Parks & Recreation: The Evster & Dave Email About Parks & Rec, a Sitcom Renaissance, & the New Print Feature

I'd live in Pawnee, Indiana.

Evster's note: the following post is pretty long; I'm talking Long Duck Dong long. So instead of just skimming the post and checking out the pictures, why not try out the new TV Me Weef Wooches PRINT FEATURE at the bottom of the page? Just scroll down, print this out, and then read this authentic piece of literature on the train, or on the can, or do what I like to do: print it out, and tape the pages to your computer monitor; and then go out and do something else. Thank you and good duck.

Welcome to another edition of Conversations With Someone Else, where I exchange emails with anyone who has a working email account to discuss the world of entertainment. Today's guest is Dave, a blogger who blogs the blog Where Is Ben Rivera. I have never actually met Dave, but we are currently exploring a very creepy internet friendship. Dave's blog is all about Philly sports and professional wrestling, but he also claims to be a sitcom expert, so I figured we could discuss Parks and Recreation, both Dave's and my wife's favorite show. Maybe they should be the ones exploring something. Also, my wife would TOTALLY be up for it.

Pretty sure this photo of Ben Rivera is autographed by a guy named Frank Ji Orr.

Evster: I can't figure out who my favorite character on Parks and Rec is. Sometimes I think it's the chick, and sometimes I lean more towards the husband. And when I say "the chick," I mean the chick with the really funny husband. Then again, Amy Poehler is pretty funny too. And Aziz Ansari has his moments. Oh wait, I know who my favorite is, it's Jean-Ralphio. That guy is amazing. 

Who is the best character on this show? Do we even need to pick a favorite? The answer is yes. That's what life is all about, saying certain people are better than other people. For the record, the best person ever is Jimmy Superfly Snuka. Who else could pull off leopard print tights?!?! The answer is Jean-Ralphio. 

Also, what do you think the actor's name is who plays Jean-Ralphio? I'll give you multiple choice:

a) Massimo Ambrosini

b) Sergio Ramos

c) Ben Schwartz

Dave: You’ve correctly assumed I won’t cheat on this little quiz. I’m a man of integrity. I’ll go with B) Sergio Ramos.

The biggest compliment I can give Parks and Recs is that I don’t dislike any of the characters. They are all uniquely crafted. I think Ted from How I Met Your Mother is a loser, Michael from The Office is/was too over-the-top, and I found Ted Danson’s Becker character to be very unbecoming. But I approve of everyone from P and R.

Now with apologies to Ron Swanson, who like me, is completely apathetic about his job and loves meat, my favorite character is Tom Haverford (Aziz). Since I have a finger on the pulse of the stand-up comedy scene (Meaning, I’ve watched a couple celebrity roasts on Comedy Central), I can say that Ansari is one of the better young comedians out there. He has nailed this role. For those who may be unfamiliar, here are some highlights:

(My favorite moment is around the 1:15 mark when he sings, “Thisssss is how you eat it” to the tune of Montell Jordan’s hit single). 

As for Superfly, I could write 30,000 words on Jimmy Snuka, including how his career arc mirrored that of Von Hayes’ - but I’ll spare your readers. I will say, though, that I used to take my Jimmy Snuka wrestling figure and create a tag team with Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat. I named them, cleverly (?), “The Pacific Coast Connection.” 

Evster:  I'm pretty sure The Pacific Coast Connection played my Bar Mitzvah. 

Also, I gotta be honest here, I DON'T THINK AZIZ ANSARI IS THAT FUNNY. I think he's funny, don't get me wrong, and the Snake Juice episode was one of the greatest sitcom half hours I've ever seen, but I think he's a little too shticky. Everything he does is the same note, in that hip-hop'ish mold ... for example, here's my impression of Aziz Ansari:

"So I was sitting at home yesterday eating Fruit Loops, because Fruit Loops are CRAAAAZZZZYYY, and I thought, 'Yo, I'm gonna make an actual loop out of fruit.' But it's gotta be a dope fruit, like kiwi or guava, and not some lame fruit like cantaloupe. Because cantaloupe is lame! Anyway, all I have in my house is cantaloupe, because it was on sale ... I call this cantaloops ..." ... Aziz holds up two pieces of cantaloupe shaped in circles.  

Now I'm not sure why my Aziz character turned into Carrot Top, but you get my point. 

Also, cantaloupe f**king sucks!

And Ted Danson is a pimp. Has there ever been a funnier character than Sammy "Mayday" Malone during the pathetic pining for Rebecca Howe years? The answer is yes, Jean-Ralphio.

Snork Juice

Dave:  See, I like that Fruit Loops bit. In fact, I just copied and pasted your email into my OWN email, took out Aziz’ name, and sent it to some co-workers. 

The subject line of my email: “My Cantaloupe Story.”

First reply I received: “LOL. Fruit Loops are the sh*t.”

See, Evan? That’s what sells. Plagiarism, Hip-hop, and breakfast cereal.

But…your point is well-taken. I watched Ansari do stand-up live, and aside from an older woman who kept insisting I take a handful of candies from a sandwich baggie (I declined, with the razor blades and all), my only minor complaint was that Aziz’ routine was a tad, as you call it, ‘shticky.’ He dedicated a solid ten minutes to a pretend conversation with R Kelly, which I could’ve done without.

I think it’s clear that the producers/writers molded the Tom Haverford character around Ansari’s stand-up routine. And why not? He’s had success with it. Part of the appeal of the character, for me anyway, is that Tom Haverford is doing his thing in Pawnee, IN. Just a small town boy with big city dreams. He’s no different than you or I, Ev. This gimmick obviously wouldn’t translate well in a LA or New York-based sitcom, but in Pawnee, IN? Sure, I can get behind that.

I’m glad you brought up Cheers. As you know, I’ve lived in Boston since ‘08. My biggest pet peeve is when visitors come up and want to stop into the Cheers bar for a drink. It’s the same conversation every time:

“Can we go to the Cheers bar?”

The bar looks nothing like the set. It’s really just a bar with Cheers memorabilia.

“I don’t care. It still would be cool to see it.”

*an hour later*

“This is it? It doesn’t look anything like the TV show.”

The disappointment in their eyes just breaks my heart.

Question for you: You get to play catch with one second baseman: Chase Utley or Tony Micelli. Choose carefully.

Fruit Loops are the isht.

Evster:  I am not answering your Chase Utley question because my blog blog is about television, and not baseball, and whatever followers I have who are still reading this post will not stand for more sports talk. And also I have no idea who Tony Micelli is. 

Okay, I just googled Tony Micelli. I'm picking Chase Utley. 

I love the small town charm of Parks and Rec, The Office, Roseanne, The Wonder Years, and my personal favorite sitcom, CBS Sunday Morning. In fact, I've been trying to get my wife to up and move to Minnesota for years, simply because of Coach. I went to college with a guy from Minnesota who really was the nicest and whitest person I've ever met. We once bought scalped tickets to a Sixers-Pacers playoff game and had to sit in separate sections because we could only get single seats. Towards the end of the game, I looked over to his section and he was sharing one of those pound / handshake / hugs with the biggest, blackest dude I've ever seen. I was so proud of him. 

People say that the sitcom is dead, but I'll argue that we may be having a sitcom renaissance! ... or a sitcomssance. Actually, I will not argue that we're having a sitcommssance, that's just a stupid word that's really hard to pronounce (and spell). 

But looking back to the glory days of sitcoms, forgetting about Three's Company and What's Happening! and anything else before Alf, the current slew of programs may be the best ever. Let's break it down. 

In the mid 80's - early 90's, NBC had it's whopper Thursday night with: The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers and Night Court. 

Two of the all-time greats in Cosby and Cheers, with Family Ties creeping right behind them. Night Court was also a very solid show and Markie Post was secretly so hot. 

Be honest, you had no idea Markie Post was this hot.

Nice hosiery.

This eventually led to ABC's double dipper of Roseanne and The Wonder Years, not quite on par with the others, but two shows that were pretty darn good. The Wonder Years came along at pretty much the perfect time for my generation, and I have a friend who looks and acts EXACTLY like Kevin's brother, Wayne. Meanwhile, Fox slid in there with Married With Children and The Simpsons - maybe the best show ever, but we will not be counting cartoons in this discussion. But if we were, Family Guy and South Park would need to be mentioned along with two of my personal favorites, Dr. Katz and Home Movies. 

The 90's were pretty lame, but had Seinfeld (great, but lacked depth? ... no idea what that even means ,,, also, it's a sitcom, it doesn't need depth!) and Friends (a pretty decent show until Chandler turned into an absolute p*ssy and thus made the show unwatchable). On a smaller scale, Freaks and Geeks aka The Wonder Years part II was good, but not really an all-timer.

Over-under on how many dead-legs this guy has delivered ... 3,000?

The Larry Sanders Show introduced the mockumentary style into the equation, which later influenced Curb Your Enthusiasm, and two British shows, I'm Alan Partridge (totally worth NetFlix'ing), and in my opinion the character that led to David Brent and The Office (UK), without a doubt the best show ever.

So Ricky Gervais, Steve Coogan, Gary Shandling and Larry David all made incredible shows in the 2000's and led us to our current sitcomssance. Along with Curb and The Office (UK), the 2000's have brought us Extras, Arrested Development, Flight of the Conchords, Eastbound and Down, The Office (USA), Louie, It's Always Sunny, 30 Rock and now Parks and Rec, the last six all currently running. As Miley Cyrus would say, "And that’s, pretty kewl." 

Also, it just took me around ten minutes to italicize all of those show titles. 

Am I missing any? Please don't say Full House. PLEASE don't say Full House. That show needs it's own blog post. 

The greatest ever.

Dave:  I loved The Wonder Years. Truth be told, I love anything Savage.

The Wizard: I own the DVD.

Boy Meets World: Obsessed.

Randy: I’m still on bereavement leave.

Savage Garden: I didn’t hate ‘em…

Now, my mother loves some channel called, ION, because it airs mostly programs about non-detectives solving crimes - which, for whatever reason, my mom adores. Murder, She Wrote (Author), Diagnosis Murder (Doctor), Quincy (Medical Examiner), Father Dowling Mysteries (Priest), Numb3rs (a guy who likes math). But while sitting through another whodunit with Jessica at the Ellington Mansion, I saw a preview for an upcoming episode of The Wonder Years. I was intrigued.

And you know what, Evan? The show still held up. The Wonder Years was charming and realistic. Kid in junior high has a zit. Kid likes the girl across the street. Kid gets called a ‘butthead.’ Kid wants to be popular despite have a nerdy friend. Kid wears a jacket three sizes too small.

That kid was me!

For anyone who did not google Tony Micelli.

I’m trying to think if you left out any sitcoms above. You rattled off like forty of them. Sure, maybe you missed one or two – but good shows? Legitimate sitcoms? I’m having a hard time coming up with one. I remember thinking Dinosaurs on T.G.I.F.’s line-up was a bit before its time. Herman’s Head on Fox is standing out, but probably only because of Jane Sibbett. She was the closest thing to soft core for an eight year-old back then.

Wait, no mention of the Golden Girls? Oversight? Or just deep-rooted ageism? First, “Thank You for Being a Friend” is arguably the best theme song around. Secondly, Sophia was tiny and sarcastic. That old lady was me! And Blanche liked to get down. For a guy who dedicates fifty percent of his blog to The Bachelorette, you would think that Blanche’s escapades would be right in your wheelhouse.

Evster:  There has never been a woman more in my wheelhouse than Rue McClanahan. 

Overall, the Golden Girls was a good show, but not quite great enough to make my above list of sitcoms (I rattled off like forty of them!). 

That being said, Dinosaurs was DEFINITELY ahead of it's time, although I can't remember anything about it. There was another puppet show in the mid-80's that no one I ask about EVER remembers called Spitting Image that was fantastic. It featured a bunch of realistic-looking celebrity puppets like Ronald Reagan and Sly Stallone and possibly even Rue McClanahan. 

I guess it's time we wrap this up. I'd like to dedicate our joint post to Rue McClanahan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, the chick that Superfly Snuka choked out, as well as any other person who died while reading this long, drawn-out post. 

Any last words? Thoughts? Shout outs? NBA Finals predictions? Asphyxiation advice? 

Seriously, is there ANYONE who remembers this show?!?!

Dave:  A complaint actually. I just walked home from work and - against my better judgment - I traveled past the grocery store where the Duck Tour buses are stationed. In the warmer months, I usually take a detour.

(Think that Anti-drug commercial in the 90s, where the boy takes the long route home to avoid the drug dealers. And the narrator says, “To everyone who takes the long way home…we hear ya.”)

And why do I take a detour, Evan? Because the Duck Tour kids heckle me.

Why do you have no hair?

Why don’t your socks match?

Why do you have so much Tori Amos on your iPod?

How do you little jerks know what’s on my iPod? Nothing makes me more self-conscious than a group of kids heckling me from a duck boat. Should I wear a hat for now on? Take a cab? Download some Kings of Leon?

These little devil tourists have me running scared.

Quick shout out to Miss Ocean City 2005. The OC sun shined just a little bit brighter that year.

Evster:  That sun is dead young man. That sun is dead. 

Follow Dave on Twitter @wheresbenrivera

Follow The Evster on Twitty Twang @TVMyWifeWatches

and

Follow Miss Ocean City 2005 @ThriftyRitts

Conversations With Someone Else: A Bubbly Bride Talks About Reality Wedding Shows

These two people are not mentioned once in this post.

Welcome to another edition of Conversations With Someone Else, in which I exchange emails with a famous celebrity anyone I can find to discuss the world of entertainment. Today's guest is reality star some lady who appeared on a couple of reality shows, Annie F'ing Leib. Annie was featured on Whose Wedding Is It Anyway? and was later on an episode of the New Newlywed Game.  She and her loving husband finished in last place.

Evan: Annie, I'm sure our reader(s) would like to know just how someone gets to appear on Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?  I imagine there's some sort of interview process where they see how well you can verbally abuse your husband, boss people around and eventually have an emotional breakdown.

Annie: It's just called The Newlywed Game.

Evan: Okay Bridezills, calm down.

Annie:  I was actually approached by my "day of" wedding planner.  She was asked by the Style Network if she knew any "bubbly" brides.  Gina Sole, my planner, suggested me.  Style then called me and I said of course we want to do it!  You then send in a tape of you and your husband saying how you met, why you want to be on, etc.  We did that and got chosen.  They film you 3 days before your wedding.  8 hours a day.  They go to appointments with you and film everything up to your wedding/ceremony.

Evan: All right, I just read your last email but honestly couldn't concentrate because I just put the heat on in our house for the first time this year and it is now SIZZLING in here! If I know your husband (who is one of the hairiest people I've ever met), there's no way that you have the heat on yet at your place. Then again, you run that house with an iron fist.

What the freak is a "day of" wedding planner?!?! Should I know what this is? I mean, I can gather that it's a person who helps out on the day of the wedding, but how is that different than a "not day of" wedding planner? Does the "not day of" wedding planner just bail on the actual wedding? Or was your "not day of" wedding planner also getting married on that day and couldn't make it to your wedding? Whose wedding is this anyway?!?! 

Okay, okay, it's just called The Newlywed Game.

Annie:  On the contrary, I'm relatively hairless and I too like the heat off.  But, we do have a baby, so we meet Sam halfway and give him a personal heater.  I disagree about the hair and my husband.  Have you seen his head?  He also does not have extra orangutan-like hairy arms and legs.  Just regular.  He has great sexy chest hair though.

A "day of" wedding planner is not something a dude would ever know about.  It is perfect for someone who has a lot of family help while planning the wedding ... I.E. my mom and stepmom pretty much planned my whole shindig.  But on the day of my wedding, a wedding that both moms were in, they didn't want the stress of remembering little things like programs, Kiddush cups, or the order of our processional.  My "day of" was also my "dresser" - someone else you have to hire and pay for - she helped me into my gown, buttoned me up, made sure my boobs were perfect, fixed my lipgloss, then bustled my gown and veil after my ceremony and before my cocktail hour.  Whose Wedding is it Anyway? really focuses on the planners if you've ever watched it.  It brings them business.

Evan: "If you've ever watched it"?!? Are you insinuating that I've never seen the show? You do realize you're exchanging emails with a guy who has a blog called TV MY WIFE WATCHES?!?!

For the record, yes, I have seen the show (once); the episode you were on. My fiancee is currently into Say Yes To The Wedding Dress and plans to possibly wear two dresses at our wedding. I hope she is not planning on hiring two dressers. If she is, then I think I am entitled to hire at least one orangutan to wrestle your husband.

Obviously, reality shows thrive on conflict and drama and drunk hook-ups and people who don't pay their parking tickets; did you find that the producers tried to instigate any beef between your two mothers? Did they hide the Kiddush cups on purpose? Seriously, do you think your husband could beat my orangutan in a fight? We can make this happen.

Like most rapists, Felix looks VERY unassuming.

Annie: I'm pretty sure it's called Say Yes to the Dress.  Well, if you watched the show as you claim to have done, you'd know that they focused a bit on the past drama with my parents but didn't focus on it.  They more made it about how everyone is friends now.  What they did do though, to create a "hook" so to speak, was say I missed an appointment.  I think the voiceover says, "When Annie cancels at the very last minute, Gina has to go on her appointments for her."  Then they show my florist and Gina picking out my flowers, my table linens, and deciding which linens to use where.  What you don't know is that 1) I didn't cancel last minute, I never had an appointment ONE day before my wedding 2) the flowers and table linens they were touching and choosing were MY actual flowers and table linens.  Do you think any wedding planner, as good as she may be, would be choosing my flowers, centerpieces, table linens, etc?  I think not. But, as I said before, they focus on the planner and it looked like Gina saved the day.  Wow, I'm sure glad we had the same taste!  the EXACT same taste!!

Evan: So I take it you are conceding that my orangutan could destroy your husband. Good, because he'd have no shot. I'm actually a little insulted that your husband even thought about squaring off against Felix. And even though they're mostly docile animals, check out what I found about orangutans on Wikipedia:

Male orangutans have been known to rape human women. The cook of noted primatologist Birute Galdikas was raped by an orangutan. Actress Julia Roberts had an orangutan try to have sex with her, and was saved by a film crew.  

Also, yes, I would think that a wedding planner would be choosing your flowers, centerpieces and table linens. Isn't that what wedding planners do? I mean, if they're not doing that, then what are they doing? I mean, besides dressing a human and not showing up for the actual wedding.

Look, let's get to The (new) Newlywed Game because that's really what's been on everyone's mind. Bob Eubanks, how cool is he in real life? And did he tell you the story of how he once had to pry an orangutan off of Vanessa Redgrave? 

Bananas!

Annie: You mean an orangutan would have no shot against my huz, right?  Have you ever seen Abu's guns?

I don't really get the whole Julia Roberts phenomenon.  I mean, she's a bit androgynous.  Maybe in Pretty Woman she was hot, but the whole America's sweetheart thing?  You stole your husband from another woman ... so as far as I'm concerned you're a home-wrecking whore. Ever see her interviewed?  The most self impressed woman alive.

Let's back up.  I said she was my "day of" planner.  I guess regular planners guide you during your choices ... help you remember the little things ... make appointments with vendors, etc.  I didn't need that.  I wanted a dresser, and someone to remember little stuff on the DAY OF my wedding like to make sure the flower girl walked down the aisle before I did and to make sure you didn't trip or fart during the ceremony. Did she actually plug your butt?

As far as The Newlywed Game.  Lamest show ever.  I'm pretty sure Bob Eubanks is dead. Ours was hosted by Carnie Wilson.  The most terrible host of all time.  The questions were terrible, we were terrible (except we did look good :) and yes, we finished last.  My dad called me after the show aired to ask if my marriage was in trouble.  They cut out funny stuff I said too.  However, I met a couple while filming and have become extremely close with the wife - we now have kids a month apart.  One of the coolest girls I ever met. So there's that part of it.  We lost a trip to St. Lucia.  The couple we met, won.  Got 'em all right.  They won a trip to Florida.  ha.

The Redgraves are a very talented family.

Annie and her huz apparently got married in a swamp.

Evan: I can't believe how many things I disagree with you about.

First of all, Julia Roberts is beautiful. She's not that hot, she's not that sexy (although when she showed cleave in Erin Brocks it was pretty amazing), but she's got a nice smile and clean hair. I totally get it. Also, I have no problem with her getting with a married man. People do this all the time, not just Hollywood big shots. I mean for God's sake, look at the orangutans.

So regular wedding planners help you remember the little things before the wedding (making appointments, etc.) whereas "day of" wedding planners help your mothers remember the little things at the wedding (like Kiddush cups and making sure groomsmen don't trip)? That really doesn't seem like a lot of responsibility, plus that lady had NO CONTROL of my ability to walk down an aisle. I would argue that a groomsman has MUCH MORE responsibility than any wedding planner: staying awake, not cracking jokes, making eyes at people, wearing pants, carrying 37 things in your pocket that your wife or girlfriend has asked you to hold on to: Chapstick, phone, camera, glasses case, ID and credit card ("just in case"), Kiddush cups, valet ticket, numerous shampoos and lotions from the hotel room, commemorative yarmulkes, plus 16 other yarmulkes from previous weddings / Bar Mitzvahs.

Poor Carnie Wilson; she'll always be known as "The Fat One" regardless of how clean she keeps her hair.

Any final thoughts before we shut this down Annie? Tips to give women out there who dream of becoming reality TV stars and/or wedding planners? Shout outs?

Annie: I guess we will just have to agree to disagree, as always, Monner.  We just don't see eye to eye on this.  Partly because you're a moron, I'm always right, and you ALWAYS make arguments JUST to argue. How Monnerish of you.

I guess I can teach you about wedding planning til I'm blue in the face and you won't get it. That's a lot to have in your pockets.  THAT'S what that was that I saw down there in my wedding video.  Now it's all coming together.

My advice - reality TV is stupid but it's fun to be on TV.  Don't take it too seriously and never expect to be treated with any respect.

And Carnie is TERRIBLE.  She talked my husband out of all of his damn answers and I didn't get to go to St. Lucia.  Has nothing to do with having no idea what the other one is thinking or doing.  We DO TOO know each other.  We are SO in love.  No show is gonna tell me different!!!

Oh, and one of the reasons I love my husband is because of all his clean hair.

Evan: Annie's husband aka Captain Chrome Dome:

Hook 'em.

Conversations With Someone Else: Feddd Discusses Chick Flicks

Oh, what's so funny?!?!

Welcome to another edition of Conversations With Someone Else, in which I exchange emails with a famous celebrity person to discuss the world of entertainment. Today's guest is my childhood friend and Los Angeles based screenwriter, Jesse Federman. With the soon to be released Sex and the City 2 DVD rocketing to the top of Netflix queues everywhere, I thought it'd be a good time to talk about chick flicks before our nation's male suicide rate skyrockets.

Let's get to it!

Evan: Feddd, there's a common misconception that chick flicks suck harder than anything else that sucks hard; even harder than Mario Lopez, vegetarian entrees or doubles tennis. I disagree! Dudes should no longer fear Friday nights under the blanket ... "Amelie" ... "Four Weddings and a Funeral" ... those are genuinely good movies! Although, neither of those are American chick flicks. Maybe just American chick flicks suck hard? I wonder what Brazilian chick flicks are like. They're probably amazing.

Feddd: First of all,  regarding your “vegetarian entrée” dig, I’m not taking the bait.  I am a vegetarian myself, and possibly even kosher.  (I’m still not clear on the rules but I don’t believe I have ever had onions and sand at the same meal.)  Also, I went to a doubles tennis match one time and it was BONKERS.  It was like watching four tiny dudes with cannons blasting rounds at each other from eight feet away.   I was unfortunately struck by an errant ball, and while I may have a dented brain now, at least I may have a dented brain now, at least I may have a dented brain now farts farts raspberry.

Now, let’s get academic!  I’m curious to know how you classify a “chick flick.”  Is it anything involving a love story?  Does it require a female lead?  Or does it just have to meet some imagined quota of cuteness/feelings?  Take the recent Katherine Heigl movie “Life As We Know It” as an example.  It was ostensibly engineered to be a chick flick, except women have turned on Katherine Heigl, hate her as much as men do now, and it did dismal business.  Is it still a chick flick?

Also, for reasons not entirely clear to me, I wouldn’t include “Four Weddings and a Funeral” in this category.  Is it because labeling something a chick flick implies a value judgment and I think “Four Weddings” is too good a film to deserve it?  Or is it because I was raised as a girl for the first nine years of my life?  And those questions inevitably lead to this one:  Will I ever have a son of my own so I can comb his long, pretty hair?

What sucks harder? Sense and Sensibility or Mario Lopez?

Evan: Clearly this will be the first and last time the word "ostensibly" shows up in this blog.

I would classify "chicks flicks" as any movie that has a greater appeal to women than men, bringing with it some romance, crying, weddings, hugging, or women sitting around barefoot and actually getting along. Even though "Four Weddings and a Funeral" doesn't have any scenes with Bette Midler or dead guys making pottery, there's still no way that two dudes would ever sit down to watch it together. Let me rephrase that, there's no way that two dudes who weren't you and me would sit down to watch it together. I will seriously watch this movie with you and a vegetarian entree ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I will also watch any film with Bette Midler because I actually find her and her bare feet to be VERY ATTRACTIVE.

So let's go with that classification for the sake of this blog post. Let's also take our shoes off and boil up a pot of Earl Grey.

What are some chick flicks that you can recommend to our male and female readers? (All six of them.) And be honest, are you attracted to Bette Midler? BE HONEST. And what's up with people hating on Katherine Heigl? She seems nice enough. My wife hates Renee Zelweger and Kate Hudson. I love Mariah Carey.

Feddd: Let it be known that I saw "Ghost" in the theater when it came out, and I have been sexually attracted to pottery ever since. Years later, I bought a potter's wheel of my own and was even briefly seduced by a beautiful spirit, but she turned out to be alive and then later turned out to be a dude.  He had been living illegally in my apartment building for six months and the "undead" ruse had been his way of dodging eviction.  Ah, If I had a nickel for every love story that ends that way...  I would honestly PUT THEM IN A SOCK and beat that pale monster to death because (s)he broke my heart.

As for Bette Midler, I am attracted to her in the way most men are.  Which is to say, not at all.  And the thought of her bare feet makes me want to go through reverse puberty.  Okay, that's not fair or true.  Really, Bette Midler is no joke.  She's a writer, producer, singer, actor, vaudevillian comedienne, cabaret performer, entertainer of troops, a presence in any medium.  She's like a quintuple threat, at minimum.  Actually, can you hold on a sec?

Okay, let's see...  Google image search: bette midler feet.  Are you serious, Google actually had that ready as a suggestion?  Incredible.  We live in the FUTURE.  Wait, what's this?  SafeSearch?  We're gonna go ahead and turn that right off.  Aaaaaand...bing-bong, good night!

(Katherine Heigl's problem, I think, is that the distinction between her on- and off-screen personae is shrinking.  For a few years there, she could play the uptight, slightly shrill, even a little shrewish love interest and still win our sympathy.  For a while we could believe the parts were written that way (and they often were) and she was doing as well as anyone could.  Then she started openly saying uptight, slightly shrill, even a little shrewish things in interviews, occasionally throwing her directors, writers and co-stars under the bus, and everyone stated to think, "Oh.  That's just her."  Most women don't like Katherine Heigl because most women would be just fine appearing on "Grey's Anatomy" and in "Knocked Up" AS A JOB.)

Crap, I'm running long.  You throw out some good chick flicks first and then I'll add my own/shoot all of yours down.

Is Bette Midler attractive? ... YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!! ... ADMIT IT!

Evan: Confession: I have never actually seen Ghost, but I have seen Ghost Dog which is probably the farthest thing from a chick flick that has ever been made. I've also seen Reservoir Dogs and Dog Day Afternoon which are even farther than Ghost Dog, so I guess Ghost Dog is not the farthest thing from a chick flick ever made. The closest thing I've seen to Ghost is probably All Dogs Go To Heaven, although to be honest I don't think I've ever seen that and am actually thinking of Lady and the Tramp which is a lovely film that I'd love to watch with my wife who does NOT look like a dog.

Speaking of my lovely wife, she just called to me from the other room to say that G-String Divas is on HBO, which is a TERRIBLE show that features a bunch of pole-dancing dogs who (if they keep up their promiscuous lifestyles) will definitely NOT be going to heaven.  

My wife's favorite chick flicks are:

Pretty Woman, which is fine, I guess ... if you like prostitutes, which I do.
Love Actually, which is also loved by our friend The Rev.
Dirty Dancing, another Swayze-gem.
Beaches aka Barefoot Beauties.

Also, the only porno mag I've ever actually bought in my life was called Playboy's Barefoot Beauties and featured just that. A few years later, I was at a party with our buddy Hart and we found a copy of Playboy's Barefoot Beauties 2 which was signed by one of the Barefoot Beauties. Hart stole it from the guy hosting the party and months later I stole it from Hart. I think it's currently in the trunk of my car along with a Hustler that was given to me by our old landlord, Bobby.......... TRUE STORIES!

Swayze + long hair + horse + horse dick = BOX OFFICE SMASH

Feddd:  Hey, Jess, wanna talk chick flicks?  Oh, and also do some moral judging about who's getting into heaven?  Great, see you there!

But let me ask you this: How about a guy who claims to be married, and then constructs a blog around this premise, when he's really only engaged?  Does he get into heaven?  Was TV My Fiancee Watches taken?!  Has anyone actually met this "fiancee"?!  (Note: I have.  Like 30 times.  She's great.)

Right, the movies.  I know your not-wife loves "Love, Actually," but if you really examine that movie from a man's perspective, I think you'll find that it is TOTALLY CHARMING.  (It's written and directed by Richard Curtis, who also wrote "Four Weddings.")  I can take or leave "Pretty Woman," I won't watch "Dirty Dancing" because it forces me to ask some tough questions about myself, and "Beaches" is the saddest movie in the world.

Some chick flicks I can recommend:

"Clueless."  Outstanding high-school comedy.  Introduced me to one of my favorite up-and-coming actresses of the '90s: Paul Rudd.

"Sixteen Candles."  Though it follows a teenage heroine, I really identified with this movie when I first saw it.  I was 26.

"The Princess Bride."  Does this qualify?  It could just as easily be described as a kids' movie.  But aren't all great movies part chick flick and part kids' movie?  Answer: No, not There Will Be Blood.

"Road House."  It's like "Dirty Dancing" except every time Swayze looks like he's about to dance, instead he kicks a whole guy and then bangs a woman standing straight up.  Also, not a chick flick at all.  Also, I haven't seen it.

Have there been any good romantic comedies lately?  Or ever?  Has there ever been another year in which Hollywood put out two artificial-insemination comedies ("The Backup Plan" and "Extract") and one adoption-due-to-fatal-car-crash comedy ("Life As We Know It")?  Off-topic, but does anyone else miss Numb3rs?

Evan:  This email exchange is an absolute disaster; Feddd, NONE OF THOSE MOVIES are chick flicks! Granted, they probably fall under the umbrella definition that I came up with, but still, they're not what I had in mind when starting this thread and I'm blaming you for not understanding that!

Also, we get that you're Mr. English Major and write with correct punctuation and stuff, but I'm not putting movie titles into "quotations" any more. It just looks funny! I prefer italics! Also, why did I just put the word quotations in quotations? Do I think that my readers are so stupid that they don't know what quotations are?!?! Of course I do! ... And I answered the whole fiancee/wife controversy last week. Thanks for not reading my blog!! ... And why am I yelling? ... Stop making me yell at you!

Sixteen Candles and The Princess Bride are clearly phenomenal movies, but lack any tear-jerking elements. Plus, in Sixteen Candles, Anthony Michael Hall gives quite possibly the greatest comedic performance in the history of western cinema. The scene on the bus when he tries to hit on Molly Ringwald guaranteed him a lucrative future in Hollywood as the adorable twerp meathead douche.

Clueless may in fact be a decent movie, but my opinion is biased because I have been scarred by it. When I was in college, I was hanging out with a girl in my dorm room and she asked if she could write on my wall with a Sharpie. I guess I was going for the whole laid-back, carefree, I-don't-even-wear-a-belt vibe, because I said yes. She then proceeded to write her name, draw a couple hearts and then PLASTERED my wall with quotes from the movie. It started off with harmless stuff like, "whatever!", but she ended up writing stuff like:

Mel: Do you know what time it is?
Cher: A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.

For the rest of the year I had to explain to every person who came into my room that I didn't really like Alicia Silverstone that much (which was like four people and not true ... I liked her A LOT!). Silver lining was that I became much more conscious of pairing my watches with my outfit. This often made me late for class.

I'll take a depressed Alicia Silverstone over Zellweger any day.

And regarding your last paragraph, I understand that my readers are idiots, but no one has heard of any of those movies (AND I GET ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE)! If one considers Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Baby Mama to be romantic comedies, then yes, Hollywood is actually putting out some great ones.

Jerry Maguire and The English Patient ... thoughts?

(Obviously I'm only asking about these movies because I have thoughts on them, but wasted a bunch of my time ranting about how dumb you are. Whatever, talk about whatever you want.)

Feddd:  Suck my crank, Monsky!  Is that enough italics for you?  I wanted to be using italics the whole time!  I thought you were a quotation marks guy.  But fine, now I'm going underline, italics, bold and quotes from here on out, dick.  I think you tried to make me watch "English Patient" when we were rommates in Boston and I couldn't do it.  I fell asleep and you clearly resented me for a few weeks after that.  And then you grew your hair out and put a harness in your room and painted the ceiling every day like a fat weirdo.

 "Jerry Maguire" I liked a lot.  I know a lot of guys went expecting a football movie and were disappointed.  Not this guy.  If anything, I thought there was too much sports.  To me, the truest test of a man's fitness is how fast can he run down an airport corridor after a woman?  Because that man has a stronger heart than any athlete.  (Ironically, it's also why my Carl Lewis romantic comedy never sold.  No matter how big a head start the girl had, he would immediately catch her.  Not enough drama.)

And don't tell me your "readers" don't know who Carl Lewis is.  Because they 1) know who he is and 2) aren't real.

 I think maybe I haven't seen many of the movies you want to discuss.  Not because they deal with female interests, but because a lot of them are pandering and suck hard.  Though I did recently watch "An Officer and a Gentleman" for the first time, and it had me from MINUTE ONE.

Throw out some more movies that you want to talk about, you controlling weirdo, so I can dazzle you some more with my giant brains.

Sexier leading man: Ralph Fiennes?

Or our esteemed guest?

Or our esteemed guest circa 1995?

Evan: Look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that the English Patient is a good movie, but it's a good movie. It has romance, love-loss and a burnt up guy eating a plum. I'm also pretty sure that it has a little titty-action from Kristin Scott Thomas. I saw this movie in the theater and at the end, women were straight WEEPING. As I walked up the aisle to the exits, I saw a woman doubled over, crying her eyes out while her husband halfheartedly rubbed her back. It looked like he would've rather been doing ANYTHING but help his wife out. I'm not even sure if he was rubbing her back. He may have been rubbing her chair.

Also, I might be confusing this movie with Out of Africa.  

Jerry Maguire just sucks. I saw this movie with our friend Abu (also in the theater) and we were totally duped by the trailers. Either that or Abu was trying to put the moves on me which is entirely possible. It's also possible that Abu (who works in finance) was trying to do research on becoming a sports agent. For the next six months, he kept entering me into tennis tournaments and set me up with a 401K. 

The joke was on you though, Abu ... I have no money!

Look, it's time to start wrapping this up ... I think it's clear that a) we have no idea what a chick flick is and b) we both agree that we love when Patrick Swayze kicks stuff.

I guess my favorite chick flicks are: Manhattan (probably not a chick flick), Amelie and Four Weddings and a Funeral.

My wife (go with it) has been really pushing Monsoon Wedding on me and is always up for watching Marie Antoinette, Shakespeare in Love or any period-piece. I went with her and her girlfriend to see The Other Boleyn Girl a few years ago and said afterward that it was "fine." Now my wife tells everyone that I thought it was "a fine fine film."

Oh, I also like Little Women. 

And I'll see anything with Laura Linney.

Any final thoughts Feddderico?

Feddderico: Man, you are kidding yourself if you think anyone's reading something this long on the Internet.  Also, in case we've given the impression of a seamless e-mail conversation happening in a timely manner, I want your "readers" to know: no.  Evan fires off his e-mails immediately, and then I write back 6 to 48 hours later, in between haircuts.

If we haven't learned anything about chick flicks -- and we haven't -- perhaps we've learned something about ourselves.  For whether you're just a regular nobody in the suburbs of Philadelphia pretending to be married, or a hotshot writer in Los Angeles whose outsize charm and talent were too big for any other city, movies, it turns out, are the great equalizer.  I ask you, what else but movies compels us both, the small-town liar and the big-city achiever, to share the same quarters in quiet mutual appreciation for something other than, respectively, our unmarried live-in girlfriends whom we falsely label our wives and our spectacular freshly cut hair?

The answer: nudity of any kind.

My final thought on the topic of films and women is this: Julia Ormond or Madeline Stowe, if you're reading this, hit me up.  You too, Mary Louise Parker.  Basically any woman who was big in the '90s or has a triple name.  Or Simon Baker.

Now, can we talk about you lending me some money?  I'm seeing a combination hair stylist/therapist, and we're making amazing progress with my chronic crying and my "gorilla scalp", but she isn't cheap.  Oh, and obviously don't include this in our e-mail chain on your blog.

Evan: I hate your guts.

I wasn't kidding.

Conversations With Someone Else: Miss Ocean City 2005 discusses Law and Order SVU

All right, everybody turn about 45 degrees. Except you, Ice T, you're good.

Welcome to a new feature here on TV My Wife Watches called "Conversations With Someone Else" in which I exchange emails with someone who is not me to pick their brains about some stupid television show. Our inaugural guest is Miss Ocean City, New Jersey 2005, Aubre, who also writes the blog Thrifty Rittenhouse, where she blabs about everything from buying pajamas to buying other, slightly more expensive pajamas. You can find her blog here.

Enough prefacing, let's get to it:

Evan: All right Aubre, both you and my wife consistently watch Law and Order SVU, despite the fact that after every episode, you end up freaking out and thinking that everyone on your block will rape you. I came home last Tuesday night to find Darrie balled up in the corner, with a bowl of ice cream in one hand and a cleaver in the other, threatening to "gut whoever is about to walk in that door!" My question is, what am I missing here? Why do you insist on watching this show? Is it even enjoyable? I can't imagine it is, considering a) it sucks and b) generally women don't like to be scared that they're going to get raped.

Aubre: Hey Evster,

So I started writing a response to this on Friday night, before I was forced to abandon the draft due to my awesome weekend plans.**

So Law and Order SVU: It's really amazing how frightened I can be by a network television show created by a guy named Dick Wolf. (Can I say "dick" in this instance?) (if not, you can blur that out) Although I think you might be exaggerating a little when describing Darrie's state after the Tuesday night marathon? I mean... I'm sure she's a little on edge, but would she really be eating ice cream after 9pm!? I too have fallen victim to the same kind of exaggeration when detailing my post-marathon mental state. Because, if you've ever met me, you'd know I would NEVER own a butter knife!

But, back to the "why". There's the obvious reason-- male eye candy in the form of Ice-T. But me for me, I don't like the whole "you can look, but you can't touch" thing and Ice-T is a TAKEN MAN! I think I watch simply because I can't believe what these sex perverts will come up with next! It's fascinating!

I think in each reply we should talk about one of our favorite guest stars in an SVU episode. I'll start it off with Bob Saget's 2006 appearance in the episode "Choreographed" where he plants a micro-chip in the shoulder of his cheating wife to track her locations. Danny Tanner you are a creep! This may only be surpassed by Melissa Joan Hart's 2007 guest appearance in the episode "Impulsive" where she plays a school teacher who is raped by her sex- addicted student. Sabrina the Teenage Witch you are a creep!

**laundry.

Evan: First of all Aubre, I'd like to say thanks for answering a grand total of ZERO of my questions! Actually, that's not true, you sort of answered why you watch the show, so I apologize.

The first sixteen times that I read your reply, I actually thought you were serious about Ice-T and wrote this whole long-winded tirade about his ridiculous pony-tail and wife who may actually be a horse. I would also like to state for the record that black people with pony-tails are sort of unacceptable. I understand that Snoop pulled it off and Antoine Dodson took it to a whole new level, but growing up, my mother continuously told me two things:

Just a guy and his wife hanging out.

1. Don't trust black people with ponytails.
and
2. Don't trust women who may actually be a horse.

So if creative sexual perversion is what drives America's viewing audience, then Steven Bochco and I should be making millions on Cop Rock 2000: The Search for Ice-T's wife. Let it be known that I wooed my wife by emailing her a made up story that I had a dream about her the previous night. It was a simple, devious strategy:

I sent her an email saying that I had a spicy dream about her, but felt embarrassed and understood if she didn't wanna hear about it (but I still asked if she wanted to hear the deets). Of course, she replied with something like, "Really? wow, yeah, sure, I guess you can tell me about it" and took the bait, and then boom! she was hooked and I unloaded a Penthouse Forum-esque sexcapade that was completely fabricated. She inevitably felt flattered, saw me in a whole new light and ended up back at my place for an evening that paled in comparison to my previous emails. Now, years later, she's reading about it in a blog that supposed to be about reality television and will most likely end up divorcing me and burning her shoebox of pictures, ticket stubs and ball-gags that we've shared together.

As far as my favorite guest star, it has to be the impending appearance by Ice T's wife, Coco. I also really hope they somehow incorporate Smarty Jones into a season long arc; maybe a whole love triangle thing
with Ice-T and Coco. Or maybe a rap battle where he takes on Ice-T and stomps his hoof on the stage, leading to a national dance craze called The Stomper and eventually an appearance on Oprah because kids
keep getting stomped to death at clubs.

I cannot believe we've already gotten off topic after only two emails and I can't wait to see Oprah interview a horse.

Aubre: Coco already guest starred in the 2007 episode "Fight", where she played a horse**

** a prostitute

I may or may not own a Smarty Jones t-shirt.

Evan: How do you have all of this knowledge of previous episodes? I mean, how do you even know what episodes are called?

Another thing that bothers me about the show is the way that characters just flow into the conversation without even being in the room / scene. It's like, Ice-T and that lady will be talking about something, and then another guy will stroll in and finish their sentence (normally while walking down a spiral staircase). Why are they always on spiral staircases? Why do people even make spiral staircases? Those things are so hard to navigate! Smarty's gonna fall!

Seeing as you are a former Miss Ocean City, you must've ridden a horse before. What's it like?

Aubre: I'd venture to say that I've seen AT LEAST 56% of all SVU episodes. A percentage that is less than impressive and totally statistically insignificant in any other realm. But this show has been on for like 12 seasons, each season containing somewhere around 15 episodes, and each episode being an hour long. And if a train leaves Houston at 9:57 am, filled to capacity, traveling Northwest at 65mph towards Denver it DEFINITELY runs faster than Smarty Jones.

I think the "another guy" you speak of is Richard Belzer aka Skunk Stripe aka Sgt. John Munch, who is Ice-T's partner. In fighting crime, not in the "life partner" sense-- As we discussed, Ice-T is in a bestial relationship with a horse. Munch is as comical as he is dead-serious. He often enters a scene via a spiral staircase. Even if the scene is outside in a rat-ridden alley of New York, where a victim's body as been found, Munch will climb down the fire escape and join the conversion with an INSANELY informed observation. "I was going through the victim's belongings and found a flake of dandruff that showed a high level of flakiness. This is often a result of extreme flouride depletion in the water." To which Stabler will jump in "Most parts of Eastern Europe have extremely low levels of flouride in their water.... Maybe our vicitim is a Eastern European sex worker?" And then Ice-T: "I know a woman who works with illegal immigrants brought to the US for the sex trade. Maybe she can help us".

I think what I admire most about this show is how seamlessly everything comes together. Munch makes this INSANE observation about as casually as he'd announce that he'd taken a crap that morning while reading the paper-- and then everything just starts falling into place. Which is about the time I start thinking that I could totally solve all of these crimes myself. If only I had a skunk stripe.....

And, no. I've never ridden a horse. I imagine it to be terrifying.

Evan: I have also never ridden a horse, but I did one time fall down a spiral staircase and landed on a nail and probably contracted hoof-and-mouth disease.

Okay, there's no way Richard Belzer's name is Sgt. John Munch ... John Munch?! The name alone is sexually deviant. This Dick Wolf guy is an absolute genius (also a deviant name!).

I can imagine the creators of the show sitting around in a meeting, coming up with this stuff.


Dick Wolf: Okay, we've got Ice-T, we've got spiral staircases, we've got actual pedophiles and unemployed bloggers to write the show. What else do we need?

Dick's Assistant: How 'bout a guy named John Munch?

Dick Wolf: Perfect!

These sort of taste like horse.

What about the guy from Wet Hot American Summer? The cook. He's a detective too! How can he be a detective?!?! He's a cook! And every time I watch the pretty lady is getting like, punched in the face! Also, she attended my friend Danny's wedding in California (she was apparently friendly with the bride's father who was also a former acid dealer) and my wife couldn't stop staring at her. I didn't really pay much attention to her because the Los Angeles sunglass'd couple in front of us kept making out during the entire ceremony and I almost barfed all over them.**

**got sort of turned on.

Aubre: Speaking of weddings -- my high school friend was telling me that he recently attended a wedding with his girlfriend of two Christian Scientists (there's any oxymoron!) and the ceremony + reception were dry. No alcohol. Is that not AGONY or what!? I would rather marry John Munch than attend a wedding with no booze. Also apparently the priest kept saying how the bride and groom were now "dedicating their life to serving God" and how they were "special" because they "waited". It's like, okay I get IT. They've never had sex! Now, not only am I dead sober, but I'm actually pitying the bride and groom. Misery. So are you and Darrie planning a dry wedding ceremony? Cool!

Anyway, this is taken directly from Richard Belzer's IMDB page: "A social misfit, was kicked out of every school he ever attended, due to his uncontrollable wit."

That is brilliant.

This is actually incredible. According to his IMDB page, this is the evolution of Detective / Sgt. John Munch:

Role originated in the series "Homocide: Life on the Streets."
After it's cancellation, his role was reprised in the original Law and Order.
He then played Det. John Munch in an episode of The X-Files as well as an episode of The Wire.
The role was again resurrected for Law and Order SVU.

Long live Sgt. Munch!!

Evan: First of all, thanks for telling all three of our readers that I'm not acccctually married yet (we're engaged, but I couldn't figure out how get that little accent thing on the "e" in TV My Fiance Watches). And no, we will not be having a dry wedding, but will be serving both Iced Tea and Horse Juice for our tea-totaling guests.

So after all this, you still have not really answered my original question as to why you and my wife (just go with it) freak yourselves out with this show! Is it some sort of thrill seeking activity like those guys who bungee jump or attempt to eat an entire squirrel? Personally, I hate the X Games and don't understand why people feel the need to flirt with death. I once spent an entire hour at Franklin Institute screaming at some hikers on an IMAX screen that THEY DID NOT HAVE TO CLIMB MOUNT KILIMANJARO! Trust me, that little flag DID NOT NEED TO GO on the other side of that NINETEEN THOUSAND FOOT ICE-COVERED GLACIER!!!

More terrifying: ice climbing for SVU?

I once tried to sneak into a locked basketball gym by climbing a nine foot fence and spent close to four and a half minutes perched at the top, terrified to jump down. My two buddies down below screamed at me to "just jump!" which only exacerbated my fears of not only breaking my face, but also sneaking into a gym that WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO GO INTO! To this day, they call me "The Bird Man" cause I was perched up there for so long.

Also, people SHOULD NOT call their friends The Bird Man. ... It's just mean and I'm not a bird.

Aubre: Well I guess I need to wrap this up being that the day is almost done.

I don't really know what to tell you, Evan. After everything that's been detailed in these emails-- I frankly don't know why you wouldn't watch SVU. It has devious, sexual subject matter; perfectly solvable cases; Richard Belzer; JUSTICE IN AN UNJUST WORLD; horses; Richard Belzer; spiral staircases; awesome guest appearances; dandruff. Do I really need to keep going?

So I lie awake for a few sleepless nights fearing brutal rape, bludgeoning, incest, sexual enslavement, horses etc. I think that's a pretty small price to pay for literally HOURS of entertainment each week.

Evan: For the record, I am not a bird.

This guy is a bird.

(Evster's note: I would like to apologize now to my readers for not asking Aubre any questions about how one actually becomes Miss Ocean City or what it takes to win the Miss Ocean City crown. This remains one of life's great mysteries. I realize this was a tremendous mistake on my part and would also like to apologize for not attaching any pictures of Aubre in a bikini.)

Our first guest with the woman who birthed her.