Real Housewives of Atlanta: The Show That Never Ceases To Amaze

Shoulda worn goggles.

Prior to Sundee night, I kinda thought going for shock value might have been a thing of the past. Between Sacha Baron Cohen, The Jackass movies and Mario Lopez still having a career, I figured I'd seen it all. But boy was I wrong. Because last Sundee night I saw a baby shit all over the place.

We've seen gross stuff on television before. We've seen people eating crickets on Fear Factor, we've seen hoarders living in filth, we've seen Kelly Ripa's clavicle, but never before has television shown us a live baby completely shit all over the place.

Your daughter is right to look at you like that, Kelly Ripa.

Even in real life, I've only heard of babies shitting all over the place, like when my friend Gil tells me about his son Nick shitting all over the place. I'll call him up and see if he wants to play raquetball and he'll be all, "Oh, sorry Ev, I can't. My baby just took a shit all over the place." I've also been around friends while they were changing dirty diapers and heard them call from the other room, "Holy shit, Ev! You should really come see this! Whew! That's terrible. My baby just shit all over the place!" But I've never taken them up on it.

Well, thanks to The Real Housewives of Atlanta and Phaedra deciding to have a photo shoot with her naked baby and his little muffin ass, I have now seen what it looks like when a baby completely and totally shits all over the place. It was like a Gallagher show. The most amazing thing that Bravo decided to show (besides a baby's ass exploding) was the shot of Phaedra actually holding her hand under her baby's ass while shit (I believe it was shit, I don't have DVR and didn't have the opportunity to rewind it, but I'm pretty sure it was shit) was HANGING out of Aiden's butt. This shocking sight was trumped only seconds later by Phaedra cleaning off her shit-covered hands with a NAPKIN. I mean, I understand that Aiden's little baby shit is probably some of the cleanest shit out there, but Phaedra, SHOULDN'T YOU FIND A SINK?!?! ... How about one of those industrial sinks that are only found in high school art classrooms with water color brushes everywhere? Couldn't she find one of those?!?! ... Let's move on to some other baffling stuff that this show had to offer.

Kim's lesbian girlfriend, Tracy. All right, let me just start by saying that I am VERY lesbian friendly. In fact, I have always gotten along extremely well with lesbians (and I'm talking all types of lesbians, from softball players to democrats) and I feel the need to preface this because I'm about to make fun of a lesbian and anytime one makes fun of a minority it is imperative that they make it clear that they like have no problems with said minority. But Kim's lesbian girlfriend Tracy definitely has something wrong with her, right? I can't tell; she's either retarded, constantly drunk, foreign or has a speech impediment, or she may be completely and totally deaf, it's very confusing. But clearly there is SOMETHING wrong with her speech patterns. If she is in fact deaf or retarded or has any other physical ailment, then I certainly feel for her, but it would certainly explain a lot about this relationship and one's attraction to Kim. That being said, she's probably a lovely person and has an innate ability to turn a double play.

I'm always amazed at how cool athletes' signatures are.

Staying with the whole lesbian theme, Sheree is looking more and more like a man these days with her Manny Pacquiao arms. I don't get females' fascination with having definition in their arms. For some reason, so many women find having defined muscles to be insanely attractive whereas men much prefer boobs and more boobs. Kelly Ripa, Madonna, Adam Lambert, all of these ladies need to calm down with their weight training. Sheree's combination of working out and menopause is making her look more and more like a horse every day.

When did I become so judgmental?!?! And since when has "judgmental" been spelled without an "e" after the "g"?

These ladies love chicks with guns.

Some other quick thoughts:

- Kim's voice coach is AMAZING at her job, because Kim is a HORRIFIC singer and if they are able to make a hit out of this "Ring Didn't Mean a Thing" song, then I am hiring a musical coach STAT and recording some songs for my debut album, "The Monn: Unloaded." Actually, in case you didn't know, I did actually once release an album (cover) a few years ago without any songs on it. I sold zero copies.

Just laying back in the cut.

- Peter further cemented himself as Captain Cranky Pants and is very quickly climbing the ranks of the all-time reality jerks. The way he treated Cynthia was totally uncalled for and I hope she either divorces him or gets impregnated by an Atlanta Falcon STAT.

- HOWEVER, I totally understand Peter's reaction towards Nene when she called Cynthia and asked to speak to Peter to see if he had a problem with her. Long story short, Peter was having a rough day(s) and when he saw Nene at an event, he was not his normal friendly self. Nene, who was also having a rough day(s) was frustrated at this and later called Peter to see if there was a problem. Peter was so put off to having to deal with this ridiculous phone call that he was very curt with Nene and unfortunately added fuel to the fire to where a non-issue has now become an issue.

This was a classic male-female confrontation that could easily have been avoided by either having a woman CALM THE FREEPS'D DOWN or having a male handle the situation by just smiling and nodding and saying the right things.

I always loved these two!

Peter was frustrated because he HAD NO PROBLEM with Nene, was just having a bad day and that was that. He did not see a reason for a phone call, didn't see a reason to have to explain himself and certainly wasn't prepared for his friend (Nene) to call him up with some unnecessary drama. Dudes don't do this. They don't call a fella up after having an argument and say, "Yo, we still cool?" It's unnecessary. We're still cool. There's no reason to air it out, no reason to get all crazy, just chalk it up as one of us having a rough day and that's that. Women on the other hand (in this case The Neen Machine) need that element of compassion and understanding and positive reinforcement. Nene was fishing for Peter to say, "No Nene, we're fine. I'm sorry you thought I was upset at you, it's all good, our relationship is very important to me, I love your sense of style and ability to pair contrasting colors in your headbands and nail colors," but Peter is a stubborn jerk and wasn't about to do that. He is after all on a reality show and has the beard of a fox. Nene also came after him in a VERY aggressive manner which was totally uncalled for.

Overall ruling: Nene was wrong to be so aggressive and Peter was wrong to fire back with even more venom. Also, as a grey-bearded fox who has undoubtedly been with a woman before, Peter should be more seasoned in the ways of dealing with a crazy person and should have just taken that battle on the chin and lived to fight another day. Judge Judy rules in favor of Nene, who is still my favorite person in the world.

Judge Judy ... softball player?

Hard to tell.