True Blood: Starring My Good Pal, Seymour Buttz

How many scenes do I have to show my bare-butt this week? Eleven?!?

My friend Nate once made this short film called "Attack of the Rumpback Whales," where a bunch of floating butts (Rumpbacks) terrorize Lake Tahoe by farting like crazy. "Rumpbacks" was a play on the word "humpbacks," as in "humpback whales," with "rump" being a synonym for "butt." Just having to explain those last two sentences makes me angry at how dumb the movie was.

THAT BEING SAID, here is a screen shot of some floating butts (one of which may or may not belong to me).

Those are floating butts.

Beauuuuuutiful Lake Tahoe. 

This is a guy punching a butt. 

As you can see, that's quite a collection of soft, round butts - but those butts PALE in comparison to the amount of bare-butts featured on True Blood. The show is filled with butts. Male butts. Female butts. Black butts. White butts. I mean, that's basically all the kinds of butts. So let's break down all of the butts we've seen on True Butt and figure out who has the softest, roundest butt of them all.

The Merlotte Brothers - Sam and WhatsHisFace have probably showed off their butts more than any other characters. And this makes total sense - because they're shape-shifters, and shape-shifters have to disrobe in order to turn dogs and frogs and chickens and alligators - it just makes total sense! There have even been a few scenes where the brothers actually showed off their butts right next to each other - the ole Double Butt Bonanza. Clearly Sam has the softer and rounder butt of the two (the other guy's butt has emotional problems), but a few weeks ago WhatsHisFace showed off a little more than we asked for.

When WhatsHisFace was shifting into a human for the first time - and okay, it's time that I take a stab at his real name, I say it's Rickey! ... nope, just checked IMDB, it's Tommy - he was wearing nothing but low-rise jeans - no underwear - and you could totally see the top of his pubes sprouting out. Now, I don't know if you've ever seen the top of a dude's pubes during normal everyday activity, but it's VERY distracting, whether it's on an HBO TV show or in real life. I actually have a relative who REFUSES to use air-conditioning during the summer, and walks around his apartment with his pubes just popping out all over the place. Try to have a conversation with a dude showing off top-pubes some time - it's impossible.

Weird Relative of Mine:  Oh, hey Ev, what's going on? What'd you do this weekend?

Pubes sprouting out of the top of his jeans. Trying not to look down (IMPOSSIBLE) and hold an actual conversation.

Me:  Uhhhh, yeah, this weekend? Um, ya know, just pubed around a little. Nothing much, just some minor pubing. Pubing down the Delaware. Yup, just pubing. Down the ole, uh, down the ole Delaware. Let's see, what else?

Weird Relative of Mine:  The Delaware?! Ughh, that river is disgusting.

Me:  Yeah, yeah, totally disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. And yeah, went to Pubington's afterwards. Pubington's Country Pubes. Great place, did a little shopping. Have you been there? To Pubington's? Great place ... lots of um, lots of um, lots of pubes there, pubik zirconium, sorry, what was the questi ...?

Weird Relative of Mine:  Pubington's? What's that? Is that a store? What do they have there?

Me:  Yeah, Pubington's. Great store. Great store that Pubington's ... they sell, uh, y'know, Pubik's cubes, they got Pubik's cubes there, those are fun ... a little scraggly, does your air conditioner not work? What's going on here?

Weird Relative of Mine:  Rubik's cubes?!?! They still make those?

Me:  Sure, yeah, Rubik's pubes. They got those. Got 'em everywhere. Just sprouting up. Great pubage. They got great pubage there. And Brillo pads. Lots of those. Lots of Brillo. They're just creeping out there, huh? No scissors in the house? Couldn't invest in some scissors?

Completely hairless. 

Sookie Stackhouse and Eric Northman - I imagine Sookie and Eric are totally pubeless, but it's hard to tell considering they've just been showing off their butts the last few weeks (while having the most boring, romantic, lame sex ever). I like Sookie's butt, I really do, very soft, very round, the exact kind of butt you want your leading lady to have, but it's not quite as smooth as Eric's Swedish butt, which is really not surprising because Scandanavians traditionally have VERY smooth butts. You can't really compete with thousands of years of evolution, can you? Am I right, Guðrún Eva Mínervudóttir?

I've actually been getting mad at their butts recently because they've been bopping 'em around outside at night without using any bug spray!! Who in their right mind has sex outside PERIOD, let alone in mosquito-filled Louisiana?! Insane. That's why this show is far-fetched. My butt would be torn up.

You can't fool me with those googly eyes Mr. Mosquito! ... You're still evil!

We sure haven't seen Bill's butt in a while - now that he's the President of the Vampires or something, he keeps his butt covered up - but I imagine we'll see it again soon. I'm also pretty surprised that they never show the demon baby's butt. His butt is probably so soft and round, unless he's got butt-rash, which I imagine is very possible if you're a demon baby. Jessica has shown off a lot of midriff and cleave action, but I don't ever remember seeing her bare butt. I'm pretty sure I'd remember that.

The last two folks may actually have the softest and roundest butts.

Terah and Jason - a major butt sandwich, like the Turkey Club of butts. I gotta be honest, I have no idea what I'm talking about or where I'm going with this butt post. Am I supposed to decide who has the softest and roundest butt? This is what goes for a blogpost these days? I should just ask Nate his opinion. Actually, maybe I'll text him right now.

Me:  Who has the softest, roundest butt on True Blood? In your opin.

Nate:  Was actually watching when you texted. That show is starting to make me actively uncomfortable.

Me:  Yeah, but I seriously need an answer. It's for the blorg.

Nate:  Wasn't that an answer? The show is making me squirm. I don't need any more asses, give me titties!

Me:  Agreed, but I need to know who you think has the softest, roundest.

Nate:  I refuse to give that any further thought. I'm off asses for the rest of the week after watching that episode.

Well, there you have it folks, Nate is an asshole!

Watch your back, yo!

Watch "Attack of the Rumpback Whales" in it's 9 minute entirety here. 
Or just check out this enormo-fish!

True Blood: Eric Northman is Completely Zorped and So Am I

Like looking in a mirror.

Have you ever ordered a pizza with "the works?" I did once, not because I necessarily wanted a pizza with the works, but because I wanted to order a pizza with the works. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was kind-of excited to eat a pizza with the works, but it was more about the fun of ordering a pizza with the works.

The pizza with the works was fine - not great - but fine. The main problem was that it was just way too soggy because of all the toppings (literally). I may as well have just ordered a pizza with anchovies, because that's pretty much all you taste when you order a pizza with the works. 

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT, EV?

True Blood's got too many motherf*cking toppings on their pizza.

At first, it was an okay show about vampires eating people, except for one vampire who was in love with a lady with freshly shaved armpits. Some people approved, others were anti-vampire, no one could argue with how smooth Anna Paquin's armpits were. People said the show was a metaphor for gay rights - I contend it was an infomercial for the Gillette Venus.

Then they added that crazy maenad lady - who got everybody in town to bone each other - possibly a metaphor for Ke$ha.

Now, the writers have gone bonkers - adding anything and everything to the True Blood storyline. Currently, the show features:

- fairies
- witches
- werewolves (who spend WAY MORE than seven minutes on their abs by the way)
- shape-shifters
- panthers (actually, meth-selling panthers)
- regular panthers (wait, are there regular panthers?)
- MMA fighting lesbians (probably the dumbest plotline yet)
- shamans
and
- a demon baby (WHO IS ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING BY THE WAY!)

And for the record, let me just say that the only thing in this world more terrifying than a demon baby is a person who enjoys jogging.

It's too much! There's all these characters, all these storylines, when really all we care about is whether or not Sookie is going to double log-jammed by Eric and the werewolf guy.

Ke$ha donning literally THE BIGGEST COAT in the world.

I feel like Eric Northman (who was recently zorped by a witch and has no idea what's going on) is a metaphor for the writers. They're completely zorped right now, staring at their scripts with absolutely no idea what to do. They've piled on way too many toppings and are wandering around HBO's offices with pizza that's way too heavy for their paper plates. They've completely forgotten what pizza is supposed to taste like.

Last week when that truck pulled up to rescue Jason Stackhouse, I thought he was about to be saved by zombies, or mummies, or giant frogs. I feel like this conversation could happen at any moment:

Sheriff Bellefleur:  Zoinks, Scoob! Guess what I just saw in town?

Lafayette:  Oh motherf*cker, what now?

Sheriff Bellefleur:  A financial planner!

Lafayette:  Hooker, please tell me you're f*cking kidding.

Sookie:  Oh, no. Uh uh. I am NOT getting involved with a financial planner. Not after all that I've been through.

Eric:  Hmmm, a financial planner? I could use a financial planner. 

Sookie:  Stop it Eric! This is a serious problem! Financial planners are dangerous!

Jesus:  Was he with anyone? Like maybe a young professional's group? Maybe a Jewish organization that meets on Wednesday nights?

Sheriff Bellefleur: I dunno, I just saw him and he was giving out business cards. I think he invited me to a brunch where he was going to give a power point presentation.

Sookie:  Eric! What are you doing?!?!

Eric:  Just showing off my pelvic bone.

Lafayette:  Sook, you best get this motherf*cker away from me - I'm not trying to end up in no dungeon and I ain't rolling over my 401K. Hooker, why did you bring Eric Northman here? Are you out yo cott-damn mind? He's 1,000 years old! The only motherf*cker older than him is Kirk Douglas! Look at that pelvic bone!

Terah:  Pelvic bone! I knew I shouldn't have come back here. Blah blah motherf*ckin blah. Wah wah wah. (That was supposed to be a whiny voice.)

Jason Stackhouse:  Um, guys? A group of panthers ate my entire ribcage. Can you please help me? I'm literally turning into a panther. I'm a human, but now I'm going to be a panther. Can we please just take a second and think about that? I would seriously rather be a financial planner - or even a mortgage broker - than turn into a panther. Also, the person who writes this blog would just like to take this moment to mention that he always thought that Jerry Stackhouse sucked at basketball.

Chef Stackhouse: only a slightly better cook than Chef Shawn Bradley.

BUT HERE'S THE THING ... EVEN WITH ALL OF THESE DUMB-ASS STORYLINES, PIZZA'S STILL PIZZA! ... AND THIS PIZZA IS NOT THAT TERRIBLE!

Even when you've had enough of this show - AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH - these zorped writers still bring you back with a semi-decent episode. They put in just enough Jessica bra shots or Jason Stackhouse zingers to keep you coming back.

And now here we are, with a cliffhanger before the Darth Vader / Luke Skywalker confrontation between Bill and Eric. My wife is pulling for Eric. She has seriously been waiting four years to see Eric Northman and Sookie Stackhouse have sex. Personally, I'd rather see Sookie have sex with that werewolf guy.

HE IS FRIGGIN' JACKED!

I think he's the anchovies.

I also have absolutely no idea what a metaphor is.

I think what I'm trying to say here is: two toppings is really the maximum amount of toppings you should ever have on a pizza - if you go with more, you're entering Soggsville. Except for Hawaiian which is seriously like the perfect pizza. So I guess the werewolf guy is the pineapple, and the panthers and the shape-shifters are the extra cheese and black olives.

Terah is the anchovy.

That lady can suck my crank.

The best Jerry (Stackhouse), the best.

Think these posts are WAY too long? Then follow TVMWW on Twitter - it's much shorter!
Or, just check out this picture of me and my friends from my recent bachelor party.

True Blood: S4:Ep1 - Apparently I'm Putting Episode #'s In the Title These Days

Clockwise starting top left: dumb, dope, craziest bitch in TV history, tightest T-shirts ever, barf, annoying, sundresses, ruff ruff.

You can tell a lot about a person by their favorite TV show. For examps, folks who like Glee probably also enjoy waking up early. Law and Order fans most likely have daddy issues. Intervention fans are sickos. Seriously, they are sick people. How can you watch families going through that? My favorite show is a tie between Wipeout and Hallo! Bundesliga - draw your own conclusions from that one. My wife, well, she's a True Blooder.

I remember the first time my wife told me about True Blood - it was very early on in the show and I had come home late (I think I was out somewhere watching Wipeout) - and she described True Blood to me as we were going to sleeps:

There's this lady, and she likes this vampire, but nobody likes the vampires - and this guy was trying to kill the lady, but her friend who's actually a dog saved her by being a dog and barking. And then they woke up in the morning and the dog was actually a guy and he was naked. Also, I watched three episodes of Law and Ords tonight!

It was at that moment when I knew I never wanted to watch True Blood.

Horse or Sam Merlotte? ... WHO KNOWS?!?!

But I'm a good husband and I understand that sometimes you have to show interest in your partner's interests, especially when it's something that they're really excited about. So I gave it a shot for Season One, but almost punched a wall when they found René's "Cajun Accents for Dummies" cassette in his car. Possibly the dumbest thing I've ever seen on television - and that's really saying something - because just minutes before some guy who's actually a dog saved a chick and then turned back into a guy.

So what kind of person likes True Blood? And what kind of woman am I married to?


I think you can break True Blood fans into three types of people:

1. Perverts

This is my wife's group. Every time True Blood starts and HBO flashes that "N" on the screen for "nudity," my wife puts both of her arms in the air and yells, "nudityyyy!" This past Sundee, she was struggling with a sore throat so instead she just stuck her right fist out in front of her - like MJ's buzzer-beater when he was with the Wizards. She also clenched her jaw. It was the most serious I've ever seen her.

Every True Blood ep is good for some ridiculous sex or at the very least, AT THE VERY LEAST, Jason Stackhouse sweating profusely with his shirt off. We've seen Eric Northman tying chicks up, the famous 360 degree headspin sex scene, and last Sundee, Terah (aka the dumbest character on television) had a little lezbo action with some white lady.

If this is the type of dude my wife is into and I look NOTHING like this, what does that say for the state of our marriage?

Quick segue: Terah is the DUMBEST character on television. She starts off gaga for Sam, then she falls in love with that Eggs guy who was even dumber than her (a barefoot black dude with a guitar? c'mon!), I think I remember her doing something with Jason, and now she's an underground MMA superstar in New Orleans? Also, why is she checking her text messages while she's getting in on with another chick? So rude! The only acceptable reason for checking your phone during sex is to see if you've been Re-Tweeted, because there is NOTHING more exciting than getting Re-Tweeted. TRUTH!

Next group of True Blood idiots:

2. Vampire / Dungeon and Dragon Dorks

The opening scene for this season featured evil fairies (or witches?) throwing lightning balls at Sookie and Lumbergh from Office Space while they tried to escape from fairy land. What? I honestly felt like True Blood was just taking advantage of a bigger budget from HBO and wanted to have some explosions. I can't get into all this werewolf stuff either, which is strange, cause you would think that I'd like wolves who eat people. I think the folks that are into the D&D are the same people who are dying to see Green Lantern. These are also people who order sandwiches without tomatoes. For the record, I'm dying to see Green Lantern. He's green! Also, during the season when Maryann was jacking people up, I totally stayed up til around 5:30am one night doing research on maenads. It was exhilarating.

Another segue: I saw a billboard for the new Harry Porter movie this weekend and Harry had a magic wand that was blasting stuff. Um, Harry Porter uses magic wands?!?! I honestly had no idea. Does he use it as a weapon? Or to move stuff? I read the first book way back when, but I don't remember any magic wands. I also don't remember Hermione looking anything like she looks like now. Zowzers.


Also, can someone PLEASE explain to me what the deal is with these Dr. Dre headphones? Aren't they just headphones? Do they have a cord that never gets tangled or something? Because that's what I'm looking for in a pair of headphones. I seriously think my father has around 37 pairs of those spongy red headphones in his sock drawer from the various Sony Walkmen he's used over the years, and every one of them does the job just as well as Dr. Dre headphones. I mean, I get it, I see that the world is yearning for more comfortable headphones ever since Apple tried to destroy our eardrums with those plastic, white ear-jammers, but $300 headphones?!?! I honestly can't believe anyone watches Glee!

Another wrist-to-wrist move?! What am I missing here? I don't understand this world.

Next group!

3. HBO Die-Hards

These are the folks that will tune in to anything on HBO - aka people who are still trying to convince you that Treme is worth watching. These are also the same people who like Turtle from Entourage and think HBO Real Sex is a documentary about sexuality, when really it's just a bunch of True Blood fans wearing dog collars.

Last segue (and honestly I like writing the segues more than stuff about True Blood): That guy "E" from Entourage is the worst character in the history of television. Even worse than Terah. I mean, what a tweedle-dick. It PAINED me to watch him get with hot chicks on that show even though it's just fiction. I understand that it's not real, I understand that E is not actually a real person with a really stupid nickname - not a real person who constantly complains and worries and tells people not to take bong hits because they have an interview to get to - but still, what a tweedle!

Trivia: is this a scene from True Blood? HBO Real Sex? or Hallo! Bundesliga?

So the bottom line is, yeah, True Blood is dumb, but it does have its momes. I understand why it's crazy popular. It hits on a few major demographics of people in this world: pervs, dorks, and cable TV subscribers - that's a pretty good formula for success. And let's face it, the 360 degree headspin sex scene was totally bonkers and I do thoroughly like Pam the Vampire. I also liked when that Russell guy ripped some dude's heart out and was yelling at everyone. And I think this crazy René baby has some potential. I also think it's nice for my wife to stock her brain with endless Eric Northman material to masturbate to. I'm happy for her. I really am.

I just kinda wish she wouldn't moan SO loudly every time Eric appears on screen. And asking me to grow long blond hair is a little much. Then again, it could be nice for her to dress up like a witch and throw fireballs at my crotch.

I truly have no idea what I'm talking about.

I honestly only put this picture up here to get some Harry Potter fans to come to my website.

So last night I live tweeted an adult rec league indoor soccer match. Probably the dumbest thing to ever be tweeted. Sounds like something you might be interested in? Click here to follow TVMWW on Twitter.

Wednesday's Wifey: Vampire Pam from True Blood

Pretty sure she's holding cuticle cream. 
By the way, NOBODY loves cuticle cream as much as my wife. 

True Blood started this past Sundee (blogpost to come in the next 3-17 business days), a show that I loathe, and my wife LURVES. But there is one character who I really like, Pam the Vampire.

Kristin Bauer (no relation to Matt Lauer) is a blatant smokedog whose IMDB page says "(she) grew up in Wisconsin playing sports, riding horses and shooting guns." It goes on to say some other stuff like she likes to paint and save animals and blah blah blah, tell me more about the gun shooting, and later mentions that she's married to Abri van Straten, a musician from the band, The Lemmings.

Clearly I thought, all right Kristin, The Lemmings, I don't know who they are, but they sound cool, he's probably dope ... but then I googled him ... check this dude out!

Oh hello there. Just sitting back in my favorite jaguar-print chair with my entire chest cavity exposed. Oh this? This is just my giant guitar. Would you like to hear me play it? Really, it's no trouble at all. I'm not wearing shoes.

Obviously that googling led to more googling, so let's take a closer look at these two through the lens of Google images.

Ahhh, the sweet smell of the wind. I love the way it tickles my hair and reveals this ancient pebble dangling from my neck. I found this stone on the floor of the Caspian Sea - between a seahorse and a Chipwich wrapper. I honestly didn't even know they still made Chipwiches. Did I mention my name is Abri?

Oh awesome, you've got the guitar out again. Are you gonna play that song where you sing about your feelings? The one where you wear a linen shirt. Oh good, you are. Awesome. I'm so glad that I got married before I was famous.

Honey, please. Can we take one goddamn picture without the guitar? It's not like you're even actually playing it. The people looking at this picture can't hear it. I'm looking smoking hot here and you're playing a G chord. Also, I have the f*ucking smoothest armpits in the world.

Ahhh yes, the ole wrist-to-wrist flutter move. THAT'S what drew me to you. And also the fact that we use the same cuticle cream - although you put it in your hair - which is nice for you! Let's go get Chipwiches!

How good were these?! ... Look at that guy's beard!