Wednesday's Wifey: J.R. Martinez's SAINT OF A GIRLFRIEND - Diana Jones

All young fellas from Shreveport, Louisiana, dream of one day beating Ricki Lake & Ron Artest in a dancing competition.

Growing up, a friend of mine had a three-legged dog. And while we played street hockey, that three-legged dog would run around on his three legs and do three-legged stuff like run funny and balance himself, and even though that three-legged dog was dope, all the kids in the neighborhood would still always be like, "Yo, that dog's got three legs! Let's go eat lunch! I love lunch!"

I loved that three-legged dog -- I mean, I didn't realllly love him, sure, yeah, I'd give him some of my lunch if he poked his three-legged nose around, but I wasn't gonna cuddle with him, that would be gross! -- but some folks (like his owners, the Pettits) loved that dog like he had four legs (remember, he didn't ... he only had 75% of the legs dogs are supposed to have). Those people were better than me.

Well, so is J.R. Martinez's girlfriend, Diana Jones, who loves him despite the fact that he only has two legs. He's a nice doggie!

Let's take a look at this lady!

Look at that. She looks like such a nice person! And he's leaning his you-know-what side of his face on her head. Looks like she's got a nice manicure too.

Although, that's actually a bit rude ... rubbing it in ... "Heyyy, look at me, I've got nice fingers!" F*ck you and your fingers lady!

"Ohhhh, I've got the nicest fingers in the world! Look at my thumb! It's perfect. Hey everybody! Come look at me and my boyfriend who won Dancing With the Stars but mostly look at this thumb of mine! It's so rounded at the right part and thumby on the other! My purse has sparkles!"

GET OVER YOURSELF LADY!

Karina looks ecstatic to be getting hugged, doesn't she? "Oh yeah, thanks dude. Yeah, hug me, awesome. All right, that's enough. That's fine. It was a nice dance, but c'mon, the cameras are off us. Dude, oh no no no no no no, it has nothing to do with your burns, it has nothing to do with your burns, it's just you were hugging me a little tight and I have bad ribs, that's all. It's just my ribs. Ohhh, my ribs! Ow! I gotta go get some ice for my burns. I mean, my ribs. I'm Russian, I don't understand what's going on!"

"Okayyyy, yeah, I'm so happy! Woo. Yeah, woo. Awesome, okay. Are we done with the interview? Just putting your hand right on my shoulder, aren't ya?"

And how 'bout Kobayashi in the background?!?!

Now here's another saint of a woman, Heidi Klum, who doesn't mind at all that her man got injured in Iraq. "I love Seal's scars," says Heidi. "I also love seals. I mean eating seals, like seal burgers. Have you ever had one? Verrrrrry tasty."**

**Not only did Heidi Klum not say this, no one has ever said this.

Any idea who this sexy vixen is? She's also a very nice person (who apparently is so nice that she doesn't have to wear a brazier). Here name is Dana ... does that do anything for ya?

Dana Reeve! What a saint! That guy was Superman! And then he became a guy who couldn't do stuff. But she didn't care that he couldn't do stuff. She still loved him. I mean, she probably loved him more when he could do stuff, but she still loved him! And that says more that you can say about not liking your spouse when he or she throws his or her back out and can't do stuff.

So those two pictures of Diana Jones above, yeah, those are like the only two pictures of her online. But this lady's name is Diana Jones too, and she's a singer-songwriter who sings boring dumb songs. I mean, look how boring and dumb she is. Although, how comfortable does that couch look? "I'm sittttttttting on a couch and I'm playyyyyyyying a guitar." (That was her singing.)

This Diana Jones was a fugitive sex boss from Wales and I'm not yoking. She ran a brothel in the U.K. and eventually ended up going to jail. I know what you're thinking about her boobs, I know what you're thinking. So we don't even have to say it. We don't have to say anything about her boobs.

AS MUCH AS WE WANNA SAY STUFF, LET'S JUST BE NICE PEOPLE AND MOVE ON TO THE NEXT PRETTY PICTURE IN THIS BLOGPOST, OKAY?

Oh, bonjour! This Diana Jones is from FRANCH! Or at least, the words on the website where I got it were all in French. So far, she is my favorite sex boss Diana Jones. No idea if she's a nice person or not, but I would guess from her sultry boss-boobs smile, she's very very nice.

THIS Diana Jones is Amish! Yeah, a real Amish person (who apparently lets people use cameras to take pictures of her????). I know this because I found her picture on a website called AmishLiving.com (and I'm not yoking again!). Her particular page was set to private and said, "You must be a member of Amish Living to view this page."

BUT I'M NOT EVEN AMISH AND I SAW IT!

Diana Jones, mortgage broker from Illinois. Probably the kinkiest one of them all.

"Voulez-vous Ski-Doo avec moi ce soir?!?!"

OUI OUI MADEMOISELLE!

NICE BUTT!



Hey, have a great Thanksgizzles folks. Personally, I'm very thankful that there's a woman out there who is not disgusted by my bare baloney-butt. What are you thankful for? Leave a comment! Or don't and just check out this picture of a lady who looks like she's riding a magic carpet.

So I Tried To Talk To My Wife About Maksim Chmerkovskiy and His Attitude Problem

Thinking about getting a scarf this winter.

Earlier today, Us Weekly tweeted that "Hothead" Maksim Schmerkobskiebs had angered the Dancing With the Stars cast and crew this season with his overall poor attitude (pronounced AT-TEE-TOOD).

And because I share similar thoughts about my wife (who LOVES Maks), I figured I'd ask TVMWW's muse about everyone ripping into her favorite Ukranian Beau Hunk. We met in our kitchen while she unpacked some groceries and I followed her around with a clipboard.

Me:  So Dar, what time do you think you're gonna want dinner?

My Wife:  Pretty soon, I'm really hungry. 

Me:  (trying to write stuff down)

My Wife:  Are you writing this down?

Me:  (still trying to write stuff down)

My Wife:  Are you writing th...

Me:  So everyone's all upset with Maks, and you like the guy, but what do you like about him besides his good looks and sexy dance moves?

My Wife:  What else do you need?

Me:  Well it's just that ...

My Wife:  I mean, he's not my husband. He's just a guy I like on TV.

Me:  What about the fact that he's a jerk?

My Wife:  I don't think he's a jerk. I think he's just misunderstood.



Misunderstood his hairstylist.


Me:  You seem to have a habit of liking dudes that are misunderstood. Like Latrell Sprewell, and ... well, like Latrell Sprewell. Why do you think you gravitate to dudes like that?

My Wife:  Well, I think it's the whole, "Don't tell me what to do" thing. I'll like who I wanna like. And it's only a negative for Maks when his attitude gets in the way.

Me:  So always.

My Wife:  Unfortunately, I think his partners are often viewed less favorably because they're attached to him. Which is difficult because it's a contest. And it shouldn't be about him. But he has a point! I mean, he hasn't had bad partners, but when Derek got Jennifer Grey, I think he got Kirstie Alley. I mean, Dirty Dancing, y'know?

Me:  Yeah, but Derek has Ricki Lake now. And she's from Chubbsville.

My Wife:  It's not about being from Chubbsville.

Me:  Maks had Hope Solo. And she's a professional athlete.

My Wife:  Yeah, you'd think she would've been better.

Me:  Are you eating cashews?

My Wife:  Yeah.

Me:  Gimme some.

At this point, my wife kept talking, but I was eating a lot of cashews and got really thirsty. Then I made a smoothie. And then for some reason my wife started singing "My Prerogative" by Bobby Briz.

So there's the first TVMWW post in the last ten days.




Dancing With the Stars ends this week with a 2-part finale Mondee and Tuesdee. You can watch it on ABC. Or you can watch the 2-part documentary about Woody Allen tonight and tomorrow on PBS. Check out this pic of the Wood-Man in high school. Or look at this woodchuck eating an apple.

Wednesday's Wifey: Chaz Bono's Girlfriend - Jennifer Elia

I do not have one undershirt that is even CLOSE to as white as that one Chaz is wearing.

Look, I'm all for transgender stuff and gay rights and sons/daughters of celebrities getting to be on Dancing With the Stars, but SOMEONE NEEDS TO DISCUSS THIS WHOLE CHAZ BONO HAS A GIRLFRIEND AND SHE'S KIND OF HOT THING.

So let's take a look at Jennifer Elia, not to be confused with former Phillies manager, Lee Elia.

Not quite sure what's going on here, but it looks as if Chaz-Bo is running for mayor. I've honestly never seen anyone happier to introduce his girlfriend to someone in my life. "Oh this? This is nothing, JUST MY REALLY HOT GIRLFRIEND THAT I BROUGHT WITH ME TONIGHT. Not that big of a deal. Just my GIRLFRIEND. That I'm here with. I'm Chaz Bono, running in the 17th district. For Deputy Dilds."

Here we get a glimpse into Jennifer's life away from Chaz -- a relaxed woman just out and about running errands. Notice the cutoff sweats and bare feet, showing that she's easy going and outdoorsy. Or it could also be a sign that she's trying to score some Crystal Meth.

When you're dating the son/daughter of a famous celebrity, sometimes you get to go out to fancy events. Here, it looks like Chaz has taken her to ... wait a minute ... is that Kumar in the background? That's Kumar in the background, isn't it? And I do acknowledge that if that's not Kumar, then that statement is sort of racist, but that's definitely Kumar! Anyway, Jennifer's bra is showing. Which is nice.

Yeah, this is a totally normal picture. Just Sonny and Cher's transgender son/daughter with his girlfriend and Meatloaf and some lady who I presume is Mrs. Meatloaf and who has a massive space between her yam-yams. Or is that the def lady who was on the Apprentice? You know who I'm talking about, Marla something. I wanna say Marla Maples, but it's definitely not Marla Maples.

This is Marla Maples -- doing something very strange, but very erotic. Possibly next week's Wednesday Wifey?

Other times when you're dating the son/daughter/Meatloaf's best friend, you have to run through the airport trying to avoid Adrian Peterson. Is All Day AP trying to take their picture? If you were a part of the paparazzi, would you wear a Vikings jersey? Nice midriff on Jennifer. There's so many duffel bags in this picture.

Running through airports is exhausting. That's why Chaz-Bo is holding THE BIGGEST WATER BOTTLE EVER.

OH, HEY THERE. NOPE, NOTHING BIG HERE, JUST A GUY IN A TOP HAT AND GLOVES STANDING NEXT TO CHAZ AND JENNIFER. OH, AND THAT OTHER GUY? JUST A DUDE WALKING BY WHO HAPPENED TO BE ON THE STREET AT THE SAME TIME THIS PICURE WAS TAKEN. TOTALLY NORMAL PICTURE ... TOTALLY NORMAL!

I honestly don't know why we're focusing this Wednesday's Wifey on some lady who nobody cares about when the Cher-Bonos are honestly the strangest family ever. How good does Cher look here? And yes I'm aware that Sonny's mustache is unmatched.

Uhhhh, where do you even start in this picture? These are actual people! And Cher looks so angry. And why is Chaz smiling SO happily? And is that even Chaz? And how soft is that carpet?!

I need to stop this. I need to just end this week's Wednesday Wifey. I can't believe how attracted to Cher I'm becoming. And how Sonny Bono is pretty much the exact person I want to be in this world. Also, I got four hours sleep last night. I need to get off this computer ... now.

For NPR in Washington, I'm Lackshmi Singh.



Yo, did you tweet Josh Scobee yet and tell him to be interviewed by TVMWW? Do it now. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of a pig staring you right in your dumb face.

DWTS: Heeeeeeeeere's Carson!

Y'know, for a style expert, doesn't he need a new haircut?

At this point, you pretty much know what you're gonna get outta Dancing with the Stars. Some has-beens taking their last shot at fame, others looking to boost their careers and host Entertainment Tonight, some hot Russian ladies, some jacked Russian dudes, some dancing, some cleave-action, a few Bergeron zingers, some crying, people holding their fingers up to their ears pretending that their fingers are actually phones and mouthing that we should call them ... y'know, your standard B minus television show.

That is, until Carson Kressley came around.

The former host of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy burst back into the national spotlight last night with a flutterbug dancing performance that completely blew America's mind. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't good - oh God, it wasn't good - but it was so incredibly entertaining that I will now be tuning in every Mondee night just to watch him.

I really don't know how to describe Carson's dancing style. He doesn't really have any rhythm - like ANY rhythm - but he was somehow able to make it all work because he was ALL ABOUT IT. And I don't mean he was "all about it" as in he was all business, he was just totally into it. As if it was the most important, exciting and fun thing he'd ever done in his life. He was pointing ... jack-knife kicking ... he did some toe taps ... some fluttering ... there was a lot of fluttering ...  did I mention the toe taps? And the thing is, Carson knew that he looked a little ridiculous, but he just embraced the whole thing. He reminded me of how I feel every time I wear tightie whities.

F*cking ALL ABOUT IT.

And I was thinking, have they ever had a flamboyant gay guy on DWTS before? Sure, sure they had Mario Lopiz, but he's Latin, so that doesn't really count. I guess I could look it up on Wikipedia, but that would require all sorts of typing and opening other windows and I can't be bothered with that. Plus, if I were to find that DWTS did have flamboyant gay guys before it would render this entire paragraph meaningless. So bravo to the ABC casting department on this one. Not to mention surrounding Carson with some other great stars people who may or may not have appeared on TV before.

Such as:

Ron Artest aka Metta World Peace - who showed up last night with a Rodman-esque blonde hairdo with the word "Shalom" shaved in Hebrew. Oh, he also wore a bow-tie without a shirt. And he hit on Brooke Burke. And he was BY FAR the sweatiest competitor to ever appear on the show. Oh, one more thing, HE ONCE RAN INTO THE STANDS AT THE PALACE IN AUBURN HILLS TO PUNCH A FAN IN THE FACE.

RUN LADY RUN!

Rob Kardashian - and his entire Kardashian entourage (read: Kim).

A Guy with a Burnt Face

Chaz Bono - the transgender lovechild of Sonny and Cher.

Did you notice how I just sorta slid in that whole "Guy with a Burnt Face" in there? Let me explain. There's a guy with a burnt face, J.R. Martinez, who was an Iraqi War veteran who got his face blown off in combat (very sad) and is now a character on All My Children. 

And I'm being serious! 

And here's the thing ... he's a good dancer!

Well ABC, I thought I'd seen it all, but clearly I was mistaken. I will definitely be tuning in next week and the week after that and the week after that as long as Carson and the burnt guy are still alive. 

Besides, I already know exactly what's going to happen on Mondee Night Football ...

"Eli is back to pass, he's looking deep down the sideline for Nicks .... OH! ... Picked off by Quentin Mikell ... horrible throw by Manning there. And the Rams will take over deep in their own territory. Wow, Eli really sucked at throwing a football on that one."

I didn't even mention this guy, but look at him smelling her!

I know Chrissy, I know, I'm supposed to write about the True Blood and Bachelor Pad finales. And I will. But not before you check out this picture of Ron Jaworski jacking a little kid.

American Idol / Dancing With the Stars: Apparently Christian Slater is Not Dead and Kirstie Alley is Not Easy to Carry

The real question is, how many more dogs are under that robe?

I gotta tell ya, I have NO IDEA what's going on with Steven Tyler's hair. For the first half-hour of tonight's Idol show, I dedicated myself to getting to the bottom of this mystery, and now, an hour later, the only conclusion I've come to is the fact that Christian Slater's daughter REALLY likes American Idol.

From the best I can tell, Steven Tyler's got some highlights sprinkled into his natural coif, along with a grey streak, a few braids, and if I'm not mistaken, a peacock feather. Now, I know that I'm not necessarily the Vidal Sassoon of the blogging world, but since when did incorporating exotic bird feathers into your hair become stylish? Also, is the peacock even exotic?

Every time I watch Idol I expect Stacey and Clinton to pop up outta nowhere.

And what's the deal with peacocks getting free reign at the zoo? They're able to just roam around as they please while every other animal is confined to a cage? I swear, every time I'm in line for ice cream, or running (and screaming) out of the snake house, I bump into a peacock just strolling around. I mean, I get the obvious reason, peacocks are f**king dope, but how did they convince every zookeeper in the world to let them stroll around all-willy-nilly?

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  Hey peacocks, welcome to the San Diego Zoo. Hope you had a nice trip in from Madagascar. Listen, we're gonna set you up over here in this nice cage. It's got some smooth rocks and a pond and ...

Peacock:  Welllllllll, actually we were thinking we could just roam around. You know, all over the place.

Ziggy:  Yeah right. So, just follow me over here to your peacock cage, you're really gonna love it. Did you get a chance to meet the pengui ...

Peacock:  Nah yo, I'm not living in no cage. Neither are my boys. We're roaming around. We're peacocks.

Ziggy the Zoo Keeper:  You're kidding right? What do you mean you're just gonna roam around? You need to live in a cage.

Peacock:  Look dude, we're peacocks. We roam around. That's what we do.

Ziggy:  Yeah, yeah, there's plenty of room to roam around in your cage. Did you see the rocks?

Peacock:  Dude. DUDE. You're not getting it. I'm a grown-ass peacock. I'll roam around wherever I want to. I'm not having some dumb zookeeper tell me where to live.

Ziggy:  Whoa whoa whoa ...

Peacock:  I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get upset. And don't get me wrong, those are nice rocks, they really are. And we like ponds, we do, but I'm a grown-ass peacock. And I'm going wherever I want, whenever I want.

Ziggy:  I really don't think this is a ...

Peacock:  Trust me man, trust me. I'm a peacock. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go chew on this cigarette butt.

Mr. Peacock in high school. Possibly rocking a tweed jacket?

I'm guessing that Christian Slater's daughter friggin' loves peacocks, probably not as much as she loves Pia McGia, but probably enough to get her dad to buy her a grown-ass peacock to put in some cage. Speaking of cages, has Christian Slater been locked in one the past twenty years? Where's that guy been? Part of me thinks that maybe he and Ralph Macchio have been off together in Madagascar searching for the Fountain of Youth. And what does it say for a celebrity's career if he's now getting front row tix for American Idol? I guess some stars go to Laker games, some go to American Idol and some fall flat on their backs while attempting to dance with Maksim Chmerkovskiy.

Down goes Chmerkovskiy! Down goes Chmerkovskiy!

Poor Kirstie Alley. And it's not even like she was dropped by some little guy like Mark Ballas or Christian Slater. She was dropped by the manliest, Ukrainianest, hairiest guy on that show. She's all right though. She's tough. She's thick-skinned. She does whatever she wants. She's like a friggin' peacock. Like a giant, clumsy, gargantuan peacock.

I hope Maks is okay.

Follow TVMWW on Facebook and Twitter. 
Or just look at this picture of a frog that's trying to balance on a piece of celery. 

DWTS: Photos of Stars Who May or May Not Be Dancing With People Who Are More Famous Than Them

This picture is for my wife. You're welcome Dar Dar.

I fell asleep during last week's season premiere of Dancing With the Stars, but not before hearing Tom Bergeron pronounce Ralph Macchio's first name, "Rowlf," like the piano playing Muppet dog.

Quick thoughts on this year's participants:

People I Like or Once Liked

Kirstie Alley: Loved her on Cheers, not sure what she's been doing since, and I think her hair looks really really clean in the picture above. 

Ralph Macchio: Loved him in The Outsiders, not sure what he's been doing since, but I think he once played a Chinese kid in some movie about Chinese food.

Sugar Ray Leonard: Loved him when I got one of those Sugar Ray punching bags as a kid, not sure what he's been doing since, and I'm pretty sure that's a fake belt he's wearing in that picture.

People That Are Okay, I Guess, And I Could Possibly Grow to Like Them

Kendra Wilkinson: Never found her that attractive, but she does have a pretty decent and silly personality. Husband is a terrible football player and not quite sure what she's doing with her feet up there. Is that the "flutter-foot"?

Petra Nemcova: I sort of find her attractive, but the fact that she broke her hip in a Tsunami is the least surprising thing I've ever heard. Also, executing the "flutter-foot" much better than Kendra. A true professional.

Hinds Ward: Never had him on my fantasy team, which is mind-blowing because I'm pretty sure I drafted Hank Baskett a few years ago. Obviously loves Chinese food as evidenced by picture above.

Evster's note: Apparently his name is actually "Hines." I don't know why I thought it was "Hinds," probably because I'm an idiot. Thanks to "Nathan" for pointing this out in the comments section, the 947th time he's ever corrected me.

 

Romeo: I find this picture to be absolutely hilarious, so I now kinda like him. Would KILL to have a mustache like that. Probably a better wide receiver than Hank Baskett.

Chelsea Kane: Has probably never met a black person.

People That Seem Really Really Annoying

Chris Jericho: I hate white people.

Wendy Williams: Cried like 7 times on the first episode. Probably the worst dancer I've ever seen.

The Reason I Watch This Show (Or At Least the Reason I Tell People Why I Watch This Show)

Anna Trebunskaya: Nobody "flutter-foots" like the Russians.

DWTS: See Ya Derek Hough!

What is this move? The double-thumbs-up eyebrow-raise lip-waggle?

Well, your boy Derek Hough is leaving Dancing With the Stizzles, taking a year off to pursue a film career. Derek claims that he'll be filming a movie called Cobu 3D where he'll play a street dancer who uses his hips to dance right in people's faces.

Derek and I have had a rollercoaster of a ride together. At first, I proclaimed him the world's most annoying person. Then, he blew my mind with his incredible dance moves and remarkable restraint to not choke out Jennifer Grey. Personally, I don't believe that he's actually going to be filming a movie. I'm thinking he's going to be taking advantage of his God given abilities to become the greatest waiter in T.G.I.Friday's history.

Here's a link to all of my DWTS posts from this past seez. Also, below is another picture of Derek making a face that makes me want to put my fist right through my computer monitor.

All in all though, I kinda like him!

Derek and Cher.