The Bachelorette: Boxing? Golf? Ashley is a Modern Day Babe Didrickson

Nice left-footed toe-tap.

Look, you can complain all you want about The Bachelorette - about how Ashley's a 6.2 (at best) and how her date last night with Babar-painting Ben was more boring than Hebrew school - but answer this: what other show on TV last night featured grown men kicking each other? What other show had a 6.2 lady practically BEGGING a dude to grind his junk into her butt while teaching her how to golf? What other show ended with a car phone salesman admitting to having suicidal tendencies? The answer is probably a couple of other shows - including Basketball Wives - that show is insane!

Last night's episode started off soooo slowwwwwly - just a bunch of white dudes wearing soft V-neck t-shirts getting excited for the mail to come - but it eventually picked up during the group date. (For the record, I also get excited when the mail comes.) Ashley's date with Ben F. was a total snoozer - talking about wine parties? what the freak is a wine party? - to the point where my friend Gilwacki (in the midst of hosting a Bachelorette / lemonade party) sensed a lack of energy in the room and brought out some pretzel rods. Minutes later, after complaining about crummy pretzel rods, it was discovered that Gil actually had a box of Entenmann's Pop'Ems in his kitchen that he was holding out on us!

Hey guys, here's a few old, mostly-stale pretzel rods. It's all we have in the house. Need to go to the store ........... what's that? Oh those? Those are nothing. Just delicious Entenmann's Pop'Ems. Yeah, we have a whole box of fresh Pop'Ems, but I didn't think you were in the mood for a delicious, glazed, plump pastry. I thought you'd prefer a dry, tasteless stick.

Gil tried to defend himself by explaining, "I'm a pretzel guy!"

Ha!

Oh, these old things?

As our snacking picked up, so did the episode.

My wife and Gil's wife sure did like that Muay Thai boxing training. A lotta pectoral muscles this week on The Bach. I'm not sure what was louder, Mickey's grunting while doing sit-ups or my wife's groaning while she watched. To be honest, it was hard to hear over my own erotic noises while knuckle deep in those Pop'Ems.

The boxing results were really surprising though, partially because of who won, but mostly because of all the kicking. That was a lotta kicking! They should call it "kicking" instead of Muay Thai boxing. Hey guys, on today's date, you're gonna have to kick each other. It's an ancient Thai tradition: kicking. Who wants to kick someone first? I don't blame them, if I were involved in a kicking match, I would kick a lot too. I was seriously shocked that Blake (who my wife calls "Slopey Shoulders") was able to outkick Lucas. And Constantine took down Nick! Even more shocking was the fact that J.P. revealed himself to be a Jew. A Jewish dude who works in construction?!?! Does he build dental offices? Law firms? Has he ever actually used a pair of pliers? Are pliers things?

Just an excuse to show my favorite footballer, Pippo Inzaghi, kicking. 

Of course the least surprising thing that happened was Ames getting his butt kicked. Poor Ames. He's so lovable - I don't care what type of syndrome he may or may not have. It was great when he returned for the evening portion of the date:

Oh my gawd, Ames, how are you?

I'm good, I'm good. Thank you Carlos. I'm gonna start with the Caesar salad. Then, I think I'll move onto the rack of lamb. Is that good tonight? Or should I have some Pop'Ems. How are the Pop'Ems?

Ashley did seem concerned for Ames though. How could you not be? He had no idea how to kick! But shouldn't Ashley have joined Ames in the ambulance when he was being taken out of the kicking ring?

All right Ames! Take care of yourself! Enjoy the Thai hospital. Hopefully you'll get outta there with the same spleen you came in with! I'll just be here with these sweaty mens. Lucas is gonna teach me how to use a lob wedge while wedging his dork into my ass cheeks.  

Ashley really showed off her cold side on the 2on1 date - sending both of those stiffs home. I'm actually surprised it took her that long. I woulda sent 'em packing as soon as I saw them wearing pocket tees.

Big date today, big date! I think I'll go with the old pocket tee. The pocket tee never fails. Might have to hold a paper clip at some point.

By the way, this guy is an idiot.

I mean, Ashley didn't even listen to Ben C's side of the story. Granted, it didn't matter, he was still wearing a pocket tee, but she just trusts the word of a car phone salesman? Shocked that she's single.

And now next week is the return of Captain Dicknose.

Who knows what sort of golf shots he's going to try and teach her? My guess is that he's going to apologize, let her down for good, and attempt to promote his business. I hope Chris Harrison kicks him.

Cause if he doesn't, there's a chance Bentley will try to introduce golf to some unsuspecting Hong Kong hotel maid - who I imagine is probably way hotter than a 6.2. What happened to the days when we learned to play golf from midgets?

Look how little his little club is!

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