Wednesday's Wifey: Abby Manning (nee McGrew)

What's softer? The skin on Abby's calves or Eli's shoes?

Oh, Eli.

Behind every great man is an even greater woman. And behind every quarterback who still sleeps with stuffed animals is a woman who probably makes him chicken nuggies every night for din-din.

Let's meet Abby Manning, this week's Wednesday Wifey.

I've never seen two better-folded Knicks rally towels in my entire life. What must their home look like? Magazines fanned out at a 15 degree angle on the coffee table, brand new shell soap in the powder room, dixie cups to rinse with, khakis, lots of khakis.

And what about the dude behind them with the Wolf Man beard? What does HIS apartment look like? Chinese food containers strewn around the living room, a woman chained up in the basement, a bunch of herbal teas, bloody khakis, lots of bloody khakis.

Interesting choice of attire for a day at the amusement park. I always thought cutoff shirts and shorts (with an extra pair of underwear in your cargo pockets) was standard operating proceej. I mean, how are they possibly gonna go on the log flume?!?!

And who is taking this picture?!?!

Is there a guy in the (ROCKET SHIP?) in front of them who undid his safety belt so he could turn around and snap this shot? You know what they say, "Great photographers go to great lengths for great photos."

Obviously no one says that, but for some reason I thought I heard someone say that once, so on a camping trip a few years ago with my buddy Parm, I kept saying that every time I bent down or crouched to take a picture. Parm then started saying it too, until he accidentally dropped his camera into a creek while trying to navigate some slippery rocks. My throwaway camera from the trip is still in my trunk (film was never developed) right next to some dirty socks and an old Hustler magazine.

When your wife ruins her nice clothes on a log flume, she gets upset. And when she gets upset, you're forced to carry her shopping bag for her. Poor guy.

Also ladies, there is NOTHING WORSE than being forced to carry some dumb bag from some dumb place. A few weeks ago, I had to take my lunch to work in a Banana Republic bag (IT'S ALL WE HAD!) and had to withstand the longest subway ride of my life. I kept making eye contact with this terrifying (read: black) guy wearing a UNLV Starter jacket. The jacket was actually amazing.

Props to Eli for going untucked though, I didn't know he had it in him.

To make it up to your wife, sometimes you need to take her to the Sex and the City premiere. Smart move by Eli to keep his right hand locked and loaded in prime karate chopping position.

Lotttttttttttta tucked-in shirts and khakis at the McGrew family garden party. My wife's head would explode if she were forced to attend this ... that lady ABHORS khakis (and white people). 

I feel kinda baaaaaad for ripping on Eli, because I kinda like the guy! He's an above average quarterback, could potentially win his second Super Bowl this weekend, and he's got a totally smoking hot wife who's into Knicks games, amusement parks, garden parties, manicures, yellow skirts, taking her husband's name, letting her husband wear jeans when they go out to dinner, shaving her underarms, dudes who definitely subscribe to Hustler ...

AND SHE'S COOL WITH ELI WEARING THOSE TRUNKS!

WOW!

And how 'bout your boy in the hat with the earflaps?!!? Someone's gotta blow up this picture and tell me what book Eli is reading. Part of me thinks it might be Three Cups of Tea, but it also kinda looks like a Caddyshack DVD.

WHAT KINDA WAY IS THAT TO PUT YOUR HAND IN YOUR POCKET?!?!

He definitely has swamp ass! 

FUCK TOM BRADY!



Rememberrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, this week I'm giving away a FREE MOTHERFUCKING PIZZA to a random commenter, so be sure to comment below. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out the latest style being rocked by Indian school kids! 

The Evster's NFL 9/17ths Season Review

I believe the word to describe this picture is, "bladdow!"

Techhhhhnically, my wife watches a lot of football. Granted, it's only because I put it on, but she still watches games (slash falls asleep during 'em). So what better place to post an NFL 9/17ths Season Review than on TV Me Weef Wooches. Also, this is my friggin' blog and I'll post about whatever I damn well please. Look, I'm even gonna paste a picture of a squirrel just because I can.

Boom!

Squirrel!

Of course, I do realize that most of my 17 readers are female and maybe 9 of them can tolerate watching football, so I will try to write about topics that appeal to both football and non-football fans. And ladies, if you're bored, just scroll down and look at the pictures like this one of former Beagles and Niners (and Browns, Raiders, Bucs and Omaha Nighthawks) quarterback, Jeff Garcia.

Nice glutes.

MERRIL HOGE HAS STAKED HIS CLAIM AS THE PREEMINENT DOUCHER IN ALL OF FOOTBALL
Some dudes just look like total dickbags: Jay Cutler, Rick Santorum, any guy who brings two rackets with him to play tennis, but Merril and his thick tie knot trumps them all. A few weeks ago during a rant on ESPN NFL Countdown, Merril was going off about how he would NEVER ask to be taken out of a ballgame, because he's the toughest dude ever and even once played with a broken arm. Even Keyshawn Johnson (a doucher in his own right) was taken aback when Hoge said he'd NEVER asked out, saying something like, Dude, you can say all that on TV, but sometimes you just need a rest ... but Hoge persisted to douche it up. Probably because he's a douche. Also, his middle name is DuAine and he's originally from Idaho. And his son's name is Beau.

Dr. Douchenstein speaks at a seminar where people learn how to suck their own dicks.

I actually just googled Beau Hoge and was scrolling through his Twitter feed and I kinda like him! He's a freshman QB in Kentucky and just a dumb high school kid who tweets pictures of him and his dumb high school friends doing dumb high school stuff that high school kids do -- like eat ribs and mess around in Science class. I sort of feel bad now making fun of his father, but I guess some people just have to accept that their fathers are dicknoses.

It's actually amazing how annoying NFL analysts are these days. Boomer's rumblin, bumblin act is tired, Mike and Mike's schtick is predictable ... Heyyy, I'm a weenie! ... Hey, I'm big and dumb! ... I think the only guy I like is Shannon Sharpe and he may actually be a horse. My wife prefers the College Gameday crew, specifically Kirk Herbstreit, who she says, "His hair is looking a bit orange and yellow these days, but he's still the best looking guy to watch talk about football." My wife also likes Mark May, who she claims has the shortest name in the world, even shorter than St. Louis Cardinals' outfielder, Jon Jay.

Say it:

MarkMay. MarkMay. MarkMay.

JonJay. JonJay. JonJay.

My wife also pointed out to me how often NFL commentators say the word "football." Listen for it. Instead of saying, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting player who just has a knack for making plays." They'll say, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting football player who just has a knack for making football plays." Is that really necessary? I mean, we're watching the game. We know what he's playing and we know what he's good at. It's not like they'd be saying, "Wow, Desean Jackson is such an exciting Yahtzee player ... he did a great job there of giving up a chance at the large straight and going for a full house. And y'know what? He got it. A fine Yahtzee play by a great Yahtzee player."

He's no Jeff Garcia.

TIM MUTHAFUCKIN' TEBOW
My two fantasy QBs are Tebow and Joe Bitch Ass Flacco. Flacco is fine, he does okay, he's Flacco. He's servicable, he's Flacco, he can't move at all, he's Flacco, he throws a decent ball, he's Flacco, he's fine, he may not actually know how to walk slash run, he's Flacco.

But Tebow ....

Tim Teebs is by far the most exciting fantasy football player to have on your team, because he's just SO BAD at football. I mean, he literally cannot throw a football anywhere near his wide receivers, and yet he still makes some amazing plays and gets the job done and puts up whopper weeks in fantasy thanks to his bulldozing runs and occassional completions. If you haven't seen him play for the Broncos, you gotta check him out. HE'S HORRIFIC (slash amazing), it's like he's never played quarterback before. I've had trade offers for Matt Schaub and Phillip Rivs and had to turn 'em down because every snap Tebow takes he has the potential to truck a dude and throw a jump pass.

Check out Keanu behind Teebs trying to get by! ... "Uhhh, excuse me Tim. Timmy. Yo, dude ..." 

That's a nice necklace.

I don't even think Jesus himself bagged tail like this. 

I have a friend (another dicknose by the way) who has never played football, never strapped on the pads, but claims he could start at QB at a school like Muhlenburg. This guy throws nothing but flutterballs, but honestly thinks he could play Division II football (and start at QB!). He pleaded with us to let him quarterback our flag football team and honestly led the league in pick 6's. He reminds me of Tebow. Only he's a Jew.

My wife of course is NOT HAPPY that I have Tebow on my squad, because of his views on aborsh. She said, "I don't understand why he doesn't master his first job (quarterbacking) before branching out into other things like telling women what to do with their uteruses. Hey Tebow, the next time you get a uterus, then you can tell me what to do with mine. And also, don't tell me what to do."

For the record, "don't tell me what to do" is my wife's mantra.

"Dar, don't eat that ghost pepper. It's really hot. Plus it's laced with LSD."

"Don't tell me what to do."

Pops in pepper.

Emergency room.

Good for you, buddy!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE RUN THE BALL LIKE ADRIAN PETERSON. THE DUDE IS A BEAST. I'M ALSO NOT SURE HOW TO SPELL "ADRIAN."
AP has had a couple of mindblowing runs this year where he's juked, kept his knees moving, spun and blasted defenders on his way to the endzone. He runs so hard and so fast -- I've never seen anyone like him. I guess the closest comparison to his leg churning running style would be Roger Craig or Ricky Watters, but comparing AP to them is like comparing my Muhlenburg buddy to Slingin' Sammy Baugh.

It seems like this year the NFL is filled with one-of-a-kind players. Calvin Johnson is a freak, it's just not fair that anyone ever has to match up with him. Shady McCoy slithers around the field like Prince, and Wes Welker is the best whitey receiver since Steve Largent. I know, I know, that's not really saying much, but he still makes us proud.

Here's my 9/17ths of a season All-Pro team:

QB: Aaron Rodgers - On pace to throw 174 touchdowns. And my wife thinks he's really good looking, which is terrifying, because I think he looks exactly like my friend DickDog. (Note to self: keep DickDog and his dick and his dog away from my wife.)
RB: Shady McCoy - The local Philadelphia sports talk radio station aka "The channel where people complain about stuff" recently mixed up that "Moves like Jagger" song to "Moves like Shady." It's amazingly just as annoying / incredible as the Maroon 5 jawn.
RB: Freddie Jax - Tough to leave off AP, Forte and Ray Rizzle, but it's nice to have a good player from the Bills on the squad. At a sports bar a few weeks ago, there was a female Bills fan watching their game and literally living and dying with every play. She was also kind of cute and black -- two things I never thought I'd find in a person from Buffalo.
Waterbug: Darren Sproles - This guy's been incredible! He just zips all over the place, zippin' around, making (football) plays and rubbing it in fantasy owners' faces that they didn't pick him up after week 1.
WR: Megatron - I would love to watch him eat a steak dinner.
WR: Wes Welks - Scouting report: gritty (white), good route runner (white), great hands (white), knows how to find the soft spot in the zone (white), has Michael Buble on his iPod (really white).
WR: Steve Smith - Living proof that Jake Delhomme and Matt Moore suck at throwing a football.
TE: Jimmy Graham - Never heard of this guy until he lit up my fantasy team. Thanks Jimmy!
Offensive line: Look, I gotta be honest here, I have no idea who's a good O Lineman and who sucks. So let's go with ...
LT: Jonathan Ogden
LG: Willie Roaf
C: Kevin Mawae
RG: Cleveland "Pancake" Jenkins
RT: Michael Oher
KR/PR: Patrick Peterson - His 99yd tuddy last week was insane.
K: Lionel Messi - Finally got a decent haircut!

I wouldn't really call that the best hairstyle.

And instead of pretending like I know who's having a good defensive year, let's just say this:

CHARLES WOODSON IS THE COOLEST DUDE EVER
The guy's like 45 at this point and he's still getting picks, sacking QBs and stuntin' on the sideline like a boss. I can honestly say that there is no one in this world I'd rather be. Well, except these guys.






THE REDZONE CHANNEL SHOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL INVENTION SINCE THE PIZZA CUTTER INTERNET
I equate the development of the Redzone Channel to the introduction of porn onto the internet. Before the web, you were subjected to the same four or five Penthouse magazines underneath your bed that you had stolen from your older cousin. Whenever you were looking for a good time, you could select from the scene where the girls were getting frisky around the campfire (with wool socks on) or the lady who thought it'd be a good idea to get railed on a sailboat (turns out it was a good idea).

Then, Al Gore showed up and opened up an entire world of rim jobs. Now, we fast forward through scenes, zip back, and select whatever we want, whenever we want it. (By the way, if anyone knows any good campfire sites, let a brotha know.) There was a time when we were subjected to whatever game CBS and Fox decided to broadcast, but the Redzone Channel brings us every game without the seven minute handjobs.

I also once had a girlfriend who was convinced that she had a knife that cut pizza better than a pizza cutter. We once had this excruciatingly painful conversation:

Her:  Yeah, use this knife. It's better than a pizza cutter. 

Me:  Ehhh, I dunno. A pizza cutter is made to cut pizza.

Her:  Yeah, but this one's better.

Me:  Right, but this is a pizza cutter. 

Her:  So's this. 

Me:  No, that's just a knife. I'm not sure you understand what's going on here. This is a pizza cutter. That's what it's called. That's the only thing it does. It's made to cut pizza. Have you ever even used a pizza cutter?

Her:  Well no, I just know this one's better ...

Me: Well you're wrong. This is like a guy having ants in his house and being like, "Well, I'm gonna use a vacuum to slurp up all the ants, even though I've got this perfectly good anteater right here who's very very hungry. Cause the vacuum works great!"

Pretty sure she dumped me soon after that.

I mean, it's called a "pizza-cutter!"

SPEAKING OF HANDJOBS, WHAT'S UP WITH HAMSTRINGS?
These guys are top-flight athletes, more jacked than the dudes on The Bachelorette, yet they can't get through a few weeks without tweaking their hammies? There haven't been this many hamstring tweaks since my friends stole my Penthouses in middle school. Clearly, that last sentence didn't make sense, but something must be wrong with these athletes' workout regimens or bedframes or barcaloungers because hamstrings have turned into this generation's polio. Also, what's polio?

FOOTBALL PLAYERS ON TWITTER SHOULD GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL INVENTION SINCE THE REDZONE CHANNEL
I've already blabbed about how much I love Twitter after my conversashe with Josh Scobee, but here's some other players who I love following on Twitty Twang.

Desean Jax - I have no idea what he's ever talking about.

And then there's OchoCinco who likes to tweet to his fiancé Evelyn Lozada.

SOME OTHER QUICK THOUGHTS BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY ANYONE IS STILL READING THIS

- Even though the Beagles are 3-5, they're still sorta the most exciting team ever.
- Mark Sanchez is not good at football.
- It's so nice that the Cowboys are irrelevant.
- Cam Newts!
- I know people are excited about the Bengals, but they still have to face the Ravens and Steelers twice each the rest of the seez.

SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL IS BETTER THAN MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL PARTIALLY BECAUSE IT'S BETTER AND PARTIALLY BECAUSE DANCING WITH THE STARS AND REAL HOUSEWIVES IS ON MONDAYS. 
Every relationship gets to a point where the husband watches the game on one TV while the wife watches some other crap on another (and secretly sends dirty text messages to dudes). Well, my wife runs my life our house with an iron fist and DOES NOT ALLOW multiple TVs. She maintains that the bedroom is for SLEEPING (and other stuff more sleeping) and that couples who don't hang out eventually unravel.

Well, I'm unraveling. I can't take watching RHOBH instead of football and missing plays like 99 yard tudds by Wes Welker (THAT I MISSED EARLIER THIS YEAR WHILE RICKI LAKE WAS DOING THE PASO DOBLE ... AND I HAVE WELKER ON MY FANTASY SQUAD).

To be honest though, I'm actually okay with where my life is at this point and missing the occasional 99 yard tudd. Before my wife came into my life, I sat on the couch all day Sundee watching games in my sweatpants and did the same on Monday nights. Now I still plop on the couch all day Sundee, but I get to spend Monday nights with her, watching whatever garbage she feels like putting on. And sometimes she makes cookies.

Married life is actually kind of nice. I'm happy to share a living room with her.

Plus, she's the primary breadwinner in our household.

I mean her household.



Believe it or not, I'm actually almost qualified to write about football. I spent two years making $8/hr at NFL Films as a logger and was the starting QB on the 2001 Philadelphia Sport and Social League champion flag football team, the Chicken Flaps. This talking Master P doll was our mascot. 

My Conversation on Twitter with Jaguars Kicker, Josh Scobee

This guy's arms are completely hairless. 

It makes no sense why people are still using Facebork instead of Twitter.

Facebork users claim they "just don't get Twitter" and can't figure out what a #hashtag is. They also love looking at pictures of other people's dumb babies ... which quite frankly is ... BORRRIIINNNGGG.

I guess I understand the initial confusion -- but like every great invention, Twitty Twang just takes some getting used to. I mean, imagine what the guy who invented cereal had to go through while he was introducing it to people.

"So hold up, you've taken pieces of cinnamon toast and put them into a bowl? And now you're gonna pour milk all over 'em and eat it with some sort of scooping device? This is insane. How does the toast even fit into the bowl?"

"No no no, they're not actual pieces of toast, they're kind of cut up and then ..."

"But the toast is gonna get so soggy. The whole point of toast is the crunch."

"Right, right, but this ..."

"And the milk's gonna spill all over the place. Cinnamon toast in a bowl? How big is this bowl we're talking about?"

"Wait, just listen ..."

"Ehhh, I can't be bothered with this, pass me my gruel."

That toast's tongue is honestly so long. 

I personally love Twitter. I follow comedians who make fun of stuff, sports columnists who link to articles and Coco who tweets pictures of her buffalo boobs. I also get to give my readers an inside glimpse as to what actually goes on inside TVMWW's living room. And did I mention the buffalo boobs?

Another great thing about Twitter is that it gives you a direct line to Kardashians celebrities. You can tweet whatever you want right to them (and they may or may not tweet you back). I actually tweeted this brilliant business idea right to Kim Kardash:

Unfortunately, Kim didn't respond (she has over 10 million followers), but that didn't dissuade me from later tweeting to the entire Wu Tang Clan (and Kenny Powers and Diane Sawyer) after my friend Drake found a potato that looked exactly like the Wu Tang "W."

Look at that potato! That's a real potato!

Once again, no response.

But last week, when I noticed that Jacksonville Jaguars kicker, Josh Scobee (a backup on my fantasy team) was answering tweets from fans while I happened to be sitting in front of the computer, I figured I'd send him a shout.

Minutes later, Scobee wrote back:

For those of you who are absolute idiots not on Twitter, what Scobes did there was pasted my message in quotes and then responded at the end. 

I was thrilled. 

Granted, Scobles gave a very generic, football player-type answer, but at least he had responded! I shared my excitement with my wife and she got very upset. 

"That's mean! He's an actual person and you're saying that Seabass is better than him. Apologize."

Now, my wife doesn't understand that Sebastian Janikowski is the preeminent kicker in the NFL (and has the left foot of a Polish assassin), and Scoobee (and every other kicker) knows and accepts that. She also didn't understand that the only reason I drafted Scobee was because his last name is Scobee.

Now, that was a response. And not just some dumb response -- Scobee was now implying that my wife had a thing for him and that I had a thing for Janikowski. Scobee instantly became my third favorite football player ever (behind Reggie White and that fat guy from Wildcats).

No one represents my fantasy team like Seabass.

At this point, Scobington and I were pretty much best friends. I even tried to bring Maksim Chmerkovskiy into the conversashe. Seconds later, some dude from Jacksonville got involved too.

All of a sudden, I was in a ménage a tweet with the Jaguars kicker and a guy named "BareFootMike09." Was BareFootMike also a kicker? Was he a Tony Franklin fan? Does anyone get that reference? Instead of responding to him, I decided to open up the conversation to my friend Feddd and his two fantasy kickers.

I sat and waited. No response.

Nothin' from Scobee.

Nothin' from Feddd.

Nothin' from David Akers.

Feddd was convinced Scobes had blocked me.

I figured I'd keep going.

Still nothin'.

And so ended my relationship with Josh Sklobee.

The best friend I've ever had in my life.

Scobee's new best friend ... Man, f*ck that Jaguar.

Josh Scobee had three, yep THREE, 50 yard field goals last night in a win against the Ravens. If TVMWW means anything to you, PLEASE TWEET JOSH SCOBEE here and tell him to be a guest interviewee on my blog. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this really dope Scooby Doo costume.

NFL Preview: Happy Wife = Happy Football Season?

No Aubre, this is not Lil Wayne.

Every year the start of football season brings an explosion of optimism, excitement, pizza, wings, naps, cheerleaders, sweatpants, and other sweatpants. But football season also brings with it neglected women and ruined relationships. In the fall, more and more married women become disenchanted with their good-for-nothing husbands even though those husbands manage fantasy teams with GREAT DEPTH at the flex position. Check out this pie-chart from a recent study published by the New York Times that I made during my lunch break work.

No one wants to break up with their girl die alone, so here are The Evster's Marital Tips for Football Seez.

Become an Eagles Fan

Whether you're male, female or Bronson Arroyo, it is impossible to watch Michael Vick play football and not be blown away. At any moment while watching Vick, he has the potential to jump over a dude or throw a football through a guy's face. My wife could care less about football - she grew up in one of those households where riding a bike and cross country running were considered sports, you know, X games stuff - and she still finds Vick mesmerizing. The only entertainer more exciting than Vick is Cookie Monster. He eats so many cookies!

Ladies also find Vick to be very sexy, with his caramel smooth skin and pearly white teeth (they're seriously SO pearly). My friend Aubre actually saw him at a bar recently and claimed she instantly became, oh, how do you sayyyy, "moist?" Of course, this could also just be because Aubre is a VERY sweaty woman.

Now I know, I know ... I know EXACTLY what you're thinking ... yeah, yeah, Vick's completion percentage throughout his career has been a little low ... and yes, it's true, his little brother Marcus did have some legal troubles back at Virginia Tech ... but c'mon, give the guy a break!

Why isn't he holding the football across the laces? And how old is that football?

Draft a Fantasy Team That Your Wife Will Support

It's extremely hard to rationalize to your wife why you're watching the 4th quarter of a Jaguars-Titans blowout. You can't just tell her that you have MJD in a PPR league and Luke McCown aka Checkdown Charlie is "dumping it off like CRAZY!" Which is why I chose Chris Johnson, or as my wife calls him,  "The guy who wore that outfit to the ESPY's! With the grill in his teeth! Mr. Grilly!"

See, my wife doesn't care that Matt Ryan has crazy weapons or that Rex Grossman was just named the starter in Washington, but she'll sure as hell watch Michael Oher pass-block for three hours just to get a three second glimpse of the Tuohys in the crowd. Which is why I took Joe B*tch A** Flacco in the 9th round. Also, Flacco went to Delaware and my wife has a friend from Delaware (shout-out to Basha!) and also the guy's name is "FLACCO" for God's sake. Here are the other players I snagged, while keeping my wife's thoughts in mind during each selection.

Peyton Hillis - Antelope Arms!

Hakeem Nicks - The Guy with Really Big Hands ... like Waffles!

Beanie Wells - His name is Beanie!

Josh Scobee - His name is Scobee! ... and Josh!

I got a friend who took a backup running back just because his ex-girlfriend (who broke his heart) has the same first name as the running back. My buddy thought that maybe, MAYBE, this would somehow help him get her back. He also took the Dolphins defense because he likes dolphins.

Do not - UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES - take Big Ben. This will ruin not only your next 17 weeks, but possibly your entire life. There was one time - ONE TIME - when I HINTED that mayyyyybe that girl was "up for it," and my wife bought low-fat peanut butter for the next six months. SIX MONTHS! In my draft this year, I had the option of taking Big Ben or B.A. Flacco and it was seriously a no-brainer - partially because I love my wife and partially because Whole Foods peanut butter literally has NO TASTE.

Also, do NOT tell your wife that you're currently following all of your players on Twitter. Here's one from Scobee Dobee Doo!

@JoshScobee10Josh Scobee

Almost ran over a kid in my neighborhood who was riding his bike and texting #parentspankyourkids

Explain to Your Wife That the Nice Looking Man on the Red Zone Channel is Totally in Control and That His Head Will Not Explode on Live Television

My wife will not go with me to the horse track because she's scared that the horses will get hurt and then shot. No matter what I tell her - "the horses are great athletes!" ... "it's the sport of kings!" ... "that horsey's name is Scobee!" - she will not condone the sport. Watching the Red Zone Channel is very similar - she feels terrible for the poor host who's forced to zip from game to game in the span of seconds, sometimes even broadcasting three of four games at once (the quadruple box!). He seems to have it all together, but my wife fears that deep inside he's an emotional mess.

If you've never seen the Red Zone Channel, it looks and sounds a lot like this:

INT. TV Studio - Day

A nice-looking late thirty-something man in a tailored suit sits at a sports desk. He has a conservative, yet stylish haircut and a slew of papers in front of him. We join him midway through the second quarter, at approximately 1:53pm EST ...

HOST: Okay, looks like Beanie's knee did not hit the ground, so the fumble stands, Cowboys take over in Cards' territory. Let's take you back now to Jacksonville where Scobee is lining up an attempt at a 37 yarder. Scobes has missed all three of his attempts today, hope you don't have him on your fantasy team, and while Scobee Dobey lines up, let's go double box because the Browns have a fourth and goal from the Bengals 2 yard line. You gotta think they'll go to Hillis, he's an absolute bulldozer, but wait, looks like the Browns have an empty backfield, Hillis on the sidelines and yep, McCoy with the sneak, and he's in. Meanwhile, Scobee shanks his attempt wayyyyyy wide, gotta be something wrong with his hammy. Let's go triple box now, it seems as if Michael Vick just broke a guy's face with a football, back to Giants Stadium where we're receiving word that yes, Hakeem Nicks is out for the season with a torn ACL, and over to Tampa where Big Ben just threw his 4th TD pass of the half, this one to Hines Ward, who is dancing in the endzone, is that a Pasadoble? Yes, yes that is. Thought for a sec that might of been a merengue, but that's a doble. That's definitely a doble.

What are you trying to prove, dude? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?!

Amazingly, the host broadcasts for seven straight hours with no commercial breaks. It's a football fan's dream, but can turn into a nightmare when your wife starts yelling to change the channel because she's dizzy from the quadruple box. If your wife starts to go berserk (THIS IS VERY POSSIBLE), simply change the channel to the CBS or Fox broadcast and then turn it back during a commercial. Or you could slip some Ativan into her Special K (THIS IS ALSO A VERY VERY GOOD MOVE).

Some other quick tips because quite frankly, this is getting a little ridiculous:

- Make sure when you fall asleep during the 4 o'clock games to hide the remote control from your wife so as not to wake up to reruns of 90210. A great place to hide the remote is in your pants (or just smash the remote into a million pieces prior to falling asleep).

- Instead of watching the pregame show where everybody laughs like lunatics, watch European football. Women love all things European. NOTE: My wife hates soccer almost as much as she hates Ben Roethlisberger ... but she LOVES Special K.

- Buy lots of sweatpants. This will undoubtedly have a negative effect on your sex life, but will keep you VERY comfortable should you spend the month of November in the doghouse.

Ruff ruff!

This is a Scooby Doo football!

That pie-chart up above literally took me like, two hours to make. I consider it to be the #1 thing I've ever done on this blog-blog. Not impressed? Check out this dog playing piano then. And singing.