Sister Wives: AKA 1,000 Words That No One Will Ever Possibly Read

A lotta patterns going on in those sweaters in the back row.

Sundee night's season premiere of Sister Wives pulled a 0.7 Nielsen rating, which means that if I have 500 loyal readers, approximately one reader's left earlobe watched the show.

So here's a quick synopsis about the TLC program: Sister Wives follows around a polygamist dude (with a terrible haircut and aversion to sunscreen) and his four wives and their 3,000 children. That's really all you need to know. If you need more information, you can read this 1,000 word post that I wrote about SW last Spring that even I didn't read.

For the record, that's what I'm calling Sister Wives now, "SW." Although every time I write "SW" I think of "SWV", quite possibly the greatest recording group in the history of music. So maybe I'll call it something else. I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out.

I'm honestly amazed that you're still reading, so let me just stop and say "thank you." The fact that you're still reading really says something about your loyalty to TVMWW. Or maybe you're just a huge SWV fan and are hoping for some updates on the group throughout the post (one of the ladies married Eddie George!). Now's probably a good time to mention that my wife DOES NOT think that SWV are that great, showing that she not only has terrible taste in reality television, but also in music and erotica.

Yeah, I'm just gonna straddle this giant barrel. Is that all right?

Back to Law and Order: SV, where Season 2 seems to be all about the children - who along with the family were forced to flee Utah amid a scandal and lawsuit for the much calmer waters of LAS VEGAS. And this of course makes total sense, because if you were to move your morally conscious and churchgoing family away from trouble, YOU'D OBVIOUSLY MOVE THEM TO LAS VEGAS - a city where you can literally pay a woman to have sex with you.

Now I must admit, I've only been to Vegas once and it didn't really count because I was 15 and with my family, but I still feel qualified to speak on the subject because I'm an EXPERT at paying for sex. In fact, my wife and I play a little nightly game called "Pay Me For Sex" where I give her money and she has sex with me. IT'S REALLY FUN but she has also wiped out both my bank account and my ability to naturally produce a boner.

To make their transition easier, the polygamist family gathered all of their children together and expressed that they wanted them to join a youth group at a local church. But then one of the wives started crying and one of the kids objected (and to be honest, I wasn't really paying attention because I was trying scrounge up some change to support my sex habit). So instead, the parents threw their kids a good ole fashioned pool party with some of their new friends from PUBLIC SCHOOL. This allowed the viewers a glimpse into how hard it must be to be a teenager raised by a group of polygamists in Las Vegas.

Now, when you're a super popular blogger with a blog that Texas Longhorn cheerleaders link to, you have to be careful when blogging about children. It's not their fault that their parents put them on these shows, so it's not really fair to go after them ... BUTTTTTTTTTTT, there was this one kid who during the party stayed up in his room the entire time playing computer games. He didn't come down once. Didn't eat any Cheetos, didn't sniff any public school girls, just stayed in his room conquering magical lands with magical trolls. This was also the same kid who did not want to join the youth group and expressed himself by shaking his head and muttering something undecipherable. Oh, he was also sitting on the floor because their living room can't accommodate 3,000 family members.

And I don't blame the kid!

Obviously, as a 34 year old blogger who has to pay for sex, I would've joined the party and paid women for sex. But as a teenager, I woulda been just as scared as he was.

At my first ever co-ed sleepover in 5th grade, when it was time to go to bed, I climbed into my sleeping bag and took off my pants (THINKING WE WERE GOING TO SLEEP). Minutes later, around 17 flashlights came on and everyone wanted to play Truth or Dare. I didn't participate, partially because I was scared but mostly because I was just in my tightie-whities. So I pretended to go to sleep until Karen Durkowitz was dared to climb into my sleeping bag with me. OH HAYYY-LLLL NO. A compromise was reached and she laid on top of my sleeping bag while I shuddered in my underwear. I was also REALLY warm.

This poor kid is going to have a really hard time finding himself in Sin City, but I'm really excited to watch SW this year. Then again, maybe he'll find his niche. Despite the debauchery, methamphetamines and the whole paying for sex thing, I guess Vegas does have a history of some family-friendly activities available.

Just Whoopi Goldberg standing with a giant shark. That's all. 

The UNLV Runnin' Rebels of the early 90's were certainly wholesome. It was probably great fun to take the kids to see a good ole fashioned basketball game filled with great sportsmanship and men who have probably never had to pay for sex EVER. Plus, their mascot was A SHARK - A GIANT STUFFED SHARK - after their coach's nickname, "Tark the Shark." Do you realize how amazing that is? That's like if the Boston Celtics ditched that whole leprechaun guy and had a giant stuffed doctor running around during time-outs. Vegas was also home to the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (G.L.O.S.W.V) who taught little girls across the world that some Japanese women are VERY overweight.  And then of course there's the whole paying women for sex thing.

Hmm, come to think of it, maybe raising a family in Vegas isn't such a bad idea. Sure, most young girls end up smoking meth and charging men for sex, but there's probably some people raised there who went on to live happy, wholesome lives.

Like Andre Agassi.

Or Jenna Jameson.

It's way too fucking hot there, isn't it?!?!





Last Friday on Twitter, I gave away a FREE TVMWW t-shirt. YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. Follow TVMWW here. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, look at this picture of a hot dog coated in french fries.

Sister Wives: I Get It. Seriously, I Get It

These understanding women have no problem living with a husband who grows hair out of his chin.

If you've never been to a one-year-old's birthday party, let me describe the scene to you:

There's some 7 layer dip, some parents there who aren't REALLY friends with the hosts (but have a kid the same age and thus have become friendly with the hosts), and a bunch of one-year-olds walking around with no particular destination in mind. Behind every one-year-old is a parent chasing after them with their arms stretched out like zombies, normally hunched over a bit, the same way that Tim Duncan gives interviews.

If you sit back in the corner and watch, it's amazing. The parents follow around their kids constantly: ... kid walks by, parent follows ... different kid walks by, parent follows ... same kid as before is back, there's his dad ... oh, this kid wants to go check out the screen door, here comes his mom four steps behind ... another little snot tries to eat the dog's food, dad is right behind to swipe away the bowl ... watch out for those stairs little guy, oh, your mom is on your tail. It's exhausting to watch and I imagine it's even more grueling for parents, who essentially are doing the Shuttle Run for around two straight hours.

Rachel Steiner and Rosa Feinberg follow their children at Timmy's first bday party.

In my opinion, the solution is simple: which is why I've invented The Four Corners. Instead of following your kid around all day, each parent is stationed to a corner and is responsible for supervising the kid(s) in his/her area. It's like a dog park, you don't run after your dog the entire time, you just sit back, keep an eye on your dog and make sure the dog in front of you is not doing too much raping. No more chasing after children. No more zombie walks. Sure, the parent who is stationed next to the ball-pit is going to have the busier day, but parents can work in shifts. When that parent needs some pierogies, another parent can relieve him. It takes a village to raise a child. This is communal living.

I have been advocating communal living for years. My wife and I have even discussed which friends of ours we'd most like to live communally with. The Mormons and the Amish are onto something (I have no idea if this is how the Amish live, but they seem to always be together making Birch Beer). If you've watched The Sister Wives on TLC, you'll see a progressive family that is filled with love and sharing (and is in desperate need of a makeover from Stacey and Clinton).

Couples these days get burnt out! Between working and yoga and fantasy football and parenting and blogging about stuff and actually paying attention to your kids and making dinner and pretending that homework is important and trying to get your kid to be a point guard, it's hard work! You need help! And the Brown Family works together, shares chores and responsibilities and loves each other unconditionally. The sister wives provide each other with female companionship and emotional stability that no male can provide. It actually makes sense ... although most women (like my wife) would seriously slice the other wives' throats with a key.

My quick thoughts on the show:

- The patriarch Kody needs to use sunblock. He's a nice enough guy, but his sun-glass burn is a little too extreme and if he doesn't do something about it soon, he's going to look like Mike Shanahan. Also, the dude needs a proper haircut.

Watch out Kody ... this could be you!

- Kody does a nice job of saying all the right things and treats his wives with respect, but clearly the reason he's doing this is because he likes to have sex with other women. And it's no surprise that his newest wife is the most attractive.

- How does Kody afford four wives and sixteen children? I often don't get ham on my egg and cheese croissant at Dunkin' Dones because I'm trying to save money. He seems to be doing all right. Maybe he doesn't spend money on haircuts?

- Wife #1: Meri - the first wife is clearly the most emotionally unstable, which makes sense considering she had Kody first. My wife likes her the best, but I can't get past her constant layer of black eyeliner.

- Wife #2: The Fat One - poor fat one, I'm guessing she wasn't always this fat.

- Wife #3: - The One Who Just Had a Baby - I like her the best, although I don't remember her ever saying or doing anything this season ... proabably why I like her the best.

- Wife #4: - The New One - The attractive one who's not really attractive ... is probably much more flexible than the others in bed ... I get it.

- How many vegetables go unused in that house? My wife is always buying loads of vegetables, like giant leaves of green stuff that have red things down their stalks and we never use all of them. Even on a good week when we make some asparagus and sweet potatoes we still have a ton of mushrooms or carrots that go unused. This drives me bananas.

- Lastly, and most obviously, how the freaps'd does that guy deal with having four wives? I know, I know, such a cliche, male centered question, but seriously, FOUR WIVES?!?! ... For the past three months I tried to grow the world's longest beard and this DID NOT make my wife happy (especially when I would fluff it out like an Amish dude) ... (and not surprising that all of my friends loved it) ... well, when I finally shaved it (into a mustache obviously) she was still NOT HAPPY. Did she really think that I wasn't going to give myself a mustache?!?! This guy Kody has to deal with FOUR WOMEN constantly telling him that his mustache is gross! ... Although, now that I think about it, he has that scruffy little chin-hair thing and they don't seem to have a problem with it ... what's wrong with these people?!?!