The Bachelor Season Premiere - Chantal, Shawntel and The Southern Belle

Kinda shocking that Chris Harrison has her for a wife.

Evster's note: Here is a link to all the bachlorettes to help you understand what the freeps I'm talking about. 

Host Chris Harrison opened the latest season of The Bachelor by saying it was already the "most shocking season of The Bachelor ever," when in fact, nothing had happened yet. I mean, literally, those were the first words out of his mouth, "this is the most shocking season of The Bachelor ever," and nothing had happened! He just walked to the camera and said that.

BUT NOTHING HAD HAPPENED.

He walked and said words.

That's what happened.

Not that shocking.

What would have been shocking is if he had crawled around on all fours with a dog collar on and said, "Hey, I'm Chris Harrison, not sure if you know this, but I'm actually a dog. Yeah, I just look like a human, but I actually drink water out of a bowl and bark and yeah, I can talk, but I'm a dog. Isn't that shocking? I know! I fooled everyone in America. This season is gonna be crazy!"

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOCKING.

But seeing a little guy in a suit come out and talk to the camera, not really that shocking.

Not the same "Chantal," but probably still worth watching.

I'll tell ya what is shocking; the fact that two out of the twenty women are named some variation of the name Chantal (it's Chantal and Shawntel). That means there's a 10% chance that The Bachelor will marry a chick named Chantal (or Shawntel). That means if there were a hundred women in the mansion last night, ten of them would've been named Chantal (or Shawntel). I've been alive for 33 years and have probably met AT LEAST ten women in my life and have yet to meet a Chantal (or Shawntel), nor have I met a Keltie or a Rachel who spelled her name the way I thought it should be spelled. This year's Rachel is actually Raichel and oh, there's also a chick with fangs!

Obviously fang lady (Madison) is weird, but it's totally refreshing to see someone a little bizarre on such a white-bready show. Brad did a pretty good job of confronting her and her fangs (to see if she was there for the "right reasons", oh please, who gives an isht?), while also not taking himself too seriously and admitting the fangs were kinda hot. Then again, the whole vampire fang thing is so 2010 and I much would've preferred if she wore a collar and pretended to be a dog and kept licking and sniffing him. This is after all the Chinese Year of the Dog.

Actually, this is the year of the Hare, not the dog, but I liked the way the first few paragraphs came together if in fact this was the year of the dog. I know this is The Year of the Hare because we recently received our Chinese Food Calendar from Great Wall Restaurant and there is a giant rabbit currently staring at me and waving a wand. 

Wu Tang Doggy looking forward to 2018.

I certainly don't think this Brad Womack fella is a dog; he seems like a real stand-up guy and following ABC's five minute introduction of him and his past, I was sold. My wife was a little more skeptical, especially upon seeing his ridiculous tattoo, but once they showed him sprout from the water, dripping wet and bulging, she too was sold. Later, when he used the word "proverbial," we were both smitten.

So who will Brad fall for?

Did you notice the music change when Emily came on screen?

Clearly, Emily, the southern widowed belle who lost her husband in a plane crash that she too was supposed to be on, only to find out days later that she was pregnant, is the front runner. She is as sweet as pecan pie, as soft as a rose petal, but I GUARANTEE that Brad lets her go towards the end because she's lacking a certain vampire / dog collar quality necessary in the bedroom.

Ashley S. (the little one who got the first rose) is goofy and fun, but is just too little to be taken seriously. I mean, she could be the most wonderful woman in the world, but she's like five feet tall and if Brad wants to have a quarterback for a son, he's going to need to marry someone more comparable to his gene pool.

Keltie the Rockette is just annoying and The Dentist from Philly's forehead is way too big. In the "what to look forward to" montage at the end, it seems as if Michelle (the girl with the weathered face) plays the villain role quite well.

Overall, a nice start to a ridiculous season of The Bach. I don't know if I'd call it "shocking", but that lady and her pink shoes, yeah, they were kinda shocking.

Also, that dentist's forehead is totally shocking too.

Also sort of shocking that she hasn't fixed that forehead especially considering she's in the medical field.

Can you fix a forehead?

You can probably fix a forehead.