The Grammys: I Now Understand What "Rock 'N Roll Hoochie Koo" Means

Please be the next Bachelorette, please be the next Bachelorette!

My car's radio is stuck on FM, literally unable to flip over to AM stations, because when my mechanic installed my new radiator, he broke my stereo system. It's a real drag because I like to listen to sportstalk, but it's also great for tonight's Grammy post because I totally know who Bruno Mars is. I also know Drake, Nicki Minaj and the words to almost every Rhianna song because she is awesome. For the record, even if my car's radio worked properly I would still know these artists because I spent the last four years teaching middle school I'm an absolute loser. I also like anything by Ludacris including that jawn , "How low can you go?" that he made with Alvin and the Chipmunks. 

So as I settled in to watch the Grammys tonight, I decided to keep a running time-line of the night's event.

Here it is:

5:58 - All right, as I plop down on the couch with my laptop, two hours before showtime, I have a few questions about what this night will entail: How many times will we hear the word Bieber? And just how swoopy will his hair be? I went to Wegmans this weekend and counted Beebs on the cover of thirteen different magazines and I'm not kidding. Also, Wegmans is absolutely bonkers ... I'm also very curious as to what Lady Gaga will wear. And why do I get the feeling that it will somehow include a live fetus? ... Is Arcade Fire good? ... What is Lady Antebellum? ... How long will I be able to sit here with this ridiculously hot computer on my thighs? ... This laptop is seriously BOILING and my legs are sweating so much. Something needs to be done. Gimme a sec.

6:03 - Okay, now I've got a pillow in between my laptop and my thighs and I'm having a hard time balancing my computer on the mushy pillow. This is very challenging. I also just put on E!'s Live From the Red Carpet pregame show and recognize that it's time to change the name of this blog from "TV My Wife Watches" to "Okay, I Admit It, This Is TV that I Watch."

Beebs, just moments before his bonkers handshake / hug with Seacrest.

6:04 - While my wife hops in the shower, Lady Goggs is spotted by Ryan Seacrest and it seems as if she's being carried around in a giant shell. Also, the dudes that are carrying her are wearing gold underwear (and nothing else). I knew this was going to be a great night! (even if I do get testicular cancer from this laptop).

6:15 - Nicki Minaj shows up in a giant leopard print / Lady Frankenstein outfit that makes me all the more thankful that my AM radio is broken. Nicki Minaj is INSANE and sports talk radio is BORING.

6:31 - Lady Gaga arrives in her giant embryonic egg and her agent? hair stylist? Zumba instructor? tells Seacrest that she "won't be born until her performance." She then proceeds to use the word "incubating" four times in the next minute. No, make that five. Meanwhile, Lady Goggs is in the background waving from her gigantic egg. Are we sure this isn't a David Blaine stunt? After Seacrest attempts to put the microphone up to Gogger's egg to ask her a question, Goggy presses her hand up to the egg's surface and AS-I'M-TYPING THIS, I'm realizing that this paragraph needs to end, now.

6:45 - My buddy Law shows up at my house to pick up his keys that he left in my car last night and after I invite him and his wife in to watch, he tells me that he thinks the Grammys are kinda dumb. His wife, Chicken, then asks if I saw Gaga's egg and we both freak out because The Gogger totally came out in a giant egg! Realizing that this blog blog post could break the 40,000 word mark, I'm calling a mandatory time-out considering it's only 45 minutes into the pregame show and this night is ALREADY BONKERS!!!

Been there, done that Gaga!

7:15 - Okay, it is IMPOSSIBLE not to blog about this, because Ricky Martin just showed up in metallic silver tight tight tight pants! (I mean, tight, like, tighter than Russell Brand's pants tight.) Okay, I'm going back in time out. They're seriously so tight though!

7:16 - Wait a minute, my wife just looked over my shoulder and read that last line and said that she had those same exact silver pants in high school. TIME OUT MEANS TIME OUT, EV. Be back at 8:00.

7:36 - After Seacrest asks Russell Brand how he got to LA Fitness so quickly after hosting SNL last night, Russell tells him about the Orville brothers' new invention of a flying train. Minutes later, we have our first Bieber sighting of the evening. Beebs is dressed in an all-white tux and gives Seacrest one of those handshake / high five / back patting / hug type greetings. After the interview, Beebles flashes a peace sign to the camera. Peace Bieber! 

Also, I've recently started following Carolina Panthers' linebacker, Dan Connor (@DanConnor55) on Twitter and he is a VERY funny dude. Here was his post from Friday, the night Bieber's new movie opened. 

Quick question. If I go to the Justin Bieber movie alone tonight, will I have to register as a sex offender before or after the movie starts?

8:02 - And we're off! The show opens with a dedication to Aretha Franklin with Christina Ags and four or five other people that I've never heard of singing "Natural Woman." Christina Ags is freaking out and is the early front runner for the person who most needs to calm the hell down. We're two minutes in and this night is already out of control. I hate the Grammys.

8:15 - Okay, this sentence was just spoken in my living room by a real, live human (my wife), "Gwyneth Paltrow is performing tonight with Cee Lo Green and the Muppets." I love the Grammys!

They couldn't tell Rowlf about this photo shoot? That's messed up.

8:20 - First award of the evening: Best something by a Pop Duo or Group. Glee is nominated. Oh God, please don't let them win. Hmmmm, Train is also nominated, for their song "Hey Soul Sister." We actually like that song!! Now I feel badly about making fun of them on The Bachelor. And holy smokes, they won! The lead singer just thanked Bieber for not being in a duo or group and that's kinda funny! I like these guys! I'm gonna break the record for exclamation points tonight!

8:22 - And here's Ricky Martin in his tight tight silver pants introducing Lady Goggs. This is going to be very dramatic.

Wawa-weewa. The Gogger's shoulders are OUTRAGEOUS as are THE HORNS ON HER HEAD. She just broke out of her embryo and is singing a song called "Born this way." Clearly this will become a gay anthem, which is nice for gay people, but I honestly think Ricky's tight pants are doing more for the gay community. Lady Goggs ends her act by giving "the claw" a la Iron Mike Sharpe.

Blame Canada.

8:32 - CBS runs a commercial for a future episode of CSI that guest stars Bieber. I may have to watch my first ever episode of CSI. Some lady named Miranda Lambert follows up by singing a song about love, or death or something, I dunno. I doubt she can even spell CSI. I can't wait for those Muppets.

8:39 - Lenny Kravitz introduces a performance by Muse leading my wife to say she loves Muse and me to ask who Muse are. Then they start playing some song and I realize that I love Muse too, but just didn't know who Muse was until I heard them singing their Muse song. One guy has a silvery sparkly jacket and another dude has a double neck guitar. Ummmmmm, I'm pretty sure there's guys running around bashing stuff and one of them just got taken away by security. It might've been staged though. I don't know what's going on, but Rock 'N Roll is totally awesome. It's a shame they produce this stupid show and invite people like Miranda Lambert. Turns out those guys bashing stuff were totally staged. I hate Rock 'N Roll and I can't believe how hot my legs are.

8:49 - A guy named B.O.B. is wearing a monocle.

8:50 - B.O.B. has dropped his monocle.

8:51 - I just googled how to properly spell "monocle" and SO MANY people were tweeting about said monocle. I'd write more jokes about monocles and Mr. Peanut or how I'm totally gonna start calling B.O.B. "Bob," but talking about monocles was SO one minute ago. Mr. Peanut is timeless though. So is anyone named Bob.

Everybody in the background of this picture has their hands covered by their sleeves. Is it really that cold there? And if so, why aren't they wearing heavier jackets?

8:58 - A couple white guys come out to present an award and my wife asks if that's Train again. They're presenting the award for female country vocal and that Miranda Lambert lady wins. That's nice for her.

9:05 - It's Bieber time. They start by showing an old clip of him and Usher, who apparently is his mentor. Beebs starts off playing an acoustic guitar while a bunch of thirtyish looking women watch him longingly. One of them may or may not be Miranda Lambert. Okay, the guitar is gone now, that lasted about as long as Bob's monocle. And now there are drumming ninjas on stage.

9:09 - Oh God, Will Smith's son has joined Beebles and he's wearing leopard print pants. This is embarrassing. When did Will Smith become dumb? I mean, I know he's been dumb for a while now, but it's so disappointing, especially because he's originally from Philly. Beanie Sigel would never let his offspring do this.

9:10 - And here's Usher, wearing pants that are really saggy in the crotch which my wife tells me are called "drop crotch pants." I ask her if that's really a thing and she tells me to google it. I do so and find out it IS a thing, but NO ONE is currently tweeting about it.

9:14 - Muse wins the award for Best Rock Album, beating out Neil Young, the first actual respected musician I've seen tonight. Then, some lady's voice announces to "Stay tuned for Barbara Streisand," further proving that I have absolutely no idea what's going on right now.

9:21 - Donnie Wahlbergh???? The inventor of drop crotch pants presents for Best Pop Vocal Album and Lady Gaga beats out Justin Beeblestein and someone else. Oh God, she's definitely gonna talk about her "little monsters."

And she does, giving an over-exaggerated speech where she claims to have channeled her inner Whitney Houston. I gotta say it, I gotta say it (even if it means my wife will desert me), I AM OVER LADY GOGGS! I get it, she's uber uber strange (which is cool) and does some bonkers stuff, but I can't take it when she talks! It's hard to say that any lady who wears fake shoulders and horns on her head takes herself too seriously, but she takes herself way too seriously. I'm putting her in time-out! 

9:25 - Mumford and Sons, The Avett Brothers and Bob Dylan!!!! An awesome triumvirate even though I'm not quite sure who Mumford and Sons and the Avett Brothers are. I do know I like them though and the dude who's currently singing looks like Tim Tebow. I google image the Avett Brothers to see which group Tim Tebow is in and totally can't tell.

I do know that Bob Dylan looks like exactly like Vincent Price these days and wonder why he's singing "Maggie's Farm." I mean, he could've chosen any song to sing. Not that I don't like "Maggie's Farm," I do, but I guess he's got revolution on his mind after this whole Egypt thing. The next eight minutes happen to be the only eight minutes where my wife and I didn't do anything but watch.

9:33 - Text message from Law saying that Bob Dylan shouldn't sing anymore. I disagree! It's just a different sound! That guy can do anything and I'd be okay with it, including getting the Bieber-Swoop hairstyle or collaborating with The Fresh Prince.

Tebow?

9:40 - Clay Matthews? A little under-dressed. He and the girl from Glee introduce Lady Antebellum leading me to now know who Lady Antebellum is (not just a lady)!  I realize I actually like them and that one song they sing about love or death or I dunno, portobellums. Oooooh, they're singing it! "It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need portabellums now!"

9:46 - Jamie Foxx presents Cee-Loo and Gwyneth and THE MUPPETS!!

I WONDER WHAT MUPPETS WE'LL SEE!!!

HOLY GUACAMOLE!!! ... Cee Lo is wearing an absolutely bonkers Mummers-esque outfit and WHO ARE THESE MUPPETS?!?!? Where's the Muppet band? With Animal on drums and Rowlf on piano and that lady with the blonde braids and Asian eyes? I don't even think these are actual Muppets!!! ... THESE ARE LOOK-ALIKE SABRA MUPPETS!!! but that's definitely Gwyneth and that's definitely her cleave, err, chest cavity. Um, Gwyneth is now dancing on a piano.

This picture does not do this outfit justice.

9:57 - We have a Katy Perry sighting! And her breasts are looking bong-bong-tastic! In fact, those bongers single-handedly (or double-handedly) make her infinitely more attractive than Gwyneth. I mean, Gwyneth is pretty, but Katy Perry's bong-a-longas just take her to a whole new level. Also that video for "Teenage Dream" is total porno.

10:02 - Hey, Norah Jones is still alive! She's singing "Jolene" by Dolly Parton while they flash pictures behind her of a young Dolly who looked exactly like Emily from The Bachelor. Norah and John Mayer present the award for Song of the Year and John Mayer looks really drugged out. Good for him.

10:13 - Seth Rogan tells a joke about getting high with Miley Cyrus back stage, which probably secretly makes Miley so happy. He introduces a song by Eminem, Rhianna and Dr. Dre that is sure to be friggin' awesome. 

10:16 - I apologize for using the term "friggin' awesome," but this is friggin' awesome. My wife somehow missed the whole Eminem craze of the last decade so her eyes are bulging out of her skull. I mean, she didn't MISS it, but never reallllly paid attention to the guy. Look, I hate white people, but I still acknowledge that he's the best of all time. He makes me want to rob a bank. 

10:21 - Best New Artist, which is actually a great category with some artists that I like: Beebs, Drake, Mumford and Sons and Florence and the Machine ... and who wins?. ... Esperanza Spalding! who apparently is a woman. My wife likes "her little spoofle sparfles" in her dress. Beebs looks distraught. Drake looks calm as isht.

Kim Kardash won an award for best kneecap. YOU CAN'T DENY IT!

10:34 - 10:50 - Mick Jagger and Barbara Streisand perform (not together). Mick runs around in tight pants (the least surprising occurrence of the evening) and proves that he's still a boss. Barbara just stands there and sings a song that's definitely about love and proves that she too is a boss (in the eyes of every Jewish woman over the age of sixty and one blogger who may or may not currently be growing his hair out in order to rock a Bieber.) 

10:51 - Nominees for Best Rap Album:  Drake, Eminem, Jay-Z, The Roots and Bob. Eminem wins and looks REALLY skinny, not as skinny as Mick Jaggs, but skinny enough to realize he was totally on steroids a few years ago. 

10:59 - Rhianna and Drake give us the moment of the evening (and maybe the greatest moment of my life) as Nanna moves her nanna in a way that I didn't know any woman could (with the exception of Barbara Streisand.) I mean, she seriously gyrated her hips and twatteral area in a corkscrew manner that would make any man's Bieber's head explode. She gets my award for best twat.

Look closely in the background, that's Chris Brown setting his balls on fire.

11:03 - Record of the Year goes to Lady Antebellum which just seems strange considering I just saw a woman grind her va-jay-jay in a way that I've never seen a woman do (since Yentl).

11:22 - Album of the Year: Barbara tells us the nominees are: Arcade Fire, Eminem, Lady Antebellum, Lady Goggs and Katy Perry ... and the winner is ... Arcade Fire? Wow, they seem almost as suprised as we do. Then again, I think my wife might be asleep. Also, it's totally past Bieber's bedtime.

Before I sign off, one last award to the Most Bonkers Moment of the Night. The nominees are: Gaga's embryo, Cee Lo's mummers outfit, the fact that he MADE HIS OWN Muppets, Rhianna's ability to unscrew a Mountain Dew bottle with her yim-yim, and Lady Antebellum and Arcade Fire winning awards that totally should've gone to black people.

And the winner is ...............

Bieber and Seacrest's handshake / hug combo!

Wow! And they weren't even nominated!

Nor was that moment even THAT bonkers, but it was still bonkers enough to win Most Bonkers Moment of the Night as the young Bieber and maturing Seacrest managed to make a routine handshake greeting that's been performed numerous times by white people to look difficult. Congrats Beebcrest!

Otis Day and the Knights, take us outta here with Gramma Lamma Ding Dong! ... audio only, but still awesome.

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