on to absolutely nothing.
- The Beverly Hills Housewife with the Ridiculously Large Lips and her Drip of a Husband, Real HW of Beverly Hills - Dude is just a drip and has no ability to please his wife in the sack.
- Peter and Cynthia, Real HW of Atlanta - Peter is just a jerk.

Jackée NEEDS her own show ... I'm looking at you, VH1!!

Lastly, on Watch What Happens: Live with Andy Cohen aka "The Man Who May Soon Run the Entire World", Andy had Jackée Harry on from 227. Now, I never watched 227 and didn't really know anything about Jackée before Sundee night, but let me just say that she is OUT OF HER MIND and I have NO IDEA how she has not worked since Two Two Sevvs. I'm guessing she was in a mental hospital for the last twenty-five years, but if there are any producers out there who want to co-produce a show with me and Jackée, HOLLER AT YOUR BOY!!

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Very Educational

Not proper Heimlich technique.

They say that "you learn something new everyday," and yesterday I learned that Desean Jackson is a pimp. In Desean's defense, I actually already knew that he was a pimp, but now he will officially go down as one of Philadelphia's all-time pimps along with Wilt Chamberneezy, Chase Utley and various Jewish teenagers who make out with mad chicks every year at Pocono summer camps.

I also learned quite a few things later that evening by watching an educational program on PBS called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta." It seems as if PBS has put together a documentary exploring the issues of a modern day southern culture through a sociological lens. Last night, it was revealed by a man who must've been a doctor (although he was masquerading as Kim Zolciak's stylist) that "Side boob is the new butt cleavage." This profound statement will now be discussed at psychological and gastroenterological conferences across the globe.

To explore this hypothesis, we must first examine the popularity of butt cleavage, which I must admit, I didn't know was actually a thing. I mean, I knew it existed and I've certainly stared at my fair share of butt cracks, from plumbers to teenagers to Kardashians to every girl at Club Egypt from 1999-2006, but never realized it was a conscious united ploy by all women. Now that I think about it, OF COURSE IT WAS, as it led men to the allure of discovering that women were not actually wearing underwear, which was obviously another brilliant ploy and further proves that it MAKES NO SENSE why women do not rule this world! Seriously, how is it possible that women have been persecuted for so long and have struggled for civil rights and equality in the work place when CLEARLY they should be able to use their powers to GET WHATEVER THEY WANT?!?!

You can still find 'em.

Well, now with the introduction of side boob into the equation, there is a very good chance that Sarah Palin will become the next President of the free world. And still, for some reason, many Democratic women are upset about this?! Shouldn't they be celebrating? There is a VERY good chance that by 2016 all men will be forced to wear leashes and dog collars. And to be honest, I think the male gender as a whole is ready for this evolution.

Just last month, after this picture of Angie Everhart in a bikini was posted on my fantasy football league's homepage, my friend Dickdog offered to trade Randy Moss AND Brandon Marshall straight up for a "FULLY nude pic of Angie."

There's no way Angie wears Skechers Shape-Ups.

Here then is the email chain that followed Dickdog's trade request:

Me:  I actually like partial nudes better ... more erotic! ... Loaves knows what i'm talking about!

Hart:  Hart knows what you're taking about!

Larbage:  I like shots that can be used in anatomy journals.

Loaves:  Big fan of side boob and under boob, but I think I'm the biggest fan of see-through boob. See-through shirt boob, I mean. An actual see-through boob would be gross unless there was another boob in it.

Feddd:  Could you imagine a see-through boob with another boob in it?!

Dickdog:  Saw a great side boob of Miley Cyrus the other day!

Swapping this pic could probably land you Santana Moss.

Look, the bottom line is that we (the members of The Chodage Fantasy Football League) are TOTALLY READY for the Side Boob era. For the record, we'd also be ready for the return of the Regular Boob Era, the Gigantic Boob Era or even the Total Recall Triple-Ripple-Boob Era.

However, we would not be in favor of the return of the European Pointy Boob Era that seemed to explode during the mid 1970's and had a brief resurgence when the movie Chocolat came out. 

Time to end this crap; here are some other things that I learned during last night's documentary:

- On Watch What Happens Live!, Phaedra revealed that the first person she ever kissed was Jewish! This, along with the fact that Nene admitted last week that she was interested in dating a white dude deserves not only its own blogpost but probably its own seminar at psychological and gastroenterological conferences across the globe.  

- Phaedra also claimed that her baby was born 7 pounds and 23 ounces proving that I have no idea how conversion rates work.

- Kandi's record producer (who I believe goes by the name, "Selassie," which is amazing) has without a doubt the most comfortable looking desk chair I've ever seen in my life. It rivals those Saab / Audi racecar seats that European soccer teams use as their dugout chairs. Also, the fact that the word "racecar" is spelled the same forwards and backwards is still as interesting as it was twenty-five years ago.

Ronaldo laments the fact that side boobs are replacing butt cleave.

- Andy Cohen is taking over the world. Once just the dude who interviewed the housewives on reunion shows, he now has catch-phrases, a Twitter account and is representing Gay, Jewish dudes about as well as a Gay, Jewish dude could. As of now, I'd say there is about a 13% chance that my wife and I will stay in to watch Bravo's Wig Drop on New Years Eve and that number is RISING by the second.

Might even wear a dog collar!

Put that image in your head, Karin!

Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Show That Never Ceases To Amaze

Shoulda worn goggles.

Prior to Sundee night, I kinda thought going for shock value might have been a thing of the past. Between Sacha Baron Cohen, The Jackass movies and Mario Lopez still having a career, I figured I'd seen it all. But boy was I wrong. Because last Sundee night I saw a baby shit all over the place.

We've seen gross stuff on television before. We've seen people eating crickets on Fear Factor, we've seen hoarders living in filth, we've seen Kelly Ripa's clavicle, but never before has television shown us a live baby completely shit all over the place.

Your daughter is right to look at you like that, Kelly Ripa.

Even in real life, I've only heard of babies shitting all over the place, like when my friend Gil tells me about his son Nick shitting all over the place. I'll call him up and see if he wants to play raquetball and he'll be all, "Oh, sorry Ev, I can't. My baby just took a shit all over the place." I've also been around friends while they were changing dirty diapers and heard them call from the other room, "Holy shit, Ev! You should really come see this! Whew! That's terrible. My baby just shit all over the place!" But I've never taken them up on it.

Well, thanks to The Real Housewives of Atlanta and Phaedra deciding to have a photo shoot with her naked baby and his little muffin ass, I have now seen what it looks like when a baby completely and totally shits all over the place. It was like a Gallagher show. The most amazing thing that Bravo decided to show (besides a baby's ass exploding) was the shot of Phaedra actually holding her hand under her baby's ass while shit (I believe it was shit, I don't have DVR and didn't have the opportunity to rewind it, but I'm pretty sure it was shit) was HANGING out of Aiden's butt. This shocking sight was trumped only seconds later by Phaedra cleaning off her shit-covered hands with a NAPKIN. I mean, I understand that Aiden's little baby shit is probably some of the cleanest shit out there, but Phaedra, SHOULDN'T YOU FIND A SINK?!?! ... How about one of those industrial sinks that are only found in high school art classrooms with water color brushes everywhere? Couldn't she find one of those?!?! ... Let's move on to some other baffling stuff that this show had to offer.

Kim's lesbian girlfriend, Tracy. All right, let me just start by saying that I am VERY lesbian friendly. In fact, I have always gotten along extremely well with lesbians (and I'm talking all types of lesbians, from softball players to democrats) and I feel the need to preface this because I'm about to make fun of a lesbian and anytime one makes fun of a minority it is imperative that they make it clear that they like have no problems with said minority. But Kim's lesbian girlfriend Tracy definitely has something wrong with her, right? I can't tell; she's either retarded, constantly drunk, foreign or has a speech impediment, or she may be completely and totally deaf, it's very confusing. But clearly there is SOMETHING wrong with her speech patterns. If she is in fact deaf or retarded or has any other physical ailment, then I certainly feel for her, but it would certainly explain a lot about this relationship and one's attraction to Kim. That being said, she's probably a lovely person and has an innate ability to turn a double play.

I'm always amazed at how cool athletes' signatures are.

Staying with the whole lesbian theme, Sheree is looking more and more like a man these days with her Manny Pacquiao arms. I don't get females' fascination with having definition in their arms. For some reason, so many women find having defined muscles to be insanely attractive whereas men much prefer boobs and more boobs. Kelly Ripa, Madonna, Adam Lambert, all of these ladies need to calm down with their weight training. Sheree's combination of working out and menopause is making her look more and more like a horse every day.

When did I become so judgmental?!?! And since when has "judgmental" been spelled without an "e" after the "g"?

These ladies love chicks with guns.

Some other quick thoughts:

- Kim's voice coach is AMAZING at her job, because Kim is a HORRIFIC singer and if they are able to make a hit out of this "Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" song, then I am hiring a musical coach STAT and recording some songs for my debut album, "The Monn: Unloaded." Actually, in case you didn't know, I did actually once release an album (cover) a few years ago without any songs on it. I sold zero copies.

Just laying back in the cut.

- Peter further cemented himself as Captain Cranky Pants and is very quickly climbing the ranks of the all-time reality jerks. The way he treated Cynthia was totally uncalled for and I hope she either divorces him or gets impregnated by an Atlanta Falcon STAT.

- HOWEVER, I totally understand Peter's reaction towards Nene when she called Cynthia and asked to speak to Peter to see if he had a problem with her. Long story short, Peter was having a rough day(s) and when he saw Nene at an event, he was not his normal friendly self. Nene, who was also having a rough day(s) was frustrated at this and later called Peter to see if there was a problem. Peter was so put off to having to deal with this ridiculous phone call that he was very curt with Nene and unfortunately added fuel to the fire to where a non-issue has now become an issue.

This was a classic male-female confrontation that could easily have been avoided by either having a woman CALM THE FREEPS'D DOWN or having a male handle the situation by just smiling and nodding and saying the right things.

I always loved these two!

Peter was frustrated because he HAD NO PROBLEM with Nene, was just having a bad day and that was that. He did not see a reason for a phone call, didn't see a reason to have to explain himself and certainly wasn't prepared for his friend (Nene) to call him up with some unnecessary drama. Dudes don't do this. They don't call a fella up after having an argument and say, "Yo, we still cool?" It's unnecessary. We're still cool. There's no reason to air it out, no reason to get all crazy, just chalk it up as one of us having a rough day and that's that. Women on the other hand (in this case The Neen Machine) need that element of compassion and understanding and positive reinforcement. Nene was fishing for Peter to say, "No Nene, we're fine. I'm sorry you thought I was upset at you, it's all good, our relationship is very important to me, I love your sense of style and ability to pair contrasting colors in your headbands and nail colors," but Peter is a stubborn jerk and wasn't about to do that. He is after all on a reality show and has the beard of a fox. Nene also came after him in a VERY aggressive manner which was totally uncalled for.

Overall ruling: Nene was wrong to be so aggressive and Peter was wrong to fire back with even more venom. Also, as a grey-bearded fox who has undoubtedly been with a woman before, Peter should be more seasoned in the ways of dealing with a crazy person and should have just taken that battle on the chin and lived to fight another day. Judge Judy rules in favor of Nene, who is still my favorite person in the world.

Judge Judy ... softball player?

Hard to tell.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: I Really Cannot Believe How Much I'm Enjoying This Show

Thanks for smiling, Greg.

In case you do not watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta (Sunday nights at 10pm on Bravo), here is a recap on what has been going on this season.

Also, if you don't watch it, I honestly don't know what you're doing with your life. Seriously, I understand that some people are all TV'd out after watching twelve hours of football and like to head to Rancho Relaxo on Sunday nights and smoke a doob, light a candle and fold some laundry, but please, I'm telling you, this show will not disappoint.

Also also, my friend DickDog gave the show a chance a few weeks ago and was absolutely disappointed. But then again, HIS NAME IS DICKDOG. 

Nene: The six-foot charismatic love-of-my-life is currently having serious marital problems and just filed for divorce in an attempt to get her husband to wake up and smell the Nene. She actually filed for divorce. Like, got a lawyer, signed some papers and filed for divorce. And yet it seems like she totally wants to stay together with her husband, Greg, but just felt like this was her best move in order to get him to try to make it work.

As much as I love Nene, this can't end well. She might as well have brought a dude into her bedroom and been like, "Hey Greg, yeah, this is Mario. He came over tonight because he's gonna have sex with me on our dining room table. And yeah, he's wearing your cuff links. Unless you wanna do something about it. Because I'm about to have sex with this guy. In my vagina. That's where he's gonna have sex with me. All right? Unless you maybe have something you might wanna say ... I dunno, to me or something, cause Mario's here and we were just about to ... OK, maybe you have nothing to say, so we're just gonna head downstairs unless you wanna ... (Nene starts to walk out of the room, looking back, waiting for her husband to say something) All right, just gonna go downstairs then and seal the deal  ... (now walking down the stairs, Nene's voice is heard as she approaches the first floor, heading to the dining room ... Greg picks some food out of his teeth, thinks about what to have for lunch ...) all right! We're about to have sex now, Greg! We're walking into the dining room and I can see the table and whoa, Greg, Mario's taking his pants off and oh my good-i-ness, all right Greg! Now would be a good time to uhhhh ... Greyyyygggggg! He's seriously gonna do it now, cause I'm laying back on the table! ... Wow this table is freezing. So if you were thinking of maybe, okay, now might be a, and YEP, there it is Greg! There it is! Greg?! Greg?!???? Greyyyyyggggggg!"

After filing, Nene and Greg had a dramatic confrontation where it seemed like Greg wanted to reconcile, but quickly changed his tune and now their relationship seems doomed. I honestly can't wait to see who Nene dates next. Maybe Spud Webb?

Looks just like my mom and her friends!

Kandi and Kim: Kandi, the former Xscape star, is now producing her second song for white chick Kim after Kim's debut hit "Tardy For The Party" reached #80 on the iTunes chart last year. This is mind-blowing considering Kim sings about as well as a shoe. Kim has been frustrated that the newest song is not "as popping" as their first hit. The second song, "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing," refers to Kim's sugar daddy, "Big Poppa" (not making this stuff up) and his reluctance to leave his wife despite the fact that he bought Kim THE BIGGEST EFFING RING OF ALL TIME. Apparently the ring didn't mean a thing because Kim is now six months pregnant by a dude from the Atlanta Falcons (and no, it's unfortunately not Roddy White).

Kim and Nene have had a rocky road relationship, but now seem to be on great terms. This past week, Nene came over to hang out with Kim and hung out briefly with Kim's two teenage-ish daughters. Kim's daughters seemed to have THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES with Nene, and probably get so excited when she stops by. I sort of wish Nene was my aunt, no disrespect to my Aunt Maxine, who is a wonderful aunt, but my Aunt Max coils up like an accordian if you try to show her any affection while Nene's bosom is probably as soft and warm as a soft, warm, shoe.

Kandi meanwhile has started a web talkshow called Kandi Koated Nights where she gets people to talk about their sex lives despite the fact that she's the only one who ever seems to want to talk about sex. She is also currently under a vow of celibacy. This week, her special guest was Mr. Luscious, a stripper who wore a sock over his hoo-ha and blew the ladies' minds with the size of his ramrong. Kandi had a great time.

Phaedra: The high powered attorney who once defended Bobby Brown just had a baby despite the fact that she claimed to only be six months pregnant. It was later revealed that she kept her pregnancy a secret because the child was conceived out of wedlock and her mom is very religious (and apparently completely unaware of how the female reproductive organs work despite the fact that she has experienced child birth both as a mother and a baby).

Now home from the hospital, Phaedra seems to be completely taken aback with the responsibilities of being a new parent (and quite frankly, very disappointed). She talks about her child as if he's a total downer in her personal life and seems very unaware that the next eighteen years of her life are over. Her boyfriend or husband or Baby Daddy, Apollo, just got out of jail and honestly couldn't seem any nicer. He seems very happy to have a child, a woman, and a life outside of freezing cold cell.

Homework: the only thing worse than having a baby.

Cynthia: The former supermodel and natural beauty is on the verge of marrying a total schmuck, who deceives others (including my friend Mandy) into thinking he's a cool dude by having a smooth grey beard and a Caribbean accent. She is currently putting together a ridiculous wedding along with a complete lunatic. Cynthia admitted she went on Kandi Koated Nights because she needs to learn some tips for the bedroom. She claims she's up for trying things, but just doesn't know how. If she had put that in a personal ad on Craigslist, she would seriously have gotten FOUR BILLION replies and her computer would have BLOWN UP in her FACE.

Stevie has probably done some work on Craigslist.

Sheree: Newly single Sheree went on a few dates with the sorriest, cheesiest, clammiest dude ever, Dr. Tiy-E Muhammed, but just kicked him to the curb after finding out that he's not a doctor. Even though Tiy-E was sorry and cheesy and clammy, he may have been a perfect fit for Sheree considering she's kind of a drip. Then again, she needs a man with A LOT of moolah and Tiy-E is broke as a mug.

There are still five episodes left this season, so still plenty of time to get involved. This Sunday's episode is entitled, "He Said What?" which can only mean wonderful wonderful things.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Kandi Koated Nights Is OUT OF CONTROL

Not pictured: Mr. Luscious's sock.

Just a quick blurb about tonight's episode of Real Freaky Ladies of Atlanta aka The Greatest Show Since NBA Jam Session with Ahmad Rashad and Willow Bay (with a full recap coming later this week):

When will this guy make a cameo?

Kandi's internet show is absolutely bonkers and I love the way she talks out of the side of her mouth like Shaq. Also, I am liking Kim more and more each week, especially now that we found out she had a lesbian relationship with some chick named Tracy (Chapman?).

Mr. Luscious? He needs to become a professional wrestler.

Nene's relationship with Greyyyyyyyyygggggg is really in a bad place. Seemed like for a second there they were going to patch things up, but now I wouldn't be surprised to see her linked with Zaza Pachulia just to spite Greyyyygggggg.

The Real Dudes of New Jerz, New York and the A.T.L.

Never trust a man with an Adam's Apple the size of Trenton.

Like most women who show cleavage, Bravo's Housewives are always hogging the limelight. It's time we show some attention to the people who drool over those breasts, the fellas. I have broken these dudes into four categories: those that are insane, those who deserve their own show, those that are idiots and those that are relatively sane and somewhat likable. Let's take a look at the Real Dudes of New Jersey, New York and Atlanta, starting with New Jersey, America's trashland.

New Jerooz - the Armpit of America


Absolutely Insane 

Danielle, stay here and show off your perfect butt while I karate chop that guy in the neck.

Danny - the sweatpants-loving "friend" of Danielle Staub's

Everybody's favorite ex-con may be the only person who likes sweatpants more than I do. I'm not even sure if I've ever seen Danny in sweatpants, but I imagine he always wears them along with all-white high tops and sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off. My most vivid memory of Danny was when Danielle gave him VIP access to her pole dancing demonstration ("engage and suggest") and he sat there nodding and biting his lower lip like a member of Jodeci. I wouldn't have been surprised if he tucked a cloth napkin into his shirt and pulled out a knife and fork while he watched. I apologize to any women who may have just barfed all over themselves. Also, Danny, if you're reading this, please don't kill me.

Needs His Own Show

I smell bacon. Do you smell bacon?

Captain Caveman - aka Teresa's husband, Joe
Teresa's husband is an absolute cro-magnon man and could climb out of debt if he only starred in his own spin-off. We could follow Joe around as he tried to handle day-to-day tasks such as holding a pencil or conversing with a human. I am looking forward to the day when a Page Six reporter breaks the story that Joe is the father of Ronnie from Jersey Shore. I would also like to apologize to the real Captain Caveman for comparing such a dickhead to a comedic legend.


Complete Idiot

And you wanna be my latex salesman?

Albie - Caroline's son 
Look, I think it's sweet that Caroline and her family fully support Albie in his quest to become a lawyer. And it's great that he tries so hard and is determined to achieve his goal, but this dude needs a new goal. I taught Middle School Special Ed for three years and told my kids that they could achieve anything if they put their mind to it, but I WAS LYING! There's no shame in having a learning disability, but there is shame in hiring an incompetent attorney. Albie, how about a more attainable goal, like selling grapefruits? I love grapefruits!

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable

No idea what's going on here.

Derek - Jacqueline's daughter Ashley's boyfriend
Besides dating the absolute stupidest person in the world, Ashley's boyfriend actually seems to be somewhat wise, mature, conscious. Following her arrest and subsequent rant on Facebook, Ashley vented about how horrible her parents' advice was, but Derek sided with her folks and told her just how immature and ignorant she was acting. According to radaronline.com, Ashley recently tweeted that she and Derek have broken up. According to TV My Wife Watches, Derek is probably now playing video games with his friends and having the BEST TIME EVER.


New York - The City That Never Shuts Up

Absolutely Insane 

Here's looking at you, dude.

Kelly
This guy is out of his mind. He babbles incessantly, is constantly getting into arguments and probably has a meth problem considering he's always sucking on lollypops. He also cries more than any other man besides Dick Vermeil.


Needs His Own Show

Now where did I put my dignity?

Simon
We could go a variety of different ways for Simon's show: we could follow him at his hotel, put him on a sitcom, or my personal favorite: have him coach his sons' soccer team. I mean, the guy is British so he's probably more knowledgeable on the subject than most American dads, plus he has no idea how to supervise children. Actually, now that I think about it, he should coach football. Call me Simon, we can make this happen!


Complete Idiot 

Not a good move for Adidas's marketing campaign.

Mario - Ramona's husband
First of all, he's married to Ramona. Secondly, his name is Mario. The only other Marios out there are a video game plumber and a dude who played Greg Louganis in Breaking The Surface: The A.C. Slater Story. Also, I vaguely remember him taking a tennis match with Simon WAY too seriously when Simon had clearly never done anything athletic in his life (which makes this Simon coaching show an even better idea!).

Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable

Jill's boob is almost in his breast pocket.

Bobby Zarin - Jill's husband
Besides wearing those colored dress shirts with the white collars (the #1 sign of a douche), he seems nice enough. Also, he has a beard, which is cool.  


Atlanta - Dominique Wilkins's Boneyard

Absolutely Insane 

Nice nips.

Dr. Tiy-E Muhammad - Sheree's new love interest?
There's no way this guy is a doctor. I'm not even sure if he's employed. Plus, what's up with his balding pattern? There have been some strange bald spots in the history of bald spots (Rasheed Wallace, Goran Pandev, my pubis), but his is like a reverse mohawk. I genuinely think this guy is a virgin. I'll tell you who's not a virgin: Greg Louganis.  


Needs His Own Show

You can actually see the hairspray IN the photograph.

Mr. Fancy - Dwight
This guy is so fancy! For his show, I'm thinking we get him, Miss. J, Jay Manuel, the guy from the Real Housewives of DC and your gay cousin and have them scurry around town, speaking in their funny little way that they do and see what hi-jinks ensue. I envision it being just like True Blood. 

Complete Idiot 

I secretly think this guy is an absolute jerk.

Peter - Cynthia's grey-bearded fiancee
Probably the most pretentious of all the people on these shows and that's REALLY saying something. Also, I'm pretty sure that this guy is either foreign or has some sort of syndrome. I can't believe Cynthia's marrying him. He has a syndrome!



Relatively Sane and Sort of Likeable

This picture was for his homies back in the klink.

Apollo - Phaedra's fiancee who is also an ex-con
I genuinely think Apollo is sweet and kind and has been fully rehabilitated, just like Michael Vick. I also know very little about him which makes him a perfect candidate for this category.

Apologies go out to all the dudes of D.C., Beverly Hills, Orange County and anyone married to Sarah Palin. I imagine they are all very entertaining as well, there's just not enough hours in the day.