DWTS: Heeeeeeeeere's Carson!

Y'know, for a style expert, doesn't he need a new haircut?

At this point, you pretty much know what you're gonna get outta Dancing with the Stars. Some has-beens taking their last shot at fame, others looking to boost their careers and host Entertainment Tonight, some hot Russian ladies, some jacked Russian dudes, some dancing, some cleave-action, a few Bergeron zingers, some crying, people holding their fingers up to their ears pretending that their fingers are actually phones and mouthing that we should call them ... y'know, your standard B minus television show.

That is, until Carson Kressley came around.

The former host of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy burst back into the national spotlight last night with a flutterbug dancing performance that completely blew America's mind. Now don't get me wrong, it wasn't good - oh God, it wasn't good - but it was so incredibly entertaining that I will now be tuning in every Mondee night just to watch him.

I really don't know how to describe Carson's dancing style. He doesn't really have any rhythm - like ANY rhythm - but he was somehow able to make it all work because he was ALL ABOUT IT. And I don't mean he was "all about it" as in he was all business, he was just totally into it. As if it was the most important, exciting and fun thing he'd ever done in his life. He was pointing ... jack-knife kicking ... he did some toe taps ... some fluttering ... there was a lot of fluttering ...  did I mention the toe taps? And the thing is, Carson knew that he looked a little ridiculous, but he just embraced the whole thing. He reminded me of how I feel every time I wear tightie whities.

F*cking ALL ABOUT IT.

And I was thinking, have they ever had a flamboyant gay guy on DWTS before? Sure, sure they had Mario Lopiz, but he's Latin, so that doesn't really count. I guess I could look it up on Wikipedia, but that would require all sorts of typing and opening other windows and I can't be bothered with that. Plus, if I were to find that DWTS did have flamboyant gay guys before it would render this entire paragraph meaningless. So bravo to the ABC casting department on this one. Not to mention surrounding Carson with some other great stars people who may or may not have appeared on TV before.

Such as:

Ron Artest aka Metta World Peace - who showed up last night with a Rodman-esque blonde hairdo with the word "Shalom" shaved in Hebrew. Oh, he also wore a bow-tie without a shirt. And he hit on Brooke Burke. And he was BY FAR the sweatiest competitor to ever appear on the show. Oh, one more thing, HE ONCE RAN INTO THE STANDS AT THE PALACE IN AUBURN HILLS TO PUNCH A FAN IN THE FACE.

RUN LADY RUN!

Rob Kardashian - and his entire Kardashian entourage (read: Kim).

A Guy with a Burnt Face

Chaz Bono - the transgender lovechild of Sonny and Cher.

Did you notice how I just sorta slid in that whole "Guy with a Burnt Face" in there? Let me explain. There's a guy with a burnt face, J.R. Martinez, who was an Iraqi War veteran who got his face blown off in combat (very sad) and is now a character on All My Children. 

And I'm being serious! 

And here's the thing ... he's a good dancer!

Well ABC, I thought I'd seen it all, but clearly I was mistaken. I will definitely be tuning in next week and the week after that and the week after that as long as Carson and the burnt guy are still alive. 

Besides, I already know exactly what's going to happen on Mondee Night Football ...

"Eli is back to pass, he's looking deep down the sideline for Nicks .... OH! ... Picked off by Quentin Mikell ... horrible throw by Manning there. And the Rams will take over deep in their own territory. Wow, Eli really sucked at throwing a football on that one."

I didn't even mention this guy, but look at him smelling her!

I know Chrissy, I know, I'm supposed to write about the True Blood and Bachelor Pad finales. And I will. But not before you check out this picture of Ron Jaworski jacking a little kid.