The Bachelorette: the Most Boring Trip to Vegas Since My Folks Took Me To See Barbra Streisand When I Was 15

Coco?

This past weekend my step-grandmother-in-law told me,

"Evan, it may be the two glasses of wine talking, but I think I like you."

So in honor of this backhanded compliment? insult? drunken blabbering? let's take a look at some of the most memorable quotes from last night's episode of The Bachelorette.

Also, for the record, my grandmother-in-law pretty much looks and acts exactly like a young George Foreman.

Makes total sense for George Forms to be at the Nick Jr. awards.

"I'm looking for someone who's serious." - Ashley

Then look no further than Mask Guy! the most serious human being on the planet! Has this guy cracked one joke yet? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love his shtick, and DESPERATELY want him to win this thing, but can he at least acknowledge that the mask thing is kinda funny? I keep waiting for him to say something during a confessional like, "I know this mask thing is silly, but I'm trying to prove a point here, so just go with it. Also, I'm in the mask business," but it hasn't happened.

Even more fascinating is the fact that the other guys hate him SO MUCH for wearing that mask. It's like they're forced to live with Charles Manson, or Alex Trebek, or that guy from the movie Mask who's face seriously looked like a mask and should've gotten an Academy Award for "Best Actor in a Movie Where I Seriously Couldn't Look at the Dude Because His Face Seriously Looked Like a Mask and Masks are Scary."

You're not fooling anyone, Stoltzy!

"We're eating dinner in front of the famous Bellagio Fountains!" - Ashley again

Whoa whoa whoa and whoa. The famous Bellagio Fountains? Famous? Let's calm down a second here, Ash. I'd call the Trevi Fountain famous, and I'd even call the fountain in Philadelphia's Love Park infamous, for the astonishing urine to water ratio, but the Bellagio? Famous? I had never even heard of it until last night.

And this is coming from a guy who REALLY likes fountains. Or any type of moving water, really. I've been known to stare at flowing water for hours. Waterfalls, babbling brooks, creeks, sinks; I will stare at a sink all night. Bring me a sink right now, I will seriously stare at it. I will also drink from it. I love drinking from sinks. Hoses too. I also love drinking from glasses. I just love drinking. All liquids really. Not coconut water though for some reason. Unless it came out of a hose. Yep, this is by far the dumbest paragraph I've ever written.

That being said, LIFE magazine lists the Bellagio Fountain as one of the 15 most famous, fabulous fountains in the world. I will take a piss on LIFE magazine.

Every time, and I mean EVERY time I drink Strawberry Milk, I get a belly ache.

"Is that M.C. Hammer?" - My next door neighbor, Bridgette, after walking in during the middle of the Jabbawockeez's choreography. 

Just two quick things to say about the Jabbawockeez:

1. I don't think they're that good of dancers. I mean, they do some nice jumps and spins and jack-knifes, but I wasn't that impressed! I'm much more impressed by some of the homeless dudes down at Love Park. Also,

2. Those masks are REALLY scary!

"We freaking had so much fun." - Some White Dude after performing with the Jabbawockeez.

Probably the all-time whitest phrase ever said.

"I don't think she's in it for the right reasons." - my friend, Pat, after Ashley mentioned how good-looking all the dudes were over and over again.

I agree!

I think Ashley is in this just to be admired, to be fought over, and for the free trips to countries that no human being would ever actually go to. I think she thinks she's there to find a husband, but if that was the case, would she really have given a rose to a guy with a mask?!?!

And what is she doing holding hands with EVERYONE? And when did hand-holding become a first-date activity? I think hand-holding is very intimate, and when I was single, I wouldn't hold a chick's hand in public until around year seven. To this day, I have never held my wife's hand. In fact, when we walk down the street together, I make sure to walk behind her, single-file, while playing the Darth Vader theme. She does NOT find this amusing.

This looks normal.

And on top of that:

"Why doesn't Ashley give open mouth kisses?!?! OMG! You can't tell what kind of kisser a person is if you don't go open mouth! You CANNOT leave a thing like that to chance!" - My Wife, after noticing that Ashley only gives closed-mouth kisses.

Two years ago, my wife noticed that Bachelorette Aly also only gave closed-mouth kisses, and went on to mention this every time she kissed someone, which was A LOT. I imagine that once it gets down to the nitty gritty, Ashley will start sucking on some tongues, but for now, my wife is just going to have to get her thrills from Game of Thrones. I, of course, will get mine from pouring water all over my wife's breasts. 

"Wow." - Mickey, after seeing the view from Ashley's room at the Bellagio.

Without a doubt the most boring and disappointing date in the history of the Bachelorette. Some guys get to go bungee jumping, some guys go to Thailand, Mickey got to sit and chat with some lady while looking at a city famous for Ecstasy, a non-piss-accessible fountain, and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

This blog blog has officially become erotica.

And what a snooze their date was! Topped off by Ashley suggesting they flip a coin to decide Mickey's fate. If I were Mickey Dolenz (and I'm not, I assure you, I am NOT Mickey Dolenz), and some lady suggested we flip a coin to decide my reality dating future, I woulda stormed outta that room and been like, "What?!?! Flip a coin for me?!?! Oh heyyylllll no. I'm outta this joint. But not before I piss out this window and into that fountain. By the way, can you hold onto me while I piss out this window? This is TERRIFYING and I am on Ecstasy."

"That's what I'm talking 'bout." - J.P., who instantaneously went from my favorite to my least favorite by rubbing his rose in the faces of every other dude. 

J.P., you gotta just do what the other dudes do when they get a rose: say "excuse me," and then push the guys out of the way. Still, I guess his reaction was better than beauty pageant runner-ups, who are not fooling anyone with their bullisht celebrations.

"My eyeballs are bleeding." - Me, after writing this post. 

And yet, I'm now going to spend three hours researching the G.L.O.W. girls on You Tube. How hot was the Farmer's Daughter?!?!

I remember her being hotter!

Are you following TVMWW on Twitter? 
Me neither!