The Bachelor Finale: Hard to Watch (Except When Chantal Was In That Wetsuit)

Not pictured: Chantal with one of those sticks jammed through her heart.

There are few things in this world more difficult to watch than The Bachelor letting go of the final bachelorette. One of those things happens to be watching ninth grade girls basketball. If you've never seen a ninth grade girls hoops game, it is PAINFUL to witness. The girls just plod up and down the court, constantly traveling and occasionally shooting the ball OVER the basket. This past winter, I coached ninth grade boys basketball and almost gauged my eyeballs out every Tuesday and Thursday when I was forced to sit through the girls' snoozefests. It was similar to watching a date with Emily and Brad. But if I had to choose between watching Perkiomen Valley and Cinnaminson or seeing Chantal get her heart ripped out on national television, I'd go with the latter.

Poor Chantal though, with her Lewinsky lips and double barreled vuvuzelas, having to stand there and listen to Pickelsimer's ramblings about how he loved another. I wanted to jump through my television and give her a big hug (and then take advantage of her vulnerability and blow on said vuvuzelas. Can you imagine the sound they'd make?!?!). Luckily for Chantal, she quickly landed on her feet and most likely blew the mind of some South African rugby player on her way outta the country.

Clang.

It was a roller-coaster ride of emotions for both Chantal and Pickelsimer, who started the show off by completely losing his shit when he was reunited with his family. They responded by hugging him and supporting him. Now I know that myself and The Bach have VERY little in common, but our families are even less alike. This is what an encounter with my family would've been like if we were reunited in South Africa. 

Me:  Heyyyyyy guys. Great to see you! 

Dad:  Hey Ev! 

Brother:  Hey Evster! 

Mom:  Ugh, you look fat. 

Me:  Thanks Mom. 

Dad:  He doesn't look fat. 

Mom:  Yes he does. And bald. 

Brother:  He's been bald. 

Mom:  You seriously don't think he looks fat? 

Dad:  Fat, skinny, who cares? Yeah, I think he looks fat, but I don't tell him.

Brother:  You definitely look balder than before.

Dad:  He's not balder than before! He's fatter.

Mom:  My Evy had the brightest, reddest hair as a kid.

Brother:  Well now he's fat.

Mom:  Also, when he was a baby, he constantly shit himself.  

Dad:  Still does. 

Mom:  Remember that time he shit himself in Hebrew school? 

Me:  Yeah. 

Brother:  No!

Mom:  Well, he and Joshua Lipshutz were ...

Dad:  Ev, you still shit yourself, right? Have you been shitting yourself here in Africa?

Me:  No, I haven't been shitting myself.

Dad:  I shit myself on the way here.

Mom:  Would you two stop talking about shitting yourselves so I can tell a story about Ev shitting himself?

My mom would then tell a story that partially had to do with me shitting myself, but mostly had to do with her friend Nancy's daughter and her husband who's going to pharmacy school. 

It doesn't matter how long you look, you won't find it.

Brad's family came complete with Mom, brother Wes and twin brother CHAD! Yep, Brad and Chad. Real names. Real people. Most mind boggling to me was the fact that when the three brothers sat down to talk, Chad sat Indian style. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm 33 years old and CANNOT sit Indian style. In fact, whenever I play board games or do stuff on the floor, I constantly have to switch positions like I'm playing Twister. One second I'm sitting with my legs out, then I'm doing planks. Then I'm on my knees. Then I'm going Tony Pena style. Very similar to Chantal in the fantasy suite.

Poor Chantal!

So are Brad's brothers still Pickelsimers? Or have they too made the switch? Which leads us to the question of the evening:

Neil Lane, the jeweler who supplied The Bach with his engagement ring, what is his REAL last name?

a) Lipshutz
b) Loewenstern
c) Who are we kidding? It's definitely Lipshutz.

Thanks, Lip.

Chantal gets ready to play Monopoly.

The other question of the evening is: Is Emily a snooze?

This is a tough call. Part of me thinks she's the most perfect Southern Belle and should forever be named Miss West Virginia, but another part of me thinks she might be a snooze! Let's compare her to Chantal.

Chantal is clearly not a snooze, as evidenced by her ability to look sexy while being eaten by a shark and her keen interest in amateur cartography.

Emily has a tattoo on her wrist, bore a child out of wedlock and as I mentioned a moment ago, is from West Virginia and can surely make a mean batch of moonshine. And so, my final verdict is ............................. NO! Emily is not a snooze!

Who knows if Emily and Brad will make it? It sure seems like they've got a rocky road ahead. Pickels admitted to having a violent temper and Emily claims she's incredibly insecure and stubborn. One thing's for sure though, Chantal's new boyfriend is probably loving life. And will most likely be posting nude pictures of her on the internet in no time.

And those will not be hard to look at.

So I'm thinking of taking a paper-mâché class.

Zow-zow.

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Or look at this picture of a polar bear relaxing.

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, Except for Shawntel Who Apparently Doesn't Talk Anymore

Are any of those candles lit? That's a lot of candles.

If any of The Bachelor's female contestants are looking for a career following the show, they should seriously consider becoming professional boner-killers. Nothing deflates boners quite like women crying and last night there were more tears shed and boners demolished than ever before in the history of western civilization. Seriously, what was wrong with those women? I understand that harsh things were said and feelings were hurt, but KEEP IT TOGETHER LADIES!

I have a little tip for the women out there who are hoping to one day land a husband and/or not destroy a man's boner. Are you ready? This is a big one.

Ladies, you're much more attractive when you're not crying.

I know, I know, it happens. Women are emotional and sometimes the flood gates just open up. And you know what? Sometimes men cry too, like when we're watching The English Patient and accidentally miss the end of the Syracuse-Georgetown game. Or when we lop off our arm with a chainsaw. But the key is, we don't unleash the waterworks until after we're hitched. Before I got married, I never cried, ever. Now that I'm spoken for, I cry all the time. Touching story about some dude on American Idol, crying. Hey honey, wanna watch Sling Blade? Crying. Eh, I don't really like my tuna hoagie, wanna go splitsville on that cheesesteak? Crying. I've lost all control over my life. I also have a blog about reality television. And haven't held a remote control in my hands in close to six years. How did this paragraph become about me? Crying.

Does this man look happy?

Along with the meltdowns last night, there was also a great deal of eye-rolling and groaning. And not just normal eye-rolling and groaning, like really exaggerated and exasperated eye-rolling and groaning that you might find in a yoga studio. At one point while Michelle attempted to defend her motives, it sounded like sheep were being slaughtered. My buddy Law has a 93 year-old grandmother named Momoo who makes a noise like, "oohhhhaaawwww" when saying, "ooohhhhhawwww really?" and I coulda sworn she was sitting up on stage last night. For the record, Momoo was also the first female, non-relative of mine to ever kiss me on the lips. She actually still kisses me on the lips whenever I see her. Ooohhhhhawwww.

Poor Michelle, who took the brunt of those eye-rolls and groans as the ladies unleashed a verbal assault on her. Amazingly, she came out looking vulnerable and lonely while her attackers looked sad, spiteful and not nearly as physically attractive as the other women. Apparently Stacey and that other lady are unaware of Ellen's anti-bullying campaign. I think at one point I heard Jackie utter the phrase, "Honestly Michelle, like, not to be whatever, but whatever." My personal favorite moment of the show took place when Stacey and that other lady kept berating Michelle, causing Chris Harrison to go to the ole dog whistle / "cut it out" hand gesture before barking the words, "Like, really?" Law later told me that after watching that segment, he wished that those two chicks would get into a horrible car accident and become severely disfigured.

Before he got his face burnt up, Ralph Fiennes totally nailed Kristen Scott Thomas in a totally hot sex scene.

Truly an unbelievable performance by Harrison who showed time and time again that he is no Ryan Seacrest. While Michelle broke down, he could have very easily given her a shoulder to cry on, but instead chose to just sit there until she got her isht together. Also, when referring to how difficult the experience of being a female contestant on The Bachelor is, he said something to the effect that "you don't know what it's like before you get in ya'lls heels." I can't believe this guy has a job (or the ability to dribble a soccer ball). Did you see those nifty moves during the African school segment? Granted, he was playing against malnourished three-year-olds, but pretty nice step-overs.

The most puzzling segment of the reunion occurred when little Ashley questioned Brad as to why she wouldn't make a good wife. Seemed to me like Brad said she WOULD make a good wife, just not a good wife for him. That sounded fair enough. If I were Brad (which I'm not, because I have ZERO muscles and MUCH more back hair), I would've explained the situation to Ashley like this:

Ashley:  Um, Brad, why wouldn't I make a good wife for you?

Brad:  Because we just don't mesh.

Ashley:  But why?

Brad:  C'mon, do we really have to do this on national television? There's guys with boners out there and ...

Ashley:  I just need to know.

Brad:  Like, really?

Ashley:  Really.

Me:  IT'S BECAUSE YOU WEAR THOSE STUPID SILLY BANDZ BRACELETS!

Ashley:  What? ... Who's this guy?

Me:  My name's Evan, I write a blog. I have no testicles. But those Silly Bandz you wear are f***ing retarded. Get ahold of your life.

Ashley:  Is this true, Brad? Is this why you dumped me?

Brad:  Yes.

Me:  You're 26 years old and you're wearing f***ing Silly Bandz! How can you expect a dude to take you seriously?!?!

Ashley:  But they're just bracelets. I don't understand. It doesn't make me a horrible person.

Me:  Yes it f***ing does! No self-respecting man, or even non-respecting man is going to date a chick who wears those things. I mean, granted, I have my faults too, I actually keep a stuffed animal in my bedroom, but it's Cookie Monster and that dude is a pimp. He eats cookies. And other stuff. I once saw him eat a telephone. Now please pack your knives and go! Auf wiedersehen!

That cookie doesn't stand a chance.

So now it comes down to Emily vs. Chantal and I seriously have no idea who Mr. Pickels will pick. Sometimes I think Emily and her sweet sassy molassy. And other times I think Chantal and her breasts filled with cash. My wife and her friend Bridget have theories of their own, though. I'll explain.

Last night when Brad was introduced, he mentioned that he promised his significant other that he would not get too excited when he saw the other women. My wife (who watches a lot of Law and Order), said that she doesn't see Emily acting that way. That Chantal seems the more jealous of the two and would therefore be more likely to force Brad to rein in his enthusiasm. And so, Brad must have picked Chantal.

But Bridget noticed that Brad used the word "mercy" twice throughout the evening, a VERY southern phrase and possibly an influence from his girlfriend, Emily. And so, he must have picked her. However, my wife rebutted that Brad too is from the south and we haven't heard Emily use the word "mercy" once this entire season.

And so, my wife MUST be right and thus is THE WINNER!!

Congratulations Darrie! You win!

Let's watch the English Patient this weekend and have a good cry! Or go ice skating! Or just sit and talk about our feelings! I love being married!!

Open your mouth Britt.

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Or read this article about yesterday's Barcelona-Arsenal match. That's what I'd do. 

The Bachelor Tonight: Interview With a Vampire (and 17 Other Crazy Mofos)

ZZ Top would be uber-excited for all the legs shown tonight. 

So next week is the season finale of The Bach, but TONIGHT is the "Women Tell All" show or "Behind the Rose" or "Behind the Secret Rose" or "An Evening Without Charlie Sheen," or "A Show That Charlie Rose Would Never Agree To Host." It's the night where they bring back all those crazy women and blab about what went on this past season (underneath the rose petals). Essentially, it's the one night where Chris Harrison actually has to work for a living.

Some people see this as a great opportunity to take a week off from The Bach and say, do something with their lives, but those are also the same people who tonight will probably be watching Bravo. These shows actually have a great track record. Remember, this was the format for when Jason Mez dumped whatsherface in favor of whatshername. And also when Jake announced to the world that he was one day going to choke a bitch. I'm most looking forward to seeing eighteen ladies with REALLY shiny legs, freshly shaved and glistening for the national TV audience.

Most likely, it'll be a snoozefest, with one or two ladies who we don't even remember attempting to steal the spotlight with stories that include way too much giggling. I also don't think Emily nor Chantal will be on. But, there will be eighteen ladies with REALLY shiny legs.

They're honestly so shiny.

The Bachelor: Please Join Me In My Fantasy Suite For Some Good Ole Fashioned Slurpin' and Burpin'

I wonder if Emily showed Brad "The North Carolina Hucklebuck."

Since I started this shitbox of a blog around five months ago, I've had a lot of people come up to me and say, "Wow, Ev, I had no idea you watched so much crap TV," or "Whoa, Evster, your wife really has a permanent clamp on your testicles," or "Ohhhhh, golly, I always knew you were a flaming homosexual, but now I've got literally thousands of words to prove it." But for every thirty-seven people who spit in my face, one or two of them will actually engage me in a conversation about these crap shows, ESPECIALLY The Bachelor, because people REALLY LIKE The Bachelor.

And on the rare occasion that I actually listen to what these people say, I've realized that many folks seem to think that Brad Pickelsimer is really disingenuous, constantly throwing around the same cycle of catch-phrases to the ladies and manipulating them into thinking he's a good man. Saying things like, "I probably shouldn't even tell you how much I like you," or, "No, no, no, it's good that you got bit by a mosquito here in Africa. I'm glad you did, you were just being yourself. Please, please contract malaria. I like malaria. I like you with malaria. I want you to be honest and open discussing your vomiting patterns and uncontrollable diarrhea." Up until now, I've always debated them, backing Mr. Pickels up as a class act, equal parts goofy and chivalrous, sensitive and kind, and with the neck of an Iranian bison. But last night during a conversation with Chantal aka Boobasaurus Rex, I finally saw what Brad's critics have been talking about.

83%, 3%, 14%

It happened while Brad was telling Chantal how much he loved her spontaneity and impulsiveness, her ability to make him feel open and honest. But these were CLEARLY lies. Not that Chantal's not likable, she may in fact be a wonderfully adventurous and uninhibited woman, but that's NOT why Brad likes her. He likes Chantal because she has THE MOST AMAZING CANS EVER and AN ASS THAT I TOTALLY WANT TO EAT A STEAK DINNER OFF.

I mean c'mon, Brad, don't try to dupe us into thinking you actually like her personality. If there's anything to like about Chantal's character, it's the fact that her character comes complete with bucket-loads of money. So just say it, just say it, man. Chicks like to have their ladyparts complimented anyway, so just say, "Look Chantal, or Shann-tell, or Shawn-tall, I dunno, just shut up for a second and listen. Would you just shut up? Thank you. Stop talking. Look, your ass is outrageous. And your titties, your titties, well, let's just say that all I want to do is nuzzle in between them. I just wanna nuzzle. So will you accept this nose? To nuzzle with? Thank you."

Check out Pickelsimer!

Another frustrating element about this season is the fact that there has been VERY little suspense considering EVERYONE knew that Emily was taking this home for Jerome the entire time. If this were Love Connection and they let the audience vote on who we thought Brad should go out with, that jawn woulda been like, "click-click-click-click-click-click-click, 83%!" In fact, I'm a little insulted that the producers even got me to watch the first two months of the show. I know, I know, there have been some great moments along the way; like Michelle punching herself in the face, and getting to meet Shawntel's father's mustache, but reality shows are built on surprises and The Bachelor has come up lame thus far. And I'm not buying the "scenes from the next" where Pickelsimer has a meltdown regarding Emily. This guy is ending up with Emily. There's no doubt. Did you see her in those white jean-shorts and cowboy boots? Did you see how friggin' cute that elephant was when it bent down for her? That elephant wasn't dumb. It knew who was hopping on! Also, how suspenseful was it when Love Connection would do that whole click-click-click thing with the percentages?!?! Chuck Woolery wouldn't disappear for weeks at a time like this Harrison fella. He's a true professional.

Chantal definitely took this dude to The Pleasuredome.

In fact, the biggest surprise of this season was how surprised Ashley was that she was let go last night! Honestly, how was she so shocked? "Wow, Brad, you're really sending me home? I didn't see this coming. I mean, we had a lousy time on our date last night, something's clearly wrong with us, Chantal and Emily are both infinitely prettier than I am, I only got like 3% in that Love Connection thing, but I just can't believe you're getting rid of me! I had such a nice time laying on your rock-hard shoulder last night in the fantasy suite!"

Speaking of fantasy suites, I think they need a new name, because I have ZERO fantasies that involve sleeping in some tree-house and contracting typhoid fever. Here are three names that I propose Chris Harrison uses the next time he breaks out The Bachelor stationary:

1. The Boneyard
2. The Pleasuredome

andddddd

3. The Slurp Shack

Well, that's about it for this week. I'm flirting with the idea of having a live-chat next week during the Scenes Behind The Rose episode or whatever it's called, but I have no idea how to do that and am not sure if the twelve readers who visit this site would even be interested. So if you're interested in a live-chat-a-palooza next week, let me know.

Or just make fun of my testicles. Either one works.

Eric Stratton may have invented the fantasy suite.

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Or just go to ESPN.com. That's probably the better move. 

The Bachelor: "And This Is My Father, Rick ... Yep, That's a Real Mustache"

C'mon, that's a nice bathing suit.

"Never trust a white guy with a mustache. Or a black dude without one." - Cornelius Brown III, my college roommate.

I don't know if Shawntel's father was directly to blame for her departure last night, but you gotta think that the fact that his mustache almost crawled off of his upper lip played some part in Brad's decision to send her home.  It's a shame, because I liked Shawntel; liked that she had a career, liked how relaxed she was and liked how her legs were as smooth as a man's freshly shaved upper lip. Unfortunately though, she has a crazy father who will now lock her up in his basement and make sure she carries out his legacy of making crap commercials in some town that she clearly wants to escape from.

Much better.

Tough to compare Shawntel's father to Chantal's pop and his purple shirt and giant bank account. My wife feels that Mike (that's his name, Mike) should be the next Bachelor. Clearly Chantal was going to last another week considering her parents ARE THE RICHEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD and have more leather Chaises Lounges than Raymour and Flans. Also, Chantal's mom was SO HOT, a VERY important quality when choosing a mother-in-law. I don't understand how she could look so young and so hot. Yeah, I know, I know, her husband wears purple shirts, but Chantal is 28 years old, I'm 33, but my mother is at least 167 years old. Faithful reader Chris Heis says he's now looking forward to the upcoming season of The Real Housewives of Seattle.

Off to Madawaska, Maine, the hometown of Ashley the Dentist (not really a dentist) and the most incredible looking cheese and gravy fries I've ever seen. I applaud Brad for getting knuckle deep in the poutine only hours before meeting Ashley's family, because if I had eaten that slop, I would've spent the next few hours with my ass glued to a toilet. It's essential in moments like those to carry around Imodium, or take a preemptive pill like my buddy Rev does before tailgating. Seriously, Rev pops an Imodium before sporting events, because after drinking and eating stadium food, there are few things worse than having an explosion in a Lincoln Financial Field bathroom stall. One of those things happens to be Rev's insides because after overdosing on anti-diarrhea medicines for the last fifteen years, Rev now has the small intestine of a marmot.

Jeremiah Trotter knows about popping preemptive Imodium.

Ashley's family was INSANE (partially in a good way and partially in an insane way). As they talked in the living room, they all sat ON THE FLOOR, a ridiculous action that only comes from living in Maine. That being said, I totally want to move to Maine now and eat lobster and wear flannel shirts and shop on the honor system and eat cheese and gravy fries and buy stock in Imodium because that stuff is GOLD.

But all of that mishegas was just the appetizer before Emily's main course, as she served up a dish of fresh, golden child. I mean, how could Brad not be smitten? (Besides the fact that Emily comes with a FIVE-YEAR-OLD CHILD who was sired by her DEAD FIANCE who perished in a PLANE CRASH!) I must say though, I was so ridiculously happy when that goddamn butterfly kite got up in the air and brought a smile to that golden child's face. My non-mustached father once took me to a kite flying contest and we spent an hour and a half trying to get our kite in the air before we realized that a) it wasn't windy enough and b) we were in a strip club. Regardless, Brad couldn't have been happier with how his day with Emily and Ricki went, which brought a warm feeling in my heart, not unlike the feeling I get when I chug an entire bottle of Pepto-Bismol every morning.

Just sitting on the couch waiting for Brad to kiss her. And what does he do? ... NOTHING!

So three remain: 

Chantal - the gigantic breasted, ridiculously wealthy, roller-coaster ride of emotions whose mother will soon be appearing on Bravo with Andy Cohen.

Ashley - the bubbly, annoying, way too energetic Ivy League nutjob who has an overall positive attitude and wonderfully lined stomach.

Emily - the sweetheart southern single mom who has absolutely no negative qualities except for the fact that her emotional baggage would take around seventeen hours to pick up at any airport terminal.

Clearly the choice has to be Emily, although Chantal's cash-filled breasts would be tough to turn down.

Ashley has absolutely no shot. She needs to relax.

Who do you want The Bach to choose? Who do you think he'll choose? Who wants to move to Maine with me? Allons-y!

The Bachelor: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Pictures Online

Yeah, just laying on the beach with three hot chicks, not that big of a deal. Oh, and one of them happens to have her elbow on my crotch.

So my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue arrived yesterday but there is NO SPREAD of the women from The Bachelor. HOWEVER, there are pictures of the girls on SI.com.

You can view Chantal's pictures here.
Michelle's here.
And Ashley's here.

Chantal is by far the hottest (and most vulnerable which takes her hotness to a whole new level).

The Bachelor: Just Waiting Patiently for my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue To Arrive ... Not That Big of a Deal, I'm Not Sweating.

Will someone from North Philly please shoot me in the nuts?

So apparently there's a place in this world called Anguilla where mermaids dance and locals prance and people play Dominos allllll day long while listening to Carribean music and ordering Domino's pizza. A place where Coco would be free to have Thong Thursday everyday and where I would get sunburnt in a matter of minutes. A real life Utopia. Anguilla. The same place where I took those six chicks that I was dating that one time and made sure to always wear my bathing suit under my dinner clothes.

I live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the gun murder capitol of the world. A place where if I saw a mermaid walking down the street, I would totally shoot it in the face. A walking fish would be terrifying! I once went snorkeling in Hawaii and I seriously wanted to harpoon some of those motherf***ing fish. They was crowding me, yo!  And trying to eat my pizza!

But there is no reason for any human being to live in Philadelphia. I lived in Boston for five years and eventually found a pretty decent cheesesteak. It's honestly so stupid that I don't live in Anguilla. DID YOU SEE THAT PLACE?!?! I bet they eat fresh fish on a stick!

Get at me frog!

Not to mention, BANKIE BANX. I just looked him up on Wikipeeds and found out that he's been around since 1963 when he BUILT HIS FIRST GUITAR. A little rude of Brad and Shawntel to go for a dip in the middle of his performance.

Brad:  I mean, this Bankie Banx guy is dope and all, but ....

Shawntel:  There's an ocean right there.

Brad:  There's a giant ocean right there! And it'd be silly not to go for a dip. I mean, I've got my bathing suit on underneath these pants.

Shawntel:  I've got mine on too!

Brad:  I don't think Bankie would mind.

Shawntel:  Why would Bankie mind?!?! He's like 90 years old!

Brad:  Let's go make out in the ocean! ... (runs toward ocean)

Shawntel:  I love you what I didn't say anything, I didn't just say I love you after two dates, I love you, I seriously do, don't make me go back to the house with Michelle, she said she was gonna carve me like a fish, can you even carve a fish? Coming!

When I say "boing," you say "boing." "Boing, _____!"

There was all sorts of lawlessness going on last night: ditching Bankie Banx, topless photo shoots, Brad's blatant inability to follow rules (he promised Emily a rose when he wasn't allowed to)! Where was Chris Harrison to regulate? Shouldn't he have stepped in at some point? I mean, seriously, WHERE WAS Chris Harrison? What does he do the entire time he's in Anguilla besides deliver a couple pieces of mail and keep his hair the EXACT same length the entire time?

Producer:  Hey Chris, we're gonna shoot that scene now where you drop off that envelope and say like, four words, okay?

Chris Harrison  (laying back in a lounge chair, eating a fish on a stick and drinking the same green Ecto Cooler drink that the ladies were drinking on their Grouper):  All right, all right, gimme a sec. 

Producer:  Uh, Chris, we need to shoot this scene now. You've been saying that for like, an hour now and we need the natural sunlight.

Chris Harrison:  Shut up! JUST SHUT UP!! Do you see this green drink?!?! You can't get this isht in LA! It's friggin green! I'm finishing this drink. And then I'm going for a dip. I'm in Anguilla! ... F***king dominos and isht. Domino's pizza, yo. Domino's f***ing pizza. I'm Chris Harrison. Domino's pizza (falls asleep, fish on a stick falls and lands on his giant pile of cash).

While Chris basked in the sun, it seemed as if The Bachelor's other employees were also getting drunk as the editors totally butchered the scene where Brad and Emily picnicked on a deserted island. One second Brad and Emily's hair was dry, the next it was dripping wet. Either way, one thing was clear after Brad and Emily's one-on-one, Chantal has HUGE cans. 

Did you see those things?!?! During the Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo shoot (by the way, "DURING THE SI SWIMSUIT PHOTO SHOOT?!?!" WHO DOES THIS SHOW THINK IT IS?!?!), Chantal O proved to definitely be the hottest chick (even though she's also the dumpiest). And I know, I know, she's not dumpy, she's not dumpy! but for this show, with these other VERY thin women, she's a little dumpy. And I like her dumpiness! I like her dumpiness! Actually, she's not even dumpy! Just dumpy next to anorexic people! That's all! Anyway, the scene where the wet sand dripped into her belly button officially rocketed her to level 9, supreme bonkers status. Between sand sloshing over her navel and Rhianna's twat thrusts last night, my head is officially ready to explode (and honey, if you're reading this, I want the remains of my brains to be sloshed over Chantal's midsection if I do in fact die before you this week ... thank you).

Bankie Banx runs on this stuff.

Britt had no chance from the start; partially because she weighs 60 pounds, but mostly because she has no breasts. Those two negatives may be related, but I honestly have no idea how the female form works, nor do I understand how Britt is a food writer.

Gotta admit, even though she is boobless, I felt a little bad for Britt when she was let go and had to return back to the villa to face the other women.

Ashley:  Oh my God, what happened?

Britt:  I'm going home guys, Brad and I just didn't work together.

Michelle:  Oh my God, let me help you get your things.

Chantal:  Oh my God, I can't believe it, are you really going Britt? Oh my God, make sure you pack your blue sandals.

Michelle:  Yeah, and your bathing suit from earlier is still hanging up in the bathroom, I'll go get it for you. Side compartment of your suitcase?

Ashley:  This is really sad. You should eat something. 

Britt:  I'll be okay guys, I'm just really sad right now ...

Michelle:  Got your suit! It's not quite dry, but that's okay, I'll just jam it in your suitcase. And here's your passport. Now, you better get outta here, those lines at the airport can be brutal!

With Britt gone, Ashley getting a rose, Emily promised one and Shawntel being calm, cool, relaxed and not an emotional wreck like the others, the rose ceremony came down to Michelle and Chantal (and her ridiculously incredible taters).

For as big and wonderful as Chantal's breasts are, she needs to have more faith in them. She can't be crying and freaking out all the time. If it wasn't for that red, netted bikini that SOMEHOW hid her nipple, Brad would've sent her home on the spot, but I'm convinced he spent their entire conversation looking for her nip. Where was that thing? That scene was so tantalizing.

Just gonna put my finger on your thigh here. No big deal. How's your blood pressure?

When The Bach finally sent Michelle packing, my wife and I legitimately screamed out "yessssssss!" and then immediately felt badly when they flashed to Michelle looking like a weathered 30 year old single mother who bangs NBA All Stars. Gotta hand it to her for keeping her isht together though and especially for not taking Brad's hand when he walked her out. I've never been dumped on an island paradise while on a reality TV show, but I imagine I wouldn't want my hand held by my dumper either.

I'll tell ya what I do want though:

THAT SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT ISSUE TO ARRIVE ALREADY!!

WHERE IS MY MAILMAN?!?!

I seriously want to shoot him in the face!

DOMINO MOTHERF***ER!!

For now, you can check out Chantal's SI pictures here. 

The Bachelor: Emily Fast Approaching Kim Kardashian / Christina Hendricks Status

Ye Ole Hand on the Thigh ... making men vacuum since 19 ought 6.

And just like that, The Bachelor is down to only six single ladies, one of whom (Chantal) has officially declared her love for Brad and another (Emily) has officially shown off a ridiculous rack. Where did that come from?!?! I mean, I was totally aware that Emily had some breastasists, but her yammers totally snuck up on me last night. She seems to get more and more bonkers every episode. Next week, I'm fully expecting her to reveal that she's also an office manager at Sterling Cooper and endorses Skechers Shape-ups.

The wife and I watched last night's episode with our friend Aubre and our next-door-neighbors, Bridget and Dan. Bridget is probably the nicest human being of all time; the type of person who offers to take your coat and returns seconds later with a plate full of brownies. Dan currently has dreadlocks and happens to be the type of dude who can totally assemble a coat rack. Our coat rack on the other hand always comes crashing to the floor because I didn't secure it well enough to the wall and our guests insist on wearing THE HEAVIEST COATS EVER. This was Dan's first time watching The Bach, which led him to inquire about proper Bachelor etiquette. Could he ask questions? Could he pause the television? Could he PLEASE come over and reattach our coat rack?!?! ... There's honestly nails everywhere! 

We decided that questions are better left until commercial breaks, unless you NEEDED an answer IMMEDIATELY (totally understandable), at which time pausing was acceptable.

This lady could totally make me finish those TPS reports.

It's also always interesting to watch The Bach with a first timer because inevitably a few things will occur:

1. There's always a moment where a Bachelor first-timer will stop paying attention to the show and look around the room at every other person watching and wonder, "How the hell are they so invested in this show? Look at them, they're ALL watching, and SO intently. I could seriously light myself on fire right now and no one would notice. Look at that lady, she's actually mumbling to herself. Who is that lady and what is she doing in my living room? And why am I drinking Fresca?"

2. A first-timer will also always laugh out loud during a moment that is intended to be VERY serious. Veteran Bachelor viewers are conditioned to no longer think this is funny. These moments often occur during a monologue or mental breakdown. Last night, Dan cracked up when Brad revealed that he needed an extra day to consider who he would give a rose to and "needed to follow his heart."

3. At some point of the show, a first timer will need to excuse him or herself from the room to regroup. I did this for the first three years of my Bachelor viewing, but have since embraced it and am now happier in life than I've ever been.

No idea why Jared Jewelers sponsors The Bach and Fresca doesn't.

Onto the show, where we (and loyal reader Rachel Co) quickly noticed that the ages are back! Now we can say things like, "Well of course she's acting like that! She's only 24 and still hasn't mastered the ancient art of the over-the-blanket hand-job!"

Chantal's one-on-one date with Brad was pretty much a snoozefest until their picnic was rained out and Chantal was forced to change out of her wet clothes and into nothing but Brad's shirt (instantly helping out dry cleaning businesses across the country this Tuesday morning). I gotta say though, I didn't think she looked THAT hot. I mean, she looked hot, don't get me wrong, but he should've given her a smaller, more revealing shirt, maybe one of Chris Harrison's.

Quick detour to discuss dry cleaning. Is it me, or are Koreans who own dry cleaning businesses THE NICEST people in the world? My Korean dry cleaning guy is ALWAYS in a good mood and will seriously cater to my every need. I'll drop off some pants on a Tuesday and he'll be like, "All right, Friday afternoon okay?" And I'll say, "Ehhhhh, I was actually hoping to have them in twenty minutes." And he'll respond, "Hmmm, twenty minutes, that's tough, can you give me twenty-five minutes?" and I'll be like, "Fine! But you better get that damn Fresca stain out!"

And another detour regarding picnics. The Bachelor LOVES picnics, loves dining on little blankets in the middle of a meadow or rainforest. When I think of The Bach, I think of him doing one of three things: 1. sticking his tongue down a chick's throat. 2. staring down at a little limp rose before making his decision. 3. unfolding a blanket to sit on. Now I've probably been on three picnics in my life and have never had a good time. You're always sitting at some really strange angle, have to keep one hand on your beverage so that it doesn't spill and there's always bugs everywhere trying to eat your food and/or neck. The only place worse to sit and relax is Applebee's. That place is terrible. 

Versus's attempt at a Bachelorette spin-off: Who Wants To Marry a Fire Marshall?!

Moving on to the grouper (also uneventful) except for the fact that we finally got to see what Brad's tattoo says above that GIANT cross on his back. It says, "PROSAPIA" which is Latin for "family." Michelle also mentioned that "seeing Brad with his shirt off makes a woman want to just go home and _____ herself."  Now, we rewound this scene around three times and couldn't decipher whether or not Michelle said, "touch" or "eff." My wife definitely thought she said "touch" while I was totally totally totally convinced that she said "eff."

And I gotta admit, I GOTTA ADMIT, that I too think Michelle is sort of funny. I don't like her! I certainly don't wanna date her! And I think she's an absolute lunatic, but I do think that she (sort-of) has a decent sense of humor.

Clearly, Brad didn't think Alli had too much going on as he dropped her after their one-on-one date. And was it me, or were they dining on a lilypad in the Degobah System?  

The Degobah system is Yoda's home planet and I realize that having to explain that joke combined with the fact that I actually know where Yoda lives takes my dork-factor to a whole new level, but for the three dorks out there who actually got that joke, I hope you enjoyed it.

After Alli was sent packing (nice job by the Mexican who took her bags by the way), Dan blurted out, "There's still 45 minutes left?!?!" which was quickly rebutted by my wife who shouted out, "There's still 45 minutes left!!!"

The final 45 included Michelle's unsuccessful pop-in and later led to this wonderful exchange from Chantal and Michelle after Brad told Boozer's ex that he did not appreciate her making decisions for him. Asking about their one-on-one time, Chantal asked:

Chantal:  How'd it go?

Michelle:  Great!

Chantal:  You look like you were crying.

Michelle:  I was.

It went great! I just so happened to be CRYING, the natural human reaction to SADNESS, but it went great!

So now that we're down to six lucky ladies, let's break down the final sextet. I've split them up into three tiers:

1. No Shot
2. After Jake Picked Vienna, Anything is Possible
and 
3. The Ladies Who May or May Not Get Proposed To On The Final Ep, But Still Have No Shot Of Having a Sustained Relationship With This Dude.

No Shot

#6 - Ashley The Dentist (not actually a dentist)
positives: Ivy league intelligence; probably was the girl in high school who totally made the rounds with the chess team / dudes in plays.
negatives: Ivy league intelligence brings with it Ivy League annoyances, ENORMOUS forehead, freaks out way too easily.

#5 - Britt
positives: Doesn't say much; totally shoved her tongue down Brad's throat at one point showing she knows how to play ball.
negatives: Horrific sense of style and only got this far because of that one tongue-shoving a few weeks ago.

After Jake Picked Vienna, Anything is Possible

#4 - Michelle
positives: Sort of funny; ripping slut.
negatives: Completely out of her mind; possibly has AIDS.

#3 - Chantal O
positives: Absolutely ridiculous rack; probably knows how to please a man.
negatives: Told a guy she met on a reality show that she LOVED him after two dates; His response? "Thank you."

The Ladies Who May or May Not Get Proposed To On The Final Ep, But Still Have No Shot Of Having a Sustained Relationship With This Dude. 

#2 - Emily
positives: Stunningly beautiful, kind and sweet; has breasts that any insomniac could fall asleep between in a matter of seconds.
negatives: Absolutely none (besides the fact that she carries about as much emotional baggage as any human being could possibly carry).

#1 - Shawntel
positives: Pretty, relaxed funeral director who seems somewhat interesting both in and out of the bedroom.
negatives: Not quite as pretty or relaxed as Emily; introducing people to your wife, "Shawntel" is kind of absurd.

All in all, I think everyone in this world is pulling for Emily, but I'm just not sure she's ready. Chantal on the other hand is more ready than any woman I've ever seen in my life.

CHANTAL IS SERIOUSLY SO READY!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE READY PERSON?

I WENT TO COLLEGE WITH A BUNCH OF REALLY REALLY READY GIRLS WHO WERE SOOO READY AND EVEN THEY WEREN'T AS READY AS CHANTAL!

Can't wait for next week and to once again see Chris Harrison and his signature "glass tap" when it's time for the rose ceremony. He does it so effortlessly! And he brings his own knife to clang with!

What a professional!

The Bachelor: Possibly Headed To Cinemax Late Night Very Shortly

"Britt, stop making that face. You have no chance to be my wife!"

So much to discuss following this week's episode of The Bach, including "the dreaded two on one date" (direct quote from Chris Harrison), a woman comparing her petty problems to those of a single mom's who lost her fiance in a PLANE CRASH, and quite possibly the most erotic moment in the history of Western civilization.

Clearly, let's start with the erotica.

It happened quickly and may not have been noticeable by anyone who's not an absolute pervert, but during the scene where Chantal and Shawntel (I mean, that's already erotic!) were curled up on the bed, barefoot and chatting, my head almost exploded. I honestly have no idea what they were talking about, nor could I tell you what was going on around me, but I do know that no Cinemax program, Hustler magazine or Shania Twain album cover could compare with what the American Broadcasting Company put on TV last night. The Chawntels were just laying there talking. So innocent. No socks. So primal! I'm so thirsty.

Imagine a woman named "Shanawntel."

Moving on, during "the dreaded two on one date," we heard this gem from Brad, "I am a HUGE Cirque du Soleil fan." Now, I've never seen Cirque du Soleil and I imagine it's fantastic, but what does it take to be a "HUGE Cirque du Soleil fan"? Does Brad post on Cirque du Soleil message boards? Does Brad plan vacations around Cirque du Soleil performances? Does Brad study the ancient French Canadian art of being able to jam your foot into your neck? Does ANYONE have last night's episode of The Bach taped on DVR so that I can come over to relive that Chantal-Shawntel scene? I'll bring scones!

Some other quick observations / thoughts:

- During the opening scene, the mansion's driveway was BONE DRY. My wife seems to think that it's only A SLIPPERY HOSED DOWN DEATH TRAP in the evening.

- My wife also seems certain that The Bachelor (the show, not the person) has a manicurist on staff for the ladies.

- The Bach (the person, not the erotic television program) has really set himself up for a struggle after consistently reinforcing the ladies' negative behavior. If a chick cries, he runs to her. If she freaks out, he buys her a cake. If she lies barefoot in bed with another girl, just chatting, JUST INNOCENTLY CHATTING, he knows nothing about it and can't reward their innocent eroticism!!! Brad, pick both of them! Please Brad, recognize their innocence! Good God please pick both of them!!!! PLEASE BRADLEY PICKELSIMER!!! YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME!!! THERE WERE NO SOCKS TO BE FOUND ANYWHERE!!!

Christian Bale thanks God that he doesn't look like this dude.

- I also counted the amount of "thank yous" Brad dished out last night. After realizing that he LOVES to thank people, I set the over-under at ten. Well, Mr. Pickels got eleven. Here they are:

1. Thanked the owner of the Aria Hotel upon his arrival.
2. Thanked the room service waiter guy for a glass of champagne.
3. Thanked Shawntel for accepting his rose on their one-on-one'r.
4. Thanked Michelle for kissing him after their one-on-one time during their grouper.
5. Thanked Ashley the Dentist (not actually a dentist) for "solidifying (his) journey." No idea what that meant.
6. Thanked everybody collectively for attending the cocktail party.
7. Thanked that dumb lady who gave him those dumb notes as a last, desperate, dumb attempt to get a rose.
8 - 11. Thanked Michelle, Britt, Jackie and Chantal for accepting his rose.

- Did anyone notice the INCREDIBLE performance by an actor in a supporting role as The Bag Mover Guy strolled in to take away little Ashley's bags? He looked at the one bag (ooohhhhh, will he take that one?) and then the other (oh no, he's definitely taking hers!) and then back to the first bag (what the?) and then, WHAM, see ya later little Ashley! Is it too late to take away Christian Bale's SAG award? How many takes do you think that took him?

"Uhhhh Larry, can we try that one again? We actually want you to walk in, look at the one bag, then the other, then take away the pink bag. The pink one. That says Ashley."

"All right, but they both say 'Ashley.'"

"I understand that, so just grab the pink one."

"So just grab the pink one? Don't look at the one, then the other?"

"No, no, no, still do the look off, but make sure you grab the pink one."

"Are you guys sure you want me to do this? Cause I'm just a bag guy ..." 

Assistant Producer steps in, puts his arm around Larry. 

"Larr, you'll be fine. You're gonna do great. Listen, there's a reason why we chose you to do this instead of Carl. You think Carl could do this? Just stroll on in there like you're a bag guy, do the look off and we'll get what we need. One take baby, one take."

"All right, are we eating lunch soon?"

"Yes Larry, for the 37th time, lunch is on it's way."

"Okay good."

- Shawntel's shopping spree was probably exciting for her. In fact, I like any kind of spree or frenzy on television. Supermarket Sweep? That show was amazing. So was the old Wheel of Fortune segment when the contestants got to buy stuff on the prize podium and do quick arithmetic after each round. Once every few months I go on sort of a crazy spending spree in Whole Foods' cheese section. It's absolutely exhilarating. And yet, I never seem to use my cheese dome, cheese board or cheese knives that I got for getting engaged. That's unfortunate. I truly apologize to the Leibs, Steinbergs and Greenwalds.

Why are those two people so distracted? What is over on the left? A barefoot woman?

- The most ridiculous moment of the show was blurted out by the lady with the broad shoulders. No idea what her name is, Alli maybe? Okay, maybe I do have an idea what her name is. Oh, her name's Alli. I know her name. I'm not fooling anyone. Anyway, Alli was frustrated that Emily was getting so much attention from Brad on their grouper that she barked out, "We all have problems!" Okay, that is true Alli, we do all have problems, some more than others, but I'm pretty sure that you didn't have to drive a Nascar vehicle on the same racetrack where your DEAD FUTURE HUSBAND (who died in a PLANE CRASH) once wrecked his car racing on the same track. Now granted, I'm sure Alli has some MAJOR problems, like being unable to recognize PERSPECTIVE or the fact that she's on a RIDICULOUS TELEVISION SHOW, but simmah down'nah!

- Lastly, Michelle the weathered faced NBA All Star banging lunatic is actually starting to grow on me. Not in a way that I want her to win or would want to be with her, but she is ridiculously entertaining and used the ancient French-Canadian art of seduction last night on Mr. Pickels to perfection. I've mentioned before that my buddy Law legitimately likes her, driving his wife Chicken insane. Well, Chicken texted me last night: "If Law says, 'Chick, she's funny!' one more time, I'm divorcing him."

My buddy Law, the next Bach?

He definitely noticed the erotica.

He definitely, definitely did.

Also, there really is something in this world called a "cheese dome." It's amazing. I've used it once. It's honestly so small.

Carlos Boozer Totally Railed That Michelle Lady From The Bach ... And I Really, Really Love Cheeseburgers

The Booze Hound looks REALLY HAPPY that this story was leaked.

I mean, this is hardly news at this point considering the story broke four days ago, but people keep telling me that I need to put up shorter blog posts, so here's a quick one about NBA All Star Carlos Boozer totally plowing Michelle, the weathered face lunatic from The Bachelor.

According to Life and Style Magazine (an actual magazine apparently!) Michelle and The Boozeinator had an affair in 2009 while Booze was still married, although Michelle implies that he deceived her into thinking he and his wife were separated, blah blah blah, like that even matters, he's a multi-millionaire athlete with thighs like a friggin' rhinoceros.

For my female readers out there who may not know Boozer, he's essentially an enormous power forward who is Duke educated, originally from Alaska and seriously has thighs like a friggin' rhino. He's a monster (thighs like what, what what) and an old school, lunch-pail type player who likes to barrel his way to the bucket (and as I type this I realize that no women out there know or care what I'm talking about, so just I understand that he probably really, REALLY had sex with Michelle).

Uhhhh, yup ... that's weathered faced Michelle with Steve Sanders.

Boozer is also infamous for allegedly giving his word to former Cavaliers owner (and BLIND MAN) Gordon Gund that he would sign a free agent contract with Cleveland in 2004, only to leverage that conversation into getting the Utah Jazz to offer him more money. Days later, The Booze Hound signed with Utah where he would later meet Michelle and BLOW HER MIND with his trademark blue-collar Alaskan sexual maneuvers.

Special thanks go out to my buddy Law for telling me about this story and also to new internet friend, Thad S. who linked to it in my comments section.

Let it be known that Thad S. also writes a really great food blog called Philly Phoodie you can find here. He recently recommended the cheeseburger (with anchovy mayo!) at a new gastro-pub, Kennett.

Possibly more mind blowing than sleeping with an Alaskan.

For the record, Law, his wife Chicken, and myself, all had THE BEST CHEESEBURGERS we've ever had last week at The Royal Tavern in South Philly, complete with bacon, smoked gouda, carmelized onions, chile mayonnaise and longhots. Law got his with extra longhots. I got mine with extra heartburn. Chicken got hers sans longhots and also refuses to read my blog because "The posts are way too long."

Also, my wife just told me that following Zumba class on Saturday morning, Chicken diagnosed herself with Plantar fasciitis and hasn't been able to walk for the past 36 hours. 

Lastly, I totally realize that this "quick post" turned into another epic, long-winded, blabbapalooza from yours truly, so I sincerely apologize. I honestly can't ever shut up. I'm sorry. 

The Bachelor: Soooo Many Blankets

I've honestly never seen this woman before.

I am blown away by the amount of blankets being used on the current season of The Bach. They're everywhere. Outside one-on-one time at the cocktail hour, blankets. Lunch date at the vineyard, blankets. Hey, I just climbed down a skyscraper with a crazy person, you know what I need? A blanket. Now don't get me wrong, I love blankets, I love pigs in a blanket, I love pigs without blankets, I love pigs, I seriously love pigs, they're amazing, but this show is taking it to another level. At one point, the crazy dentist who's not actually a dentist got out of the hot tub and wrapped herself in a blanket. The she went and sat down with two girls who were wrapped in blankets. I just need someone on the show to acknowledge this. Just for one of the girls to give a confessional to the camera and say:

"Look, I'm here for the right reasons and it's very difficult to compete with twenty other girls in the house and it's very important for me to get some one-on-one time and oh, by the way, I have never, EVER, lived in a house with so many blankets. This is incredible. Thank you ABC for revolutionizing the way I think about sitting on couches and building a nest for myself." 

Other notes:

Apparently that linguistics class I took at the University of Maryland taught me nothing, because I have no idea how to pronounce the name, "Chantal." Looking at it, I'd go with "Shahn Tall", as in, "Swan Tall," but everyone on the show says, "Shann Tell" as in "Can Tell." Is Chantal sure she's pronouncing her name correctly? Also, are you aware that the "stuff" in Double Stuf Oreos is spelled with one "f"? Yeah, my wife and I now call them "Dooblay Stoofs." We're also referring to "group dates" as "groupers." It's just fun to say:

"Hey, did you get a one-on-one date or a grouper?"

"Oh, I got a grouper."

"Oh, you're going on a grouper?"

"Yeah, me and Chantelly Lace are going on a grouper. Hey, can I borrow a blanket?"

"No, I need seventeen blankets."

Nice grouper!

There was also a moment after Chantal's one-on-one date where she said she could potentially see herself as one day being "Chantal Womack" (orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Chantal Pickelsimer). 

Thing I noticed about The Bachelor (the person, not the show) this week:  
Brad has an ENORMOUS Adam's Apple. Now, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's a thing. It's a GIANT thing blasting out of his throat. I know that an Adam's Apple is a very masculine appendage and I've heard many women say they love a guy's sharp jawline, or strong neck, but I've never heard of a large Adam's Apple as being a bonus. For the record, I don't know if I've ever actually heard a woman say they like a strong neck, but if I were a woman, I think I'd like a strong neck.

While we're on the topic of necks and throats, it has always bothered me when people start choking and say, "Oh man, it went down the wrong pipe, it went down the wrong pipe." Uhhhhhh, there is no wrong pipe. There is no other pipe. Humans have one pipe. We are a one pipe species. The only way it would make sense would be if there was a human born with two necks. Like: 

"Hey, you remember my cousin, Freddy?"

"Freddy, Freddy? No, I don't know him."

"Sure you do, my weird looking cousin who has two giant heads and two necks."

"Oh, Freddy, sure! The guy who's always choking!"

"Exactly!"

For the record, if there is anyone out there with two necks and/or throats and/or windpipes, I sincerely apologize. That is no way to live. I cannot imagine a life where one was constantly choking. I have choked once and it was TERRIFYING. I was driving home from New York on the New Jersey Turnpike and started choking because my one pipe malfunctioned and almost drove my car straight into the Vince Lombardi rest stop. When I got home, I wrapped myself in like, 37 blankets.

Evster's Note:  According to reader "Gabulous" and any first grade Science textbook, it seems as if humans do in fact have two pipes, the esophagus and the trachea, and not one like I just stated. You can read more about Gabber's knowledge of Biology in the comments section. Regardless, Brad still has a giant lump in his throat and I still think Science is dumb. 

Mr. Snake might have some trouble swallowing a grouper.

I also noticed that Brad LOVES thanking the girls for stuff. Thanks for being who you are. Thanks for coming on this date with me. Thanks for sticking your tongue down my throat and not getting weirded out by my giant Adam's Ap. I'm going to count how many "thanks" he dishes out next week. Setting the over-under at ten.

I also also noticed that on the way to Brad's one-on-one date with Michelle when they climbed down a skyscraper that he was NOT wearing a seatbelt. Kind of strange to cheat death that way?

Brad's therapist, Jaime:  Hey man, how was that skyscraper date?

Brad:  Ehhhhh, never actually got there. I choked on a couple of Dooblay Stoofs on the way there and wrecked ABC's Maserati. They got caught on my GIANT Adam's Ap, so we just stayed in and watched Intervention.

Also, Brad calls his therapist, Jaime?!?!?

Thing I noticed about The Bach (the person again, not the show) last week:  
Brad's handkissing is out of control. I counted at least four women whose hands he kissed last night. Also, Michelle, the crazy weathered faced and black eyed pea, RECIPROCATED with a handkiss of her own!

Michelle is completely out of her mind. My buddy Law thinks she's funny and is doing everything tongue in cheek and I will admit that she has a sense of humor (not necessarily a good one, but still has one), but her freak-outs are too much too soon. My wife screamed at the television while she broke down about the fact that Brad is attracted to other types of girls. My wife's main argument was, "YOU DON'T KNOW HIM! MAKE SURE HE'S RIGHT FOR YOU!"

I think the lady in orange might be choking.

This came minutes after I screamed at the television, right before Chantal's one-on-one date:

Chantal:  He's picking me up in a helicopter!

Me:  NO HE'S NOT!!! ... ABC is! ... Brad had no input into the planning of this date!  He would probably take you to Bennigans! ... Why aren't we watching Intervention?!?! ... I gotta see if Lorna makes it! ... There's no way Lorna makes it.

Ev's Bachelor Watching Tip of the Week:  It's fine to flip channels during breaks from The Bachelor, but DO NOT flip to Intervention. It will suck you in. Last night, we made that crucial mistake and missed literally minutes of Bachelor action while watching an entire family ripped apart by a lady on crack (Lorna). When we returned to The Bach, it took us at least seventeen seconds to figure out what was going on.

Back to Michelle and Brad's skyscraper scaling, which was COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. I wanted  Brad to just say, "You know what, you're freaking out, this isn't fun, let's just go to Bennigan's." However, my wife the psychologist said what they did was called "traumatic bonding" and undoubtedly brought them closer together. What it also did was cause us to scream at the television once again when Brad and Michelle pulled off their death-defying skyscraping kiss. We were outraged.

Our next-door neighbor Bridget, who joined us last night, is also outraged that ABC no longer includes the women's ages next to their names. My wife said she read that ABC removed them because they thought it might be offensive to women, leading Bridget to say, "This whole show is offensive to women!" This then led my wife to suggest that we make a giant fantasy football-esque draft board on our wall with all of the women and their ages on it. That'd be awesome if Bridget's husband, Dan, decided to join us one night. "Oh hey Dan, didn't know you were coming over. Come here, I gotta show you my new set of tools and that? oh that's nothing, that's just my giant poster of all the bachelorettes and their ages. Hey, would you like a Fresca?"

Lastly, it was nice to see Chris Harrison stop by to pick up his paycheck at the end of the episode.

"Oh hey guys, what's going on? Just came here to grab my millions of dollars while you're all getting your hearts broken and freaking out. Oh by the way, Emily, next week we're gonna make you drive a racecar and yeah, I'm aware that your dead husband used to race cars and you're probably going to have a mental breakdown, but it was nice seeing you! Hey, also, can someone hose down this driveway for me? I gotta get outta here, the wife and I have tickets to see Train."