The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Part One - Hellllooooo Gorga!

This is a real person!

"I have seen the future of reality TV and its name is Joe Gorga."

That's what I tweeted last night after watching the Real Housewives of New Jerz season premiere, only to wake up this morning and realize that his name is actually Joe Borga. Then I did some fact-checking on a website called Boogle and saw that his name is actually Gorga (not Borga) which changes absolutely nothing other than the future search results for the entire Borga family when they Boogle themselves.

If you didn't understand that last paragraph, it doesn't matter; what does matter is that Joe Gorga introduced himself to the world last night in such a way that few people have ever matched.

He ...

- threw a violent temper tantrum
- bashed a table
- fought his brother-in-law
- cursed out his sister
- massaged his wife's feet
- nuzzled her toes
- weeped
- weeped in Italian
- made me scream, "THIS SHOW IS F**KING INSANE" a record 37 times during one 90 minute program

Sheindlin, huh?

As far as table-bashes go, it was a pretty good one. The anger and force with which he bashed said table was really impressive. Exacerbating the impact was the sudden CLANG of the silverware and glasses when Joe bashed. Also, was it me or did it look like he actually bashed the table with his wife's hand?! It was like her fist was a gavel and his name was Judge Jorga. And yes, "exacerbate" is the one SAT word that I actually bothered to learn (although I'm not entirely sure if I used it correctly).

I liked the moment when Rich (ohhhhh, Rich, we'll get to Rich later) stopped Joe and was like, "Dude, you're scaring your children," which was the biggest understatement since my mother said the same thing to my father when he vowed to become the first person to successfully drink coffee with a fork.

My brother and I still reminisce about the ridiculous things my father did growing up, like:

"Hey, remember the time Dad came downstairs in just his tightie whities and all of our friends saw his balls?"

or

"Hey, remember when we lost Dad at that folk festival and then found him six hours later in that barn asleep with a horse?"

Those are fun stories. The kind of stories that end with one of us going, "Yeah, that was amazing."

That horse is SO ASLEEP!

What memories will the Gorga kids have of their father? Oy yoy yoy, those kids are gonna be like,

"Hey, remember that time when Dad slammed Mom's fist into a table and then told Aunt Teresa to 'go f**k herself' and then tried to fight Uncle Joe and then weeped in Italian while telling Grandpa that he loved him and that he just wanted Grandpa to be proud of him? And he was drooling and sweating everywhere? And he left you alone crying in the corner? And then you wet your bed for the next eight years?" ... "Yeah, that was awesome. I actually still wet the bed so thanks for bringing that up, it's gonna be awesome trying to fall asleep tonight."

Clearly Joe Gorga is fighting some serious demons and was hurt in the past by his sister or father or steroid provider. To be quite honest, I actually feel really bad for him and Teresa and their entire family, but then again, I really enjoyed watching him weep last night, especially in Italian, which adds SO MUCH DRAMA to your standard, thirty-something male weeping.

Even more mind-blowing than witnessing Gorgy have a mental breakdown (or "Tuesday night" as he calls them) was watching him nuzzling his wife's toes; which was probably the single strangest / grossest / most erotic moment on television since Joe Millionaire rode in on his horse (not his horse).

Still haven't even mentioned this lady!!

More to come in part two later, where I'll take a look at Rich and his unbelievable image, Ashley (quite possibly the worst reality personality since Stuart Scott) and Melissa Gorga's love affair with Jesus.


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