Great Moments in Bachelorette History: Ed Wears the Shortest Shorts Ever

Grainiest picture ever? Probably for the best.

After announcing last week that I would be blogging about the Real Housewives of Beverly Clearly every week, a person named Anonymous posted this in TVMWW's comments section:

"Looking forward to the Bach"

Now some bloggers might've taken this to mean, "Hey, love reading your blog. Looking forward to the Bach and reading about it here. Smell ya later."

But I took it to mean, "Hey, I don't care if you write about Welcome Back Kotter, I'm not reading this sham of a website. Looking forward to the Bach in January. Take a shit."

So seeing as this blog gets twice as many hits during Bach season as it does during the off-season, it's time to wrangle those readers back in with Great Moments in Bachelorette History.

Seconds after this picture was taken, this kangaroo blasted Kiptyn right in the tit.

The Season: I dunno, twelve? Does the Bachelorette even have numbered seasons?

The Bachelorette: Jillian. I guess I should've just written, "Season: Jillian."

What Happened?: Ed Wore the Shortest Shorts Ever

Quote Muttered in Front of a TV Somewhere: "Yo, your boy better have brought some extra sunscreen."

Background: This was the season where Wes weaseled his way into the final four -- going on the show FOR THE WRONG REASONS -- and secretly promoted his album the entire time. My wife couldn't stand him, not because he was a jerk, but because she was convinced that he had gotten botox injections in his forehead (and ya gotta admit, this guy had a VERY smooth forehead). After Wes was booted, Jillian was left to choose from Kiptyn, Reid Rosenthal (real name! real Jew!) and Ed who had come back just a week before to see if he and Jillian had "something." It was probably the least shocking return in the history of television, not because it wasn't shocking -- it was -- but because no one really remembered who the hell Ed was.

You see, Ed was never really relevant. He was a bit boring, a bit stiff and was pretty much a total snooze. So when he came back to her, no one thought the big fella had a chance.

Nice jacknife. Kinda looks like he might bash his head on the side of the pool though? Also, how clean is that pool?! 

And then ...

The Moment: He broke out the shorts.

If my memory serves me correctly (and I seriously have NO IDEA), I kinda remember Daddy Long Legs breaking out his shorts on a group date boat ride and just hopping aboard like it ain't no thang. He was showing A LOTTA thigh and his legs looked like two long, smooth sticks of butter. Just two long, oiled up, smooth sticks of butter that someone had dropped into a pile of hair and attached feet to.

And the amazing thing was, no one really called him on it! How did one of the other guys not say, "Yo dude, it's nice to see you and all, and I admire you for not shaving your chest, that's a bold move in itself, but those are the shortest mothereffing shorts I've ever seen. Seriously, no man has worn trunks that short since 19 ought 6. Did you get those from Jim Thorpe? Seriously, check the back of those jawns -- is "Thorpe" written on the tag? Is the tag made of burlap? Did clothes even have tags back then? How much does the burlap itch? Be honest."

Everyone just sort of went with it!

And so did Jillian.

Where is he swinging to? 

I'd give Mark Aguirre a rose. Also, how dirty are Ralph's sneaks?

My wife is convinced that Ed's short shorts were what vaulted him above the other contestants. I mean, here was a man who was confident enough -- so confident in fact -- that he was prancing around like Kermit the Motherfuckin' Frog. And he did it at a time when no one was wearing short shorts. Not even Christiano Ronaldo.

And I gotta admit ... I kinda liked 'em!

You gotta remember that dudes these days grew up during the Fab Five era and baggy shorts are like peanut butter and jellz -- a staple. In fact, some people (like myself) have an actual sickness where we look in the mirror and never feel like our shorts are never baggy enough. It's like we're anorexic for baggy shorts. I even once bought a pair of capris and tried to pretend they were just baggy shorts. And I'm not even yoking! Looking back, I was way ahead of my time. I have no doubt that Christiano Ronaldo has some capris in his wardrobe.

Of course, Ed and Jillian fell in love, got engaged and then broke up. Maybe Jillian got tired of seeing his hairy thighs. Maybe he got sick of showing off his balls. But respect due, big Ed. Respect due.

I bet John Stockton's wife is hot as a mug.

This picture was taken in 2008.

How is this even possible?!?! Total Ram Sergeant. 

Amazing picture on so many levels. Also, how great does Mariah's hair look here?

I'm thinking of replying to some reader emails and comments in a post soon. So send in your thoughts or IT questions to TVMyWifeWatches@gmail.com. Orrrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this ridiculous video of a guy throwing a frisbee into basketball hoops. Orrrrrrrr, read some older posts from Great Momes in Bach History. 

Great Moments in Bachelor/ette History: The Mesnick Chin Tap

Tapioca Pudding.

Jason Mesnick had many memorable moments during his run as The Bachelor, such as: dumping his fiancee on live television, numerous weepings and introducing his son to various women who did NOT become his mother, but I will most remember Mezz for his signature "chin tap" when planting a kiss on every (and I mean EVERY) eligible bachelorette.

Very versatile, The Mezz can go righty or lefty.

I applaud The Mezz for sticking his tongue down so many women's throats and contracting what probably amounted to dozens of unidentified lip fungi, but where did he learn the chin tap?!?! It's not that The Mezzer did this once in a while, like when he felt a particular spark or was in the moment, but EVERY TIME he kissed a woman. It was almost instinctual (like popping a boner), that when a woman's lips would come near his, his hands would raise and he'd press his thumb into their chin as if he was screwing in a light bulb. Think about the ratings ABC would get if he ever planted one on Tom Brady! Or Chevy Chase!

Other Mesnick dream matchups:

Ashlee Simpson, with some blatant yammers by the way!

Claire Dizzle.

Wowzers!

This isn't Russia, is this Russia?

I'm guessing that The Mezzer probably learned the move from an old soccer buddy back in high school. High school dudes are always swapping secrets, like when my friend Danny once told me to play Counting Crows whenever I was ready to make a move. I tried it once and ended up cuddling with a chick for twelve straight hours. It was terrible. She later told me that the Crows took her out of the mood. Either that or the fact that I was trying to jam my thumb in her chin like a doorbell.

Although it could've been that I was also trying to press my boner into her leg like a harpoon (a move taught to me by EVERY SINGLE ONE of my high school soccer teammates). 

Textbook.

Great Moments in Bachelor/ette History: The Wrestler TipToes Through The Tulips

Ya see Aly, you gotta take a guy like this and choke him!

With the new season of The Bachelor fast approaching (season debut January 12th), I thought it'd be a good time to look back at some of the all-time greatest moments in the show's history. I also thought it'd be a good time to make Cream of Wheat, but we're out of milk. We're also out of Cream of Wheat. I guess it's probably a good time to go to the supermarket, but it's FREEZING outside and I'm out of clean long underwear. I guess maybe I should also do laundry, but now that's way too many things to do and I'm overwhelmed. I'm thinking of just running away.

Today, we will revisit an episode from Season 6 of The Bachelorette when Justin "Rated R" Rego tried to avoid both Aly and a Turkish hotel's catering staff as he attempted to leave the show and the country.

Before we do anything, are you aware that these two are currently a couple?

Great Moment: Tiptoeing Through The Tulips
Show: The Bachelorette
Season: 6, the one with Aly
Idiots Involved: Aly and Justin (aka The Wrestler aka Rated R aka The Guy With the Broken Leg aka A Guy Who Is Probably Now Celibate)

Early on during last season of The Bachelorette, Justin and his broken leg were quickly labeled by the other dudes in the house as "being there for the wrong reasons," the Bachelorette equivalent for the guy who "would also stab a puppy."

"Being there for the wrong reasons" refers to any contestant who seems to have put him or herself on the show for any reason other than truly wanting to fall in love. This could be to gain popularity for an outside venture, such as promoting an album or a business, to become famous, or just to have a good time. In the world of the Bachelor/ette, these people might as well be Nazis, pedophiles or Comcast employees. They are hated. Loathed. And it often becomes the personal vendetta of every other guy/girl in the house to out them, knowing that the Bachelor/ette will become disgusted and banish them from the show and the chance to go bungee jumping with five other ridiculous people all vying for the attention of a complete idiot who only has a 5% chance of parenting their child anyway.

After twenty seasons of the show (14 Bachelor, 6 Bachelorettes) only one couple has eventually married and been with child. One other couple also got married, but the girl was not the original choice of the Bachelor. One other guy got a tattoo of a heart with a lock around it and besides Ron Artest is probably the craziest person on the planet. 

He brought his cones!

From day one, Justin had been mentioning his alter-ego / wrestling persona "Rated R" (similarly to "The Miz" from The Real World). Justin initially brought it up to explain his broken leg which was injured in a backyard wrestling league. The other men became suspicious and warned Aly that he might molest young boys.

Weeks later, their suspicions were proven correct when Justin was found out to have not one, but two girlfriends back home in Toronto and was most definitely using the show as a springboard for his wrestling career. Aly was DIS-GUS-TED and confronted him immediately in his hotel room in Turkey.

Also, in case you didn't hear, "The Miz" not only became an actual WWE wrestler, but just won the heavyweight title last week.

Gotta be honest, kinda thought The Miz would be working for Comcast at this point.

Instead of explaining himself, Rated R (now in a walking boot) limped to his room, grabbed his stuff and claimed like Doug, he was "outtttttaaaaaaaa heeeeeerrrrrrreeeeeeeee." Captain Limplestein then proceeded to exit the hotel while Aly stormed after him, DEMANDING an explanation. Limpy just wanted to escape and quickly found himself taking short cuts to elude Aly and their impending confrontation, hopping over the hotel's beautifully landscaped flower bed with the precision of a drunken teenager. It was as if he was on American Gladiators, trying to tightrope his way through obstacles while Nitro (or in this case, Aly) stood off to the side, arms folded, laughing, knowing he could not elude her. Eventually, after trying to re-enter the hotel through an auxiliary door (locked), Justin waddled back to Aly with his tail between his legs and eventually admitted his indiscretions.

Justin checks if the grass in Turkey is as soft as Kentucky Blue.

One night in college, my friend Feddd was confronted in the middle of the street by a girl who fancied him. I believe she wanted him to escort her back to her place, but Feddd was going through some stuff and didn't know what to say. Not knowing how to handle it, he turned around and ran.

Feddd (who is 6'5") sprinted down the street, not running anywhere in particular, while the girl ran after him. Feddd was eventually caught by her and was once again forced to confront her. I don't remember how it all ended, but I'm pretty sure that the girl is like four feet tall, which makes the story even better.

Regardless, The Bachelor/ette is probably the greatest television show ever and Rated R is actually a pretty decent name for a wrestler. And if you do a Google image search for "Justin Rated R", you can find SO MANY pictures of Justin Bieber with his shirt off showing off his little pink nips.

Rated PG-13

Whatever happened to the days when teenage heartthrobs looked like this?

Your favorite blogger (rocking the V-neck ... soccer jersey?)