The Bachelor: I'm Certainly Not Compatible With This Guy. Are You?

Rachel, list your top 12 favorite Bill Murray movies ... go!

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." - Bob Wiley, What About Bob

On this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), I'm not here to piss on love, or fairy tales, or catching lobsters, and if Ben and his ladies are into love and lobster, that's great, enjoy the love, enjoy the lobster ... love love love ... lobster lobster lobster ... but anyone who's been married for more than a week and has literally watched their spouse shave their upper thighs in the shower can tell you that relationships are less about love and more about LOBSTERS ... I mean, COMPATIBILITY.

Is your partner okay with you bringing home sushi on V-Day as opposed to you making dinner like you promised? (Mine was.) Is your partner down with wearing sweatpants ALL THE TIME? (Mine is.) Is your partner okay with you eating an entire bag of Smartfood® and then asking for your last sip of lemonade? (Two for three baby!) 

Look, I don't know when the last time you had Smartfood was, but it is F*CKING INSANE. Last night, I seriously considered taking a spoon to dig up the rogue pieces of popcorn at the bottom of my bag. If there's one thing you need to do this Valentine's Day (slash day after Valentine's Day), it's get yourself (and your Valentine!) a bag of Smartfood.

Chicks in Belize know how to party!

Apparently, Ben is looking for a woman who's into jumping out of helicopters and swimming with sharks and catching lobsters with a glove and not a woman with a PHD who drains jump shots on unsuspecting Belizians. (And also, is it really necessary to just grab lobsters with a glove? The lobsters are just trying to hang out and go for a swim. Get your damn hands off them and just let them be lobsters!). I guess that's fine if you're planning on living a life of luxury while constantly traveling the world and doing stuff, but what about seeing who's compatible with you when you wanna watch the Westminster Dog Show on a Tuesday night (that just so happens to be Valentine's Day!)?

I get wanting to sightsee and swim and make a television show while you're in Belize, but these people need to start doing REAL shit and have REAL conversations if they wanna see if they're REALLY meant for each other. They're always talking about feelings and love instead of important stuff like what movies you like or what you want to name your dog or what magazine subscriptions you'd get if you ever opened a dentist's office.

Sports Ill, People, Rolling Stone (just for the charts in the back), Four Four Two, Time (seems pretty standard) and probably a Skiing magazine just for the snowy pictures. 

Ben had a golden opportunity to call off that stupid shark date and get to REALLY know these women when Nicki and Rachel were shaving in the shower. I mean, just pull up a chair and watch them shave! What a great (and EROTIC) way to spend a morning! Grab a bag of Smartfood and watch their skin prune. How did it take me 34 years to discover that women shaving is so hot?!?!?

My wife -- who reads the New York Times and thinks she's better than other people -- told me about an article yesterday that said that intelligence is the #4 quality that men look for in a woman. In 1960, intelligence was #15!

So I gots to thinking ...

A) are there even 15 qualities I can name in a human?
and
B) where would intelligence rank on my list? 

Here goes:

1. Boobs

2. Butt

3. Senses of humors

4. Open-minded

5. Open-minded sexually

6. Nice

7. Intelligent

8. Likes Smartfood (or at least recognizes how another person could love it so much)

9. Clean hair

10. No history of mental illness in family 

11. Cash

12. Understands that you may or may not have a foot fetish

13. Gets excited about something ... anything!

14. Likes squirrels or other furry things that drink water

15. Would be up for watching a guy karate-kick a wall

Get over yourself, kid.

I'll tell ya what's ranks 483rd on my list ... a woman who spells her name "Lindzi!"

ENOUGH OF THIS ALREADY!

IT HAS TO STOP!

That's not how you spell that name! Completely and totally unacceptable. I know, I know, her parents are the one who named her, so she's not entirely at fault, but she's got their DNA in her so clearly something's REALLY wrong with her.

Also, what kinda way was that to throw a message in a bottle?!?! It went around three feet and I can almost guarantee that it washed ashore at the adjacent dock where the lobster guy apparently just takes people out on his boat with no reservations?!?! "Oh, you want lobsters? I can take you out on my boat! No, I'm not doing anything important today, I don't need to run any errands or feed my family, I'll just take you out on a boat!"

Ben kicked off Emily who seemed to be the most intelligent and well-rounded chick on the show. She pretended to be compatible with Ben, but clearly wasn't into riding a bike and playing basketball with Belizians. I liked her the best, but after she said the word "Yay" out loud, I woulda kicked her off too.

Silver lining on Emily going home is that we get to meet Courtney's parents next week, who Courtney claims have the perfect relationship. All these ladies keep saying that about their parents. I can honestly tell you that I have never once uttered the phrase "my parents have the perfect relationship." I was over at my parents' house last week and my mother and father spent 20 minutes arguing about lamb chops. 

And they weren't even arguing about how to prepare lamb chops, or what goes best with lamb chops, they were just arguing about lamb chops. 

Dad: I want lamb chops tonight. I love lamb chops.

Mom: Oh you don't love lamb chops! Shut up.

Dad: What? I love lamb chops.

Mom: You don't even know what lamb chops are.

Dad: Yeah, they're the meat, with the bone ...

Mom: If you want lamb chops so bad, make yourself some goddamn lamb chops. Geez, all of a sudden he loves lamb chops.

Dad: I don't love lamb chops! Stop saying I love lamb chops. 

Mom: Briscuit. Lamb chops. Apple sauce. Name one thing you don't like. 

Dad: I don't like lamb chops! I'll tell ya that much! We better not be having lamb chops tonight.

Mom: Did you pick up Smartfood today?

Dad: Yeah, I got us some Smartfood.

Mom: I'll grab us some spoons.

My parents have been married for 35 years.

Pretty sure they've never swam with sharks or jumped out of a flying machine. They normally spend their vacations at museums and my dad wanders off by himself. My mom stays back and looks at stuff. Eventually, she finds him sitting on a bench (often with a lemonade).

I'm not sure if they're currently on speaking terms.

Just because.

By the way, a dumb dog won Best in Show at Westminster last night. A total farce. Check out pictures here. Or don't. I don't care. I've been sitting in a Cosi for an hour now and need to get back to work. Clicking "post" NOW!