The Bachelorette: I Now Understand Why That Fiji Water Costs Like $2.49

The cameraman ghost from Three Men and a Baby!

After ten weeks, four countries and only one Ames, this season of The Bachelorette came down to three dudes and their overnight dates - or, as I like to call it: a Sex Competition. For Ben and Constantine, two men with very average sized penises relaxed contestants, it was no big deal. For J.P., the Jew anxious one, it was a COUNTDOWN TO CRISIS.

ABC, realizing that they created a situation that GUARANTEED sex, pulled out a few last minute hurdles for the men to climb before the could be admitted to Ashley's deceivingly large vagina fantasy suite.

Before Ben TORE THAT ASS UP had his snugglefest, he had to pass his final challenge: A BOAT RIDE. Now I've probably been on ten boats in my life and I'm pretty sure that I barfed on every one of them. In fact, if I were slated to HAVE SEX with a woman later in the evening, I would not, could not, do anything on a boat. But Ben handled the boat quite well, by not only not barfing all over the place, but by participating in the most erotic suntan-lotion-spreading I've seen this week.

I'll take "Something No Girl Has Ever Enjoyed Doing To Me" for $400 Alex.

Also, how is it possible that NO DUDES on television have moles on their backs? This past weekend, I watched wrestling, swimming and at least twenty-three snuff films and did not see one sign of melanoma. My wife - who loves me unconditionally - still gets skeeved out any time I ask her to grease me up at the beach ... AND WE HAVE A KETUBAH!

Regardless, Ben was feeling so friggin' confident after his lube job that he had the AUDACITY to wear the world's dumbest shirt. What WAS that?!?! It was like a see-through, tucked-in, three-quarter length V-neck. On the front, I was sort-of expecting it to say "Everlast." And yet, he still had sex with a woman. God I wish I wasn't bald.

Constantine's final challenge consisted of GOING SWIMMING WITH HIS SHOES ON - ranked by ESPN's X Games as the third most difficult physical activity in the world - right behind pole vaulting and finding a shoe in your size at D.S.W. The Greek-God Salad-maker passed this test easily, leading me to believe that he has really small feet. Another reason I think he has really small feet is because he TURNED DOWN SEX with a woman.

That being said, Constantine proved to be the most real dude this show has ever had, despite the fact that he kinda talks like a girl. Like, we're going on a helicopter! OMG! Do I have food in my teeth? His relationship with whatsherface progressed like a normal person, and at times he seemed more intelligent than you would expect a Greek ogre with a GIANT cranium to be. For the record, I think he was gay.

My kinda Greek.

What Sex Competition would be complete without a national scare? ABC interrupted Ashley's time in Fiji to broadcast a crazed lunatic, who went by the name of "Ryan," as he attempted to behave more enthusiastically than any human being who has ever lived. I thought Ashley handled Ryan quite well, telling him, "You're a perfect guy on paper, but this isn't paper, this is real life, and you're a real life lunatic."

I guess this is the paragraph where I'm supposed to talk about J.P., but unfortunately there is not much to report considering he spent his entire time in Fiji playing Miss Mary Mack on the beach. I gotta say, he is one of my least favorite contestants ever (AND THAT'S SAYIN' SOMETHIN'). Really, what does he bring to the table besides a dashing smile? I mean, it's a nice smile, but does he have any personality? All he does is complain about Ashley dating other dudes. Okay, yeah, he knows the entire Miss Mary Mack song, but so do I ... with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her moley back, back, back.

So as the Sex Competish comes to a close, I guess we're supposed to care who wins. I much prefer Ben, but then again it's not up to me, it's up to sex. Sex decides everything, and sex will decide this. Based on what we've seen so far, I kinda think J.P. might be better at sex, so even though I want Ben to win, I'm predicting the Jew brings it home for Jerome.

Also, Jews are great at sex.

Hooray for Jews!

And now for the dumbest 39 seconds of your life:




Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter, Twitter. 
Eh, Twitter's kinda dumb. Look at this really cool pic of the Mop Tops instead.