The Bachelorette: Be Careful Where You Bathe Ashley!

We may have found Rosie Larson's killer.

Let me make something clear: I love my wife very much (especially the fact that she baked cookies last night for the season premiere of The Bachelorette). But if I were to ever kill her, I would DEFINITELY place her dead body in our bathtub and tell the police that she had a "seizure" while bathing. It's the obvious move. Now I'm not saying that this guy West is a murderer, I'm just saying that I am very skeptical of white people in general, especially white people who jog with their shirts off. And also Comcast employees. And I also don't trust women who bake cookies on random Monday nights and then force me to eat 28 of them. What is this lady up to?!?!

Last night's Bachelorette debut had everything you'd want in a season opener: a homicidal maniac, a butcher, a drunk guy, a guy with a mask, a moderately attractive woman, a couple gay guys, the greatest impressionist since Rich Little, did I mention there was a guy wearing a mask?!?! And not even a good mask! It didn't even cover up his entire face! We could still totally tell whether or not he was good looking! And he was average looking!

Just wearing a mask. Not that big of a deal. It's like glasses, but a mask. A leather mask. 

Here is an exclusive transcript from ABC that shows the actual conversation last night between Ashley and the guy who thought it'd be a good idea to wear a mask on a television show.

Mask Guy:  Yeah, I'm wearing this mask because I want people to understand that there's more to love than what's on the outside.

Ashley:  Yeah, totally. You know I can pretty much see your entire face, right? The mask doesn't really cover you that well.

Mask Guy:  But can you see my heart?

Ashley:  Well, no, but I can totally see your whole bone structure. I mean, I can't see your eyebrows and cheeks, but I can still tell what you look like.

Mask Guy:  So you can see my confidence.

Ashley:  I can pretty much make out your entire head. Like I said, not really sure what your cheeks look like, but I can imagine. Why didn't you wear a bigger mask?

Mask Guy:  I tried, but the other masks were way too warm. Even this one is hot. My cheeks are sweating so much. You know this is actual leather? Like, full-grain horse leather. I have no idea why I chose to wear a leather mask. Can you see how much I'm sweating?

Ashley:  Yeah, do you wanna just borrow my snorkel? I brought a snorkel with me this season so I could give underwater HJs.

Mask Guy:  Could I?

Ashley:  Yeah, I actually have around seven of 'em.

This guy woulda been mysterious ... DOUBLE DEVIL HORNS!

As ridiculous as the Mask Guy was, the corniest and most pathetic line of the night was from Lucas, the dude from Texas, when he asked Ashley,

"Can I give you a hug? I'm a hugger. I'm from Texas."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!

"What can I say? I'm an eskimo kisser. I'm from Ohio."

The other introductions were fairly tame as far as embarrassing Bachelorette introductions go, but a few that I thought were the clammiest were:

- The guy who spoke French
- The guy who recited a poem
- Frank, the guy who had months to prepare his first impression and still decided to go with "The Wink"

There were also quite a bit of look-alikes in this year's crop. Such as:

Stephen the Hairdresser

They call this the "schwee-schwoop" hairstyle.

and Sasha Vujacic

Anyone know the Serbian word for "flutterballs?"

Mickey (who also kinda looks like Tom Hanks)

Yeah, my parents named me Mickey. It's awesome. 

and Marcel from Top Chef

I own several leather masks.

And even though he looks nothing like him, I can't hear the name Constantine without thinking of former University of Miami basketball player, and strangest looking man of all-time, Constantin Popa.

This picture does not do this Romanian string bean justice.

Other quick thoughts:

- Last night's driveway was the wettest driveway in the history of The Bach. I can't imagine how soaked the bottom of Ashley's dress was the entire night. Whenever I get dressed, I make sure to not walk back into the bathroom after I put my socks on for fear of having damp socks all day. And I also get scared that maybe there'll be a dead woman in my bathtub.

- Did anyone notice the only black dude on the entire episode? Answer revealed at the end (which is like, five sentences from now. Nice job, Ev. Almost as suspenseful as The Killing).

- The lone scene where Ashley actually looked LEGITIMATELY HOT was during the opening montage when she was writhing around on the Kimmel Center dance stage. I kind of wish she was wearing a leather mask.

That's about it for week one. Please know that I'm going to be putting it all out there this season, no regrets. I'm in the blog game for the right reasons. I'm gonna let my heart lead the way. No regrets. All out there. Right reasons. No regrets.

Then again, I didn't even discuss the drunk guy, the cellphone salesman or Bentley (aka Doctor Douchenstein). I guess maybe I won't be putting it all out there.

And the only black dude in the entire episode wasssssssss .........

...

...

...

THE LIMO DRIVER!!

C'MON ABC!!!

And how did I not write about Ames?!?! That guy was unbelievable!

And the butcher!

C'mon, that's a REALLY wet driveway.

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Or look at this picture of 21 yr old Charles Barkley eating a pizza.