The Bachelor Finale: Hard to Watch (Except When Chantal Was In That Wetsuit)

Not pictured: Chantal with one of those sticks jammed through her heart.

There are few things in this world more difficult to watch than The Bachelor letting go of the final bachelorette. One of those things happens to be watching ninth grade girls basketball. If you've never seen a ninth grade girls hoops game, it is PAINFUL to witness. The girls just plod up and down the court, constantly traveling and occasionally shooting the ball OVER the basket. This past winter, I coached ninth grade boys basketball and almost gauged my eyeballs out every Tuesday and Thursday when I was forced to sit through the girls' snoozefests. It was similar to watching a date with Emily and Brad. But if I had to choose between watching Perkiomen Valley and Cinnaminson or seeing Chantal get her heart ripped out on national television, I'd go with the latter.

Poor Chantal though, with her Lewinsky lips and double barreled vuvuzelas, having to stand there and listen to Pickelsimer's ramblings about how he loved another. I wanted to jump through my television and give her a big hug (and then take advantage of her vulnerability and blow on said vuvuzelas. Can you imagine the sound they'd make?!?!). Luckily for Chantal, she quickly landed on her feet and most likely blew the mind of some South African rugby player on her way outta the country.

Clang.

It was a roller-coaster ride of emotions for both Chantal and Pickelsimer, who started the show off by completely losing his shit when he was reunited with his family. They responded by hugging him and supporting him. Now I know that myself and The Bach have VERY little in common, but our families are even less alike. This is what an encounter with my family would've been like if we were reunited in South Africa. 

Me:  Heyyyyyy guys. Great to see you! 

Dad:  Hey Ev! 

Brother:  Hey Evster! 

Mom:  Ugh, you look fat. 

Me:  Thanks Mom. 

Dad:  He doesn't look fat. 

Mom:  Yes he does. And bald. 

Brother:  He's been bald. 

Mom:  You seriously don't think he looks fat? 

Dad:  Fat, skinny, who cares? Yeah, I think he looks fat, but I don't tell him.

Brother:  You definitely look balder than before.

Dad:  He's not balder than before! He's fatter.

Mom:  My Evy had the brightest, reddest hair as a kid.

Brother:  Well now he's fat.

Mom:  Also, when he was a baby, he constantly shit himself.  

Dad:  Still does. 

Mom:  Remember that time he shit himself in Hebrew school? 

Me:  Yeah. 

Brother:  No!

Mom:  Well, he and Joshua Lipshutz were ...

Dad:  Ev, you still shit yourself, right? Have you been shitting yourself here in Africa?

Me:  No, I haven't been shitting myself.

Dad:  I shit myself on the way here.

Mom:  Would you two stop talking about shitting yourselves so I can tell a story about Ev shitting himself?

My mom would then tell a story that partially had to do with me shitting myself, but mostly had to do with her friend Nancy's daughter and her husband who's going to pharmacy school. 

It doesn't matter how long you look, you won't find it.

Brad's family came complete with Mom, brother Wes and twin brother CHAD! Yep, Brad and Chad. Real names. Real people. Most mind boggling to me was the fact that when the three brothers sat down to talk, Chad sat Indian style. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm 33 years old and CANNOT sit Indian style. In fact, whenever I play board games or do stuff on the floor, I constantly have to switch positions like I'm playing Twister. One second I'm sitting with my legs out, then I'm doing planks. Then I'm on my knees. Then I'm going Tony Pena style. Very similar to Chantal in the fantasy suite.

Poor Chantal!

So are Brad's brothers still Pickelsimers? Or have they too made the switch? Which leads us to the question of the evening:

Neil Lane, the jeweler who supplied The Bach with his engagement ring, what is his REAL last name?

a) Lipshutz
b) Loewenstern
c) Who are we kidding? It's definitely Lipshutz.

Thanks, Lip.

Chantal gets ready to play Monopoly.

The other question of the evening is: Is Emily a snooze?

This is a tough call. Part of me thinks she's the most perfect Southern Belle and should forever be named Miss West Virginia, but another part of me thinks she might be a snooze! Let's compare her to Chantal.

Chantal is clearly not a snooze, as evidenced by her ability to look sexy while being eaten by a shark and her keen interest in amateur cartography.

Emily has a tattoo on her wrist, bore a child out of wedlock and as I mentioned a moment ago, is from West Virginia and can surely make a mean batch of moonshine. And so, my final verdict is ............................. NO! Emily is not a snooze!

Who knows if Emily and Brad will make it? It sure seems like they've got a rocky road ahead. Pickels admitted to having a violent temper and Emily claims she's incredibly insecure and stubborn. One thing's for sure though, Chantal's new boyfriend is probably loving life. And will most likely be posting nude pictures of her on the internet in no time.

And those will not be hard to look at.

So I'm thinking of taking a paper-mâché class.

Zow-zow.

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