The Bachelor: Possibly Headed To Cinemax Late Night Very Shortly

"Britt, stop making that face. You have no chance to be my wife!"

So much to discuss following this week's episode of The Bach, including "the dreaded two on one date" (direct quote from Chris Harrison), a woman comparing her petty problems to those of a single mom's who lost her fiance in a PLANE CRASH, and quite possibly the most erotic moment in the history of Western civilization.

Clearly, let's start with the erotica.

It happened quickly and may not have been noticeable by anyone who's not an absolute pervert, but during the scene where Chantal and Shawntel (I mean, that's already erotic!) were curled up on the bed, barefoot and chatting, my head almost exploded. I honestly have no idea what they were talking about, nor could I tell you what was going on around me, but I do know that no Cinemax program, Hustler magazine or Shania Twain album cover could compare with what the American Broadcasting Company put on TV last night. The Chawntels were just laying there talking. So innocent. No socks. So primal! I'm so thirsty.

Imagine a woman named "Shanawntel."

Moving on, during "the dreaded two on one date," we heard this gem from Brad, "I am a HUGE Cirque du Soleil fan." Now, I've never seen Cirque du Soleil and I imagine it's fantastic, but what does it take to be a "HUGE Cirque du Soleil fan"? Does Brad post on Cirque du Soleil message boards? Does Brad plan vacations around Cirque du Soleil performances? Does Brad study the ancient French Canadian art of being able to jam your foot into your neck? Does ANYONE have last night's episode of The Bach taped on DVR so that I can come over to relive that Chantal-Shawntel scene? I'll bring scones!

Some other quick observations / thoughts:

- During the opening scene, the mansion's driveway was BONE DRY. My wife seems to think that it's only A SLIPPERY HOSED DOWN DEATH TRAP in the evening.

- My wife also seems certain that The Bachelor (the show, not the person) has a manicurist on staff for the ladies.

- The Bach (the person, not the erotic television program) has really set himself up for a struggle after consistently reinforcing the ladies' negative behavior. If a chick cries, he runs to her. If she freaks out, he buys her a cake. If she lies barefoot in bed with another girl, just chatting, JUST INNOCENTLY CHATTING, he knows nothing about it and can't reward their innocent eroticism!!! Brad, pick both of them! Please Brad, recognize their innocence! Good God please pick both of them!!!! PLEASE BRADLEY PICKELSIMER!!! YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!! THERE WERE NO SOCKS TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE!!!

Christian Bale thanks God that he doesn't look like this dude.

- I also counted the amount of "thank yous" Brad dished out last night. After realizing that he LOVES to thank people, I set the over-under at ten. Well, Mr. Pickels got eleven. Here they are:

1. Thanked the owner of the Aria Hotel upon his arrival.
2. Thanked the room service waiter guy for a glass of champagne.
3. Thanked Shawntel for accepting his rose on their one-on-one'r.
4. Thanked Michelle for kissing him after their one-on-one time during their grouper.
5. Thanked Ashley the Dentist (not actually a dentist) for "solidifying (his) journey." No idea what that meant.
6. Thanked everybody collectively for attending the cocktail party.
7. Thanked that dumb lady who gave him those dumb notes as a last, desperate, dumb attempt to get a rose.
8 - 11. Thanked Michelle, Britt, Jackie and Chantal for accepting his rose.

- Did anyone notice the INCREDIBLE performance by an actor in a supporting role as The Bag Mover Guy strolled in to take away little Ashley's bags? He looked at the one bag (ooohhhhh, will he take that one?) and then the other (oh no, he's definitely taking hers!) and then back to the first bag (what the?) and then, WHAM, see ya later little Ashley! Is it too late to take away Christian Bale's SAG award? How many takes do you think that took him?

"Uhhhh Larry, can we try that one again? We actually want you to walk in, look at the one bag, then the other, then take away the pink bag. The pink one. That says Ashley."

"All right, but they both say 'Ashley.'"

"I understand that, so just grab the pink one."

"So just grab the pink one? Don't look at the one, then the other?"

"No, no, no, still do the look off, but make sure you grab the pink one."

"Are you guys sure you want me to do this? Cause I'm just a bag guy ..." 

Assistant Producer steps in, puts his arm around Larry. 

"Larr, you'll be fine. You're gonna do great. Listen, there's a reason why we chose you to do this instead of Carl. You think Carl could do this? Just stroll on in there like you're a bag guy, do the look off and we'll get what we need. One take baby, one take."

"All right, are we eating lunch soon?"

"Yes Larry, for the 37th time, lunch is on it's way."

"Okay good."

- Shawntel's shopping spree was probably exciting for her. In fact, I like any kind of spree or frenzy on television. Supermarket Sweep? That show was amazing. So was the old Wheel of Fortune segment when the contestants got to buy stuff on the prize podium and do quick arithmetic after each round. Once every few months I go on sort of a crazy spending spree in Whole Foods' cheese section. It's absolutely exhilarating. And yet, I never seem to use my cheese dome, cheese board or cheese knives that I got for getting engaged. That's unfortunate. I truly apologize to the Leibs, Steinbergs and Greenwalds.

Why are those two people so distracted? What is over on the left? A barefoot woman?

- The most ridiculous moment of the show was blurted out by the lady with the broad shoulders. No idea what her name is, Alli maybe? Okay, maybe I do have an idea what her name is. Oh, her name's Alli. I know her name. I'm not fooling anyone. Anyway, Alli was frustrated that Emily was getting so much attention from Brad on their grouper that she barked out, "We all have problems!" Okay, that is true Alli, we do all have problems, some more than others, but I'm pretty sure that you didn't have to drive a Nascar vehicle on the same racetrack where your DEAD FUTURE HUSBAND (who died in a PLANE CRASH) once wrecked his car racing on the same track. Now granted, I'm sure Alli has some MAJOR problems, like being unable to recognize PERSPECTIVE or the fact that she's on a RIDICULOUS TELEVISION SHOW, but simmah down'nah!

- Lastly, Michelle the weathered faced NBA All Star banging lunatic is actually starting to grow on me. Not in a way that I want her to win or would want to be with her, but she is ridiculously entertaining and used the ancient French-Canadian art of seduction last night on Mr. Pickels to perfection. I've mentioned before that my buddy Law legitimately likes her, driving his wife Chicken insane. Well, Chicken texted me last night: "If Law says, 'Chick, she's funny!' one more time, I'm divorcing him."

My buddy Law, the next Bach?

He definitely noticed the erotica.

He definitely, definitely did.

Also, there really is something in this world called a "cheese dome." It's amazing. I've used it once. It's honestly so small.