Frozen Planet: We're Entering Level 9 Bonkers Status

This guy will eat your face. 

FROZEN PLANET TREATMENT SCRIPT

EXTERIOR SHOT: Somewhere Absolutely Friggin' Beautiful
(example: Norway, Iceland, NOT PHILADELPHIA)

A really cute animal does something adorable (plays with his friends, eats a leaf, falls over). Another cute animal lurks close by (also being cute), but is hungry for blood. The blood-hungry guy gets some of his friends together, devises a simple and devious plan and traps the little cute guy. The little cute guy looks around for his mother and then gets fucking destroyed by the other guys. The other guys eat the little guy and get the little guy's blood and guts all over their nice, white coats (and feet).

Rinse and Repeat.

This is the formula for the Discovery Channel's Frozen Planet, the new nature show from the people who made Planet Earth.

Oh, you know, just a penguin blasting out of some ice while another penguin walks by. 

Frozen Planet is frickin' bonkers. Last night, they showed glacial rivers thawing out in Antarctica, elephant seals stabbing each other in the neck and a caterpillar turn into a moth. They actually followed the caterpillar around for five years. Let me just repeat that last line for those of you who don't understand bonkersness when you see it ... THEY FOLLOWED A FUCKING CATERPILLAR AROUND FOR FIVE YEARS.

It honestly makes me angry at how incredible this show is. HOW DO YOU FOLLOW A CATERPILLAR AROUND FOR FIVE YEARS? I'm 34 years old and I still don't understand how a telephone works. You're telling me that if I pick up a metal object and push a few buttons, I can talk to someone in Denmark?! Cell phones I can at least kind of understand ... the signal leaves your little phone, bounces off a satellite and ends up in Copenhagen. But a landline?!?! Especially an overseas landline?!?!

Frozen Planet gets the first-ever TV My Wife Watches Triple Platinum Boner Approval Rating.

I will watch this show anytime, anywhere. The only negative (and it's a big one!) is that it's realllllllllly depressing. I wish the animals could all just be friends (instead of stabbing one other and eating each other's chests).

Thank you and have a blessed day.






If you like furry animals that don't eat each other, I'd recommend watching Too Cute! Kittens. Or if you like cheesesteaks, check out this place.