Jeopardy vs. Wheel of Fortune - The Battle of The Bulge Part II

Get your damn hands off her, Trebek.

"There are two types of people in this world:  Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." - Bob Wiley (Bill Murray) in What About Bob?

Our culture is built on rivalries: Duke vs. North Carolina, Coke vs. Pepsi, absolutely everybody versus Mario Lopez, but somehow Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune have been able to not only coexist, but thrive in the 7:00 power hour for the last twenty-five years. How could a country as divided as ours support two completely different game shows? Are they even rivals? Maybe they're two different programs who join forces to make up one totally awesome back-to-back game show bonanza. Maybe they're more like Michael and Scottie, peanut butter and jellz, Charlie Sheen and a giant bucket of cocaine. Can We the People, agree that Americans shouldn't have to choose a side? Can we love each show equally and not judge because one of them happens to be hosted by a Canadian prick?

Abbbbbbsolutely not!

That's so Un-American!

Let's choose which one is better and which one is dumb, and then let's vote off the dumb one and not give them a rose because they're LESS THAN.

Let's start with the HOSTS.

Jeopardy - Alex Trebek

Is that chest hair salt and pepper style?

F***ing dickbag. No one, and I mean NO ONE forces me to unleash tirades on my television screen like Alex Trebek. Whether he's correcting a contestant's pronunciation or attempting to make small talk while looking down at those goddamn baby blue giant index cards of his, he drives me insane with his knowledge of HOW TO READ AN INDEX CARD. Alex, you don't know the answers! You have them written down! "Oh, I'm sorry Lois, the correct answer was, What is Gor-GON-ga-lay-lay? Gorgongalaylay. Of course, the ancient cathedral of Neppi-ta-ta from the book, 'Western Scrome' by Theodore Trub-lib-SKY-a. Trublibsky-a. Lois, you'll start us off in Double Jeopardy because you have zero dollars."

Wheel of Fortune - Pat Sajak

"I don't know what you heard about me, but you can't get a dollar outta me ...."

I have a friend named Hinkleberg, who is like 5 feet tall and is always cracking jokes and wearing socks and he totally reminds me of Pat Sajak. GREAT GUY! The kinda guy you wanna grab a beer with and then spend a half an hour trying to figure out word puzzles with while occasionally spinning a giant wheel while two other screaming lunatic contestants cheer on your every move. Pat Sajak has a great personality, a dry wit and has undoubtedly taken Vanna White to the boneyard at some point during their twenty-nine year history together.

Vanna on the other hand is as beautiful as she was twenty-nine years ago which is remarkable because (and I looked this up on Wikipedia) she is 97 years old. Yes, 97 years old. Fascinating, considering she doesn't look a day over 60. Actually, to be honest, she looks around three days older than 60. She looks like she's about 60 and 3 days. Although there are times when they put her in ridiculous outfits that make her look around 62, so let's just say that she looks like a really hot 60ish woman who has probably been worn out by Pat Sajak numerous times over the past few decades and may or may not wear a pacemaker.

The Contestants

Jeopardy aka Dork City, USA

Look, I like smart people. In fact, I once knew a guy who knew a guy who dated a chick who went to Penn (she didn't graduate, but she totally had a Penn sweatshirt and a Penn notebook (AND a Penn notebook)! But the fact of the matter is, the smart folks on Jeopardy are socially inept. If I had a dime for every time that I heard a Jeopardy contestant tell an intelligible story about their studies abroad in The Congo, I would seriously have around $1.90 more than I have now and would be totally pissed off that I had to carry around so much change. Also, the ratio of contestants to contestants with strange facial ticks is mind-bogglingly high. I also get irked when contestants try to be all cute when they pick a category like, "Hmmmm, let's go with Russian Literature for Two, please, Alex," or, "Let's finish off the category." Just pick a category and say a number! ... "Pope-Pourri for 400! ... Who is John Paul The Second? ... The Secondddddddddd."     

Mathletes.

Wheel of Fortune - might as well be America's Next Top Lunatic

The contestants on Wheel of Forch are straight buckwild. They're out of their minds and seem to live such nice, quaint lifestyles back in their hometown of Bangaroo Falls, Iowa. "I live with my loving husband of over 37 years, Paul, and my two children, Paul and Flaul, and I teach seventh grade pre-algebra and Bangaroo Middle School, go Beavers!" They're also ridiculously positive, always clapping and supporting each other the same way that the Oklahoma City Thunder do. They simply shrug their shoulders when they land on Bankrupt and for some reason love screaming out consonants. I imagine most of them having the genetic makeup of a golden retriever.

The Show Itself

Jeopardy - Obviously Jep is the more intellectual of the show and requires more actual knowledge, so is therefore the more prestigious game. It's bare bones, just questions and answers with the annoying little twist of having to state the question as opposed to the answer. My wife likes when they introduce the categories and honestly sprints into the room when she hears Alex announce them. If she misses them because I'm watching college basketball players warm-up in amazing Nike track suits, I normally end up sleeping on the couch later that night (and for the next six to ten weeks). I like the Daily Doubles, especially when people go for the a "True Daily Dubb" and like to criticize any and all contestants who wager wimpy amounts during Final Jep.

I could do without the special weeks like the Teen Tournament, but I kinda like Celebrity Jeopardy and enjoyed playing Jeopardy in middle school when reviewing for a test. Also, Wheel of Fortune's special weeks are straight up ridiculous, like WNBA week and "Gone Fishin" week which I still haven't figured out, but Pat Sajak seems to LOVE.

Overall, Jeopardy is both challenging and suspenseful, but is pretty cool I guess, if you like the dork Olympics (which I do). 

Are you trying to tell me that Pat did NOT take Vanna to the boneyard during Gone Fishin' Week?!?!

Wheel of Fortune - I mean, it's glorified hangman; just with a giant, colorful wheel spinning around and a 62ish looking woman who seriously does absolutely nothing. She just walks around and looks pretty. If I had a dime for every time I got paid for just walking around and looking pretty, I would seriously have NO DIMES and would be the happiest, broke person in the world because I could walk around and not have my pants fall down from the weight of the metal. Seriously, how many mugs of change am I going to pile up on my night-table before my wife goes friggin' bonkers and dumps them all over my side of the bed (again)?!

Besides that, Wheel of Fortune is so relaxing and mindless and the perfect buffer between a long day of work and the riveting reality television of prime time. It's happy people clapping and having a nice time and potentially winning thousands of dollars that will undoubtedly be spent on either cocaine or lollipops.

These dudes definitely favor Wheel of Forch.

Flaws

Jeopardy - My one major criticism of Jep (besides the annoying host, dorky contestants and dumb answer/question flip/flop) are the buzzers. I liked the buzzers as a kid and used to click a pen to simulate the action, but they are FLAWED. I have no doubt that some of them DON'T WORK, like when you're playing Guitar Hero and your guitar's batteries are on the fritz and you totally screw up The Strokes "Reptilia" and your friend Law yells at you for "ruining everybody's time!" I have very little compassion in my soul, but I honestly feel badly for the contestants whose buzzers are warped. I blame Trebek.

Wheel of Fortune - The puzzle clue,"THING." This could literally be ANYTHING. This is not a clue. This does not help. The only clue it gives you is that it's NOT one of those Before and After thingies like, "Pope John Paul The Second Baseman For The Milwaukee Brewers." Clean it up Sajak!

Final Verdict

All in all, I love both shows.

One, a battle of wits.

And the other, essentially the Puppy Bowl on acid. 

My vote goes to Wheel of Fortune, mostly because I hate Alex Trebek and love Pat and Vanna, but really because I'm just trying to be provocative. Also, when Vanna looks at the camera I totally think she's looking right into my shorts.