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| Just a fire-blasting tit, that's all. |
After seeing this print ad with fireworks shooting out of Lady Gaga's boobs, my wife and I quickly realized that we had to watch her Monster Ball concert Saturday night on HBO. I mean, I love fireworks, I love boob-blasters and even though I'm not a huge fan of Lady Goggs's music, it's clear that anything can happen when she's on stage. The lady is a loose cannon, capable of both dancing with a horse or stabbing it in the face; she's completely unpredictable, like a young Regis Philbin.
However, now a mere 48 hours after watching her concert (which was MEE-DEE-OH-CURR by the way), it has occurred to me that maybe Lady Goggs isn't doing anything that special. I mean, think about it, didn't the fembots in Austin Powers have boob-blasting abilities around ten years ago? And I'm pretty sure that this chick I grew up with once showed up to school wearing a meat helmet. Not to mention, both of them wore much more practical footwear.
Lady Gogger's concert was actually filled with stuff we've all seen before: she groped male dancers (Madonna), wore ridiculous outfits (Craig Sager) and blabbed about the fact that no one believed in her or thought she'd ever make it to Madison Square Gards (every goddamn success story in this world). What the freak is she complaining about? She should be thanking the non-believers for motivating her to be uber-successful. I grew up with way too much stinking positive reinforcement; people always telling me I was special and how great it was that I was in the clean plate club, and look where it got me! To a stinking blog blog that has less Twitter followers than Jesse Feddderman!
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| When you have a blog called TV My Wife Watches, sometimes you have to put up a picture of Craig Sager to better explain your jokes. |
The entire night Goggles blabbed about how earlier in her career music executives and drama teachers told her that she'd never make it in the entertainment biz. They said she was too ethnic looking and could never play a leading role. Her motivation and rebuttal was, "Really? Well look at Liza! (Minelli)" who was actually in the audience along with Goggber's other hero, Marisa Tomei (who apparently was told the same thing early on in her career). But what has Liza Minelli ever done since The Muppets Take Manhattan? Is she even relevant? And I'm pretty sure that Marisa Tomei has only been in two movies: My Cousin Vinny and The Wrestler. Granted, that's two more movies than I've been in, but has Marisa Tomei ever recorded a podcast? Let alone THREE OF THEM?!?!
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| This is ethic looking? Also, I don't have a foot fetish - I don't know what you're talking about! |
When Professor Gogglesberg wasn't complaining about her lack of support, she was constantly ordering her Little Monsters to dance. At one point, she even screamed, "DANCE MOTHERF**KERS!" which got her fans VERY excited. I for one have had enough of this trend of rockstars telling me what to do at concerts. "Put your hands here, waive them around like this, when I say this, you say this ... this, THIS, this, THIS!"
For the record, I actually like that one. In fact, there are times in our day-to-day lives when I'll scream downstairs to my wife something like, "When I say egg, you say salad ... EGG ..." and then I'll hear her little voice holler from the kitchen, "SALAD!"
But back to whatever the hell I was talking about; Goggy was ordering her fans to dance, but they had NO ROOM to move. They were packed into MSG like lobsters at Seafood Shanty and couldn't even put their hands in the air if they were asked to (they weren't believe it or not, but they were told by Lady Goggers that she believed in every one of them, especially the gay guys, which made me almost lobster claw myself in the throat).
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| This is what I meant about lobsters at Seafood Shanty. |
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| And why is Seafood Shanty SO EXCITED to sell Coca-Cola? |
Personally, when I wanna dance, I need A LOT of room, almost half a dance floor to properly execute all of my moves; you know, leg-whips, two-handed points, the occasional flip-kick. If Lady Grogger told me to dance, I woulda been all, "Umm, sure, as long as you move around 3,000 of these people cramping my style and GIVE ME SOME SPACE, cause I'm about to go Andrew Bynum up in this mug!"
Also (and I understand that I'm doing A LOT of complaining here, but c'mon, I've been forced to watch some pretty crappy television over the last eight months, it's about time I went bezerker), isn't it a little patronizing for Lady Antegaggum to call her fans Little Monsters? Can't they just be Monsters? Why they gotta be "little"? Are they less than her? I mean, they are, but does she have to call them that? How 'bout Gaga's Goblins? And yes, I realize that Gaga's Goblins is a TERRIBLE nickname, but I'm just trying to make a point here and I'm VERY thirsty.
So if Lady Snooze-a-lot isn't doing anything special, WHO IS? If I can't be entertained by a woman who literally shoots bazooka-bombs out of her tators, then how can I be entertained?
A-ha!
Well ladies and gentlemen (aka ladies and the one guy who's reading this because he googled "Lady Gaga Tit-Tornado"), allow me to introduce you to Lady.
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| Lady keeps her fireworks elsewhere. |
Not Lady Gaga. Not Lady Antebellum. Not the Lady Vols or Ladybird Johnson or the crazy Norwegian lady who I saw doing kung-fu kicks at a bus-stop this morning. Just Lady.
Check out Lady in her hit video, "Pussy be Yankin." The video has 233 likes and 223 DISLIKES!
Lady - Pussy be Yankin - 2011 found on R&B
Now, I didn't even know that "yankin" was a word; in fact, I think the last person who used a derivative of yankin was Long Duck Dong, "no more yanky my wanky." I also didn't know that a pussy could actually yank, or that it was something to even brag about! But I do know that we have NEVER seen an artist like Lady. EVER.
Yeah, yeah, we've seen Khia, we've seen Lil Kim and we've seen Jane Fonda, but even they are not NEARLY as yankin as Lady.
I can only imagine what one of Lady's concerts is like. I just know that if I'm ever privileged enough to go to one, I'm definitely bringing a snorkel.
TVMWW is totally on Twitter. Join the revoloosh.
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