Wednesday's Wifey: Luisana Lopilato aka Mrs. Michael Bublé

My wife and I took a similar pic over a canal while we were in Bruges, but I had food in my teeth and she was looking off at a duck eating a piece of bread.

You wanna hear some buhhhlllisht? In the history of the Miss Universe Pageant, only ONE Argentinian chick has been crowned champion.

Is that a yoke?!?!

It's been proven BY SCIENCE that Argentinian women are the HOTTEST, followed closely by Brazilians, Colombians and chicks who wear leather socks.

Michael Boobs ain't no dummy, that dude bagged himself an Argentinian BOMB -- Luisana Lopilato -- today's Wednesday Wifey.

Here's the lovely couple out for a stroll with their dog Waymond, who seems to have a very unfortunate case of lockpaw. Look at that dog's right arm! That jawn is LOCKED. "Go this way Boobs! And also, ruff!"

HOW FUCKING AMAZING WOULD IT BE IF DOGS COULD TALK? ... AND ALSO POINT WHICH WAY THEY WANTED US TO WALK? ... AND ALSO MAKE BURRITOS?!?!

My Marinovich-like parents made me take piano lessons for three years and I ain't NEVER played on no piano like this! Wow, what a beauty! Is that a Steinway? Or a Bosendorfer? Oh, also, if you look above that beautiful shiny black piano you'll see a half-nekkid Argentinian chick. And if you're a real perv and you look down, you'll notice a small window of space in between her legs and underneath her nosh. My buddy Jonny Hi-tops claims he only finds women attractive if their thighs don't touch. Jonny also shits his pants VERY regularly. His wife is a very nice person who deserves much bettter than him. Also, I would pay Luisana big big bucks to spit on me.

This is Norma Nolan, Miss Universe 1962 from Argentina. It's a nice pic, she looks good, I appreciate her hairless thighs, but check out the dude over her left shoulder STRAIGHT CHILLIN' with (possibly) a case of lockarm. You think he's ever plowed a chick on a piano? NO DOUBT.

Ever seen two people more miserable on a gondola ride? Maybe they're freezing? Seasick? Low blood sugar? That's the #1 cause of every fight my wife and I ever get into. When the hell did we get to the point in our lives where if we didn't have a granola bar by 11am we'd feel the urge to spit on someone? And how 'bout the fact that the gondola driver looks totally oblivious that Luisana and Boobs are having a lousy time. "Ah, yes-ah, if you look over to the right-ah, you see the home-ah of Luigi Inzaghi, my mailman. He bring-a the mail-a. He also have nice wife-ah."

Maybe they got into a fight over one of Lulu's exes, like this dude, Mariano Martinez. He looks so much cooler than Boobs even though he's going with the whole shirt kinda-tucked-in-kinda-not look which is totally a move by the way.

Another one of Ms. Lopilato's exes, tennis player Juan Monaco, who is either the best or worst dude ever. Juan's wikipedia page says that he's a big San Antonio Spurs fan and also likes the Lord of the Rings books (still can't tell if he's cool!). Either way, I hope these two were able to figure out wherever they wanted to go without Lulu's dog pointing the way.

Mrs. Bublé's first boyfriend, Felipe Colombo, who she met while filming a kids show ... kinda like a Britney-Timblerlake-type thing. They also apparently MADE A PRIVATE VIDEO TOGETHER that I pray to God featured Felipe's shirt. THAT DUDE LOOKS SO SERIOUS! He has to be on meth now, right?

Bublé doesn't fuckin' play either! There's a reason he bagged Luisana in the first place and there's a reason she took a vow to be his WIFE. Look how fucking gentle he is! You think he wants to be on a gondola?!?! Hell no, he wants to lay down in the softest bed ever and croon! "Message to the rest of you creepers out there, SNITCHES GET STICHES, and yeah, that doesn't make sense here but you get the point so lay off my wife because I'd be sad if you messed around with her and I also really like her dog."

Awwww, poor Boobs. The rough part of being a celeb who's married to an Argentinian smokedog: sometimes people take pictures of you when you're taking a break from your trainer. I'm sorry Boobs, I shouldn't have posted this, BUT I'M HONESTLY AMAZED THAT YOU BAGGED LULU IN THE FIRST PLACE!! ... SHOULDN'T SHE BE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING WITH AN ARGENTINIAN STUD? ... LIKE THIS GUY ...

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PICTURE IS AMAZING. That lamp? That box fan? That stuffed dog and sticker on the wall that says "I LOVE SOCCER?!?!!?" How funny are impoverished South Americans!

Searching for pictures of Diego Maradona was the best thing I've done all week. You can sort of see his dork in his shorts! I CANNOT imagine how many chicks #10 probably blasted in that bedroom of his, or on gondolas, or pianos, or right in front of some chick's husband.

"Oh, y'know, just walking on a plank in between two houses with my Boca Juniors uniform on and a pair of slippers, and my giant dong, not that big of a deal."

Who's this week's Wednesday Wifey again? 

Did you peep the new TVWWW header? Shout-out to the fabulous Gabulous. If you wanna see more of Gabulous' stuff, click here. Or CHECK OUT ALL THESE BLUEBERRIES. 

The Most Bonkers Music Video You'll Ever See

A little present for you in honor of TV Me Weef Wooches' 1st birthday.

George Harrison: Living in a Material World



I gotta find out what shampoo Georgie was using.


Watched part I of the new Martin Scorsese documentary about George Harrison tonight on HBO and let me tell you, it was friggin' fantastic.

Especially hearing stories about the Beatles' early days in Liverpool. The film features interviews with the guys (both old and recent) as well as stories from Eric Clapton, friends and collaborators, talking about how the band grew up together both literally and figuratively.

Highlights included:

- Paul telling the story of when he first introduced George to John -- on the top of a double decker bus in Liverpool -- and how 15-year-old George essentially auditioned for the Beatles and blew John away with his guitar skills.

- George's letters written to his folks back home during the Beatles trek to America. Describing how they had to exit concerts in ambulances to avoid their rabid fans. And later telling his parents about a visit to Burt Lancaster's house and swimming in his pool that was "as warm as a bath."

I've always maintained that Ringo is my favorite (and I still think he is), but there's something very honest and sweet about George that makes him so lovable -- and a great subject for a film. I mean, I also think Mariah Carey would be a great subject for a film, but for completely different reasons.

Part II airs Thursday night at 9er on HBO.

No word on whether or not Scorsese (on anyone else) will be making that Mariah film.

Jersey Shore: This Show Makes Me Want to Take a Wrench and Wrench My Own Balls and I Don't Even Know What That Means

This picture is for my friend Sergio. And yes, I have a friend named Sergio. 

"One of the most worthless human beings in the entire world." - My friend Law

"Pathetic." - My wife

Of course, the million dollar question is: Who were they talking about?!?!

Was it:

A) Sammi Sweetheart
B) Samuel Rosenblatt, the World's Most Worthless and Pathetic Accountant
or
C) Sacremento Kings' big man, Slammin' Sammy Dalembert

If you guessed D) Sam Donaldson, then you A) clearly don't understand how to answer questions and B) totally underestimate the power of hard-hitting journalism combined with a strong part in your hair.

Strong Duck Dong. 

Sammi Sweetheart is indeed creeping up on Ashley Holmes from Real Housewives of the Armpit of the East Coast as the world's worst person. Her display during last Sundee's episode was straight-up embarrassing. For those of you who may have missed it (AND IF THAT'S YOU, CAN I PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME LIVE WITH YOU?), Sammi gave Ronnie back a bunch of presents that he had given her earlier that week to show him that his gifts didn't mean jack to her.

"I'm done with this. Done!"

So when Ronnie found the gifts (conveniently returned on his bed) he threw them all in the trash. When Sammi realized Ronnie was trashing them, she started fishing 'em out of the garbage and took them back - totally contradicting her initial point and proving that one lady's trash is another man's trash, and that trash is actually the first lady's treasure, but really that lady is hardly a lady in the first place, despite the fact that she sometimes looks kinda hot and I'm sorry, I really am, but she does sometimes look kinda hot.

IN HER DEFENSE THOUGH, I will say that Sammi Sweetheart has ABSOLUTELY ZERO nose hair, which is nice for her. I am honestly baffled when human beings have smooth inner nostrils, possibly because every time I look in the mirror I find my nose hair sprouting in every conceivable direction. I also sometimes find hairs sticking out of my ear lobe (not the inner ear, but the actual ear LOBE) which is both depressing and kind-of gully.

DJ Pauly D's hair never sprouts anywhere (actually, it's just like one huge sprout) and is a major part of his persona, but let's be honest for a second, the guy needs a new hairstyle. That blowout is just not a man's haircut, it's a little boy's cut. Don't get me wrong, I love Pauly D, and the blowout served its purpose by putting him on the map, but it's time for him to switch it up. It would do wonders for his future in reality television and hosting club nights at Harrah's pool.

Also, does anyone know what the "D" in Pauly D stands for?

Donaldson?

How ya doing, my name's Paul Donaldson, I'm here for the DJ tryouts.

Is that a Batman lapel?

My friend Sergio is opening a men's hair salon called "I'm Sergio" and I'm not making this up. Check out his website here. You can also follow I'm Sergio on Twitter. And me too. Or you could look at these pictures from the world's biggest tomato flight.  

The Morning Scone: Coco, Bruce Jenner and Lords of the Underground

Now there's a scone you could nibble on ... FOR DECADES!

Finally got around to watching Ice Loves Coco yesterday and I must say, that show is aptly named! He really does love that donk. And she seems to really love him too. Seems as if they have the best relationship on reality TV (yes, better than Khloe and Lamar Freaking Odom who I still can't believe is on a reality show!). That doesn't stop the fact that I would pay top dollar for a chance to play a round of Yahtzee on Coco's ass.

Also caught a little of the Keeping Up With the Kardashian's season premiere - that Bruce Jenner, that poor Bruce Jenner - he needs more face time on TV Me Weef Wooches. And Kim and her mom sure do hustle a lot. Those ladies work hard for their money! Personally, I think Kim should open a car wash called Kim Karwashian's.

The Stanley Cup Finals Game 7 is tonight, but I just can't take the Vancouver Canucks seriously without black, orange and yellow in their uniforms. Back in the day, the Canucks were 'bout it 'bout it in NHL '93 on Sega Genesis. They were unstoppable with Trevor Linden and Cliff Ronning, who my friend the Heis Dad nicknamed "The Chief Rocka." I have no idea why that nickname was both perfect and hilarious.

All right Lords of the Underground, take us out.




And the great Roc Raida, R.I.P.

Stuff I Watch: Tyler, the Creator, of Odd Future - aka a Guy Who is Going Bonkers

I'm still trying to get used to black dudes who skateboard, but I support them.

If you haven't heard of Tyler, the Creator, from the rap group Odd Future, you will soon.

He's completely bonkers, a polarizing rapper in the mold of Wu Tang and Mos Def, who is strangely engaging and addictive. This past week, while touring the country to promote his first solo album, "Goblin," Tyler was detained by police for disturbing the peace in LA and later started a riot at an album signing in Boston. I do not think he watches Real Housewives of anything.

I figured I'd post a few videos and links of Tyler, the Creator, doing his thang for your weekend perusal.

Here's a link to an NYT feature on Mr. Bonkerstein. 

Below is a video from a February appearance on Jimmy Fallon where Tyler wore a ski-mask for most of the performance and showed off some unbelievable swiveling skipping moves. Also, watch for Mos Def at the very end, who comes out of nowhere and starts screaming "SWAG!" into the camera. 






Below is his single "Yonkers." Clearly Tyler is trying to do something. I'm not sure what and I don't know if I'm into it, but he's definitely trying to do something and I like when people try to do things.






In this interview with Nardwuar below, you get to see Tyler's personality; sort-of annoying and immature, but also just a young kid having fun with his friends. Last week, my friends and I went to a 1 year-old's birthday party and then made egg salad sandwiches.






Overall, I think like what Tyler, the Creator, is doing. I wouldn't necessarily bring him to my family's Passover seder, but then again, I think he'd really enjoy watching my father eat gefilte fish.

Lastly, here's a link to the new Beastie Boys extended video movie “Fight For Your Right (Revisited),” with appearances from a ton of comedic actors including Seth Rogen, Danny McBride, Amy Poehler and not Mario Lopez.

Lady Gaga: Monster Ball Concert on HBO - Featuring Surprisingly Zero Live Horses on Stage

Just a fire-blasting tit, that's all.

After seeing this print ad with fireworks shooting out of Lady Gaga's boobs, my wife and I quickly realized that we had to watch her Monster Ball concert Saturday night on HBO. I mean, I love fireworks, I love boob-blasters and even though I'm not a huge fan of Lady Goggs's music, it's clear that anything can happen when she's on stage. The lady is a loose cannon, capable of both dancing with a horse or stabbing it in the face; she's completely unpredictable, like a young Regis Philbin.

However, now a mere 48 hours after watching her concert (which was MEE-DEE-OH-CURR by the way), it has occurred to me that maybe Lady Goggs isn't doing anything that special. I mean, think about it, didn't the fembots in Austin Powers have boob-blasting abilities around ten years ago? And I'm pretty sure that this chick I grew up with once showed up to school wearing a meat helmet. Not to mention, both of them wore much more practical footwear.

Lady Gogger's concert was actually filled with stuff we've all seen before: she groped male dancers (Madonna), wore ridiculous outfits (Craig Sager) and blabbed about the fact that no one believed in her or thought she'd ever make it to Madison Square Gards (every goddamn success story in this world). What the freak is she complaining about? She should be thanking the non-believers for motivating her to be uber-successful. I grew up with way too much stinking positive reinforcement; people always telling me I was special and how great it was that I was in the clean plate club, and look where it got me! To a stinking blog blog that has less Twitter followers than Jesse Feddderman!

When you have a blog called TV My Wife Watches, sometimes you have to put up a picture of Craig Sager to better explain your jokes.

The entire night Goggles blabbed about how earlier in her career music executives and drama teachers told her that she'd never make it in the entertainment biz. They said she was too ethnic looking and could never play a leading role. Her motivation and rebuttal was, "Really? Well look at Liza! (Minelli)" who was actually in the audience along with Goggber's other hero, Marisa Tomei (who apparently was told the same thing early on in her career). But what has Liza Minelli ever done since The Muppets Take Manhattan? Is she even relevant? And I'm pretty sure that Marisa Tomei has only been in two movies: My Cousin Vinny and The Wrestler. Granted, that's two more movies than I've been in, but has Marisa Tomei ever recorded a podcast? Let alone THREE OF THEM?!?!

This is ethic looking? Also, I don't have a foot fetish - I don't know what you're talking about!

When Professor Gogglesberg wasn't complaining about her lack of support, she was constantly ordering her Little Monsters to dance. At one point, she even screamed, "DANCE MOTHERF**KERS!" which got her fans VERY excited. I for one have had enough of this trend of rockstars telling me what to do at concerts. "Put your hands here, waive them around like this, when I say this, you say this ... this, THIS, this, THIS!"

For the record, I actually like that one. In fact, there are times in our day-to-day lives when I'll scream downstairs to my wife something like, "When I say egg, you say salad ... EGG ..." and then I'll hear her little voice holler from the kitchen, "SALAD!"

But back to whatever the hell I was talking about; Goggy was ordering her fans to dance, but they had NO ROOM to move. They were packed into MSG like lobsters at Seafood Shanty and couldn't even put their hands in the air if they were asked to (they weren't believe it or not, but they were told by Lady Goggers that she believed in every one of them, especially the gay guys, which made me almost lobster claw myself in the throat).

This is what I meant about lobsters at Seafood Shanty.

And why is Seafood Shanty SO EXCITED to sell Coca-Cola?

Personally, when I wanna dance, I need A LOT of room, almost half a dance floor to properly execute all of my moves; you know, leg-whips, two-handed points, the occasional flip-kick. If Lady Grogger told me to dance, I woulda been all, "Umm, sure, as long as you move around 3,000 of these people cramping my style and GIVE ME SOME SPACE, cause I'm about to go Andrew Bynum up in this mug!"

Also (and I understand that I'm doing A LOT of complaining here, but c'mon, I've been forced to watch some pretty crappy television over the last eight months, it's about time I went bezerker), isn't it a little patronizing for Lady Antegaggum to call her fans Little Monsters? Can't they just be Monsters? Why they gotta be "little"? Are they less than her? I mean, they are, but does she have to call them that? How 'bout Gaga's Goblins? And yes, I realize that Gaga's Goblins is a TERRIBLE nickname, but I'm just trying to make a point here and I'm VERY thirsty.

So if Lady Snooze-a-lot isn't doing anything special, WHO IS? If I can't be entertained by a woman who literally shoots bazooka-bombs out of her tators, then how can I be entertained?

A-ha!

Well ladies and gentlemen (aka ladies and the one guy who's reading this because he googled "Lady Gaga Tit-Tornado"), allow me to introduce you to Lady.

Lady keeps her fireworks elsewhere.

Not Lady Gaga. Not Lady Antebellum. Not the Lady Vols or Ladybird Johnson or the crazy Norwegian lady who I saw doing kung-fu kicks at a bus-stop this morning. Just Lady.

Check out Lady in her hit video, "Pussy be Yankin." The video has 233 likes and 223 DISLIKES!


Lady - Pussy be Yankin - 2011 found on R&B

Now, I didn't even know that "yankin" was a word; in fact, I think the last person who used a derivative of yankin was Long Duck Dong, "no more yanky my wanky." I also didn't know that a pussy could actually yank, or that it was something to even brag about! But I do know that we have NEVER seen an artist like Lady. EVER.

Yeah, yeah, we've seen Khia, we've seen Lil Kim and we've seen Jane Fonda, but even they are not NEARLY as yankin as Lady.

I can only imagine what one of Lady's concerts is like. I just know that if I'm ever privileged enough to go to one, I'm definitely bringing a snorkel.


TVMWW is totally on Twitter. Join the revoloosh. 

The Grammys: I Now Understand What "Rock 'N Roll Hoochie Koo" Means

Please be the next Bachelorette, please be the next Bachelorette!

My car's radio is stuck on FM, literally unable to flip over to AM stations, because when my mechanic installed my new radiator, he broke my stereo system. It's a real drag because I like to listen to sportstalk, but it's also great for tonight's Grammy post because I totally know who Bruno Mars is. I also know Drake, Nicki Minaj and the words to almost every Rhianna song because she is awesome. For the record, even if my car's radio worked properly I would still know these artists because I spent the last four years teaching middle school I'm an absolute loser. I also like anything by Ludacris including that jawn , "How low can you go?" that he made with Alvin and the Chipmunks. 

So as I settled in to watch the Grammys tonight, I decided to keep a running time-line of the night's event.

Here it is:

5:58 - All right, as I plop down on the couch with my laptop, two hours before showtime, I have a few questions about what this night will entail: How many times will we hear the word Bieber? And just how swoopy will his hair be? I went to Wegmans this weekend and counted Beebs on the cover of thirteen different magazines and I'm not kidding. Also, Wegmans is absolutely bonkers ... I'm also very curious as to what Lady Gaga will wear. And why do I get the feeling that it will somehow include a live fetus? ... Is Arcade Fire good? ... What is Lady Antebellum? ... How long will I be able to sit here with this ridiculously hot computer on my thighs? ... This laptop is seriously BOILING and my legs are sweating so much. Something needs to be done. Gimme a sec.

6:03 - Okay, now I've got a pillow in between my laptop and my thighs and I'm having a hard time balancing my computer on the mushy pillow. This is very challenging. I also just put on E!'s Live From the Red Carpet pregame show and recognize that it's time to change the name of this blog from "TV My Wife Watches" to "Okay, I Admit It, This Is TV that I Watch."

Beebs, just moments before his bonkers handshake / hug with Seacrest.

6:04 - While my wife hops in the shower, Lady Goggs is spotted by Ryan Seacrest and it seems as if she's being carried around in a giant shell. Also, the dudes that are carrying her are wearing gold underwear (and nothing else). I knew this was going to be a great night! (even if I do get testicular cancer from this laptop).

6:15 - Nicki Minaj shows up in a giant leopard print / Lady Frankenstein outfit that makes me all the more thankful that my AM radio is broken. Nicki Minaj is INSANE and sports talk radio is BORING.

6:31 - Lady Gaga arrives in her giant embryonic egg and her agent? hair stylist? Zumba instructor? tells Seacrest that she "won't be born until her performance." She then proceeds to use the word "incubating" four times in the next minute. No, make that five. Meanwhile, Lady Goggs is in the background waving from her gigantic egg. Are we sure this isn't a David Blaine stunt? After Seacrest attempts to put the microphone up to Gogger's egg to ask her a question, Goggy presses her hand up to the egg's surface and AS-I'M-TYPING THIS, I'm realizing that this paragraph needs to end, now.

6:45 - My buddy Law shows up at my house to pick up his keys that he left in my car last night and after I invite him and his wife in to watch, he tells me that he thinks the Grammys are kinda dumb. His wife, Chicken, then asks if I saw Gaga's egg and we both freak out because The Gogger totally came out in a giant egg! Realizing that this blog blog post could break the 40,000 word mark, I'm calling a mandatory time-out considering it's only 45 minutes into the pregame show and this night is ALREADY BONKERS!!!

Been there, done that Gaga!

7:15 - Okay, it is IMPOSSIBLE not to blog about this, because Ricky Martin just showed up in metallic silver tight tight tight pants! (I mean, tight, like, tighter than Russell Brand's pants tight.) Okay, I'm going back in time out. They're seriously so tight though!

7:16 - Wait a minute, my wife just looked over my shoulder and read that last line and said that she had those same exact silver pants in high school. TIME OUT MEANS TIME OUT, EV. Be back at 8:00.

7:36 - After Seacrest asks Russell Brand how he got to LA Fitness so quickly after hosting SNL last night, Russell tells him about the Orville brothers' new invention of a flying train. Minutes later, we have our first Bieber sighting of the evening. Beebs is dressed in an all-white tux and gives Seacrest one of those handshake / high five / back patting / hug type greetings. After the interview, Beebles flashes a peace sign to the camera. Peace Bieber! 

Also, I've recently started following Carolina Panthers' linebacker, Dan Connor (@DanConnor55) on Twitter and he is a VERY funny dude. Here was his post from Friday, the night Bieber's new movie opened. 

Quick question. If I go to the Justin Bieber movie alone tonight, will I have to register as a sex offender before or after the movie starts?

8:02 - And we're off! The show opens with a dedication to Aretha Franklin with Christina Ags and four or five other people that I've never heard of singing "Natural Woman." Christina Ags is freaking out and is the early front runner for the person who most needs to calm the hell down. We're two minutes in and this night is already out of control. I hate the Grammys.

8:15 - Okay, this sentence was just spoken in my living room by a real, live human (my wife), "Gwyneth Paltrow is performing tonight with Cee Lo Green and the Muppets." I love the Grammys!

They couldn't tell Rowlf about this photo shoot? That's messed up.

8:20 - First award of the evening: Best something by a Pop Duo or Group. Glee is nominated. Oh God, please don't let them win. Hmmmm, Train is also nominated, for their song "Hey Soul Sister." We actually like that song!! Now I feel badly about making fun of them on The Bachelor. And holy smokes, they won! The lead singer just thanked Bieber for not being in a duo or group and that's kinda funny! I like these guys! I'm gonna break the record for exclamation points tonight!

8:22 - And here's Ricky Martin in his tight tight silver pants introducing Lady Goggs. This is going to be very dramatic.

Wawa-weewa. The Gogger's shoulders are OUTRAGEOUS as are THE HORNS ON HER HEAD. She just broke out of her embryo and is singing a song called "Born this way." Clearly this will become a gay anthem, which is nice for gay people, but I honestly think Ricky's tight pants are doing more for the gay community. Lady Goggs ends her act by giving "the claw" a la Iron Mike Sharpe.

Blame Canada.

8:32 - CBS runs a commercial for a future episode of CSI that guest stars Bieber. I may have to watch my first ever episode of CSI. Some lady named Miranda Lambert follows up by singing a song about love, or death or something, I dunno. I doubt she can even spell CSI. I can't wait for those Muppets.

8:39 - Lenny Kravitz introduces a performance by Muse leading my wife to say she loves Muse and me to ask who Muse are. Then they start playing some song and I realize that I love Muse too, but just didn't know who Muse was until I heard them singing their Muse song. One guy has a silvery sparkly jacket and another dude has a double neck guitar. Ummmmmm, I'm pretty sure there's guys running around bashing stuff and one of them just got taken away by security. It might've been staged though. I don't know what's going on, but Rock 'N Roll is totally awesome. It's a shame they produce this stupid show and invite people like Miranda Lambert. Turns out those guys bashing stuff were totally staged. I hate Rock 'N Roll and I can't believe how hot my legs are.

8:49 - A guy named B.O.B. is wearing a monocle.

8:50 - B.O.B. has dropped his monocle.

8:51 - I just googled how to properly spell "monocle" and SO MANY people were tweeting about said monocle. I'd write more jokes about monocles and Mr. Peanut or how I'm totally gonna start calling B.O.B. "Bob," but talking about monocles was SO one minute ago. Mr. Peanut is timeless though. So is anyone named Bob.

Everybody in the background of this picture has their hands covered by their sleeves. Is it really that cold there? And if so, why aren't they wearing heavier jackets?

8:58 - A couple white guys come out to present an award and my wife asks if that's Train again. They're presenting the award for female country vocal and that Miranda Lambert lady wins. That's nice for her.

9:05 - It's Bieber time. They start by showing an old clip of him and Usher, who apparently is his mentor. Beebs starts off playing an acoustic guitar while a bunch of thirtyish looking women watch him longingly. One of them may or may not be Miranda Lambert. Okay, the guitar is gone now, that lasted about as long as Bob's monocle. And now there are drumming ninjas on stage.

9:09 - Oh God, Will Smith's son has joined Beebles and he's wearing leopard print pants. This is embarrassing. When did Will Smith become dumb? I mean, I know he's been dumb for a while now, but it's so disappointing, especially because he's originally from Philly. Beanie Sigel would never let his offspring do this.

9:10 - And here's Usher, wearing pants that are really saggy in the crotch which my wife tells me are called "drop crotch pants." I ask her if that's really a thing and she tells me to google it. I do so and find out it IS a thing, but NO ONE is currently tweeting about it.

9:14 - Muse wins the award for Best Rock Album, beating out Neil Young, the first actual respected musician I've seen tonight. Then, some lady's voice announces to "Stay tuned for Barbara Streisand," further proving that I have absolutely no idea what's going on right now.

9:21 - Donnie Wahlbergh???? The inventor of drop crotch pants presents for Best Pop Vocal Album and Lady Gaga beats out Justin Beeblestein and someone else. Oh God, she's definitely gonna talk about her "little monsters."

And she does, giving an over-exaggerated speech where she claims to have channeled her inner Whitney Houston. I gotta say it, I gotta say it (even if it means my wife will desert me), I AM OVER LADY GOGGS! I get it, she's uber uber strange (which is cool) and does some bonkers stuff, but I can't take it when she talks! It's hard to say that any lady who wears fake shoulders and horns on her head takes herself too seriously, but she takes herself way too seriously. I'm putting her in time-out! 

9:25 - Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers and Bob Dylan!!!! An awesome triumvirate even though I'm not quite sure who Mumford and Sons and the Avett Brothers are. I do know I like them though and the dude who's currently singing looks like Tim Tebow. I google image the Avett Brothers to see which group Tim Tebow is in and totally can't tell.

I do know that Bob Dylan looks like exactly like Vincent Price these days and wonder why he's singing "Maggie's Farm." I mean, he could've chosen any song to sing. Not that I don't like "Maggie's Farm," I do, but I guess he's got revolution on his mind after this whole Egypt thing. The next eight minutes happen to be the only eight minutes where my wife and I didn't do anything but watch.

9:33 - Text message from Law saying that Bob Dylan shouldn't sing anymore. I disagree! It's just a different sound! That guy can do anything and I'd be okay with it, including getting the Bieber-Swoop hairstyle or collaborating with The Fresh Prince.

Tebow?

9:40 - Clay Matthews? A little under-dressed. He and the girl from Glee introduce Lady Antebellum leading me to now know who Lady Antebellum is (not just a lady)!  I realize I actually like them and that one song they sing about love or death or I dunno, portobellums. Oooooh, they're singing it! "It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need portabellums now!"

9:46 - Jamie Foxx presents Cee-Loo and Gwyneth and THE MUPPETS!!

I WONDER WHAT MUPPETS WE'LL SEE!!!

HOLY GUACAMOLE!!! ... Cee Lo is wearing an absolutely bonkers Mummers-esque outfit and WHO ARE THESE MUPPETS?!?!? Where's the Muppet band? With Animal on drums and Rowlf on piano and that lady with the blonde braids and Asian eyes? I don't even think these are actual Muppets!!! ... THESE ARE LOOK-ALIKE SABRA MUPPETS!!! but that's definitely Gwyneth and that's definitely her cleave, err, chest cavity. Um, Gwyneth is now dancing on a piano.

This picture does not do this outfit justice.

9:57 - We have a Katy Perry sighting! And her breasts are looking bong-bong-tastic! In fact, those bongers single-handedly (or double-handedly) make her infinitely more attractive than Gwyneth. I mean, Gwyneth is pretty, but Katy Perry's bong-a-longas just take her to a whole new level. Also that video for "Teenage Dream" is total porno.

10:02 - Hey, Norah Jones is still alive! She's singing "Jolene" by Dolly Parton while they flash pictures behind her of a young Dolly who looked exactly like Emily from The Bachelor. Norah and John Mayer present the award for Song of the Year and John Mayer looks really drugged out. Good for him.

10:13 - Seth Rogan tells a joke about getting high with Miley Cyrus back stage, which probably secretly makes Miley so happy. He introduces a song by Eminem, Rhianna and Dr. Dre that is sure to be friggin' awesome. 

10:16 - I apologize for using the term "friggin' awesome," but this is friggin' awesome. My wife somehow missed the whole Eminem craze of the last decade so her eyes are bulging out of her skull. I mean, she didn't MISS it, but never reallllly paid attention to the guy. Look, I hate white people, but I still acknowledge that he's the best of all time. He makes me want to rob a bank. 

10:21 - Best New Artist, which is actually a great category with some artists that I like: Beebs, Drake, Mumford and Sons and Florence and the Machine ... and who wins?. ... Esperanza Spalding! who apparently is a woman. My wife likes "her little spoofle sparfles" in her dress. Beebs looks distraught. Drake looks calm as isht.

Kim Kardash won an award for best kneecap. YOU CAN'T DENY IT!

10:34 - 10:50 - Mick Jagger and Barbara Streisand perform (not together). Mick runs around in tight pants (the least surprising occurrence of the evening) and proves that he's still a boss. Barbara just stands there and sings a song that's definitely about love and proves that she too is a boss (in the eyes of every Jewish woman over the age of sixty and one blogger who may or may not currently be growing his hair out in order to rock a Bieber.) 

10:51 - Nominees for Best Rap Album:  Drake, Eminem, Jay-Z, The Roots and Bob. Eminem wins and looks REALLY skinny, not as skinny as Mick Jaggs, but skinny enough to realize he was totally on steroids a few years ago. 

10:59 - Rhianna and Drake give us the moment of the evening (and maybe the greatest moment of my life) as Nanna moves her nanna in a way that I didn't know any woman could (with the exception of Barbara Streisand.) I mean, she seriously gyrated her hips and twatteral area in a corkscrew manner that would make any man's Bieber's head explode. She gets my award for best twat.

Look closely in the background, that's Chris Brown setting his balls on fire.

11:03 - Record of the Year goes to Lady Antebellum which just seems strange considering I just saw a woman grind her va-jay-jay in a way that I've never seen a woman do (since Yentl).

11:22 - Album of the Year: Barbara tells us the nominees are: Arcade Fire, Eminem, Lady Antebellum, Lady Goggs and Katy Perry ... and the winner is ... Arcade Fire? Wow, they seem almost as suprised as we do. Then again, I think my wife might be asleep. Also, it's totally past Bieber's bedtime.

Before I sign off, one last award to the Most Bonkers Moment of the Night. The nominees are: Gaga's embryo, Cee Lo's mummers outfit, the fact that he MADE HIS OWN Muppets, Rhianna's ability to unscrew a Mountain Dew bottle with her yim-yim, and Lady Antebellum and Arcade Fire winning awards that totally should've gone to black people.

And the winner is ...............

Bieber and Seacrest's handshake / hug combo!

Wow! And they weren't even nominated!

Nor was that moment even THAT bonkers, but it was still bonkers enough to win Most Bonkers Moment of the Night as the young Bieber and maturing Seacrest managed to make a routine handshake greeting that's been performed numerous times by white people to look difficult. Congrats Beebcrest!

Otis Day and the Knights, take us outta here with Gramma Lamma Ding Dong! ... audio only, but still awesome.

TV My Wife Weezies now on Facebook and Twitter. Join the revoloosh.

Stuff I Watch: OK Go - This Too Shall Pass Music Video

Considering this has over 18,000 views on YouTube, I'm not exactly breaking a story like Adam Shefter here, but I figured I'd post OK Go's latest music video because it is AMAZING!

I also posted that old OK Go video on the treadmills below... and no, I don't really know who OK Go is, but maybe I should.   

Stuff I Watch: Nardwuar The Human Serviette

Nardwuar and Drake: Tougher Than Leather

My buddy Law recently turned me onto Nardwuar, a quirky and eccentric (read: dorky) disc-jockey from Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.



Nardwuar has gained popularity for his deeply researched and original interviews with major stars in the music world. His modus operandi is to blow the stars' minds throughout the interviews by presenting them with obscure vinyl records or little known facts that have in some way influenced their lives and/or music.

Best Buds.

Most artists spend their entire interviews in absolute awe, mouths wide open and laughing hysterically as to how Nardwuar has dug up his material. Drake constantly repeats, "This is amazing!" as Nardwuar shows him an old album made by his uncle, Larry Graham. When interviewing Matisyahu, Nardwuar recites rap lyrics by Stan Ipcus, a little known (but dope) rapper and friend of Matisyahu's (Stan Ip also happens to be a graduate of my alma mater, the University of Murrrland). Both Drake and Matisyahu spend their entire interviews with beaming smiles on their faces, a clear indication of how much they appreciate Nardwuar's originality.



I linked below to Nardwuar's interviews with Drake, Matisyahu and Snoop Dogg, who Nardwuar has interviewed a host of times over the past ten years and has built up an endearing friendship with (kind of like Of Mice and Men or Shaq and Nate Robinson). For the record, my wife also thoroughly enjoyed these interviews, but then again I think she also has a crush on both Snoop and Matisyahu.