The Bachelor: So Apparently Sonoma is a Place

Why would that one lady wear a long skirt?!?! SO DUMB! Show some shin lady!

Despite the fact that I recently took my wife to see WWE Monday Night Raw, I've always thought of myself as a master date planner. Putting effort into an outing is a major part of the wooing process and an interesting, well-thought-out date can easily determine whether your night is going to end with an over-the-blanket or under-the-blanket hand-j.

For example: let's say the girl you're going out with doesn't suck; she likes doing stuff; likes cherry soda; never wears a belt. Then you'd think that bowling would be a pretty standard, solid first date. Bowling is fun, it's interactive, it's loosey-goosey, but nooooooo, bowling with two people is actually kind of lame.

Whenever one person is bowling, the other person is just watching, and then you switch places and do the same thing, and the only real interaction you have are forced high-fives (you need at least three people bowling to enjoy high-fiving) and consoling the other person after mediocre rolls by saying stuff like, "Awww, that's okay. A seven is a solid score. At least you didn't throw double-gutters like last frame," when really you're mortified to be sharing a lane with such a dumb, lousy bowler. If you ever wanna just sit and get to know each other, you're always thinking in the back of your head, "I mean, it's my turn, I should probably roll. I can't sit here forever. Besides, the longer I sit here the sweatier my hands get, and I'm working on a spare, soooo ...."

There are much better alternatives.

Like shuffleboard! (or curling if you live in Minnesota).

Does that lady in the pink have a mic? Is she commentating this match?!?! Amazing!

During a shuffleboard game, you get to play TOGETHER which allows for more flirtatious activity like rubbing elbows, sharing strategies or jamming your shuffleboard cue in the other person's asshole. Plus, you get to knock each other's discs off the board! I actually took my wife shuffleboarding once and it was a fucking disaster; we got into a major fight because I kept blasting her discs off the board and celebrating with Tiger Woods-style fist pumps. But we eventually reconciled and had mind-blowing makeup sex over-the-blanket handies.

Innnnn conclusion (I'm actually just getting started), I was pretty happy to see that Bachelor Ben had planned some of his own dates this week as opposed to ABC's bonkers dates where they fly people to Madagascar to go water-sliding with live sea otters. (That actually sounds like an amazing date.)

Ben decided to take the ladies to his hometown of Sonoma, California (a place that I'm apparently supposed to have heard of), and on his first date with Kacie, he sped RIGHT PAST the Sonoma Cheese Factory (in his weird red truck thing) and decided instead to have dinner at some place that was not the Sonoma Cheese Factory. Here's the thing: HOW DID HE NOT TAKE THAT LADY TO THE SONOMA CHEESE FACTORY?!?! If Ben took her to the Sonoma Cheese Factory, she totally woulda skipped the handies and gone straight to sea otter-sex. (No one can resist a nice chiévres de goat!!! Let alone an entire factory of it!!!)

Cliff Reynolds and Stu Gorman have combined to get (and give) over 350 career hand-j's.

Later on the date, Kacie let Ben know that she was a baton twirler as a kid, to which Ben lied right to her face and said, "Wow, that's awesome." I mean, that's not really awesome. I guess it's kinda awesome, I did once know a chick who could twirl a baton and it was pretty dope, but I like to save words like "awesome" for nights when I get to eat a giant pile of cheese.

Blakely understands awesome, she understands how to put a little effort into a date, and she understands men (much moreso than any of these other ladies) as she decided to break out her onion rings on the very first group date. Here's the thing though, THAT'S SIMPLE DATING DUDES 101. Clearly the other girls have not been studying.

On day one of DATING DUDES 101 they teach you:

A) show off your boobs and/or butt
B) shove your tongue down a dude's throat
C) do other stuff that's very similar to A and B

This is important information that all women should know.

Not to mention, on day two of DATING DUDES 101 they teach you what NOT to do, which is VERY SIMPLY:

DON'T GET CAUGHT CURLED UP IN A BALL CRYING IN THE LUGGAGE ROOM OR ANY ROOM FOR THAT MATTER JUST DON'T CRY HONESTLY WHY WOULD YOU CRY GUYS DON'T LIKE CRYING THIS IS SO SIMPLE WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW UP FOR THE SECOND DAY OF CLASS

Last week my wife showed me this article from the New York Times where there was a study done and "researchers found that men who sniffed drops of women's tears became less sexually aroused." Essentially, if a woman cries, that means, "not tonight, dear," and we dudes lose all interest because there's no chance we're getting any action. THIS IS SCIENCE FOLKS.

SCIENCE!

If I were the Bach, I'd rather a woman took a smash in her pants during the rose ceremony than curled up in the fetal position and cried her eyes out. At least an excuse can be made for why a lady shit her pants.

"Oh man, I never shoulda gone to the Olive Garden last night."

or ...

"This whole process has just been very emotional, and I ate at the Olive Garden last night."

or ...

"Whenever I eat at the Olive Garden I feel the best way to express myself artistically is to shit anywhere and everywhere. I do like their breadsticks though."

That's excusable!

So erotic.

Later on, during a boring date (picnic) where Ben brought his dog (brilliant), Courtney the retarded model echoed what some of the other ladies had been thinking about Ben, "He'd make a really great Dad," just seconds after he put a towel over his cold dog. Because we all know that the number one way to be a good Dad is to put a towel on a dog.

My wife doesn't hate Courtney as much as the fact that she hates the other women for not standing up to her. After Courtney was chosen for a one-on-one date and gloated to the other girls saying, "How's that taste?" they all just sat in silence. My wife was FURIOUS that no women fired back. How hard is it to just say something like:

"Actually, it tastes fine because I already sucked on his tongue last night."

or ...

"I dunno how it tastes but I know that you're an arrogant slut."

orrrrrrrrr ...

"It tastes like bananas!"

Any of those reactions would've been better than just sitting there and taking it.

Get over yourself Courtney! (so hot though)

These women need help.

Lyndzie (real spelling!) tried to impress Ben by explaining how down-home and non-girly she was by saying that "dirt is my makeup." My wife quickly advised her, "If you wanted to impress him, you shoulda said semen was your makeup."

JUST BE HONEST!

The more I watch this show, the more thankful I am that I have a wife who understands me. A woman who's okay if I wanna take her to a wrastlin' show. A woman who's not grossed out when I tell her that the most erotic scene from last night's show was when the cameraman filmed a shot of six high heels underneath a bathroom stall.

That cameraman clearly put effort into that shot.

The girls closed the door on him and instead of retreating, he tilted his lens down and filmed their bare ankles on the dirty floor of a Sonoma bathroom.

Only a true pervert could've reacted that way and only a true perv could appreciate it.

That cameraman puts thought into his job.

I sees you, cameraman. I sees you.

How is this lady still on the show by the way?!?!?

IFC represent-represent-zent! Their Friday night lineup of Portlandia and The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret is the best hour on TV. You should watch. Or you should at least listen to this episode of Fresh Air with Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein. Or you could just look at this really sleepy sea otter.