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| Oh what could he have said that was so Goddamn funny?!?! |
Yo @ChrisBHarrison, can you please explain to me why y'all aren't using the Bachelor mansion?!?!
Was there a flood?
A sewage leak?
I kinda feel like maybe Kobe is shacking up there after Vanessa gave him the boot. That would make the most sense. ABC -- struggling to pay the bills in these hard economic times -- rents out an enormous brothel to a billionaire (sorry, half-billionaire) who fills every vacant bed with a different white woman.
Obviously ABC needs moolah. They sold out last night's entire episode to Honda's "Leap List" commercial, a new campaign centered around young folks going on adventures before they "take the leap," like getting married or having a stupid baby or something.
The commercial (and whole idea of a "Leap List") made my wife FURIOUS. She argues that it makes marriage look like the end of the world when in fact I (and other men) still have the freedom to do whatever we want.
My brother-in-law and I raised our eyebrows when she said that.
Bro-in-law: So wait, if Ev wanted to hike the Appalachian Trail, you'd let him?
My Wife: Yeah, I don't give a shit.
Bro-in-law: And be away for four months?
My Wife: Well ...
Me: Or even two months?
My Wife: You don't even like hiking.
Bro-in-law: That's not the point.
Me: First of all, I do like hiking. Second of all ...
My Wife: Second of all, you would f*cking die in the first weekend ...
Me: Third of all, no I wouldn't! And fourth of all, you can't steal my "second of all."
My Wife: Fifth of all, I can, and I did. And I let you buy a banjo.
Me: You won't even let me keep it downstairs!
My Wife: Get a stand for it! You can't leave a f*cking banjo lying around!
Bro-in-law: THAT LADY'S CLIMBING THE BAY BRIDGE WHILE WEARING TIMBERLANDS!!!!
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| And she's rockin' the floppy tongue! |
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| Rough like Timberland wear, yeah! |
I was sorta impressed that Emily even owned a pair of Timberlands! And I'm not sure what I would wear on my feet to climb the Bay Bridge (wait, yes I do, I'd wear slippers, because I'd be at home not climbing the Bay Bridge if anyone ever asked me to climb the Bay Bridge) but I don't think a bulky pair of Timberlands is the best choice. Have you ever tried to simply walk in a pair of Tims? Okay, me neither, but in high school the "kids who smoked" were always trying to play basketball in them and tripping all over the place.
The chicks skiing in bikinis last night was sorta hot. I never thought I'd really be into that -- I mean, how hot could a woman in ski boots be? -- but I was WRONG. Something about women wearing teeny bikinis and screaming for their lives was VERY erotic. I sort of wanted one of them to die just so I could check off "watching a snuff film" off my bucket list.
Also, is it wrong that after Jaclyn was eliminated from the show, I sorta wanted her to commit suicide? I know, I know, my wife and my brother in law's girlfriend gave me the same exact look when I said that last night, but I can't hide my true feelings!
Let's cut the bullisht right now, the biggest shock of this season so far (more shocking than the mansion being condemned, or Shawntel's reappearance, or my recent revelation that I want to watch a woman die) has been that Jaclyn made it as far as she did. Look, I'm not in the business of hurting people's feelings. I think all of my poking fun is more directed at a person's actions or intellect than their physical features ... but whooooaaaaaaaaa Tonto.
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| Worst thing is, her last name is Swartz. |
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| I don't remember no stinkin' pineapples. |
Here's another question for ya Harrison:
Is there some sort of Bachelor rule that if two people are having a little one-on-one time and someone else comes up to "steal them away" that the Bachelor HAS to leave the conversation? Can't he just be like, "Ohhh, actually Blakely, Elyse was just in the middle of something. I don't know what. I wasn't listening, but could you just give us five minutes? Then I'll come find you. I promise. Thanks."
THAT'S WHAT A NORMAL PERSON WOULD DO.
Instead, it's like:
Elyse (talking to Ben): So on her deathbed, my mom told me that when I found the right guy, the perfect guy, that I had to tell him one thing. The secret of life. The secret to love. And that secret is ...
Blakely (interrupting): Oh hey. You mind if I steal him for a sec?
Elyse: Actually, we were just in the middle of something.
Blakely: Yeahhh, but ...
Ben: Yeahhhhhh, ummmmm, she did ask to steal me for a sec. It's kind-of a rule.
Elyse: Can't it just wait like, three minutes?
Ben: Welllll ...
Blakely: Welllllllllllll ...
Ben: It's just like, a rule. I'm sorry. (wrinkles his nose, takes Blakely's hand, walks away, and conceals his boner with his other hand.)
IT'S RIDICULOUS!
WHY CAN'T THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!?!?
And why were the ladies SO FREAKED OUT about Shawntel?
Shouldn't it have just been as easy as:
Shawntel: Hey guys, my name's Shawntel. I met Flaj a while back and I kinda felt like we had a connection. When it was announced that he was the new Bach, I called Chris Harrison and asked him if I could be a part of this. ABC's struggling for ratings so they thought it might help to have me swoop in here. So here I am. I'm a nice person, hopefully you (and Ben) will give me a chance. I'll take any of your questions now. Also, that girl looks like a horse.
Everyone else: Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, she does look like a horse. A donkey really. Wait, is a donkey a horse? It has to be.
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| Donkeys are actually cute. I need to apologize to donkeys. |
THESE WOMEN ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.
AND HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT WOMEN ARE STILL GOING UP TO THIS GUY AND SAYING STUFF LIKE:
"It's just so hard to watch you with the other girls," ... or ... "I haven't felt like this in a really long time."
SHUT UP!
JUST SHUT UP!
Haven't you seen the show before?!?!? Haven't you met a man before?!?!? Why can't one lady -- JUST ONE LADY -- be the normal one and tell Ben that she's doing great and she understands that sliding his tongue down other chicks' throats is part of the show?!?!?
AND HOW ARE YOU PASSING OUT DURING A ROSE CEREMONY?!?! YOU GOT A FRIGGIN' TATTOO ON YOUR BOTTOM LIP AND YOU CAN'T STAND THROUGH A ROSE CEREMONY?!?!
I actually understand this. I have a really really really hard time just standing/waiting in line. I constantly transfer my weight from one foot to the other, my back locks up, so I get it. I get it.
But I really don't know how much more of this I can take.
That's a lie.
That's a Goddamn lie.
I can obviously take much more.
But my blood pressure is through the roof.
I just wanna curl up at the old Bachelor mansion under one of their 3,000 blankets ... light 4,000 candles ... and drink some hot choc.
And watch a woman in a bikini ski off a cliff.
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| Look at that little vest! |
The wife and I started watching Luther this week. Well, we only watched one episode but it was amazing. You guys should watch it On Demand. Orrrrrrrrrrrr, check out this picture of my Uncle Dave who's doing 3-5 in the clink.
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