Top Chef: Is Sarah the Worst Person in the World?

What self respecting chef wears open-toed sandals?!  ... AND WHOOOAAAA MAKEUP!

We've seen a lot of unlikable villains in Top Chef history: Elan, Angelo, Anthony Bourdain, that chick from earlier this year who was a jerk to Bev, those snooty couples from Dallas, Glenn Close, but finalist Sarah might be the most evil yet.

But how does she stack up against the current title holder of "Worst Person in the World?" ... Chris Brown.

"F&M" stands for Fucking Doucher.

TALENT

SARAH: Seems to make delicious hand-rolled pasta, but according to my friend Leah who has rolled her own pasta TWICE, "hand-rolled pasta tastes a lot like packaged pasta." Also, I kinda feel like that's Sarah's only move! GET A NEW MOVE LADY! This lady I work with is a black belt in karate and has like seven moves!

CHRIS BROWN:  Really, really, really good dancer.

PERSONALITY

SARAH:  Zero likable qualities. Whines in the kitchen and berates her fellow chefs. Cocky, but not in a charming way like Shaquille O'Neal. Not Asian.

CHRIS BROWN:  Refers to his fan base as "Team Breezy," proof enough that he's a total dickwad.

Quick tangent about Chris Brown ... HOW ARE PEOPLE SUPPORTING THIS GUY?!?! Like, who made the decision to have him perform TWICE at the Grammys (one of which was lip-synced) and then WIN A FRIGGIN' MAJOR AWARD?!?! I was sooooooo sad to hear that Rihanna reconciled with him AND MADE A SONG?!?! I love her (and her twat) sooooo much and feel that she (and the entire cast of Jersey Shore) put women back about fifty years.

I always kinda feel sorry for the little lobbies.

FRIENDS

SARAH:  Claims to go wayyyyyyy back with chef Takashi Yagihashi  -- who I'd never heard of, but "Takashi" was also the name of the dude from Revenge of the Nerds ("Ohhhh, like salad") so he's cool with me.

CHRIS BROWN: Who gives a shit, right? Fuck this guy. Let's watch some Revenge of the Nerds clips.

HUNG WAS A BOSSSSSSSSSS.

Tonight is the SEASON FINALE of Top Chef and I'm totally gonna live-tweet it. ISN'T THAT FRIGGIN' INTERESTING?!?! I'll tell ya what's also interesting, this picture of a lake in Mayanmar (that also looks nothing like Drexel Hill, PA).

Some Quick Thoughts About Top Chef So Far This Seez

Is Ed wearing the Kobe's? ... I knew I liked him.

Ty-Lör?

Ed is quite popular in our home. Possibly because he looks like a karate master, but moreso because of the way he talks. He kinda moves his jaw around in a circle -- sort of like how Shaq talks out of the side of his mouth (so does Kandi from RHOA), but it looks more like a cow chewing grass. He seems to be a decent chef too, which is cool I guess if you're into that sort of thing. Also, how much do cows love eating grass? They literally have no other hobbies. 

Chris Jones's hair is UNACCEPTABLE. The little pony-tail thing on top of his head? Only karate masters can pull that off (although I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that guy took karate as a child -- karate's a hobby for kids who can't throw or catch a ball -- and there's no way a man with that type of haircut is a good athlete). 

I know that it seems like I don't respect karate, but I totally do. In fact, I'd be ecstatic if my future pathetic son (who won't be able to throw or catch a ball) decided to take up karate. I'm 34 years old and I still have no idea how those guys can karate-chop a brick.

Can we seriously stop for a second and think about how amazing it is that karate guys can karate-chop a brick?!?! And actually, not just one brick, but like a whole pile of bricks! You can't fake that folks! You can't fake karate-chopping bricks! There's no secret magic bricks out there to buy (trust me, I've searched, OH I'VE SEARCHED). And sometimes they do it with their heels! The other day, I accidentally let my screen door close on my heel and I've been complaining about it ever since. I fucking hate my screen door.

Ty-Lör? With an umlaut? 

Also, what is with this Chef Roblé? The guy can skateboard? That's appealing to me as a television viewer? (For the record, I was actually intrigued when those commercials first came on. I will honestly watch any television show. There was a show last week about guys from Virginia making moonshine -- I stayed up until 2am watching it and seriously considered making my own liquor. Then I heard a noise in my house and got scared and ran to bed.)   

For some reason, my wife really likes Grayson, the semi-attractive lady. It seems like my wife always gravitates to the female chefs. I like her okay. I think my favorite is the cow guy. I think I just really like cows. 

C'mon, that's a nice-looking cow. 

And how 'bout Padma this year, huh? She looks fantastic. Gail looks nice and happy too. I imagine the true perverts out there (I'm talking to you, Rev) prefer Gail to Pad. I will also bet my entire sock of nickels that Gail's husband takes karate. 

It'd be one thing if the guy's name was just Ty-Lör, but it's Ty-Lör Boring! And who has the AU-DA-CITY to have a name with an umlaut?!?!

The episode in Dallas with the young rich couples was mind-boggling. And not just because of the wealth, and how clean those people's homes were, actually yeah, it was how clean those people's homes were. Those kitchens were spotless! Even when our kitchen is tidy, there's still SOMETHING left out -- some mail, a sock full of nickels (some dimes too), my air-pop popcorn maker that seriously doesn't fit into any cabinets -- I don't understand what goes on in this world. 

The only good thing about Dallas ever. Dude ripped like 8 boards a game!

GIRL WITH DRAGON TATTOO UPDATE: So I'm now on page 182 of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Kalle Bloomquist is living on that cold island and just went into town to get some long underwear. I honestly love long underwear. It's so tight! And warm! And long! You guys should read that book. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr check out these 10 Swedish guys and one fake Swedish guy. 

Wednesday's Wifeys: Top Chef Master Blasters - Eric Ripert's Sandra and Tom Colicchio's Lori

Hey guys, it's fine! You can just pose for a pic while the rest of us prepare the food!

The new season of Top Chef: Texas starts tonight.

Pretty sure it'll be just like the other Top Chefs, only this year's has more potential to shoot the President.

My wife and I lurve Top Chef (it's one of our shows -- like actual shows that we actually watch), so I thought about making Padma and Gail Wednesday's Wifeys, but we already know enough about them. Padma of course used to be married to Salman Rushdie, had a baby with a computer geek and got that scar on her arm when she tried to eat a rhino. Gail was a drip until she got engaged and now is happier than a pig in Texas. But we don't know jack about Tom Colicchio's and Eric Ripert's ladies ... and there's only one way to find out.  

Tom's wife is named Lori Silverbush and I'm not kidding. Sometimes these posts just write themselves. Kinda surprised she didn't take the Colicchio name, but maybe she's proud of her Silverbush heritage. My fantasy football team is named "Hairy Bush" and when I named the team years ago, I thought the name was a play on words, like my friend Harry who I call "Harry Dick." Turns out, Hairy Bush means nothing more than a vagina with hair on it. Pretty fitting name for my team actually. By the way, how smitten is Tom? I don't trust this lady.

My mother would not approve of this photo. You've got a kid who's sitting with his feet on the couch (unacceptable in her home!) and a giant dog who may or may not be having his way with those cushions (she's reprimanded me for that too!). And Tom's bracelets are unacceptable.

Silverbush is a film producer and director. Here she is with one of her co-filmmakers who probably owns every Bell Biv DeVoe album ever made (there were actually three!).

When Sugarbush is out making movies, it gives Tom time to gay it up with his son. People.com (where I snagged this pic from) wrote the caption, "He's a Top Dad!" for this photo. What an awful publication.

By the way, if anyone at People.com is reading this, I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR A JOB WITH YOU GUYS. I'LL WRITE A BACHELOR BLOG ... SNAP SOME PHOTOS ... I'LL EVEN GAY IT UP A LITTLE BIT!

Here's Silverboosh with Bell Biv DeVeezy again! I'm starting to think maybe they're having a little flingy-ding. I'm also starting to think that maybe this dude played point guard at St. John's. I also can't believe I just wrote "flingy-ding."

Atta boy Tommy! If she's gonna work it / twerk it with other dudes, you're entitled to do some slurpin' and burpin' with Gail. I also can't believe how drunk Tom looks in this picture. YEAH, WE SEE YOUR WEDDING RING COLICCHIO ... BUT WE STILL KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO!

And heeeeeerrrrrreeeeee's Eric's woman, Sandra Ripert -- who shares both his last name and his zest for life. Isaac Mizrahi (who I had to Google to find out his first name ... honestly ... I know you don't believe me, but I did) has his hand a littttttttttle bit too close to her underboob. Ripert doesn't seem to mind though, the French are cool like that.

Oh, hello there Cleveland Cleaverado. It's truly amazing what a hanging boob can do for a woman.

And she's a biker too! High heels and all. I like this lady.

These two are seriously living it up! Look at that Frenchman! Can you smell the pheromones, Eric? And is he dancing with Camille Grammer? I'm pretty sure his wife is on acid.

Yep, definitely on acid. How else could you explain the fact that they're willing to swing with this Norwegian couple? LOOK AT THAT GUY'S HAIR! That's the ole "dipsy-do" cut. And what kind of business papers is he carrying?

This guy probably gets the best acid. Why else would anyone ever talk to him?





Top Chef: Texas starts tonight at 10pm on Bravo. Also on tonight at 8pm on ESPN2 is "Unguarded," the 30 for 30 about Chris Herren -- the former Boston College, Fresno State and Boston Celtics player who pretty much shoved every drug up his nose that he could find. I recommend you watch it. Orrrrrrrr, check out this two-legged dog.

American Idol, Top Chef and a College Basketball Bonanza

Don't get excited, there is VERY little J-Lo and Idol talk in this post.

The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost 22 straight games. And for the past 22 straight nights I have lost control of my remote.

So when I saw yesterday that UConn-Syracuse, Nova-Marquette, Duke-Maryland (my alma mater) and Mizzou-Oklahoma State were going head to head with American Idol and Top Chef, I needed to put my foot down. I told my wife that I "kinda sorta, would like to maybe, uh, watch a little college basketball tonight during commercials?"

And she said fine!

Now, I have painted a picture of my wife as being a terrifying woman (and she is!), but she can also be incredibly kind, generous, understanding and agreeable, ESPECIALLY if I make dinner and clean up (which I did last night, LIKE A BOSS). Occasionally she'll even leave her switch blade upstairs (but still somehow seems to be able to find a shank when she needs one). She is also a pretty big sports fan, more-so the NBA, baseball, tennis and the Olympics, but can be convinced to watch anything. Her college basketball experiences have been limited though, you see, she went to Brandeis, which doesn't quite have the hoops culture of Maryland, but has almost as many Jews.  

Brandeis basketball ... I actually had a pair of those Cons. They were amazing.

Also, this wouldn't be an issue if my wife would agree to have a second TV in the house, but she refuses. She comes from one of those intellectual families that reads the New York Times and does homework and raises their children to be knife wielding maniacs and I respect that, because my parents too read the New York Times, only they read it while watching television in separate rooms and may or may not have had a conversation in the past seventeen years.

Suffice it to say, I was REALLY excited to see Missouri's 40 minutes of pressure defense and UConn's Kemba Walker and Duke's three point snipers and as I type this I realize that NONE OF MY READERS CARE about college basketball and it was SO DUMB to start a blog called TV My Wife Watches. Why didn't I just start a blog called Sports That I Watch?!?!! That would've been a pretty good idea, Ev! I mean, really, would it have been that hard to find the domain name, Sports That I Watch Dot Blogspot Dot Com? How bout ESPN Blogspot Dot Com? Or Anything Besides TV My Wife Watches Dot Blobspots Dots Coms?!?!

However, seeing that my blog followers are 90% women and I'm 100% whipped, let's just talk about American Idol and Top Chef and call it a day.

Idol was great, it's always great. I have nothing else to say. I friggin' love that show, love the new judges, love my wife, love reality television, and can't believe how absolutely bonkers beautiful J-Lo is. That cowboy kid was fantastic and even though that community college lovebird couple seemed REALLY annoying, that little kid sounded like friggin' Harry Connick Joons. Also, are you ready for this, I think Ryan Seacrest is funny and I kinda like him.

Yep, I said it. The guy has a good personality and was fantastic in his cameo role in Knocked Up. I've heard a lot of people say, "I think he's just really good at what he does," blah blah blah, but the bottom line is that he's a funny dude, doesn't take himself too seriously and probably has televisions in every room of his house.

This guy is not mentioned ONCE in this blog. How is that possible?!?!

Top Chef was also good. Kinda sad to see Tre go home, I always liked The Black Italian. I was actually hoping Dale would be sent packing, I think he's a jerk. He's always freaking out and barking at people and when he does his little confessional interviews, he sits back with his arms folded like a sulky kid who isn't allowed to have a television in his bedroom.

But no one is worse than Angelo. It's gotten to the point where everything he does annoys me; his mannerisms, the way he grates pepper, the way he doesn't get back on defense and refuses to dive on the floor for loose balls. Also, whenever he presents his dish, he always says something like, "Here I have a beautiful lamb shank, with some gorgeous lamb balls," always feeling the need to talk up his food. He's the ultimate Top Chef villain. I wonder if he slept with Carlos Boozer?

Lastly, kinda cool that all the slick Italians at Rao's knew Tom Colicchio and Anthony Bourdain and Lorraine Bracco. Even cooler to hear Lorrain Bracs tell the story about how Martin Scorsese's mom made all the food on set for the cast and crew of Good Fellas. I roasted a chicken last night that I bought at Acme and it was terrible. But I did totally see Mason Plumlee ram on some dude's neck. That dude is a beast.