Barefoot Contessa: Grilling an Entire, Whole Chicken

She's not even looking while she's cutting!

No show puts me to sleep quite like the 5pm airing of The Barefoot Contessa. Not because it's boring, but because Ina Garten's voice, kitchen and lifestyle is so tranquil that I uncontrollably lose consciousness and dream of dining in her backyard. It is by far the most relaxing half hour of my day (and that includes the half hour that I spend everyday playing my harp).

The other day I caught an episode where The Barefoot Contessa grilled an entire, whole chicken. She removed the back and breastbones with ease, slathered the chicken in rosemary and oil and just slapped it on the grill. It seemed so effortless that I figured I'd hop off the couch and try it myself.

Unfortunately, we did not have an entire chicken in our fridge, so instead I chose to make cinnamon raisin toast. Equally as delicious, but not nearly as simple. 

Any chance this guy lives next door to Contessa?

You see, one of the raisins in the bread got lodged in the toaster, forcing me to pry it out. At first, I kept slamming down and lifting the handle, trying to "boing" it out, but that just snagged the raisin more and ripped the slice apart. I then tried to play Operation with the toaster and burnt my fingers. Finally, I grabbed a pen and pressed it out, giving me three, mangled, 33% smaller pieces of cinnamon raisin toast.

When I went to lather on some cream cheese, I noticed that we had no clean knives.* So I took a fork (also dirty) and turned it around, spreading my cream cheese with the handle. This got the job done and I devoured my snack on the couch while Contessa finished preparing her meal.

Realizing she had an entire chicken to eat and no one to share it with, Contessa decided to invite her next-door neighbor Joan over. Now I'm not sure if her neighbor's name was in fact, Joan, but based on the fact that she had a sweater wrapped around her shoulders, her name had to be either Joan, Sharon or Corey Pavin.

Of course Joan came over, they ate an entire chicken and I fell asleep with crumbs in my beard.

When I woke up an hour later absolutely starving, I decided to go to Wawa, where I saw my next-door neighbor Bridgette. Bridgette was grabbing some Doritos and told me that she and her husband Dan were having "Burger Night."

"Burgers and Doritos, sounds perfect!" I said, giving her the clear opportunity to invite Dar and I over for a burg.

But did Bridgette take the bait? .................. No!

33% of a burg is not a lot to ask for

How hard would it have been for her or Dan to holler over the fence to ask if we wanted a burg?!?! It's not like we needed them to put out cloth napkins like Joan did. I didn't even need a napkin, Dan could've just shoved a burger through our chain-link fence! I wouldn't have had a problem with three thirds of a burger!

Well, I know who I won't be calling the next time I make cinnamon raisin toast.




(It's Dan and Bridgette.)

(Besides, then they'd insist on bringing over over their baby, Irene, and it'd be a whole thing with the baby and the baby would start barfing all over the place and that's just not relaxing at all.)




*This doesn't happen to The Barefoot Contessa. She always has loads of little glass bowls filled with herbs, and cute little measuring spoons and a cutting board that doesn't have an entire grapefruit on it from the night before. I'm starting to hate her.