Reader Mailbag - Bachelor Pad, The World's Worst People and High School Chicks

Apparently George The Animal Steele couldn't get an invite?

After posting last week about True Butt, I decided to make a concerted effort to cut down on butt jokes, dick jokes, titty-talk, etc. I’m not sure what the goal of this blog is – I guess it’s to get paid – but I can’t imagine anyone ever hiring me to write about clam-cocks. That being said, leaving out those jokes is REALLY HARD. Well, anyway, here are some emails from people who apparently are into that sort of thing.

Subject: worst show in the world

We've talked about how I soak myself in antiseptic after being made to watch the Kardashians, and how I have to leave the room when Sex and The City is on, but I've recently come home from work during lunch and been subject to a show that made me so mad I couldn't even eat. These goddamn doctors on Grey's Anatomy are making googly eyes at each other in the middle of a fucking spleen surgery. Do your fucking job, doctor!

- Nate, Boston

Thank God my wife doesn’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, ‘cause that would drive me crazy – and when I say crazy, I mean crazy-horny. Seriously, is there anything hotter than a lady with a stethoscope? I’ve never seen the show – and I imagine it’s terrible – but my mother has a story that she likes to tell about inappropriate doctor stuff.

Around twenty years ago, my father was in the hospital for some routine surgery, and after he got zonked out on anesthesia, a nurse came in to check on him and was blown away when she saw the size of his balls. (For the record, my father has enormo-balls). So the nurse excuses herself, and returns minutes later with three other nurses, lifts up my dad’s sheet, and they all giggle like crazy. My mom claims she saw the whole thing and quite frankly, I think she’s actually proud to tell the story, like, “Hey, look at me, I married a dude with ox-balls.”

My wife (unclear how she feels about my scrote) actually watches 90210 when I’m not around, and it’s so frustrating to return home to. First of all, THAT SHOW SUCKS, and secondly, white people claim to watch it because “it’s hilarious!” and “Andrea is a slut!” but they’re lying - they actually like it! My wife gets legitimately angry with me when I make fun of the plotlines, to the point where she’s like, “Would you stop moaning and groaning and calling Andrea “Andrew”?! I don’t make fun of your shows! I don’t complain when Kevin Prince Boateng is friggin’ rolling around on the ground, pretending to be hurt in some soccer match. If you don’t wanna watch this show, then go upstairs and play with your balls that PALE in comparison to your father’s by the by!”

By the by, Kim Kardash is getting married this weekend to a guy whose career scoring average is 5.6 ppg.

If that's not the look of a guy who just jizzed in his pants, then my name's not Stan Furbletales.

Subject: TVMWW Reader Emails

There's going to be 17, high school aged girls on the stage in bathing suits and slutty dresses tomorrow night. Excited?

- Aubre, Illadelph

Aubre is referring to the 2011 Miss Ocean City Pageant that I attended last week (and where my wife was a judge) and let me just say IT WAS INCREDIBLE. Of the seventeen contestants, I’d say 85% of them could beat me in an arm-wrestling match - and not just because I have baloney arms - these ladies were jacked! I feel a little baaaad ripping on high-school girls, so I’ll try not to, but seriously, a couple of them had shoulders like goddamn mules!

One girl (who was possibly from Nebraska) sang the saddest song during the talent competition - Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” – and you could totally feel her pain. It was as if she was singing it to some surfer dude who probably copied her biology homework and ended up hooking up with her best friend. It was so sweet and so sad and so powerful and so melancholy and gave me the absolute biggest erection.

Subject: The Daughter From Real Housewives of NJ

Worst person on television? Or worst person in the world?

King Hippo slut pic?

- Dave, Boston

The socks and sandals is an interesting touch.

Wow, that’s certainly a dude wearing a King Hippo outfit.

You know, ever since I compared Ashley to The Fuhrer earlier this week, I’ve felt a little baaad. Not as baaad as I feel about comparing those pageant girls to livestock, but baaad. And I’ve been thinking, is she reallllly the worst person in the world? Let’s see how she stacks up next to the other worst people on the planet.  

Shawn Bradley - Most embarrassing basketball player ever. I mean, what is even going on in this picture? I hate white people.

Bentley - Is that a Mighty-Mac jacket? What the hell is wrong with Utah?

Chris Wheeler - Phillies broadcaster. Hasn't shut up since 19 ought 6.

Joe Giudice - Sort of shocked he's not wearing all-white sneakers in this picture. May be unfair to include him in this list considering he's probably having loads of trouble adjusting to life following the Mesozoic Era.

Ronnie and Sammi - No mas! 

Nick DiPaolo - Total doucher. Cool denim shirt though.

Andrea - Not pictured: his enormous dong.  

Eh, I think Ashley still takes the crown.  

Subject: The Gratterolis

Dear Guy who watches TV with his wife,

As much as I enjoyed all your posts on The Bachelorette, I take issue with your description of the Gratterolis. I’m pretty sure they're not worried about anyone stealing a rake...they keep their door locked to keep your dad from wandering over, naked, at 2 in the afternoon. Just a hunch.

Sincerely,

- Nicole Frattaroli (your next door neighbor growing up), not to be confused with Nicole Gratteroli

Nicole, those were just yokes! I was yoking! Your mother has always been very kind to me, especially when I got locked out of my house, which was VERY often. I also apologize for my father and his nudity, but can you really blame him? He’s got dumps like a truck truck truck, balls like what what what, all night longgggggggggg … let Nicole see my dad’s thonggggggggggggggg!!

Subject: Out of Boredom

Hello TVMWW,

I have no idea what you are looking for in reader emails so let's just start out on a positive note:

Potentially shops at Lush?

I believe immediately before this picture was taken he was waxing his chest and riding a unicorn.

Also, I have attached a picture my sister took yesterday at the Milwaukee Zoo. I felt it was important to share with you. I also thought it was important to include my boyfriend’s lame comment on the matter, which was "those Rhinos look horny."

Game of Frones?

What about writing about Bachelor Pad so I have something to do on Tuesday and Wednesday (Tuesday for compulsively checking and Wednesday for actual reading). And tell your other friend to be quiet about the "posts being too long". Her job is clearly too stimulating and the rest of us shouldn't have to be punished. I'd have to imagine with the rich content on that show the posts would practically write themselves.

Lastly, I would like to request a review of a product or something women like outside of TV. Because your opinion is funny.

Sincerely,


- KG, NYC

Geez, I kinda wish this email was written from the real KG, not some lady from New York. Imagine that email?

Yo Ev, my wife is tripping, yo. She’s dying to get on that show Basketball Wives, but I can’t let that happen mayn. You seen them ladies?! Ochocinco’s jawn is insane! And Eric Williams? I can’t be forced to go on a double date with that dude – who could eat around him? Help a brother out, yo! Also, can you believe we black people really write like this on email? Lol! :)

Geez, how racist was that email?!?! You think Kevin Garnett really writes emails like that? Actually, have you ever noticed how black people are all about lol’ing? Seriously, follow some black person on FB or Twitter, you’ll see more lol’s than at a Miss Ocean City Pageant. It’s so embarrassing!

That's a good one Becks, that's a good one. I know, my Jewish agent is ALWAYS kvetching!

Back to the other KG’s questions.

I’ve been trying to NOT watch Bach Pad (just needed a little Bach break!), but am recognizing that I totally have to. I mean, just the fact that the guard and protect your heart guy is on it is reason enough … AND he’s in love with Vienna … AND Jake is involved in their love triangle … AND Vienna has a terrible horrible, no good, very bad haircut.

For the life of me, I don’t know why Gia is on this show. Hasn’t she had enough of this shit? Every time I put it on, she’s sobbing about something – and I know, I know, it’s really hard to go through this world with a speech impediment – but c’mon lady, you don’t need to do this! Also, the guard and protect your heart guy is deaf, right? That’s why he talks like that? And did you ever notice that when someone else is speaking to him, he always responds way off topic.

Jake:  Hey man, I just want you to know that I’m really happy for you and Vienna.

Guard and Protect Guy:  Yeah, I fucking love Combos. Not really the cracker kind, but the pretzel and cheese jawns. Those are fantastic.  

That's a normal pose.

As far as lady products, (I did once write about Grogurt) I don’t understand why chicks love that store Lush so much. I swear, my wife has so many lotions and glosses, I haven’t felt or smelled her actual skin in months. (Anddddddd that’s your cue to barf all over yourself. I’m sorry.) Every time I kiss my wife good night, it tastes like lemons. What happened to the good ole days when women smelled like leather and I got boners without having to be smacked in the face? Anyway, what was the question?

Subject: Questions a go-go

Dear TVMWW,

I have a few questions for you:

1. What is your favorite TV show of all time and why? No, for realsies. All. Time.

2. If you could own any Bill Cosby sweater, which one would it be?

2a. How many Jell-O pudding pops can you consume in one sitting?

3. I mean, I know the Jersey Shore is the worst thing that has ever happened to Italian-Americans... but you're Jewish. Why aren't you writing more about Jersey Shore? The posts would practically write themselves. Actually, I guess that's why. That's racist!

4. I want live Tweets from TVMWW. Mainly because I don't watch more than half of these shows, so it would be a way for me to follow along LIVE, baby, LIVE!

5. What do you guys eat while you watch TV? Yes, I am looking for you to plug fwords (my food blog).

Ciao, Francesco Rinaldi!

- Fwords

Geez, that’s a lotta questions. I’m now starting to sort of regret this whole “Heyyy, send me your email questions! I’ll respond to them all” thing. But promises, promises, so here goes.

Favorite TV show is a no-brainer: Wipeout. Granted, I’ve only seen two episodes of it and I’m pretty sure I turned both of them off around half way, but people get absolutely blasted! It’s amazing!

Not really a fan of sweaters in general - they make you sweat too much! - but I appreciate how aptly named they are. I did always like that The Coz wore college sweatshirts though on his show. I also really liked that Kenny kid aka Buddddddd. My big brother says … In fact, to this day I call croutons “krau-tins” because that’s what Kenny said his big brother called ‘em.

Really Ev?!?! That’s so friggin’ interesting dude!

Amazing part in his hair! Pretty sure Cedric Ceballos had the exact same cut. 

Pudding pops? Do they still make those? My wife only lets me eat Skinny Cows anyway, which are surprisingly delicious and ridiculously expensive. Also, that’s a total lie - my wife lets me eat anything I want, I just like to paint an image of her as MEIN FUHRER. 

Jersey Shore? Yeah, yeah, I should probably write about that, but there are only so many hours in the day and my fantasy football team is NOT going to draft itself. I HAVE RESEARCH TO DO lady!

Live tweeting sounds good, I’m always looking for an excuse to tweet more – and I’m not allowed to eat in the living room because my wife is a crazy dictator and I once spilled wing sauce all over her favorite couch. Also, I’m not sure I ever told her that, so Butterscotch, if you’re reading, I’m really really sorry.

Subject: blog

I LOVE your blog, I actually found it while I was googling (that a word? no?) info on Ames. I laughed so hard I peed my pants reading all your posts about The Bachelorette. PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE WATCHING THE BACHELOR PAD!!! Anyway, keep up the good work!

- Jackie N, parts unknown

Wow. Probably the nicest email I’ve ever received. Jackie N, please know that I printed your email out and keep it atop my bedside table and read it whenever I’m feeling low. I also read it while jerking off and fantasizing about you in a doctor’s outfit.

Butterscotch, I’m yoking! I’m yoking! These are yokes!

Jackie N, thanks for reading?





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