The Miss America Pageant: Absolutely, Positively No Sign of Camille Grammer

This is actually Joaquin Phoenix with the ladies and I'm not kidding.

Not sure what you guys did on Saturday night, but I'm guessing you didn't hang out with 53 beautiful** women in high heels and moderately flattering swimsuits!

** ehh.

Yep, while my friends were out at the local watering hole watching the Packers and the Falcons and eating 53 layers of nachos, the wife and I decided to stay in, order sushi and watch The Miss America Pageant, easily one of my wife's 53 favorite nights of the year.

The following is what transpired:

"I like things that are a grand spectacle and a big deal," my wife says when I ask her why she gets into it so much. Well, nothing says grand spectacle more than our co-hosts for the evening, Chris Harrison and Brooke Burke, who could easily win the competition if she wasn't 53 years over the age limit. "Also, growing up, my mom didn't encourage or support these type of things, in fact, quite the opposite, she was very against it and what it stands for."  Ahhhhhhh, the truth comes out, childhood rebellion! ... Why stop at sushi? Let's break out some cocaine!

No need for cocaine while watching the opening number as the 53 (fifty-three?) contestants do a choreographed dance routine to that (AMAZING) song, "Dynamite", by Taio Cruz. It sort of looks like a giant Zumba class, which my wife actually did for the first time this morning at a place called Miss Patty's All-Star Dance Center (and I'm not kidding!). She also claimed, "It may have changed my life." If you haven't heard of Zumba, it's essentially the hottest aerobic fitness program ever (yes, hotter than both the Shake Weight AND Mousercise) and consists of very excitable women dancing like Colombian maniacs with or without the help of giant bags of cocaine. According to my wife, "Zumba teaches you how to use your butt as a weapon."

Even though no one ever actually watches videos on blogs, if you happen to click on this one, look for Peter Crouch in the back row totally doing Zumba. Also, for the record, my wife got very upset when I tried to put this video online and call it Zumba. It's not actually Zumba, it's just dancing. The second video below is TOTALLY Zumba.





Tonight's pageant is being brought to us by DSW or as my friend Gilwacki calls it, "Da Shoe Warehouse." Realizing we only call it "Da Shoe Warehouse,"  I ask my wife what the "D" actually stands for and we both agree that it's probably, "Discount." Regardless, we're amazed that DSDubbs has enough money to sponsor Miss America, which is either great news for them or terribly disappointing for the state of the pageant.

Okayyyyyyyyy, Chris Harrison lets us know that DSW actually stands for "DESIGNER" Shoe Warehouse, leading my wife and I to raise our eyebrows and let out a collective, "hmmmmm." I had no idea that DSW offered such high-end footwear, especially shoes made by my favorite single-named Italian shoe designer, "Rockport."

Miss Patty flanked by her all-star staff.

I ask my wife who are the perennial favorites and she says any girl from the southern states as well as Texas and California. When I ask her where the bowzers tend to come from, she lists Delaware, Maine, Idaho and Vermont. Personally, I am most excited for Miss Puerto Rico (one of the extra three of the fifty-three) and am hoping that maybe, just maybe, this is the year that my home state of Pennsylvania will be in the running. I gotta say, in my three plus decades of watching this thing, I don't ever remember Miss Keystone State making any noise whatsoever.

As the girls introduce themselves, a few stand out, including: Miss Arkansas (sort of black), Miss Idaho (wow, Idaho?), Miss Nebraska, Texas, Virginia and Miss U.S. Virgin Islands (the second of the mysterious extra three). There are also quite a few dobermans who must've qualified strictly on talent, including: Miss Maine (nice call by the wife), Georgia, D.C. (ahhhh, the last of the extra three) and Miss Delaware who is bald as isht and is totally wearing a wig! Apparently, she has the same disease as Charlie Villanueva, Alopecia, which makes you completely and totally hairless. That's too bad. We also have one contestant who falls into the category of "Jew," Miss Massachusetts, Something Rabinowitz, while it seems as if Vermont has chosen to enter a man into this year's competition.

Miss Delaware ... I kinda feel bad, but she is a TERRIBLE dancer.

Personally, I am very disappointed by both Miss Puerto Rico and Miss Pennsylvania, who makes a Hershey's chocolate reference in her lame-o introduction. Instantly, I receive a text from my friend Chicken, who refuses to read my blog because "it's just so long!" Chicken writes, "I totally thought she was gonna say she made her way to Vegas via the Hershey Highway." All of the intros are pretty standard, leading my wife and I to share what we would say if given the opportunity to represent our states.

Here's hers and proof that my wife takes Miss America way too seriously:

"From the Empire State: home of Niagara Falls, the Adirondacks and Lady Liberty herself, I'm Miss New York, Catherine Fergendergen!"

And mine:

"From the state where you can murder a dog or rape a chick in a bathroom and STILL make millions of dollars by throwing a football, I'm Miss Pennsylvania, Kevin Klonsky!"

And just like that, they narrow the fifty-three down to eleven, with two extra America's Choice votes and two more chosen by the contestants themselves. Among the fifteen semifinalists are our favorites Miss Texas, Arkansas (my personal fave), Virginia, Nebraska and a lady from Oklahoma named, "Emoly." Receiving one of America's votes is Miss Delaware aka the baldest lady I've ever seen. Miss Puerto Rico and Pennsylvania are rightly sent packing.

Friend, loyal reader and Miss Ocean City 2005, Aubre, chimes in on the DSW Message Hotline by texting, "I'm so glad one black girl and one racially ambiguous girl (Arkansas) made the top 11."

Minutes later, Aubre texts again, "I'm also so glad there's a gun right here to shoot myself with."

The semifinal cut-downs were made by tonight's esteemed panel of judges:

- The Red-headed Bette Midler wanna-be co-host of The View
- Debbye Turner Bell: Miss America 1990 (notice the "y" in Debbye, possibly Welsh?) 
- Marc Cherry: creator of Desperate Housewives. Thanks for that one, buddy.
- Tony, the guy who looks like a tomato salesman from Dancing With the Stars.
- Marilu Henner
- Dr. Taryn Rose: apparently a lady who makes really nice shoes (and a doctor! ... AND a doctor!)
- "Country star," Mark Willis!

Marilu Henner can Zumba like your mum(ba).

As the contestants scramble backstage to change into their SWIMSUITS, Brooke Burke runs beside Sinead O'Connor and asks her a question as she tries to find her suit. Amazingly, Uncle Fester responds that she didn't hear the question and leaves Brooke unfulfilled.

All right, all right, enough with the bald jokes, right? The lady's bald, big deal. In some third-world countries, like Pennsylvania, bald chicks are not only accepted, but considered a delicacy. Meanwhile, the Packers just went up 21-14 and remind me that I don't even think Wisconsin even entered a lady in tonight's competition. 

The swimsuit portion of the evening is pretty uneventful as every chick has a very fit and tone body. They're also all wearing essentially the same bathing suit. There is one lady however who REFUSES to take her hands off her hips, clearly trying to hide a few rolls. Poor lady. Be proud of your body! You're beautiful! Now I totally get what my mother-in-law is against. I imagine she'd also be against her son-in-law taking notes while watching the pageant, especially the notes that I took during the swimsuit portion:

Arizona - tits
Washington - small titties

I text Chicken and Aubre for their thoughts, but Chicken tells me that she is now watching A League of Their Own while Aubre has ditched the pageant and headed out to a bar.

The eveningwear segment is slightly more exciting considering the girls get to be more selective with their outfits, but I write absolutely nothing down during this part of the show with the exception that the Packers are now up 28-14.

The talent show is next which will clearly separate the bald women from the hairy ones (I'm sorry, I really am).  

Miss Nebraska (17 years old!) gets it poppin by playing the piano. She's actually very good, and I can tell because I took piano lessons from first grade to third grade and know exactly what a terrible piano player sounds like.

Miss Nebraska's posture is PERFECT!

A few contestants sing some crap songs while Emoly does some very strange ballet. Miss Delaware (still bald) proves to seriously be the worst dancer in the world, even worse than Miss Virginia who takes us back to 1995 with some riverdance. For the record, I actually like riverdance (and bald women).

But the night is stolen by Miss Arkansas (still my favorite!) who busts out a (wait for it, wait for it), VENTRILOQUIST ROUTINE, with two singing and YODELING puppets! At first, we're flabbergasted, but totally get into it, especially because it gives such a goofy spin to such a vanilla, proper, snoozefest of an evening.

You can still find 'em (the pants I mean).

Despite my love of Miss Arkansas and her ability to speak with her teeth clenched, I must say that I find the ancient art of ventriloquism to be pretty absurd. I mean, I love puppets as much as the next gay guy, but why is it necessary to keep one's mouth closed and try and dupe the audience? It's not like anyone is fooled into believing that the puppets are actually talking. What I mean is, there's never a moment during a ventriloquist's performance where the audience believes that a puppet is actually making noise. We know it's the human the entire time. A ventriloquist could accomplish his or her same act by simply saying the puppet's lines in just a different voice, using the full dexterity of his or her mouth. If a ventriloquist is interested in tricking his or her audience, maybe instead of puppets, there should be two or three humans up there, all with clenched teeth and closed mouths and it'd be up to the audience to decipher who is speaking at all times. But hey, that's just one person with a blog about ventriloquism's opinion.

Onto the final five and their final questions. We've got Miss Hawaii (totally overrated), Miss Washington (small titties, remember?), Miss Nebraska (17 year-old pianist), Miss Oklahoma (Emoly) and my girl Miss Arkansas (the racially ambiguous Ventriloquist Queen of Little Rock).

From L to R: Misses Hawaii (looks much hotter here than I remember), Washington (A cup), Nebraska (17), Emoly and Arkansas (ventriloquist of my dreams).

The questions are all dumb and the answers are even dumber and it comes down to the seventeen year old corn-fed Nebraskan and a woman who makes wooden dolls yodel.

Andddddddddddddd, the winner issssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ...........


.........


.........

Miss Nebraska, Teresa Scanlan!

The seventeen year old!

The Doogie Howser of pageants!

Young enough to consider Bieber!

Not a ventriloquist!

What a night! Discount Designer shoes, Colombian dancing, a bald lady, some yodeling puppets, a teenage victory and absolutely, positively no sign of Aaron Rodgers or me having male genitalia!

Congratulations Miss Nebraska!

I can't wait for the next time I eat corn!

Charlie, you shoulda played for the Blue Hens!