Top 10 Worst Celebrity Bands

What is it that makes celebrity bands so incomprehensibly bad? One popular theory states that there's only so much room for artistic talent in a person, and that these celebs' highly developed primary talents simply leave no room for musical talent. On the other hand, the CRACKED Theory of Celebrity Bands holds that these conceited assclowns started performing only to satisfy their crippling need for attention. Whatever theory you subscribe to, there's one thing we can all agree on: The following 10 performers should throw all of their musical equipment into a wood chipper.

10. Juliette and the Licks, Celebrity Member: Juliette Lewis



This band almost doesn't suck, and this little diddy below is a perfect example. It kicks off with a swell-looking dame in tit-hugging spandex screaming about how she street-fights people-file that under "pretty motherfucking sweet." But then comes the chorus, and like Juliette Lewis' career around 2001, everything falls apart. Not only does she rhyme the central phrase "it's a mad, mad world" with the equally stupid "it's a mad, mad girl," but the tune sounds roughly like this time a kid we knew in fourth grade broke his leg playing kickball. So while this song's chorus is enough to condemn them, Juliette and the Licks get some credit for laying down 25 seconds of acceptable song before the contrived ego-boosting bullshit kicks in.

9. The Bacon Brothers, Celebrity Member: Kevin Bacon



Here is why The Bacon Brothers eat shit (musical shit, that is): Kevin Bacon's brother is in the band. (He's very, very bad.) Ironically, if this band consisted of just KB and a backing band (possible name: Kevin Bacon and the Eggz), it'd be more than palatable. Who knew that the star of classic action-thriller Footloose could sing? Well, besides his less attractive, less talented brother?

8. Billy Bob Thornton, Celebrity Member: Billy Bob Thornton



Wrapping up the "Celebrity Bands That Don't Completely Blow" portion of our list is William Robert Thornton, who's released four albums in the last decade. BBT has some kind-of-okay chops, but there's one significant problem: the man consistently sounds like he's taking a difficult mid-song dump. And judging from some of his past behavior (and the way he just generally seems like a lowlife sexual deviant), he very well may be. Which, of course, is a major problem for a musician (and his audience).

7. Wicked Wisdom, Celebrity Member: Jada Pinkett-Smith



Since 2003, the wife of movie star Will Smith has been leading a double life. Most days, she's either acting sassy in a mediocre mid-budget movie or parading her disproportionately large biceps down a red carpet. But on very rare occasions, she runs around screaming in agony like someone just shoved red-hot poker up her eye socket as a hilarious practical joke. Surprisingly, she found four other non-musicians to follow her around and violently molest instruments as she red-hot-poker-yells into a microphone. Nobody knows what made the seemingly sweet Jada turn to death metal, but we're guessing that starring alongside Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor had something to do with it. That dude's a dick.

6. The Sharks, Celebrity Member: Dennis Quaid



The Sharks (or as they're known in the biz, "The Band That Was Named by an 8-Year-Old Boy") are fronted by Dennis Quaid, brother of comedy super-legend Randy Quaid. Fun fact: Dennis Quaid is a grown man who finds it acceptable to wear a Texas Longhorns baseball jersey on stage. There's not much to say about The Sharks other than the fact that, well, they aren't very good. Oh, and that Dennis Quaid might be an 8-year-old boy caught in a man's body.

5. 30 Seconds to Mars, Celebrity Member: Jared Leto



Remember when Jared Leto starred in whiny me-fest My So-Called Life and you wanted to magically jump into the screen and elbow his nose through the back of his skull like that scene in A History of Violence? That's exactly what happens when you watch one of this pompous, make-up-wearing slapdick's "music" "videos." To showcase this band's non-abilities, we decided to go with their Shining-esque video for "The Kill," a song that chronicles the band's trip to an abandoned hotel, in which they make love to each other for days on end, presumably.

4. 30 Odd Foot of Grunts, Celebrity Member: Russell Crowe



Man, no comments, Russell Crowe.

3. Dogstar, Celebrity Member: Keanu Reeves



The butt of countless jokes, Keanu Reeves' now-defunct side project was a band that, well, deserved to be the butt of countless jokes. The most bewildering aspect of Dogstar's suckitude is the fact that Keanu is only the bassist-a supporting role at best. On one hand, it could mean that Keanu was smart enough to know that he should keep himself out of the limelight. But more likely, it means that he was dumbtarded enough to believe that this jagoff lead singer actually had a good voice. Imagine that: Keanu Reeves is unintelligent and confused about his surroundings. You learn something new every day.

3. The Bruce Willis Blues Band, Celebrity Member: Bruce Willis



Try as he might, Bruce Willis is not an old black man. So why he believes he can belt out blues tunes in a caricaturish old black man's voice-the equivalent of musical blackface-is a mystery. Are we supposed to believe that he looks like a white guy, talks like a white guy and goes through expensive, humiliating divorces like a white guy, but then magically starts singing like a black cartoon character as soon as his embarrassed guitarist starts butchering a John Lee Hooker riff? (It should also be noted that the hypothetical old black man we're talking about has a terrible singing voice.)

2. Minnie Driver, Celebrity Member: Minnie Driver



It's not unreasonable to claim that Minnie Driver is a talented actress. But it's also not unreasonable to claim that the video below is one of the dumbest pieces of bullshit ever created by anyone ever. And God bless the production team on her last album, Everything I've Got in My Pocket, because they did everything they could to make this audio vomit listenable. And while Minnie's voice may not be the worst on this list, her bland, simple lyrics like "I wanna lay down with you forever" (Forever? You mean I can't stand up to piss?) and melodies that employ about three notes really steal the show. You may be thinking, "But what if this song isn't representative of the other songs on her album?" Well, you're very wrong.

1. Honky Tonk Confidential, Celebrity Member: Bob Schieffer



Oh, Bob Schieffer, you're so adorable with your Southern drawl, your tailored suits and the way you sing like a homophobic asshole. Maybe the most dumbfounding aspect of Schieffer's signature song, "TV Anchorman," is that he's rapping over a country western tune about how he thinks some guy wants to fuck him ("I'm not some Brokeback Mountain dude"). It's not that the notion of another man wanting to fuck Bob Schieffer is that outrageous-let's face it, he's got a shape to him-it's just that most people who perform in public would try to avoid lyrics that are so clearly autobiographical and that basically amount to the singer telling someone, "Hey, I ain't no fag, you fag!" If you're wondering whether Schieffer has enough musical talent or stage presence to redeem a misguided lyric like this one, just watch the video below, and try as hard as you can not to throw your computer through a window.

Posted by www.cracked.com

Top 10 Ladies Who Used to Be Hot

Too many actresses are believing the line that you can’t be too thin. Please, ladies, eat a sandwich or something at the craft services cart. Here are a special shout-out to ten skinny-ass celebs that used to really turn heads.

10. Thandie Newton

Most recently seen in: Run Fat Boy Run
Last time she was hot: Mission: Impossible II



There was a time that Thandie Newton was the next Hollywood hottie. Then someone must have suggested that she had some jelly rolls, because she lost more weight than a cancer patient on Atkins. Now she looks more like a zero-body-fat lizard than a celebrity beauty.

9. Victoria Beckham

Most recently seen in: Ugly Betty
Last time she was hot: when the Spice Girls were



Not that I was a fan of the Spice Girls, but I will admit that they covered all the bases in terms of fantasy girls. But the former Posh Spice has lost so much weight that her once sultry figure makes her look like a lollipop - a wobbly head on a stick. I’m afraid her neck is going to snap and her hubby will kick her head around their flat like a soccer ball.

8. Jennifer Connelly

Most recently seen in: Reservation Road
Last time she was hot: Requiem for a Dream



Can you believe this was the girl from The Rocketeer? Or Dark City? This buxom brunette starts getting some Hollywood credibility and drops down to a size zero. There’s nothing wrong with losing a little pudge, but when you look like one of the starving children from Sierra Leone in Blood Diamond, something’s wrong.

7. Rachel Taylor

Most recently seen in: Shutter
Last time she was hot: Transformers



Okay, I really loved her debut in Transformers. Very few ladies in Hollywood could give Megan Fox a run for the money, especially in a two-hour Michael Bay beer commercial. But in Shutter, this girl looked like she hadn’t eaten since working with Bay. She could make it as an up-and-coming hottie, if she actually ate a sandwich.

6. Kate Bosworth

Most recently seen in: 21
Last time she was hot: Blue Crush



She just beat the house last weekend in 21, and she banged Superman without being mortally wounded, but I just can’t get over the fact she looks like a 12-year-old boy. It wasn’t hard to hide her nipples in the 21 sex scene, considering she’s about as anorexically flat-chested as Jim Sturgess was.

5. Ashlee Simpson

Most recently seen in: 2008 Kids Choice Awards
Last time she was hot: 2008 Kids Choice Awards, but still doesn’t look healthy



She was the less-cute sister of Jessica Simpsons, but thanks to silicone, collagen, rhinoplasty and crash diets, she now looks like a supermodel. But that’s not a good thing. It might work for a bulimic supermodel, but for a girl who could have been America’s sweetheart, she looks less like her former self than Michael Jackson does.

4. Angelina Jolie

Most recently seen in: Beowulf
Last time she was hot: Beowulf (hell, they can do a lot with CGI)



Not too long ago, I saw a tabloid compare photos of Jolie’s scrawny, veiny arm to that of geriatric Clint Eastwood. And you know what? Sometimes tabloids are right. This once hot chick has gotten way too thin. Have you seen the trailers for Wanted? Give me back the Gia days, baby!

3. Lindsay Lohan

Most recently seen in: I Know Who Killed Me
Last time she was hot: Herbie Fully Loaded



Granted, she’s up and down more often than Oprah lately, but let’s blame this on her lack of focus. I saw her nudie shots from New York Magazine. And while I’m impressed with her huge (but obviously fake) knockers, I just can’t get excited about the freckly femme’s whisper-thin frame. She was chubby-cheerleader cute for a while, but just a year or so ago, her weight plummeted, making her scary-thin for a while.

2. Saffron Burrows

Most recently seen in: The Bank Job
Last time she was hot: Deep Blue Sea



It’s arguable that former model Saffron Burrows ever really looked healthy. But watching this scrawny, lanky lady tower over Jason Statham in The Bank Job was enough to get her on this list. She made his evil co-star from Transporter 2 look fat. Still, that underwear shot in Deep Blue Sea was pretty nice.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow

Most recently seen in: The Good Night
Last time she was hot: Se7en



Anyone who is familiar with me as a film critic knows that I have been highly critical of Paltrow for years. But aside from her inability to act (and so many people’s inability to see that she can’t act), I detest how she is physically wasting away as she gets older. She’s one of those girls that went overboard to lose the baby weight. Now, as she enters her late 30s, that too-thin look is not working for her.

Posted by Kevin Carr (kevin@filmschoolrejects.com)

Top 10 Most Unlikely Celeb Porn Stars

10. Jackie Chan



"I had to do anything I could to make a living 31 years ago, but I don't think it's a big deal, even Marlon Brando used to be exposed in his movies," said Chan after it was revealed he starred in a Hong Kong skin flick called All in the Family.

9. Spalding Gray



To people who read The New Yorker, Gray was best known for his post-modern, hyper intellectual monologues (and films of same), like Swimming to Cambodia. (We knew him as a smarty-pants Garrison Keillor type that made our college professors rub themselves against their desks with their eyes closed, quietly singing "When Doves Cry.")

8. Cameron Diaz



Naturally they showed up online soon after anyway. Because the Internet is as shameless as it is awesome.

7. Sylvester Stallone



Should you manage to be lucky enough to find a copy, you'll learn there's no false advertising in the title, as "Stud" belt-whips "Kitty" and services three of her friends at, sure enough, "a party." Adrian is gonna be SO pissed.

6. Arnold Schwarzenegger



There are plenty of unsubstantiated rumors floating around that Arnie went gay for pay in some early films, but he can't deny posing nude for controversial photographer and alleged "boy-loving pervert" Robert Mapplethorpe in the mid-'70s. (He also posed butt-ass-nekkid for gay magazine After Dark.)

5. Dustin Diamond



He's since capitalized on the career shift as despicably as possible, appearing at porn conventions and trying to push a line of adult products modeled after plaster molds of his man-parts. We can't think of a funny capper for that. Seriously, God save us all.

4. Jaimee Foxworth



Best known (and we use that term VERY loosely) as youngest daughter Judy Winslow on the TV show Family Matters, poor, poor Jaimee Foxworth was written out of the show without explanation, presumably to make more room for the subtle, nuanced comic stylings of Steve Urkel. (In one scene, he might say "Cheese" in an annoying voice! In another, he'll simply fall face-first into Carl's lap! You never know-he's that versatile!)

4. Joanie Laurer



Ever since her WWE star faded, Joanie Laurer's mounted an exhaustive ongoing campaign to prove to everyone that she has an honest-to-goodness, totally for-reals vagina, evidently because nobody believes her for a second. Laurer followed up two Playboy spreads with the 2004 video extravaganza One Night in China (ugh), wherein her alleged lady parts are repeatedly assailed by fellow pro wrestler and alleged man X-Pac.

3. Colin Farrell



Early last year Colin Farrell attempted to block the distribution of a 13-minute sex tape he made with ex-girlfriend and Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain.

2. Jane Fonda



According to a former editor of Hustler magazine, in the early '90s Larry Flynt unsuccessfully attempted to purchase a video in which Jane Fonda (48 at the time), husband Ted Turner and an unidentified brunette share a queasily intimate moment of graphic, horrifying.

1. Tom Sizemore



We're surprised Tom Sizemore managed find time in his busy schedule of crystal meth busts and Heidi Fleiss-punching to even make a gross po#no, but unfortunately for po#nography enthusiasts everywhere, he did just that.

Posted by www.cracked.com

Top 10 Playboy Bunnies

Playboy magazine is a popular men's magazine created and run by Hugh Hefner. The magazine, along with its articles and interviews, features nude yet tasteful pictures of women. Most of the women featured in the magazine are models, but from time to time Hugh offers enough cash for a celebrity to let her guard down and bare it all. Here is the list of top ten celebrity bunnies:

10. Rachel Hunter

This New Zealand born beauty became a Sports Illustrated model in the late 1980's. She was reportedly paid close to $2 million to pose in Playboy in 2004 right after her appearance in Fountains of Wayne's 2003 video "Stacy's Mom" where she was shown in a hot bikini. Rachel's appearance in the music video obviously prompted Hefner to want to share more of her goodies with everyone.



9. Farrah Fawcett

She is known to most as the "Charlie's Angels" chick with great hair and one of the best selling bathing suit posters of all time! For a majority of her career, she resisted posing completely nude but shocked everyone when she turned up in the December 1995 issue of Playboy. That issue, which sold over 4 million copies, was the best-selling issue of the 1990s. Not bad for a woman in her 40s! Then again at the age of 50, Farrah posed for the July 1997 issue, also a big hit with the readers!

8. Stephanie Seymour

Stephanie may be best known as a supermodel and Axl Rose's girlfriend in the early 1990s. She was featured in his band Guns and Roses' music video for "November Rain" as a bride who ends up dying in the "cold, November rain!" She posed nude in Playboy twice, once in March 1991 and again in February 1993.



7. Denise Richards

Denise is probably best known as a "Bond Girl" or as the girl in the bathing suit with the hard nipples who makes out with another girl in Wild Things. She was destined to grace the pages of Playboy. So that is exactly what Denise did in December 2004.



6. Jenny McCarthy

Jenny was Playboy's 1994 Playmate of the Year, which is a huge honor for the nude modeling world! She was a model before she became an actress and activist and is famous now because we all saw her in the buff, so it does turn out to be a positive thing for some people. Go Jenny!



5. Cindy Crawford

Cindy is probably one of the most beautiful women in the world, so when she posed for Playboy in July 1988, guys rushed to the newsstand to get their copy. She was the first supermodel to pose nude and returned once more in 1998 in a more risqué nude picture. One time was clearly not fulfilling enough for this beauty. Playboy even ranked her #5 on their list of the "100 Sexiest Stars" of the 20th century.



4. Carmen Electra

Carmen also started her modeling career in the May 1996 issue of Playboy, after she had been involved with singer Prince and a brief singing/dancing career. Her spread gained her a lot of exposure and she was in the magazine three more times after that. She earned two covers, one in December 2000, the other in April 2003.



3. Kim Kardashian

Although Kim is not really a celebrity, she has one of the most talked about asses in Hollywood. So when she decided to pose for Playboy in December 2007, the world was a buzz. It's not like we all hadn't seen her expose herself in her various sex tapes, but apparently we just couldn't get enough!



2. Pamela Anderson

Pamela and her DDD's have appeared on the cover of Playboy 12 times, which makes her the most popular Playboy model. She was the February 1990 Playmate of the Year and appeared completely nude on the May 2004 cover, which was a first for her. It is reported that Pamela's very first pose for Playboy was a little more revealing than the magazine normally provides so they were forced to airbrush a certain area. Wink wink.



1. Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn was the very first nude model for Hefner. Her and her bits were featured in the first issue of Playboy in December 1953. Very scandalous for that time, Marilyn had no shame and admitted to the scrutinizing public, that it was indeed her in the pictures. When she first talked to the media about her spread, it was reported that she answered the reporter's question, "What were you wearing?" with a witty, "Chanel No. 5."



Who is your favorite celebrity Playboy bunny?