Movie Review: Black Swan starring Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and not Yogi Bear

Natalie Portman studied Kelly Ripa's clavicle for six months whilst preparing for this role.

With my wife's birthday falling on December 26th, she controls all Christmas movie decisions, which is why we spent this holiday season seeing a psycho-sexual thriller about ballerinas. If myyyyyyyyyyy birthday fell near Christmas (which it clearly doesn't), we would've seen True Grit, or even Yogi Bear in THREE DIMENSIONS, but no, my birthday falls on Passover, when I get to eat a cake made of matzoh and have snot dripping from my nose due to the start of hay fever season.

I don't remember the last time I saw a pycho-sexual thriller, possibly in 1985, when I was eight and my parents took me to see Jagged Edge. My mom had heard from her friend Judy's daughter that "it was fine," so why not take your third grader to see it and forever damage his sexual development?!?! Nothing says "Wednesday night" more than Glenn Close painting her bedroom walls with a man's blood. After the movie, as we exited the theater, we bumped into my third grade teacher, Mrs. Mogul, and my third-grade penis officially recoiled into my third-grade abdomen where it would lay dormant for the next four years. It wasn't until a Sports Illustrated arrived in the mail with Kathy Ireland on the cover doing yoga on a rock that my dork decided to crawl out of hibernation. Four years after that, my little winkler would once again recoil, this time after being forced to watch Necessary Roughness and the undeniable sexual chemistry between Kathy Ireland and Sinbad.

I honestly can't figure out how many necklaces Mila's wearing.

Back to Black Swan, which is a movie I can't imagine anyone would ever say that they liked, but is essentially a good movie. It does everything you want a psycho-sexual thriller to do: it sucks you in, keeps you on edge and leaves your penis in a vulnerable, yet flaccid state. Because of the double-dipper combo of Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, there are a few times when one's penis does think about blasting out of one's pants, but director Darren Aronofsky does a great job of quelling those feelings by occasionally throwing in scenes with Winona Ryder.

Personally, I think I like Mila Kunis a little more than Natalie Portman despite the fact that she's been dating Macauley Culkin for the better part of a decade. Something's not right there. Maybe she's attracted to the fact that Mack got burnt out by Hollywood and started to act all mysterious. Maybe her parents took her to see the psycho-non-sexual thriller, The Good Son and she fell for little Mack. Or maybe Mack is just a nice guy and they have a nice relationship and enjoy doing Xanex together. Either way, Natalie Portman is way too skinny in this movie and looks a little too much like Winona Ryder. For the record, I've always felt really badly for Wynonna Judd because her mother, Naomi, was so much hotter than her. I blame Glenn Close.

Macauley Culkin brings home a crate of Stubb's BBQ sauce for he and Mila's next wild, sexual adventure.

Look, the bottom line is that I was sort of really looking forward to this movie because it was Aronofsky's follow up to The Wrestler and I clearly had no idea what a psycho-sexual thriller was. I'm happy I saw it and it was nice to go to the movies, but I wish I hadn't sat next to my wife's brother, especially for the scenes with Natalie, Mila and my 33 year-old dong. My wife's brother was kind enough however to share his Junior Mints with me which was a nice gesture, especially considering I was crying and dry humping him the entire time.

Overall, Black Swan gets three Junior Mints out of four, but is seriously not even half as good as Uncle Buck or Little Women.

It is however slightly better than Necessary Roughness which is borderline unwatchable if not for the brilliant performance of a young Scott Bakula.


Evster's note 1/3/2011 - Heard today that Mila Kunis and Little Mac broke up. Sorry Mac. It's okay buddy, I secretly always kinda thought that the other chick (the redhead) from That 70's Show might have been slightly hotter. Go after her, Mac! 

Mac Mittens!