The Bachelorette: So Apparently "Hometowns" is a Thing

THIS IS A REAL PERSON WITH A REAL BIKE!!!

When I say "TV", you say "My Wife Watches!"

TV! ...

My Wife Watches!

TV! ...

My Wife Watches!

When I say "Bachelorette", you say "Hometowns!"

Bachelorette! ...

Hometowns!

Bachelorette! ...

Holyyyyyyy shitballs did you see Constantine's shaved chest hair?!

Hometown dates are friggin' out of control. The fact that these dudes were EXCITED to have the Bachelorette meet their families is INSANE. Normally, people like to hide their ugly siblings, but not on the Bach! And why would anyone subject their girlfriend to a line of questioning that no human being would ever ask another human being? And how strong was the pleat in Constantine's dad's pants?!?! AMAZING.

My family is honestly so embarrassing, I spent the first five years of my relationship trying to convince my wife that I was an orphan raised by the good people at The Olive Garden. Free breadsticks! and salad.

Not shown: a pleat that could slice a man's neck.

Kinda weird that Constantine decided to show off his family's floundering restaurant. We haven't seen a customer in weeks! Let's make salad! At first I was really bothered when those waitresses were spying on Ashley and Constantine, totally neglecting their hungry customers, until I realized they had none. Probably 'cause the waitresses at Constantine's restaurant are nosey as hell.

My friend Law actually liked Constantine's family, especially his dad. "He's a good man, a good man!" Law said. This was based solely on the fact that he made lamb chops. Quite frankly, I wasn't really paying attention during Constantine's segment of the show because our viewing party was debating whether or not Constantine was circumcised (and if it mattered). We all thought he probably was circumcised and it did matter, except for my friend Emily, which led us all to assume that her husband Gil is totally not circumcised.


Ben F's family sure seemed exciting. Especially the fact that they're all suicidal. This has been great, Ben! I loved meeting your sister who's clearly in love with you. And your mother, wow, what a riot. I loved the part when she talked about her dead husband. Pass the salad!

And WHAT THE FREAK happened in JP's past relationship that made his family so friggin' protective of him? Was he so heartbroken that he spent six months just barfing all over the place? Please Ashley, don't hurt him. Seriously. Look me in the eye and say you won't hurt him. LOOK ME IN THE EYE. He can't take it. We can't take it. WE. CAN'T. TAKE. IT. There was so much barf. THERE WAS SO MUCH BARF!



Show this picture to JP and watch a grown man barf all over himself.


I still remember the first time I brought my wife home to my parents' house. It wasn't necessarily a barfapalooza, but still a nightmare. I can remember pulling up to the house like it was yesterday ...

All right Dar, I know it's raining, but we gotta park on the street because our next door neighbors The Gratterollies are getting a little too possessive of the driveway these days. And make sure when you walk towards the house to make wild helicopter motions with your hands to block the cob webs. Oooohh, there's Mr. Spidey now! 


Well here we are, the front door. Yeah, it's locked. Perfectly nice suburb, but around fifteen years ago The Gratterollies got a shovel stolen from their front porch, so it's lock-city here now. Go ahead, ring the bell, my mother should answer the door in around 15 minutes. I guess we could get the spare key from The Gratts. Maybe we should just go. 


Oh heyyyyyy, my dad answered the door, awesome. Dar, this is my father, Mort - and yes those are real tightie whities - and yes those are his actual testicles hanging out of his tightie whities. And this is my mom, Ruth. Mom, it's fine, you don't need makeup. Yes, we took our shoes off. Yes, we can see Dad's balls. No, The Gratteroli's didn't make us park in the street, we just figured it'd be easier. Yes, yes, Dad does have nice balls. No, I'm not ashamed of his balls, I just don't want to look at them. I'm not neglecting his balls, Mom. Yes, we have very similar balls. I'm very thankful. Thank you, Dad.


Oh, and this is my brother, Lionel. No Lionel, we don't need Mom to make us scrambled eggs. We actually just ate. Olive Garden. I know, free breadsticks. No, we didn't bring any breadsticks with us. I'm sorry Lionel. No, there's none in Dar's purse. Lionel, please get your hand out of my girlfriend's purse. Fine, fine, Mom, can you please make us some scrambled eggs? Lionel, please. Mom? Where's Mom? Oh good, she's spying on the Gratterolis. Dad, please take your balls out of Dar's purse. 

I really really hope JP reads this blog. Also, I KINDA HATE JP!

My parents happen to like Dar very much, but that doesn't really matter - I didn't need their approval. In fact, I don't really understand why all these dudes on The Bachelorette need their parents to like Ashley. Law put it best, "Why should I care if my mom and sisters approve - as long as I'm bringing home that bomb-ass p*ssy?"

Overall, the hometown dates this year were kind of a snooze, but getting a glimpse of the dudes' families certainly helped explain why they all wear bracelets. Also, WHY THE FREAK do all these dudes wear bracelets?!?!

This whole show is mind-blowing ... the participants, the haircuts, the fact that the host works for around 12 minutes every week, the way that people in the highest tax bracket live, the way Ames runs, carriage rides, CARRIAGE RIDES?!, Ames's vocabulary, ASHLEY'S TATTED UP SISTER, that greek dude making it rain!, the fact that they filmed an entire episode in Taiwan and I didn't see one twelve year-old shortstop ... WHAT A TELEVISION SHOW!

I honestly can't take it. The Bachelorette finds the worst/best/strangest/most amazing/saddest/weirdest/Ames'est people ever. The show is an emotional roller coaster filled with lunatics.  There's only one other show that collects and promotes more bizarre people. That show of course is ...

WHEEL ...


OF ...

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ !

No idea what's going on here. Also, how is "THING" a category? ... SO UNFAIR!

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Also, RIP to the inventor of the actual wheel on Wheel of Forch, Ed Flesh. He was 79er.