Great Moments in Bachelor/ette History: The Wrestler TipToes Through The Tulips

Ya see Aly, you gotta take a guy like this and choke him!

With the new season of The Bachelor fast approaching (season debut January 12th), I thought it'd be a good time to look back at some of the all-time greatest moments in the show's history. I also thought it'd be a good time to make Cream of Wheat, but we're out of milk. We're also out of Cream of Wheat. I guess it's probably a good time to go to the supermarket, but it's FREEZING outside and I'm out of clean long underwear. I guess maybe I should also do laundry, but now that's way too many things to do and I'm overwhelmed. I'm thinking of just running away.

Today, we will revisit an episode from Season 6 of The Bachelorette when Justin "Rated R" Rego tried to avoid both Aly and a Turkish hotel's catering staff as he attempted to leave the show and the country.

Before we do anything, are you aware that these two are currently a couple?

Great Moment: Tiptoeing Through The Tulips
Show: The Bachelorette
Season: 6, the one with Aly
Idiots Involved: Aly and Justin (aka The Wrestler aka Rated R aka The Guy With the Broken Leg aka A Guy Who Is Probably Now Celibate)

Early on during last season of The Bachelorette, Justin and his broken leg were quickly labeled by the other dudes in the house as "being there for the wrong reasons," the Bachelorette equivalent for the guy who "would also stab a puppy."

"Being there for the wrong reasons" refers to any contestant who seems to have put him or herself on the show for any reason other than truly wanting to fall in love. This could be to gain popularity for an outside venture, such as promoting an album or a business, to become famous, or just to have a good time. In the world of the Bachelor/ette, these people might as well be Nazis, pedophiles or Comcast employees. They are hated. Loathed. And it often becomes the personal vendetta of every other guy/girl in the house to out them, knowing that the Bachelor/ette will become disgusted and banish them from the show and the chance to go bungee jumping with five other ridiculous people all vying for the attention of a complete idiot who only has a 5% chance of parenting their child anyway.

After twenty seasons of the show (14 Bachelor, 6 Bachelorettes) only one couple has eventually married and been with child. One other couple also got married, but the girl was not the original choice of the Bachelor. One other guy got a tattoo of a heart with a lock around it and besides Ron Artest is probably the craziest person on the planet. 

He brought his cones!

From day one, Justin had been mentioning his alter-ego / wrestling persona "Rated R" (similarly to "The Miz" from The Real World). Justin initially brought it up to explain his broken leg which was injured in a backyard wrestling league. The other men became suspicious and warned Aly that he might molest young boys.

Weeks later, their suspicions were proven correct when Justin was found out to have not one, but two girlfriends back home in Toronto and was most definitely using the show as a springboard for his wrestling career. Aly was DIS-GUS-TED and confronted him immediately in his hotel room in Turkey.

Also, in case you didn't hear, "The Miz" not only became an actual WWE wrestler, but just won the heavyweight title last week.

Gotta be honest, kinda thought The Miz would be working for Comcast at this point.

Instead of explaining himself, Rated R (now in a walking boot) limped to his room, grabbed his stuff and claimed like Doug, he was "outtttttaaaaaaaa heeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeeee." Captain Limplestein then proceeded to exit the hotel while Aly stormed after him, DEMANDING an explanation. Limpy just wanted to escape and quickly found himself taking short cuts to elude Aly and their impending confrontation, hopping over the hotel's beautifully landscaped flower bed with the precision of a drunken teenager. It was as if he was on American Gladiators, trying to tightrope his way through obstacles while Nitro (or in this case, Aly) stood off to the side, arms folded, laughing, knowing he could not elude her. Eventually, after trying to re-enter the hotel through an auxiliary door (locked), Justin waddled back to Aly with his tail between his legs and eventually admitted his indiscretions.

Justin checks if the grass in Turkey is as soft as Kentucky Blue.

One night in college, my friend Feddd was confronted in the middle of the street by a girl who fancied him. I believe she wanted him to escort her back to her place, but Feddd was going through some stuff and didn't know what to say. Not knowing how to handle it, he turned around and ran.

Feddd (who is 6'5") sprinted down the street, not running anywhere in particular, while the girl ran after him. Feddd was eventually caught by her and was once again forced to confront her. I don't remember how it all ended, but I'm pretty sure that the girl is like four feet tall, which makes the story even better.

Regardless, The Bachelor/ette is probably the greatest television show ever and Rated R is actually a pretty decent name for a wrestler. And if you do a Google image search for "Justin Rated R", you can find SO MANY pictures of Justin Bieber with his shirt off showing off his little pink nips.

Rated PG-13

Whatever happened to the days when teenage heartthrobs looked like this?

Your favorite blogger (rocking the V-neck ... soccer jersey?)

Conversations With Someone Else: Feddd Discusses Chick Flicks

Oh, what's so funny?!?!

Welcome to another edition of Conversations With Someone Else, in which I exchange emails with a famous celebrity person to discuss the world of entertainment. Today's guest is my childhood friend and Los Angeles based screenwriter, Jesse Federman. With the soon to be released Sex and the City 2 DVD rocketing to the top of Netflix queues everywhere, I thought it'd be a good time to talk about chick flicks before our nation's male suicide rate skyrockets.

Let's get to it!

Evan: Feddd, there's a common misconception that chick flicks suck harder than anything else that sucks hard; even harder than Mario Lopez, vegetarian entrees or doubles tennis. I disagree! Dudes should no longer fear Friday nights under the blanket ... "Amelie" ... "Four Weddings and a Funeral" ... those are genuinely good movies! Although, neither of those are American chick flicks. Maybe just American chick flicks suck hard? I wonder what Brazilian chick flicks are like. They're probably amazing.

Feddd: First of all,  regarding your “vegetarian entrée” dig, I’m not taking the bait.  I am a vegetarian myself, and possibly even kosher.  (I’m still not clear on the rules but I don’t believe I have ever had onions and sand at the same meal.)  Also, I went to a doubles tennis match one time and it was BONKERS.  It was like watching four tiny dudes with cannons blasting rounds at each other from eight feet away.   I was unfortunately struck by an errant ball, and while I may have a dented brain now, at least I may have a dented brain now, at least I may have a dented brain now farts farts raspberry.

Now, let’s get academic!  I’m curious to know how you classify a “chick flick.”  Is it anything involving a love story?  Does it require a female lead?  Or does it just have to meet some imagined quota of cuteness/feelings?  Take the recent Katherine Heigl movie “Life As We Know It” as an example.  It was ostensibly engineered to be a chick flick, except women have turned on Katherine Heigl, hate her as much as men do now, and it did dismal business.  Is it still a chick flick?

Also, for reasons not entirely clear to me, I wouldn’t include “Four Weddings and a Funeral” in this category.  Is it because labeling something a chick flick implies a value judgment and I think “Four Weddings” is too good a film to deserve it?  Or is it because I was raised as a girl for the first nine years of my life?  And those questions inevitably lead to this one:  Will I ever have a son of my own so I can comb his long, pretty hair?

What sucks harder? Sense and Sensibility or Mario Lopez?

Evan: Clearly this will be the first and last time the word "ostensibly" shows up in this blog.

I would classify "chicks flicks" as any movie that has a greater appeal to women than men, bringing with it some romance, crying, weddings, hugging, or women sitting around barefoot and actually getting along. Even though "Four Weddings and a Funeral" doesn't have any scenes with Bette Midler or dead guys making pottery, there's still no way that two dudes would ever sit down to watch it together. Let me rephrase that, there's no way that two dudes who weren't you and me would sit down to watch it together. I will seriously watch this movie with you and a vegetarian entree ANY DAY OF THE WEEK. I will also watch any film with Bette Midler because I actually find her and her bare feet to be VERY ATTRACTIVE.

So let's go with that classification for the sake of this blog post. Let's also take our shoes off and boil up a pot of Earl Grey.

What are some chick flicks that you can recommend to our male and female readers? (All six of them.) And be honest, are you attracted to Bette Midler? BE HONEST. And what's up with people hating on Katherine Heigl? She seems nice enough. My wife hates Renee Zelweger and Kate Hudson. I love Mariah Carey.

Feddd: Let it be known that I saw "Ghost" in the theater when it came out, and I have been sexually attracted to pottery ever since. Years later, I bought a potter's wheel of my own and was even briefly seduced by a beautiful spirit, but she turned out to be alive and then later turned out to be a dude.  He had been living illegally in my apartment building for six months and the "undead" ruse had been his way of dodging eviction.  Ah, If I had a nickel for every love story that ends that way...  I would honestly PUT THEM IN A SOCK and beat that pale monster to death because (s)he broke my heart.

As for Bette Midler, I am attracted to her in the way most men are.  Which is to say, not at all.  And the thought of her bare feet makes me want to go through reverse puberty.  Okay, that's not fair or true.  Really, Bette Midler is no joke.  She's a writer, producer, singer, actor, vaudevillian comedienne, cabaret performer, entertainer of troops, a presence in any medium.  She's like a quintuple threat, at minimum.  Actually, can you hold on a sec?

Okay, let's see...  Google image search: bette midler feet.  Are you serious, Google actually had that ready as a suggestion?  Incredible.  We live in the FUTURE.  Wait, what's this?  SafeSearch?  We're gonna go ahead and turn that right off.  Aaaaaand...bing-bong, good night!

(Katherine Heigl's problem, I think, is that the distinction between her on- and off-screen personae is shrinking.  For a few years there, she could play the uptight, slightly shrill, even a little shrewish love interest and still win our sympathy.  For a while we could believe the parts were written that way (and they often were) and she was doing as well as anyone could.  Then she started openly saying uptight, slightly shrill, even a little shrewish things in interviews, occasionally throwing her directors, writers and co-stars under the bus, and everyone stated to think, "Oh.  That's just her."  Most women don't like Katherine Heigl because most women would be just fine appearing on "Grey's Anatomy" and in "Knocked Up" AS A JOB.)

Crap, I'm running long.  You throw out some good chick flicks first and then I'll add my own/shoot all of yours down.

Is Bette Midler attractive? ... YOU KNOW THE ANSWER!! ... ADMIT IT!

Evan: Confession: I have never actually seen Ghost, but I have seen Ghost Dog which is probably the farthest thing from a chick flick that has ever been made. I've also seen Reservoir Dogs and Dog Day Afternoon which are even farther than Ghost Dog, so I guess Ghost Dog is not the farthest thing from a chick flick ever made. The closest thing I've seen to Ghost is probably All Dogs Go To Heaven, although to be honest I don't think I've ever seen that and am actually thinking of Lady and the Tramp which is a lovely film that I'd love to watch with my wife who does NOT look like a dog.

Speaking of my lovely wife, she just called to me from the other room to say that G-String Divas is on HBO, which is a TERRIBLE show that features a bunch of pole-dancing dogs who (if they keep up their promiscuous lifestyles) will definitely NOT be going to heaven.  

My wife's favorite chick flicks are:

Pretty Woman, which is fine, I guess ... if you like prostitutes, which I do.
Love Actually, which is also loved by our friend The Rev.
Dirty Dancing, another Swayze-gem.
Beaches aka Barefoot Beauties.

Also, the only porno mag I've ever actually bought in my life was called Playboy's Barefoot Beauties and featured just that. A few years later, I was at a party with our buddy Hart and we found a copy of Playboy's Barefoot Beauties 2 which was signed by one of the Barefoot Beauties. Hart stole it from the guy hosting the party and months later I stole it from Hart. I think it's currently in the trunk of my car along with a Hustler that was given to me by our old landlord, Bobby.......... TRUE STORIES!

Swayze + long hair + horse + horse dick = BOX OFFICE SMASH

Feddd:  Hey, Jess, wanna talk chick flicks?  Oh, and also do some moral judging about who's getting into heaven?  Great, see you there!

But let me ask you this: How about a guy who claims to be married, and then constructs a blog around this premise, when he's really only engaged?  Does he get into heaven?  Was TV My Fiancee Watches taken?!  Has anyone actually met this "fiancee"?!  (Note: I have.  Like 30 times.  She's great.)

Right, the movies.  I know your not-wife loves "Love, Actually," but if you really examine that movie from a man's perspective, I think you'll find that it is TOTALLY CHARMING.  (It's written and directed by Richard Curtis, who also wrote "Four Weddings.")  I can take or leave "Pretty Woman," I won't watch "Dirty Dancing" because it forces me to ask some tough questions about myself, and "Beaches" is the saddest movie in the world.

Some chick flicks I can recommend:

"Clueless."  Outstanding high-school comedy.  Introduced me to one of my favorite up-and-coming actresses of the '90s: Paul Rudd.

"Sixteen Candles."  Though it follows a teenage heroine, I really identified with this movie when I first saw it.  I was 26.

"The Princess Bride."  Does this qualify?  It could just as easily be described as a kids' movie.  But aren't all great movies part chick flick and part kids' movie?  Answer: No, not There Will Be Blood.

"Road House."  It's like "Dirty Dancing" except every time Swayze looks like he's about to dance, instead he kicks a whole guy and then bangs a woman standing straight up.  Also, not a chick flick at all.  Also, I haven't seen it.

Have there been any good romantic comedies lately?  Or ever?  Has there ever been another year in which Hollywood put out two artificial-insemination comedies ("The Backup Plan" and "Extract") and one adoption-due-to-fatal-car-crash comedy ("Life As We Know It")?  Off-topic, but does anyone else miss Numb3rs?

Evan:  This email exchange is an absolute disaster; Feddd, NONE OF THOSE MOVIES are chick flicks! Granted, they probably fall under the umbrella definition that I came up with, but still, they're not what I had in mind when starting this thread and I'm blaming you for not understanding that!

Also, we get that you're Mr. English Major and write with correct punctuation and stuff, but I'm not putting movie titles into "quotations" any more. It just looks funny! I prefer italics! Also, why did I just put the word quotations in quotations? Do I think that my readers are so stupid that they don't know what quotations are?!?! Of course I do! ... And I answered the whole fiancee/wife controversy last week. Thanks for not reading my blog!! ... And why am I yelling? ... Stop making me yell at you!

Sixteen Candles and The Princess Bride are clearly phenomenal movies, but lack any tear-jerking elements. Plus, in Sixteen Candles, Anthony Michael Hall gives quite possibly the greatest comedic performance in the history of western cinema. The scene on the bus when he tries to hit on Molly Ringwald guaranteed him a lucrative future in Hollywood as the adorable twerp meathead douche.

Clueless may in fact be a decent movie, but my opinion is biased because I have been scarred by it. When I was in college, I was hanging out with a girl in my dorm room and she asked if she could write on my wall with a Sharpie. I guess I was going for the whole laid-back, carefree, I-don't-even-wear-a-belt vibe, because I said yes. She then proceeded to write her name, draw a couple hearts and then PLASTERED my wall with quotes from the movie. It started off with harmless stuff like, "whatever!", but she ended up writing stuff like:

Mel: Do you know what time it is?
Cher: A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Daddy.

For the rest of the year I had to explain to every person who came into my room that I didn't really like Alicia Silverstone that much (which was like four people and not true ... I liked her A LOT!). Silver lining was that I became much more conscious of pairing my watches with my outfit. This often made me late for class.

I'll take a depressed Alicia Silverstone over Zellweger any day.

And regarding your last paragraph, I understand that my readers are idiots, but no one has heard of any of those movies (AND I GET ENTERTAINMENT MAGAZINE)! If one considers Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Baby Mama to be romantic comedies, then yes, Hollywood is actually putting out some great ones.

Jerry Maguire and The English Patient ... thoughts?

(Obviously I'm only asking about these movies because I have thoughts on them, but wasted a bunch of my time ranting about how dumb you are. Whatever, talk about whatever you want.)

Feddd:  Suck my crank, Monsky!  Is that enough italics for you?  I wanted to be using italics the whole time!  I thought you were a quotation marks guy.  But fine, now I'm going underline, italics, bold and quotes from here on out, dick.  I think you tried to make me watch "English Patient" when we were rommates in Boston and I couldn't do it.  I fell asleep and you clearly resented me for a few weeks after that.  And then you grew your hair out and put a harness in your room and painted the ceiling every day like a fat weirdo.

 "Jerry Maguire" I liked a lot.  I know a lot of guys went expecting a football movie and were disappointed.  Not this guy.  If anything, I thought there was too much sports.  To me, the truest test of a man's fitness is how fast can he run down an airport corridor after a woman?  Because that man has a stronger heart than any athlete.  (Ironically, it's also why my Carl Lewis romantic comedy never sold.  No matter how big a head start the girl had, he would immediately catch her.  Not enough drama.)

And don't tell me your "readers" don't know who Carl Lewis is.  Because they 1) know who he is and 2) aren't real.

 I think maybe I haven't seen many of the movies you want to discuss.  Not because they deal with female interests, but because a lot of them are pandering and suck hard.  Though I did recently watch "An Officer and a Gentleman" for the first time, and it had me from MINUTE ONE.

Throw out some more movies that you want to talk about, you controlling weirdo, so I can dazzle you some more with my giant brains.

Sexier leading man: Ralph Fiennes?

Or our esteemed guest?

Or our esteemed guest circa 1995?

Evan: Look, I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that the English Patient is a good movie, but it's a good movie. It has romance, love-loss and a burnt up guy eating a plum. I'm also pretty sure that it has a little titty-action from Kristin Scott Thomas. I saw this movie in the theater and at the end, women were straight WEEPING. As I walked up the aisle to the exits, I saw a woman doubled over, crying her eyes out while her husband halfheartedly rubbed her back. It looked like he would've rather been doing ANYTHING but help his wife out. I'm not even sure if he was rubbing her back. He may have been rubbing her chair.

Also, I might be confusing this movie with Out of Africa.  

Jerry Maguire just sucks. I saw this movie with our friend Abu (also in the theater) and we were totally duped by the trailers. Either that or Abu was trying to put the moves on me which is entirely possible. It's also possible that Abu (who works in finance) was trying to do research on becoming a sports agent. For the next six months, he kept entering me into tennis tournaments and set me up with a 401K. 

The joke was on you though, Abu ... I have no money!

Look, it's time to start wrapping this up ... I think it's clear that a) we have no idea what a chick flick is and b) we both agree that we love when Patrick Swayze kicks stuff.

I guess my favorite chick flicks are: Manhattan (probably not a chick flick), Amelie and Four Weddings and a Funeral.

My wife (go with it) has been really pushing Monsoon Wedding on me and is always up for watching Marie Antoinette, Shakespeare in Love or any period-piece. I went with her and her girlfriend to see The Other Boleyn Girl a few years ago and said afterward that it was "fine." Now my wife tells everyone that I thought it was "a fine fine film."

Oh, I also like Little Women. 

And I'll see anything with Laura Linney.

Any final thoughts Feddderico?

Feddderico: Man, you are kidding yourself if you think anyone's reading something this long on the Internet.  Also, in case we've given the impression of a seamless e-mail conversation happening in a timely manner, I want your "readers" to know: no.  Evan fires off his e-mails immediately, and then I write back 6 to 48 hours later, in between haircuts.

If we haven't learned anything about chick flicks -- and we haven't -- perhaps we've learned something about ourselves.  For whether you're just a regular nobody in the suburbs of Philadelphia pretending to be married, or a hotshot writer in Los Angeles whose outsize charm and talent were too big for any other city, movies, it turns out, are the great equalizer.  I ask you, what else but movies compels us both, the small-town liar and the big-city achiever, to share the same quarters in quiet mutual appreciation for something other than, respectively, our unmarried live-in girlfriends whom we falsely label our wives and our spectacular freshly cut hair?

The answer: nudity of any kind.

My final thought on the topic of films and women is this: Julia Ormond or Madeline Stowe, if you're reading this, hit me up.  You too, Mary Louise Parker.  Basically any woman who was big in the '90s or has a triple name.  Or Simon Baker.

Now, can we talk about you lending me some money?  I'm seeing a combination hair stylist/therapist, and we're making amazing progress with my chronic crying and my "gorilla scalp", but she isn't cheap.  Oh, and obviously don't include this in our e-mail chain on your blog.

Evan: I hate your guts.

I wasn't kidding.

We Played High School Basketball With Kobe Bryant and You Didn't

Evster's note: With the NBA season underway, I wanted to post this article that my friend Feddd and I wrote back in 2003. It first appeared in an online magazine called Chocolate Milk. 

From right to left: Evan, Kobe and an enormous chipmunk.

By Evan and Feddd

Yes, it's true. Two-thirds of the Chocolate Milk staff played high school ball with Kobe Bryant. When Evan and Jesse were seniors, and Kobe a junior, their Lower Merion squad made it to the District Finals and to the Elite Eight of the State Tournament. By the time the season ended, Kobe was considered the top player in the country, Evan had lost his virginity, and Jesse was closer to his parents than he'd ever been.

On paper, it might appear that Evan and Jesse enjoyed similar athletic careers but in truth their experiences were quite different. Evan was the starting point guard and Jesse was widely thought to be an assistant coach. What follows is an account from both men of the District Semifinal against Richard Hamilton and Coatesville, played at the famed Palestra in Philadelphia.

Pregame

 

Ev: As I stroll around the locker room getting loose for the biggest game of my career, Kobe comes over to me excited and raring to go.

“You ready, Triggerman?” Kob asks me. Triggerman is the silly nickname I was given by a local sportswriter who once wrote that I was “the triggerman in the Evan-Kobe alley-oop connection.”

“No doubt, KB.” I give Kob a pound, both of us confident and prepared to take down Richard Hamilton and Coatesville. We discuss how we’re going to defend Rip, try to limit his touches, and deny him all over the court.

Feddd: Half-dressed and suddenly surrounded by Coatesville players, two things occur to me: I’m in the wrong locker room and I might be gay. Shirtless, I wander through the unfamiliar and ancient Palestra hallways until I find my team. I take a locker between my friend Chris Lawson and freshman three-point ace, Dan Pangrazio. Kobe Bryant is three lockers to my right. I really, really want to ask him for his autograph.

The Game

Ev: The pace of the game is frantic, up-tempo, run-and-gun, exactly how we like it. On an out-of-bounds play, I throw Kobe a lob and the crowd grimaces thinking I’m hoisting an ugly 28-foot three-pointer. Kobe leaps over everyone, catches the rock with two hands and flushes it right over some dude wearing Rec-Specs. The sold out Palestra crowd explodes as we strut back on D, and I glimpse up into the student section to see this cute little sophomore give me the most sparkling smile. This is so cool.

Feddd rebounds for Ev and Kobe during practice.

Feddd: Holy shit, my entire left leg is asleep. You’d think this place, storied and famous as it is, would have a more comfortable bench. Lawson and I are at it again, having our customary contest to see who can produce a deeper, pinker rash by resting our elbows heavily on our thighs. We’re off to a furious start, with Lawson slightly in the lead, a fact that I attribute to him having “hippo arms.”

Ev: During a timeout, I can’t hear a word Coach is saying over the deafening crowd. KB, seated next to me suggests that we keep pushing the ball up the court, taking advantage of our speed and fast break. I’m not sure, but it looks like Feddd, who hasn’t played a minute, might be injured.

Feddd: Well, I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but I think I just sprained my ankle standing up. I hate timeouts. I can’t hear a goddamn word Coach is saying because nobody will let me in the huddle. Where the hell is my mom? I swear I’ve looked at everybody in the crowd and she swore she’d be here. If she doesn’t show, we’ll be making a little stop in Temper Tantrum City on our way to Baskin-Robbins after the game. Is it just me, or is that old woman in the Coatesville section giving me the finger? Not cool.

Ev: In a tight game coming down to the wire, Kobe fouls out with over 5 minutes remaining. One half of the arena celebrates while our faithful fans are silent, doubtful that we have any chance to win without the big fella. I gather up my fellow teammates and tell them that despite what everyone thinks, we did not get this far being a one-man team. We will pull this one out and this is our chance to shine. Kobe, devastated that he’s fouled out and unable to contribute, agrees and tells us that he has the utmost confidence in us. He says, “Don’t let it end like this fellas, refuse to lose.”

Feddd: Oh, Christ, Kobe just fouled out, we’re obviously going to lose. A whole season of sleepy legs for this? Is Ev talking? What could he possibly be saying? Who died and made him Knute Rockne? Is Knute Rockne dead?

Ev: Inspired by our captain’s words, we go out and blitz Coatesville. We dominate the final stages of the game, converting on numerous fast breaks and playing smart basketball leading us to victory and our first berth in the District Finals in over 40 years.

Best Friends Forever

Feddd: Holy fuck! This is the biggest splinter I’ve ever seen. It really might be touching the bone, I'm not kidding. Oh God, it hurts, it hurts. It feels like someone just threw a spear into my fucking leg. Holy crap! Where are we going…are we charging the court? Oh, it hurts to hug, guys, it hurts to hug!

Ev: Our student body rushes the court as we all celebrate, dancing, hugging, laughing, and enjoying the victory. That cute sophomore runs up to me and kisses me on the cheek, then sprints away with her friends, smiling. A euphoric rush fills my body as we head to the locker room where we talk to reporters, dance some more, and chow down on some free hoagies given to us by a local booster. During a post-game speech, Kobe thanks the team for pulling through, and allowing him the opportunity to play in at least one more game. This is the best hoagie I’ve ever had.

Feddd: Dickballs! Would it kill somebody to get a cheese hoagie? Or tuna? They know I’m a vegetarian. I do not eat red meat, they know that! What kind is this…ham, of course. Here’s a roast beef, oh, and here’s an Italian. And here’s a wad of meat wrapped in another wad of meat. Assholes! And this splinter is starting to look really bad. Is there such thing as wood poisoning? It’s turning pink, Jesus, it’s turning pink, what does that mean? Wait...Kobe's talking now. This looks emotional. Did he...son of a bitch, did he just call me Jeff? Holy crap, Lawson just ripped one. How does nobody smell that?